Relationships

Top 5 Dying Regrets, Why I Won’t Have Them and Neither Should You

December 4, 2016 By Jeffrey Strain 7 Comments

One of the most important life lessons that we can all learn is to seriously listen to and consider the advice from those who have more experience than we do. When it comes to the end of our life, most of us are going to have some regrets. A nurse, Bronnie Ware, who spent years tending to patients that were living the last weeks of their lives recently came out with a book titled The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. While not all of these regrets are directly related to finances, they do all have some type of money aspect to them. These are the five most common regrets for people at the end of their life and why I won’t have them (and neither should you) when I do die:

#1 Dying Regret: Not Having The Courage To Live True To Yourself

My first job out of college was working for Hallmark Cards. One of the things that became readily apparent from the beginning was that if you stayed with the company, you were going to leave with well over $1 million at retirement. I also began to see that because of this, there were more than a few people that were stuck doing a job that they didn’t really enjoy, but had convinced themselves they couldn’t afford to leave.

When I decided to leave a couple of years later, it happened to be during a difficult economic time and I had no other job lined up. There were quite a few people that said I was crazy to leave such a secure job. Most couldn’t understand why I was willing to leave just because I didn’t enjoy being there. I ended up quitting, traveling to Alaska with the goal of making my way all the way to the southern most point of South America. I made it to Central America before another adventure interrupted that plan and I found myself in the middle of the countryside of Japan.

It was a difficult decision and there was a lot of pressure not only from acquaintances, but also friends, to stick with the Hallmark job for the security. I have never regretted the decision to leave or to pursue the things that make me happiest no matter what others may say. I know that I have disappointed others with my decisions from time to time, but I can safely say that not having the courage to live true to myself will not be one of my dying regrets.

While this may not seem like something that has much to do with money, for me it certainly has over the years. The reason that I have been able to summon the courage to do many of the things that I have done is because I know I can survive on very little money and still be happy. I know myself well and if I lost all of my possessions tomorrow, I wouldn’t be happy about it, but it wouldn’t be devastating either. Knowing that I can survive happily on very little makes it much easier to take chances that others would be more reluctant to take. Being debt free and confident in your finances (no matter how meager) goes a long way to help gain the courage to be true to yourself.

#2 Dying Regret: Having Worked Too Hard

I think that this regret needs to be qualified. I work hard. Really hard. Some people would say that I work too hard, but I work hard at something that I truly enjoy. I also don’t work to the detriment of other things that I would like to be doing. In fact, I have created it so that my work includes doing some of my favorite things. For example, I enjoy hiking, exploring and being outdoors. So as part of my work, I now visit as many National Parks as I can each year and write about them. If hiking all day in some of the most beautiful places in the U.S. constitutes having worked too hard, then I plead guilty as charged.

It’s not the working hard that I think that most people regret, but it’s spending too much time at work (and other activities) that they didn’t really enjoy to the detriment of relationships and other important things in their lives. This is illustrated by Ware who writes, “All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

Again, this may not seem like it’s money related, but often the excuse for working all those hours is to earn more money (ironically so that you can do the things that you really enjoy). By understanding how much money I need to do the things that I want to do most and not having to try to create any more wealth than that, I feel secure that having worked too hard (at things I didn’t enjoy) will not be on my list of dying regrets.

#3 Dying Regret: The Courage To Better Express Your Feelings

This is probably the closest regret I may have that is on this top five list, but not for the reasons that others do. Ware says that this regret comes from those that ended up settling for mediocrity (with many developing illness from the bitterness and resentment) from not expressing their true feelings to others and failing to become what they believed they could be. I have never felt that I was unable to express my feelings in this way to any of my family or friends.

I’m not sure how financial related this regret is, but I have the feeling that both emotional and financial dependence have a role to play with this regret. I think that those who are financially stable and can remain so on their own are in a position that makes it easier for them to express their true feelings than those that are dependent on others.

Where I think I do fail is letting those close to me know how much I love and care for them. I tend to assume that those around me know that by me choosing to spend my time with them, this means that they are special people in my life. I’m not sure this is always a good assumption to make and I know that I could (and will continue to work on) letting those that I care about know how much I truly do value them. Seeing this regret has been a good reminder that I need work harder on this.

#4 Dying Regret: Stayed In Better Touch With Friends

I don’t think that Ware could have summed it up better than the line “Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.” This is one of the potential regrets that I am actively working on today to make sure that it doesn’t turn into a regret when I am dying.

