Men Jokes

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

joke

Test Results

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his organ out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"


Management

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

joke

Bosses Wife

Kim Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Kim Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Kim Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


Managerment

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

joke

Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too .

.

Management.

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

joke

Foiled carjacking

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed


Management

[cbmeeks]

Re: Men Jokes

Ok, a turn about's is fair play:


The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.




41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

[markio26]

Re: Men Jokes

lmao... this is funny stuff.... and alot of it is true too.... what a hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

I'm waiting on one coming in. He sent it, but the joke didn't attach. More coming tomorrow to he said. Might not get this one again, until tomorrow.

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Granny The Old Biker

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his
arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks,
"Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked
over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish.
I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a
chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question,
have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope
... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

>Joke

>A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.
>Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window
>of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
>The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up
>there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going
>to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door.
>A warm voice said, "Come on in."
>
>When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass
was all
>over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the
>broken window.
>
>A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
>window?"
>
>"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that." the husband replied.
>
>"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a
>genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that
>you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each
>one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
>
>"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted
>out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
>
>"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do.
And
>I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>
>"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
>
>"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in
>the world," she said.
>
>"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe
>from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
>"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
>
>"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman
>in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
>
>The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now
>have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
>
>She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right.
>Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you,
>honey?"
>
>"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
>
>So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the
>afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three
>hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her
>eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
>
>"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
>"No crap! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

couple has a dog that snores. Bcause she can't sleep, the
> > wife goes to the Vet to see if she can get help. The Vet tells the
> > woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring.
> >
> > "Yeah right!" she says.
> >
> > A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
> >
> > The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
> > she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it
> > carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
> > snoring. The woman is amazed!
> >
> >
> > Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
> > drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
> > begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work
> > on him! .. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
> > ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it
> > also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
> >
> >
> > Her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
> > bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
> > mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very
> > confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
> > ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks

> > at the dog and whispers....
> >
> > "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took
> > First and Second places".

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

joke
A woman was in a coma and nurses were in her room giving her a
sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was
a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her
husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds,
maybe a
little sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for
privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are
their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the

nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind
man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk
and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that
ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

These all came in here this morning guys. funny!

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

O.k. I won't send any more. I got 35 - 40 this morning. Had to help start your day off for ya. These are toooo funny. Just wanted to share.

scamp

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

This guy escapes from prison. Breaks into this house. Pulls the guy out of bed, and ties him to a chair. Climbs on top of his wife, and ties her hands to the bed. Starts kissing and nibbling her neck. Then jumps off and goes into the bathroom.
Husband says honey he's an escape convict. Look at his clothes. Give him anything he wants or he'll kill us. Just don't get angry honey, or fine him disgusting. He probably hasn't seen a women in 10 years. So satisfy him and he'll leave. I Love You.
Wife responds. Oh honey he wasn't kissin my neck. He was whispering her 's gay. Thinks your kind of cute. Wanted to know where I kept the vaseline. I told him in the bathroom. So be strong honey, it will soon be over. I Love You.

[miclason]

Re: Men Jokes

Man wakes up with a really bad hangover and gets up to go to the bathroom, he finds 2 beers in a small cooler on the dresser, with a note from his wife: Honey, drink these and let Junior know you're up, so he can heat up the chicken soup I made for you...Guy goes HUH?, but lets Junior know he's up and asks him to heat up the soup...Boy brings up the soup in a tray and the guy asks him: what happened last night?...the boy says: well, you came in at around 3am, totally drunk, and crashed the car against the garage door, then peed on Mom's new rug and fell asleep on the stairs...guy asks: what did Mom do?...boy: she got really mad and started calling you every name in the book, then asked me to help bring you upstairs, and you threw up all over her new bedspread...((guy is thinking, I should be in big trouble, so what's the deal with the beer and the soup??)) ...so, what did Mom do next?...well, she was trying to clean you up and, when she tried to undo your pants to pull them off, you slapped her and yelled: stop right there, you b*tch! I'm married!!