Girlfriend w/ CC debt won't accept help

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Me too. When I met my husband I asked him what his future goals where. His answer? Sell my ford focus and buy a cooler car. I asked him if he wanted a house, kids, dogs, etc? His answer at the time? WTF!

I said is savings important to you? He said why? I said because it is to me. We had a lot of talks and growing up together. We were both really young. Not everything was hunky-dory, but it was good.

He wasn't and still might not be ready for kids. Should I dump him? He wasn't ready for marriage or money, but he's grown up a lot. Granted if he had stayed a stunted 22 year old I might be worried. But 9 years later he's a much different person and so am I!

I'm with Jim on this one. Depends on what the relationship is. Booty call, cut your losses. If not, then it could take awhile to work out.

[Well Spent]

I would keep myself completely separate from her financially. You have to decide if she is worth the wait. Changing her mentallity on money, may be long and never happen.

I would certainly sit down with her and discuss your need for financial compatibility. Her family (though they may have not been good money roll models) are not to blame for her financial mistakes, now. She appears to know that she has a problem, but may not know or care, how to fix it.

You have your work cut out for you, good luck to you and her.

I agree with the above if you seriously see a future with her but be very wary. She has to want to change and work hard at it.

She has potential because she doesn't seem to loaf off you too much right now but she might get more dependent the longer you stay together.

I personally would move out right now, though. Her change process needs to happen on her own. At this point, she's a bum. She can't be a true partner who equally supports and protects you. She's a liability.

[Well Spent]

We managed to cut a bunch of expenses, and the new budget (with a second job added) has room to make CC payments and a little bit of money for lunches and entertainment so she won't go crazy. However, we've yet again hit a snag or two...

She recently received a montary gift from family, which seemed perfectly timed to help here! Several hundred dollars to pay off a card immediately could really help jump start our little program and free up a minimum payment.

The problem is that she refuses to put the money toward debt. She says it is not part of the original budget, so she is going to shop with it. She wants to spend the entire sum on clothing etc. She doesn't even have items in particular she wants to buy, but she wants to spend it. I could understand maybe buying one item or spending a portion of it, but she wants to spend all of it regardless. She just won't see that she's already SPENT that money and she needs to use it to repay that debt...

Additional problems on the job front. She is dragging her feet on filling out an application or talking to local employers. I found thee stores she loves that told me they are hiring... But she still won't talk to them or apply. She just says she doesn't feel like it right now and will do it later. However, she's been saying that for almost 2 weeks now.

She complains to everyone she talks to that I "put her on a budget" and constantly talks about all the things she wants to buy but now can't because I locked up her CCs in my safe. I'm at a loss here... Suggestions?

This isn't a snag! This is major! Her character is very questionable; selfish, immature, irresponsible, shallow. Don't be an enabler. It sounds like you're working harder on this than she is. Is being single that scary to you? There are better women out there. Just get out there and be patient. Don't go down this road with her. It's going to hurt you.

[boosami]

I had another talk with her, but unfortunately her responses were more of the same.

She always has an excuse as to why she can't/won't apply for a job. There is a store where she knows the owner and could have a job immediately, but it's "too close to a bad neighborhood." Two of the places I suggested she won't work at because she'll "spend her whole paycheck there." If I ever beat her at logic, she just uses the emotional excuse which trumps everything: "You know I'm already too stressed with X, Y, and Z to do this right now. Stop pushing me."

She really has a problem with self-control. It's not just with spending, either... She is always complaining she's gained a few pounds, and she'll complain while she's eating her second bowl of ice cream of the day. She is constantly asking me to stop her from doing things, and then I'm the bad guy when I actually follow through. She can't seem to stop herself even though she can identify that she needs to stop, which I have trouble understanding. She's even been in trouble at her job for not using self control in work situations. I hate to say it, but I could see her getting fired for having one strike too many!

I guess it was always like this. Before I just didn't know about her debt and didn't see her problems with self control because we didn't live together. I think I'm hanging onto a version of her that never really existed... And I'm not sure anything can help her but her own self-realization.

Personal Finance Forum is a synonym for Relationship Advice Forum, apparently...

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Then leave, but remember we're well meaning people in cyberspace. No one except the two people in the relationship (even those in real life) can know the whole situation.

I recall my mom saying to my cousin as he got divorced, sure it's not great, but only you and know what really happened. It's easy for his family to blame her, but he's not blameless. Only the couple really knows and can deal with it. It stuck with me, whatever problems my DH and I have (mostly regarding his family who suck), it's between us.

Good luck.

