Is staying home with the kids high risk behavior?

[Fern]

Starving Student, i hope you stick around. I think this group represents a pretty wide swath of society, and every opinion has merit, though obviously inflammatory remarks and stereotypes aren't very helpful.

The topic itself is controversial enough to generate extreme opinions on both ends. That's not a bad thing, IMO.

[tabbycat31]

I do think future income considerations need to be made.

I used to work with someone who was a SAHM for 20 years. She went back to work when her youngest started college because they could not afford it otherwise.

However with that length of absence in the workplace, the only job she was able to get was a cashier making just over minimum wage. Hardly enough for college tuition.

[OhioMom7]

I am a college educated SAHM of 7. I've been home with my children since I found out I was expecting our first.

My take on it is this. First, my dh can't do what he does without me. Lots of hours, no child care worries, school and household managed.
He needs me just as much as I need him.

Second, you can't insure yourself against life. Even if you work, plenty of women get downsized or forced to retire early. A job isn't a failsafe net that you can rely on. The economy is what it is for women and men. Anyone can lose their job and not be able to transfer skills/experience.

Third, do what works for you. I am happy at home and I'm not going to ruin each day with "what if's". I am strong and resilient and I will figure it out if I have to. Working now isn't going to make my heart less broken if my marriage fails later and our daily life would not be near as nice.

Arden (OhioMom7)

[abowers]

What was the name of the book?

I can't remember the name, but I just read a brief reivew of this book in a magazine. I believe the author's last name is Bennett or Bennetts.

[abowers]

Also discussed was the reality of ageism and the difficulties of re-entering the workforce after being absent for even a few years.

I thought the topic was very provocative and an interesting take on things, especially in an age when many young women seem to have forgotten how hard women before them fought to get equality in the workplace, etc.

What do you think?

I am currently in grad school. But we also want to have kids at some point in the future. And while I would like to stay home with them, in their younger years anyway, I am not going to give up all of my years of education (and the loans I used to pay for it...) to stay home with my kids and never work. I want to work, which is why I went to college, and why I am going to graduate school. I will be 26 when I am done with grad school and able to get my desired job. I intend to work for at least a couple years before having children, so that I can have real-work experience prior to leaving the workforce, because I know it would be difficult to finish grad school, have babies, and try to get a job in 5 years with no actual previous experience.

I am a busy person and I like to be a busy person (Currently I am working nearly 40 hours a week, plus attending grad school full time, and keeping up with all our housework). I intend to work once my future children are school age. I'd even work part-time while the kids were young if I could work it out. I go crazy not being able to leave our apartment, and I think the same would happen when I stay at home with kids.

I enjoy contributing to our income, and would feel helpless and guilty for living off of my fiance's income and contributing nothing. (It was bad enough when we moved to a new state and I didn't have a job for a month). I also feel that it will be my responsibility to pay off my student loans, and my responsibility to contribute to our monthly bills if I am capable of working.

[PrincessPerky]

somehow I don't feel helpless just because I don't make cold cash...I need to know why because I want to empower both my daughter and my son to understand that it takes more than money to make a family go, and all contributions are important.

Not trying to make anyone mad, just noticing one more thing I need to worry about....

[LuxLiving]

relevant article:

Social Security & The Gender Gyp

"While 80 percent of men get benefits as retired workers, only 39.7 percent of women do. Most women—60.3 percent—get benefits at least in part as a spouse or former spouse of a retired, disabled or deceased worker. Social Security is designed to..." ~Thomas N. Bethell

AARP Bulletin: The Gender Gyp

[vsjhoc]

I can't remember the name, but I just read a brief reivew of this book in a magazine. I believe the author's last name is Bennett or Bennetts.

The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts.

For you young kids, the title is a play on words. "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan was published in 1963 and talked about the unspoken issue -- that some women wanted more out of life than to be housewives.

[abowers]

Some people may not feel helpless, that was just my opinion from my short experience of not working.
I hated having to rely on my fiance's money for anything we needed while I was between jobs -- groceries, a pair of dress pants for the several job interviews I had. Not to mention we were sharing one car at the time, because someone drove into my parked car and totalled it a few weeks before we moved here...

[zetta]

I am a busy person and I like to be a busy person (Currently I am working nearly 40 hours a week, plus attending grad school full time, and keeping up with all our housework).
...
I enjoy contributing to our income, and would feel helpless and guilty for living off of my fiance's income and contributing nothing. [emphasis added]

Althougth I doubt it was your intention, you have really slammed the SAHM's here.

Being a SAHM is a very different situation from your experience with being out of work. There is no reason for a SAHM to feel guilty for living off her partner's income -- he is contributing paid labor that generates income while she is contributing unpaid labor for childcare and household upkeep. And trust me, SAHM are very very busy! Think about your assumptions -- why does childcare and housecleaning only have value once you pay someone else to do it? And if it's not busy, why is it so hard to do something additional at the same time?

There are very real financial risks associated with being out of the paid workforce for multiple years that I do think need to be taken into consideration when you're planning your life. Here are some ways to mitigate that risk:

• Build up a nest egg before marrying and keep it solely in your name. (Even community property states don't touch "sole and separate property" during a divorce.)
• Make sure you have enough life insurance and long-term disability insurance on the working spouse to avoid financial troubles if the worst occurs.
• Delay childbearing so that you have time to gain 5-10 years of work experience. (Note that this unfortunately increases your risk of fertility problems when you are ready to have children.)
• Finish your education before having children (best), or else make sure to put time and money into getting a degree once the kids are in elementary school.
• Choose a family-friendly field of work.
• Maintain contacts with former coworkers.
• Where feasible, pursue part-time work or volunteer work that is relevant to your field.
• Take classes in your field and keep licenses current.
• Get your family on a firm financial footing. (Better to have assets rather than debt to divide if a divorce occurs!)
• Seek out ways to maintain the quality of your marriage. (It's pretty common for couples to drift apart when all the focus is on the kids.)

