Girlfriend w/ CC debt won't accept help

[PrincessPerky]

Yep, I always remind my wife how good she looks out of her clothes.

That isn't what I meant, but hey that too...

[boosami]

We managed to cut a bunch of expenses, and the new budget (with a second job added) has room to make CC payments and a little bit of money for lunches and entertainment so she won't go crazy. However, we've yet again hit a snag or two...

She recently received a montary gift from family, which seemed perfectly timed to help here! Several hundred dollars to pay off a card immediately could really help jump start our little program and free up a minimum payment.

The problem is that she refuses to put the money toward debt. She says it is not part of the original budget, so she is going to shop with it. She wants to spend the entire sum on clothing etc. She doesn't even have items in particular she wants to buy, but she wants to spend it. I could understand maybe buying one item or spending a portion of it, but she wants to spend all of it regardless. She just won't see that she's already SPENT that money and she needs to use it to repay that debt...

Additional problems on the job front. She is dragging her feet on filling out an application or talking to local employers. I found thee stores she loves that told me they are hiring... But she still won't talk to them or apply. She just says she doesn't feel like it right now and will do it later. However, she's been saying that for almost 2 weeks now.

She complains to everyone she talks to that I "put her on a budget" and constantly talks about all the things she wants to buy but now can't because I locked up her CCs in my safe. I'm at a loss here... Suggestions?

[gamecock43]

Ahhhh! I can sense your frustrations and I would really be ticked off if I were in your shoes.
She must send that money to credit card debt. She must!
And- if she wants to shop with it, at least make her wait till she has a job at her favorite clothing store and then shop with her employee discount!

[gamecock43]

ooohhh....she does not seem to be very financially aware. I hope someone comes along with more suggestions to get her interested in finances, because I throw up my hands at this one. I'm kind of speechless. You have gone so far out of your way to help her and she does not appreciate it at all.

[Ima saver]

What a shame! I can't imagine wanting to go shopping when I owed so much money on credit cards!!

[LuxLiving]

Looks like you have your answer - someone else is always going to be at fault, not her.

You did mention that there was a little wiggle room for a lunch out, etc. If she can see that she'll still have room for a bit of fun then she may totally get on board. Again, I'll say it's wise to allocate a bit of any money that comes in to some fun for those that need it. Some to PAST (debt), some to PRESENT (living expenses & fun) and some to FUTURE (savings).

Good luck to you, I don't think she's on the same page with you yet!

[JanH]

It almost sounds like she has an emotional issue and uses shopping to self medicate. She could spend a small portion of the windfall and use the rest for debt. But, she is excited about having money to spend. That is why it seems that she has some other issue. After following your story for awhile, I wonder if you shouldn't hold back advancing your relationship even more until you see if she can change the way she sees spending and money. The complaining about your budget might be a step towards changing, but I don't know if it is going to stick yet. I'm not saying abandon her, but I wouldn't marry or combine household until she gets a mindset change or she could drag your finances down with hers.

[gamecock43]

At least she is awknowledging there is a budget! And she comprehends the budget enough to know how to manipulate it into allowing her to spend this money!
*but apparently, her heart is not in this.
I am guessing she has a different tolerance level before she becomes financially uncomfortable. She has not hit it yet. I have no idea what kind of numbers she needs to see though.

[fruitbowlk]

We managed to cut a bunch of expenses, and the new budget (with a second job added) has room to make CC payments and a little bit of money for lunches and entertainment so she won't go crazy. However, we've yet again hit a snag or two...

She recently received a montary gift from family, which seemed perfectly timed to help here! Several hundred dollars to pay off a card immediately could really help jump start our little program and free up a minimum payment.

The problem is that she refuses to put the money toward debt. She says it is not part of the original budget, so she is going to shop with it. She wants to spend the entire sum on clothing etc. She doesn't even have items in particular she wants to buy, but she wants to spend it. I could understand maybe buying one item or spending a portion of it, but she wants to spend all of it regardless. She just won't see that she's already SPENT that money and she needs to use it to repay that debt...

Additional problems on the job front. She is dragging her feet on filling out an application or talking to local employers. I found thee stores she loves that told me they are hiring... But she still won't talk to them or apply. She just says she doesn't feel like it right now and will do it later. However, she's been saying that for almost 2 weeks now.

She complains to everyone she talks to that I "put her on a budget" and constantly talks about all the things she wants to buy but now can't because I locked up her CCs in my safe. I'm at a loss here... Suggestions?

She's not going to change. I say RUN.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Talk to her about why should pay down debt. And perhaps a bit to spending and the rest to debt. It doesn't all have to go to debt.

[PrincessPerky]

Watch peter pan with her and mentioin refusing to take responsibility for debt is rather childish..everyone does love peter pan, but no one wants to marry peter pan...if she is cool with not growing up, you can decide if you want to put up with her childishness or not.

Or you could tell her how it hurts that she blames it all on you when she is the one in debt.

and you could ask why she wants to be financially secure and responsible. if she can't say why, she wont want to.

[Scanner]

Boosami:

Guy to guy here. . .she may have a nice toush or whatever but trust me, whatever is physical there isn't worth it.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but not now. She obviously wants to live hand to mouth.

Dump her and move on and let her find a sugar daddy.