I spent nearly 15 years in Japan, and although I did make friends there, I lost contact with a lot of my good friends in the US while I was gone. When I returned back to the US, I made the conscious decision to not purchase a home even though I could afford one. Instead, I decided to be a digital nomad and travel full time. One of the many benefits of doing this is that I am able to visit and catch up on old friendships and spend a lot more time with my family than I would have ever been able to if I owned a home. Most people can’t leave their job without a fair amount of planning, but most can welcome someone who happens to be visiting the area where they live. I have chosen to be a person that can easily be the person visiting.

Although I haven’t reached the point where I would feel that this wouldn’t be a regret at all if I were to die in the near future, I do believe I continue to make a great effort in this area to the extent that this will not be on my regret list when my time does come. I also feel that I was able to set this potential regret on the correct path by having my finances in order and knowing how I wanted to spend the money I had versus taking the typical financial advice of buying a home.

#5 Dying Regret: To Let Yourself Be Happier

The author says, “Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.” I don’t think that this can be overstated and the earlier that one learns this, the better. The problem that I often see is that there are still so many people that believe that money will buy them happiness. The truth is (even though it is difficult for many to comprehend) that making $250,000 a year won’t make you any happier than making $75,000 a year. While $75,000 is the mark for most people, it’s actually a lot less for me (but I have always been strange in that way).

I become more and more convinced that many people never take the time to really figure out what makes them happy, and if you don’t know what makes you happy, it is difficult to find that happiness. I learned long ago that things don’t make me nearly as happy as experiences. I spend almost all of my income toward gaining more experiences rather than gathering more things. This is the opposite of most people I know, and while some things may bring some people happiness, I can say with a good amount of confidence that what the advertisers say will bring you happiness and what really will bring you happiness are probably not the same.

Understanding what makes you happy will greatly influence your finances. First, and foremost, you can stop spending your money on things that the advertisers say are supposed to make you happy, but really don’t. Surprisingly to most, it also often shows that you don’t need nearly as much money as you thought to be happy. Above all else, it gives you a solid goal to go after that is what you really should be striving toward.

Final Thoughts

Just because I don’t plan to have any of the top 5 dying regrets when my life comes to an end doesn’t mean that I am anywhere near finished when it comes to making sure that they aren’t regrets. I think that it takes constant vigilance to be true to yourself and to live a life the way that brings happiness and few regrets. One of the best reasons to get your finances in order is that doing so makes these challenges so much easier to accomplish so that you do have fewer regrets during life.

You now know the top 5 regrets for the vast majority of people as they near death. What are you going to do starting today to make sure that none of these are on your list?

(Photo courtesy of NatalieMaynor)

How Having A Family Member Steal Money From Me Taught Me To Protect My Finances

September 28, 2016 By Amanda Stewart 2 Comments

Having a family member steal money from you can be one of the most disappointing and upsetting things to ever happen to you. Family members are supposed to be trustworthy and should aim to help, not hinder, you. Although stealing money from family members is something that should never happen, there are lessons that you can learn if it does happen to you. There is a saying “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Here’s what I learned from having a family member steal money from me.

My Story

steal-money-headshot Family has always been important to me. If someone in the family ever needed help I would do what I could to assist them with whatever they needed, including financial matters. Any time anyone lost a job, hit hard times or needed help I was there.

Naturally, when my cousin asked for help with some of her bills I didn’t hesitate saying yes. Little did I know she would steal money from me (and a lot of it).

She’d lost her job and was having a difficult time landing something else. She was already beginning to fall behind on her bills, her refrigerator was empty and she was struggling to stay afloat. Being the person that I am, I offered help. I paid the bills she was behind on and offered her a duplicate credit card to pay for her groceries.

In my mind this was no different than offering my credit card to someone to pick up something for me as they went to the store. How many times had I done that before? So I gave her my credit card and went home. I would return to pick it up the next day.

She went to buy groceries, sent me the total via text to let me know how much she’d spent. The next morning I checked my email and there was a message from my credit card company detailing my “cash advance” transaction. My cousin took out a $1,000 cash advance on my credit card and was no where to be found for a full week.

I was furious and unsure if I was the one making the mistakes or it was just her. How could you steal money from a family member? At some point, however, I stopped being mad and I was thankful. I was thankful for the lessons she taught me.