[abowers]

Althougth I doubt it was your intention, you have really slammed the SAHM's here.

Being a SAHM is a very different situation from your experience with being out of work. There is no reason for a SAHM to feel guilty for living off her partner's income -- he is contributing paid labor that generates income while she is contributing unpaid labor for childcare and household upkeep. And trust me, SAHM are very very busy! Think about your assumptions -- why does childcare and housecleaning only have value once you pay someone else to do it? And if it's not busy, why is it so hard to do something additional at the same time?

There are very real financial risks associated with being out of the paid workforce for multiple years that I do think need to be taken into consideration when you're planning your life. Here are some ways to mitigate that risk:

• Build up a nest egg before marrying and keep it solely in your name. (Even community property states don't touch "sole and separate property" during a divorce.)
• Make sure you have enough life insurance and long-term disability insurance on the working spouse to avoid financial troubles if the worst occurs.
• Delay childbearing so that you have time to gain 5-10 years of work experience. (Note that this unfortunately increases your risk of fertility problems when you are ready to have children.)
• Finish your education before having children (best), or else make sure to put time and money into getting a degree once the kids are in elementary school.
• Choose a family-friendly field of work.
• Maintain contacts with former coworkers.
• Where feasible, pursue part-time work or volunteer work that is relevant to your field.
• Take classes in your field and keep licenses current.
• Get your family on a firm financial footing. (Better to have assets rather than debt to divide if a divorce occurs!)
• Seek out ways to maintain the quality of your marriage. (It's pretty common for couples to drift apart when all the focus is on the kids.)

Did not mean to offend Stay at Home Moms. Especially considering I said I plan to be one for some period of time. I'm aware you are busy when caring for children, I currently do it, and have done it for several years.

I'm in agreement with the risks of being out of the workforce for a few years.
So far, regarding those risks, I:
-have chosen a family friendly field
-will have my BA & EdS degree before I have children
-will have worked for a few years before having children

[kateochang]

This is rather a hot topic for mommies. In my honest opinion, there are pros and cons in this matter. However, as a woman, I think we should have our own integrity in handling our life especially in this modern era. If in my case, I would rather work, find bucks out there to satisfy my needs, my kids and saving/investment for a better life in future. Yes, I may have a husband (example..i'm not married at the mo) to take care of me n children and provide us with all the good stuffs but we will never know what will happen in future right? If anything happens to the husband or the marriage, who can we turn to? We have to turn to ourselves first because money doesn't fall from sky as easy as that.

For mommies who are not working and staying at home to take care of the kids. I have to say..kudos to you! You sacrifice yourself and your job to see your children growing up. And it is not bad at all but one piece of advice, be a smart mum, not a lazy mum. There are ways that you can make income from home especially nowadays. So figure out what you can do and make income for yourself. Lazying around at home will just make you a static person. I have to be honest, I have this dream of being a mom that is able to take care of my children and at the same time, make income from home.

At the end of the day, it is you to decide, which path do you want to take.


This is just an opinion of mine. Not to offfense anyone ok?

Cheers!

[crabbypatty]

The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts.

For you young kids, the title is a play on words. "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan was published in 1963 and talked about the unspoken issue -- that some women wanted more out of life than to be housewives.

I just read a very brief summary of this book The Feminine Mistake written by the author AlterNet: WorkPlace: Women Who Ditch Their Career for Homelife Could Be Making a Huge Mistake Here are some quotes from the summary:

It's as if the adult world of work and public affairs regards these self-appointed CHO's ("chief household officers," in the self-congratulatory parlance of one magazine aimed at that constituency) as somewhat dimwitted second-class citizens who aren't really up to the task of dealing with reality, which has to be left to the grown-ups.

Among full-time homemakers, this overdeveloped capacity for denial is often accompanied by a highly combative sense of indignation about views that challenge their own.

Thus buffered from harsh realities, stay-at-home mothers can often preserve their illusions for quite a while. But over the long run, neither willful obliviousness nor a double standard that treats them like second-class citizens will save these women from the all-too-real problems I have documented in my book. The facts don't change just because you refuse to look at them.

I hope I'm wrong about this. Maybe the stay-at-home moms will devour the information in The Feminine Mistake and debate my findings in their book clubs. Maybe some of them will even reconsider their choices and start making more sensible plans for the future than relying on the blithe assumption that there will always be an obliging husband around to support them.

The tone of this summary is brutal. When an author is clearly so contemptuous of their subject matter, I have to wonder about the validity of their "facts".

[disneysteve]

When an author is clearly so contemptuous of their subject matter, I have to wonder about the validity of their "facts".

There are lies, damn lies and statistics.

[jmjj215]

I am Hubby's personal manager around here. I keep track of all things personal so he can focus on his stressful and time consuming job. He has said that he couldn't have done it without the contribution I make at home.

There's no way I could do my job well w/o the unbelievable support of my wife. She's the oil in our well-oiled machine -- for sure.