Men Jokes

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Re: Men Jokes

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

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Re: Men Jokes

Senator Joke

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell.
The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity." She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,” Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!"

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Re: Men Jokes

Pest Contro Joke

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.... "Those little devils.

Sharon Ikeam Office Manager

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Re: Men Jokes

Joke

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor
asked for a sperm count. He gave him a clean jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "Dear God man... you asked your neighbor? " "Yep.
And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Sharon Ikeam Office Manager

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Re: Men Jokes

Joke

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2:
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4:
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5:
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Commandment 6:
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7:
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8:
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9:
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why
wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10:
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well the wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband
decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a
moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


Ramble Management

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Re: Men Jokes

Joke

BATHING THE CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will
dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!


Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times....

Sincerely,

THE DOG


Management

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Re: Men Jokes

joke

Never underestimate a woman.

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

....including the curtain rods.

Management

[sweeps]

Re: Men Jokes

....including the curtain rods.

Funny!

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

don't know what kind of jokes you lke. Management here is all women. they have sent us soooo many that they have gotton in. If you don't want anymore, let me know. Some of these are a trip. Let me hear from ya anyway.

Scamp

[markio26]

Re: Men Jokes

some of it is funny.... good humor is nice...i appreciate good jokes, just the clean ones though.... thanks for the posts.

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Re: Men Jokes

Joke

My Perfect Hubby

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Management

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Re: Men Jokes

Joke

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look - Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones

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Re: Men Jokes

joke

Job Opening

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're B S in me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it.


Management

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Re: Men Jokes

joke

Lawn Needs Mowing

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!


Management

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Re: Men Jokes

joke

Vacuum Sales

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

Get Out said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse terds all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of these horse terds from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a dam good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


Management