1. Never Allow Someone to Steal Money From You

When it boils down to it, I allowed this to take place by being too free with my finances. My family knew that I worked a great deal and made a decent living. I only had to support myself, I have no children. They felt entitled to the help I could give. When my cousin stole money from me it was because she thought I had it to spare, that I wouldn’t notice. I allowed my financial standing to be known by others and allowed them to take advantage of me. The lesson to take away here is to never allow anyone to know how many eggs are in your basket. Keep your finances to yourself and only assist others when possible and when necessary.

Another key part to not allowing someone to steal money from you is to establish boundaries. See what Dave Ramsey says about setting financial boundaries with family members here:

2. Don’t Lend Out Your Credit Card

Even if it is just going to the store to pick up a few things, don’t lend out your credit card to anyone and everyone. Even if you trust the person, they could ruin your finances with a simple swipe. At the time I didn’t think twice about handing a family member my card to take to the store. After this ordeal, however, I always carry cash. Give people cash for the purchases you are helping them with. It will decrease the likelihood of additional charges to your credit card that you didn’t authorize.

Also, never give anyone else your PIN number. If the person makes a purchase using your personal identification number you cannot file any kind of theft charges against them. You gave them access to the money. Keep your information safe and to yourself.

3. Pay For Things Directly

If you decide to help someone with bills or groceries, pay for the items directly. For instance, if your sister asks for help paying her rent for the month and you decide you will help, open the webpage and pay the rent yourself. This will prevent any kind of additional charges being made to your card. Similarly, if someone asks you to buy food for their home, go to the store and make the purchase with them. By making the purchases and paying the bills yourself it will make it much harder for family members or friends to steal money from you.

These are just a few things that I took away from my personal experience. No two experiences with having a family member (or anyone for that matter) steal money from you are the same. If you have a personal story that you would like to share, join the discussion on the Saving Advice forums or Contact Us. We would love to hear from you!

Ten Things Money Can’t Buy

September 17, 2016 By James Hendrickson 32 Comments

We talk a lot about money: How to get it, how to spend it, where to spend it, and how to save it. For all the time we devote to talking about, worrying about, and dealing with money, you’d think it was the most important thing in the world. If the time spent obsessing about money truly equated to its worth, then there would be nothing that you couldn’t do or have without money. Money would be the only thing that mattered. But is money really as valuable as our obsession level leads us to believe?

Money is important, obviously. Without it we’d have no roof over our heads, food in our bellies or clothes on our backs. Money allows us to do and have more things than we can without it. It’s a means to an end. But, for all that money is useful and good to have around, for all that it can buy, there are quite a few things that it can’t buy. Even if you have millions of dollars, there are some things that you’ll never have with money alone. So what can’t money buy? Read on.

Lost time

Money cannot buy back lost time. As each day passes, it is lost and you can never get it back. When you miss that chance to say, “I love you,” to someone special, or you tell your kids, “Not now, I have to work,” that opportunity is gone. No amount of money that you make in the future will get that day, that moment, back.

Happiness

It’s a cliche that money can’t buy happiness, but it’s also true. It can buy you some fun and fleeting joy-a cool vacation, a big TV, a fast car-but it can’t buy the true happiness that comes from liking yourself, having stable relationships, and good a familial support system.

Happy, well adjusted kids

Money can buy your kids a lot of clothes, toys and gizmos, but it can’t turn them into secure, responsible, well-mannered, intelligent people. That only comes from the time you spend with them and the things you teach them. Money might be able to help with some aspects of parenting but it’s been proven many times that kids, once their basic needs are met, benefit more from parents spending time with them than the amount of money spent on them.

Love

It’s another cliche that money can’t buy love, but a true one. Money can buy initial attraction or even lust, but “true” love comes from mutual respect, caring for each other, sharing experiences, and growing together. There’s a reason that people who marry only for money rarely end up happy. Love at it’s best functions regardless of whether you have a lot of money or very little.

Acceptance

True, you can buy things that make you fit in-the latest cars, clothes, shoes, or electronics-but these things don’t represent true acceptance. If you really want to be accepted by your peers (beyond high school where a pair of shoes really does make you part of the in crowd), you’d do better to focus your energies on making yourself valuable to those around you. Being a good friend, a kind and helpful person, and someone who excels at what they do will go further to gain you acceptance than the stuff money can buy.