[DebbieL]

I would dump her so fast! Trust me, she will bring down your house financially (then probably move on to the next sucker). A cute face only works for so long - make like the wind and find someone who shares your way of thinking. You need a woman who will be an asset to you - not a liability.

[PrincessPerky]

I think she needs a psychiatrist....next time she asks you to help (if you don't leave) tell her you can't but will call someone who can.

[Coleroo]

I agree with steve completely.

This is a girl who is not financially ready for the more detailed aspects of a committed relationship, a marriage, or beyond. What if something slips up and babies get involved?? Then it will be hard.

You will never change her. Paying her way will never change her. Giving her money will not change her. The best thing to do is see if she'll read financial books or take a financial management class (which, then, you could reasonably pay for it and call it "help"). She will not change unless SHE wants to deep down - and a person's spending habits are HARD to break...it's not something that happens over night. It takes time and hard work.

EDIT: BTW, personal finance has a LOT to do with relationship management. You can't have one without the other.

[Coleroo]

p.s. I just read the ending of this thead in detail..didn't realize it was 3 pages long. I wouldn't recommend "leaving" her cold and dry. My own husband was completely void of any financial management knowledge when we met, but I wouldn't have considered leaving him. But do be aware that "paying" someone's way will not get them out of trouble. It is also not good for the person in question. Teaching them proper financial skills is the only thing you can truly do to help her in the long run.

[DebbieL]

You can't teach someone what they don't want to learn. She doesn't want to change. I would be gone.

[boosami]

The saga continues:

We recently got back from a week long vacation. Miss me?

Waiting in her mail was the latest statement from the creditor that she owes the most money ($20,000+). They hiked her interest rate up to ~35%, more than 15 points higher than the previous rate. She is furious of course, and maintains she hasn't made any late payments. I suspect the creditor did a financial review on her account, noted the collections and high debt, and adjusted the rate according to the risk.

She has still not gotten a second job. She's now hinging everything on a promotion she is "sure to get" at work. She has not even officially applied for it yet.

Neither has she stopped all superflous spending. This past week she wanted to buy something and pulled out her credit card right in front of me (I let her keep one for emergencies only). I refused to let her buy the item on her credit card. She argued "It's only $100," but I maintained that she has already spent that $100 hundreds of times over. She then insinuated that I should buy it for her. This is of course after I just paid both of our ways for our recent vacation (north of $3,000)... She was angry with me the entire day.

I'm on the verge of just plain giving up--giving her the credit cards back, and letting her spend as she pleases. She'll eventually bury herself completely in debt and collections, and what will she do when I'm not there to help her? Her problems will be the demise of our relationship.

[glock35ipsc]

My only question is: why are you still with her? I am not being sarcastic either. She is a cancer to YOUR financial health. She cannot and will not be treated by ANYONE'S medicine. You are only making things worse for yourself by staying in this relationship. It seems to me you have done WAY more than is expected of you. Make a clean break before this relationship goes any further!

[glock35ipsc]

Just to recap.....

Originally posted by disneysteve
If I were in your situation, this person would be my EX-girlfriend.

Originally Posted by fruitbowlk
I hope you all do not plan to marry because you will be miserable. I think it is a lack of maturity and it gets old very fast. Does she drink? Smoke or do other harmful things to herself? You cannot help someone who does not want help. I would walk away while there are not real ties.

Originally Posted by Scanner
That being said, it may reach a boiling point in realizing that you two are incompatible.

Originally Posted by JinCO
If she is unwilling to at least work on this issue, I would recommend parting ways.

Originally Posted by gamecock43
You have gone so far out of your way to help her and she does not appreciate it at all.

Originally Posted by LuxLiving
Looks like you have your answer - someone else is always going to be at fault, not her.

Originally Posted by fruitbowlk
She's not going to change. I say RUN.

Originally Posted by Scanner
Boosami:

Guy to guy here. . .she may have a nice toush or whatever but trust me, whatever is physical there isn't worth it.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but not now. She obviously wants to live hand to mouth.

Dump her and move on and let her find a sugar daddy.

Pretty common theme here......

Run while you can. There are plenty of women who have there stuff together, it's becoming VERY clear that this chick does not.

Originally Posted by boosami
I know how much finances can hurt or strain marriages and relationships, so believe me it's crossed my mind to leave her...

Sounds like you already know the answer as to what needs done here........

[boosami]

I'm guilty of the same thing she is--I want to ignore the situation and let it magically disappear.

I'm going to have a discussion with her and tell her to shape up or ship out.

[disneysteve]

My only question is: why are you still with her?

Ditto.