Men Jokes

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Re: Men Jokes

Funny and touching at the same time, miclason.

Great work, Scamper and gang.

Keep it coming!

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

How To find Inner Peace

The doc on t.v. said in order to find calm in our lives, we must finish everything we started. So this morning I finished off all the wine, then all the beer, then all the white rollett, then a whole bag of chips, a bag of oreos, all the prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.
Boy you have no idea, how freaking good I feel.

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

EXCUSE THE LANGUAGE

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with
delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman
continues
to
bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a
mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The
husband said, "What did he say about your 50 year old ass?" "Your name
never
came up," she replied.

[Scamper]

Re: Men Jokes

Joke

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[Scamper]

WHAT SMELLS?

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell ! It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, let's go for a spin and see what the problem is".

Off they went.

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"



"Smell it?

Lady, I'm sittin' in it !!

[Scamper]

Back Seat driver

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk

[Scamper]

Subject: Fw: next time you're at the pump





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All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;
it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are and how we the public gets ripped off daily and most are unaware or just don't care.


You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
(At least, I was...)


Compared with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?


< BR>

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.




Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon




Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon



Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $1 0.17 per gallon



Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon



Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon


Vick's Ny quil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon


Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon


Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon


Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon


< BR>
And this is the REAL KICKER but really no surprise. It explains why every one and their brother is selling bottled water.


Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER

and the buyers don't even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)


Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................

you won't believe it...................

but it is true.........................

$5,200 a gal. ( Five thousand two hundred dollars !! )


So, the next time you're at the pump,
be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
or God forbid, bottled water or Printer Ink!!!!!


And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!

[Scamper]

THE STRANGER ~**~


> A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new
to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated
with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our
family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
>
>
> As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my
young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary
instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to
obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us
spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>
>
> If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science,
he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present
and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to
the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me
cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to
mind.
>
>
> Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were
shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would
go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever
prayed for the stranger to leave.)
>
>
> Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the
stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for
example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or
any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with
four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my
mother blush.
>
>
> My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But
the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He
made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He
talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were
sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>
>
> I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed
the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked
to leave.
>
>
> More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in
with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as
fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my
parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in
his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him
draw his pictures. His name?....
>
> . . .
>
> We just call him, "TV."
>
> * *Note: This should be required reading for every
household in America !** He has a wife now....We call
her "Computer."

[Scamper]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick, " he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"It burns when I pee out of it," the man replied.

[Scamper]

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her.

Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed.

Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

[Scamper]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history!"

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife? I haven't been home yet!

[Scamper]

A deaf couple are lying in bed and trying to decide how they can tell their spouse as to whether they want to have sex or not. In the dark, they can not read sign language. The wife says "I have an idea, if you want to have sex, squeeze by left boob once, and if you don't squeeze it twice". The husband thought that was a great idea. His wife said, how will I tell you if I want to have sex. The husband thought about it and said, "I know, if you want to have sex, squeeze my willy once, and if you don't squeeze it 75 times"

[Scamper]

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "What do you think I rang the doorbell with?"

[Scamper]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's big willie . Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, did you know that if I insert my big willie in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's butt and lets get the heck out of here."

[Scamper]

Elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"