Health

Money can buy healthcare and medicine, but it cannot replace health once it’s lost. It’s far better to take preventative action such as watching what you eat, exercising, not smoking, and getting regular physicals than to rely on money to save you once your body has started to fail you. Money also can’t buy back your youth. No amount of money you make in the future will replace those days when your body could do anything easily and look good doing it. You can spend thousands on “treatments” to preserve your youth, but it’s an illusion. Once your youth is gone, no amount of money will get it back.

Success

Some people succeed by being slimy and paying/bribing their way to the top. But these are the exception and I would hope you wouldn’t aspire to that. Success comes from hard work, applying your gifts in the best way possible, and paying your dues to move ahead in the world. There is very little that money can buy you to help you succeed. It might be able to buy you some training or equipment, but the majority of your success is determined by the work you put in, not the money you spend.

Talent

People are born with certain talents. Money can certainly nurture a talent. You can buy music lessons or coaching sessions to nurture your talents, but money cannot buy a talent. You can learn to do certain things well-I’ve learned to play the piano after years of lessons-but the true gift to do it well can’t be bought. Even after years of lessons, I don’t have the ability to make the piano truly sing, whereas others in my family have had that talent from birth.

Class/manners

There are plenty of rich people who are rude and crude and plenty of poor people who demonstrate perfect manners and respect for others. And vice-versa. The amount of money you have doesn’t determine whether you behave well or poorly. Manners and classy behavior are not bought, they are taught and practiced at all levels of society by parents and family members who want to see their offspring behave well in society. Money doesn’t confer good behavior. Money can buy you entry into a better class position, but it cannot make you behave with class.

Peace

If money could buy peace, I think we’d be there by now. Think of the amount of money that governments have spent over the years in the name of “peace.” Has it worked? Nope. Peace isn’t something you buy. I think peace only comes from acting fairly, humanely, and treating others (people and countries) as we would want to be treated. And even then, it might not be possible. But for sure money won’t buy it.

I’m not suggesting that you give up the pursuit of money and go on some monastic quest for deeper meaning. It is important to manage your money well, to educate yourself about money, and earn enough to secure your financial future. However, it pays to stop and think every now and then about the things you would still have even if you didn’t have money. Your family, your health, and your gifts and abilities aren’t determined by how much money you have. There are things that no amount of money can buy and it’s worthwhile to pursue them even as you worry about money. Money is important, but maybe it’s not the most important thing in the world.

(Photo courtesy of Photo4jenifer)

Phubbing: How Smartphone Behavior Can Impact Your Romantic Relationships

October 4, 2015 By Alexa Mason Leave a Comment

Attending to your smartphone while spending time with a romantic partner may have a far greater cost than you imagine. Recently researchers at Texas’s Baylor University have found that use of cellphone can ruin romantic relationships and increase depression. ‘When you think about the results, they are astounding,’ said James Roberts, professor of Marketing at Baylor, ‘Something as common as cellphone use can undermine the bedrock of our happiness – our relationships with our romantic partners,’ Roberts noted. For his study, Roberts and colleagues conducted two separate surveys, accounting for a total of 453 adults in the US, to learn the relational effects of ‘Phubbing’ – or ‘partner phone snubbing.’

Phubbing is the extent to which people use or are distracted by their cellphones while in the company of their relationship partners. ‘What we discovered was that when someone perceived that their partner phubbed them, this created conflict and led to lower levels of reported relationship satisfaction,’ Roberts said. Using their study of 308 adults helped the researchers develop a ‘Partner Phubbing Scale’, a nine-item scale of common smartphone behaviors that respondents identified as snubbing behaviours. The second survey of 145 adults measured phubbing among romantic couples.

What the results of the study are not surprising, what is surprising, is the frequency with which this sort of thing occurs. According to survey results, 46.3 percent of respondents said they’d been phubbed by their significant other, and 22.6 percent admitted that phubbing created problems in the relationship. ‘In everyday interactions with significant others, people often assume that momentary distractions by their cell phones are not a big deal,’ Meredith David, assistant professor of marketing at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business. ‘However, our findings suggest that the more often a couple’s time spent together is interrupted by one individual attending to his/her cellphone, the less likely it is that the other individual is satisfied in the overall relationship’.

And even if it’s as seemingly unimportant thing such as looking down at your phone every once in a while, the data’s results appear to show that these few seconds can impact your partner’s happyness eventually contributing to an overall feeling of dissatisfaction within the relationship.