[glock35ipsc]

If I were in your situation, this person would be my EX-girlfriend.

I hope you all do not plan to marry because you will be miserable. I think it is a lack of maturity and it gets old very fast. Does she drink? Smoke or do other harmful things to herself? You cannot help someone who does not want help. I would walk away while there are not real ties.

That being said, it may reach a boiling point in realizing that you two are incompatible.

If she is unwilling to at least work on this issue, I would recommend parting ways.

You have gone so far out of your way to help her and she does not appreciate it at all.

Looks like you have your answer - someone else is always going to be at fault, not her.

She's not going to change. I say RUN.

Boosami:

Guy to guy here. . .she may have a nice toush or whatever but trust me, whatever is physical there isn't worth it.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but not now. She obviously wants to live hand to mouth.

Dump her and move on and let her find a sugar daddy.

Pretty common theme here......

Run while you can. There are plenty of women who have there stuff together, it's becoming VERY clear that this chick does not.

I know how much finances can hurt or strain marriages and relationships, so believe me it's crossed my mind to leave her...

Sounds like you already know the answer as to what needs done here........

[gamecock43]

Keep us updated!!

[jIM_Ohio]

We managed to cut a bunch of expenses, and the new budget (with a second job added) has room to make CC payments and a little bit of money for lunches and entertainment so she won't go crazy. However, we've yet again hit a snag or two...

She recently received a montary gift from family, which seemed perfectly timed to help here! Several hundred dollars to pay off a card immediately could really help jump start our little program and free up a minimum payment.

The problem is that she refuses to put the money toward debt. She says it is not part of the original budget, so she is going to shop with it. She wants to spend the entire sum on clothing etc. She doesn't even have items in particular she wants to buy, but she wants to spend it. I could understand maybe buying one item or spending a portion of it, but she wants to spend all of it regardless. She just won't see that she's already SPENT that money and she needs to use it to repay that debt...

Additional problems on the job front. She is dragging her feet on filling out an application or talking to local employers. I found thee stores she loves that told me they are hiring... But she still won't talk to them or apply. She just says she doesn't feel like it right now and will do it later. However, she's been saying that for almost 2 weeks now.

She complains to everyone she talks to that I "put her on a budget" and constantly talks about all the things she wants to buy but now can't because I locked up her CCs in my safe. I'm at a loss here... Suggestions?

Let me chime in on page 3 or 4...

WOW, this is an issue. I have been there and done that (with my wife).

Savings needs to be a habit- the behavior is the best fix. Not the budget, not the e-bay, not the second job. Getting her to see that life does not run on credit needs to be job 1.

I remember being at this spot about 9 years ago with my wife. We have been married 6 years as of last weekend.

Here are some history lessons I went through:

1) Wife went from mother's apartment (rent free) at age 24 to living with me when I was 26 and I had been on my own for about 7 years already.
2) wife had moderate cc debt and student loan debt
3) wife is better dressed when cleaning the house than I am half the time I go to work
4) Wife and I are both stubborn and that in and of itself can make any problem a mountain.

Looking back- I went with wife (or wife went with me) shopping for ANYTHING. For example we lived together for about 6 years before she would go grocery shopping by herself. That is 3 years of going out and 3 years of marriage for those of you keeping score at home. I knew how to grocery shop and spend $100/month while single. I needed to buy for two on same budget.

so my take as this applies to you- be with GF whenever she goes shopping for anything.

My wife used to pay to get her nails done every other week. It was something around $80/visit. I was able to explain to her how much that really "cost" and she started doing her own nails- she still does that to this very day.

My wife liked clothes shopping. She would only buy things on sale, but still loved to add clothes to her closet. Now when she gets new clothes we don't buy new hangers- so something needs to go.

**suggestion- turn all the hangers in the closest backwards- the way it's tough to take the hangers off- in one year take the hangers which are still backwards and see if she can get rid of the clothes.**

We have not gone new clothes shopping for her in about 2-3 years.

That being said, there was a time in the last 9 years where my wife got a new job and it required her to wear suits. She made maybe 20k at the time (and I made close to 50), so I bought her a new wordrobe- no strings attached. Probably dropped around $500 on 10 suits which were quite stylish. I made it a point to tell her if there is something she NEEDS she will get it. We were not married at the time- I think we were engaged but maybe not. I did not ask her to "pay me back" or compensate me.

I say this because not sure if you live together or not, or how serious the relationship is. But if you truly care for her, you might be able to help in a subtle way. For example, if you do live together (you said she paid half the rent- is it half of YOUR rent?), maybe you take her rent payment and set it aside. When you have enough set aside you pay down half her debt see if she can make a concession somewhere if she accepts half the payment.

Two things need to happen-
she needs to trust you with money. Not an easy thing for a person to admit they are dependant on someone for money.
second thing is you need to trust that is an investment in the relationship. If you don't think she'll stick around or change her ways, keep the money you set aside.

I have been married for 6 years and my wife still has issues talking to me about money. Some of my aggressive saving has bothered her in the past (my early retirement goal is my own, she may still continue to work 15 years after I have retired).

This is not something which can be fixed quickly. If the relationship is something just north of a casual booty call, cut your losses. If you are serious about her, you need to give this a decade to get the kinks worked out.