If you’re curious as to whether you are guilty of phubbing, consider answering some of the questions used in Roberts’ study. But be warned, you may not like what you find.

1. During a typical mealtime together, my partner pulls out and checks his/her cellphone.

2. My partner places his or her cellphone where they can see it when we are together.

3. My partner keeps his or her cellphone in their hand when he or she is with me.

4. When my partner’s cellphone rings or beeps, he/she pulls it out even if we are in the middle of a conversation.

5. My partner glances at his/her cellphone when talking to me.

6. During leisure time that my partner and I are able to spend together, my partner uses his/her cellphone.

7. My partner uses his or her cellphone when we are out together.

8. If there is a lull in our conversation, my partner will check his or her cellphone.

For more on this check out stopphubbing.com, where you’ll find fascinating information not only on phubbing and its effects, but also on how you can help stop phubbing.

Otherwise if you don’t care about snubbing your partner or are single, T-Mobile and Virgin are offering prepaid cell phone plans, but be careful not to make a long term commitment if you don’t have to.

Risks of Loaning Money to Family and Friends

October 1, 2015 By Will Lipovsky 1 Comment

There are many risk to lending money to family and friends. After all, people typically don’t like discussing money with anyone, let alone their friends. So bringing a personal money transaction between you and your friends/family carries significant risk.

Many financial experts warn against giving loans to family and friends. Dave Ramsey discourages anyone from lending money this way. He says to offer them a loan but treat it as a gift. Make sure you don’t need to get the money back. That way, you help them out without putting your relationship at risk.

The Typical Risks

Strain on the Relationship

Money is stressful unless you have enough. Obviously, your friend doesn’t have enough. If you give them a loan, it may put stress on the relationship as a whole. It’s a risk. Are you willing to risk the relationship?

Lose the Relationship

Lending money, or even gifting money, can put a big strain on the relationship. Are you willing to risk a relationship over money?

Hurt Your Own Finances

You’ve got to think about yourself first. If you can’t help yourself, who can you help? It’s a risk when loaning out money. Some day, you may regret that decision.

End up Hurting More Than Helping

Often, people get into a debt cycle. You give them a loan once, you may as well enable them for the rest of their lives. This may just delay the inevitable point where they should begin winning with money for themselves.

Eventually Having to Say No Anyway

What may very well happen is people find out you’ve given a loan. Others may come to you next time they get in a money mind. This may happen over and over. Eventually, you’ll have to start telling people ‘no.’ That or you could open up a bank. Either way, you’ll have to begin turning people away.

Consider establishing a ‘no loan’ policy straight away. Consider an alternative option to lending money. Perhaps when a holiday rolls around, you give a struggling person more than you would if they hadn’t approached you about a loan. At Christmas, give them a free trip. For their birthday, consider buying them a big gift like a new bedroom set or a new car. They can focus their own money on other problems if they still exist.

Of course, where there is risk, there is also reward. They balance each other out. What may happen is the loan strengthens the bond between both parties. You may have helped a friend. Your friend may be extremely grateful. But this post is aimed at addressing any risk between lending money in this fashion. You assume a lot of risk when approaching this subject.

You never really know until you know. If you’re still unsure about lending money, try it. How well does it work out? If it is working out well, keep it going. Use the same methods for the following loans you give to people.

And it would probably be smart to listen to Dave Ramsey and never give out more than you can afford to lose. It’s kind of like with gambling.

Is It Okay to Give Cash for a Bar Mitzvah Gift?

September 28, 2015 By Alexa Mason Leave a Comment

For many non-Jewish guests, being invited to a bar mitzvah is an honor but also a little bit intimidating. If it is their first time attending a bar mitzvah they are not sure what to expect and how to dress. Deciding what to give as the bar mitzvah gift can also be overwhelming. Where do you find a card? Is it okay to give cash or is there a religious gift you are supposed to give? How much cash should you give?

Here are answers to some common questions about gifts for a bar mitzvah:

What are the most popular bar mitzvah gifts?

Some popular gifts to give for a bar mitzvah are books, jewelry with Jewish symbols, electronics or experiences like swimming with dolphins. Think of the bar mitzvah gift as a birthday present for a really significant birthday. You want to give something special.

Is it okay to give cash for a bar mitzvah gift?

Yes. Cash is a great financial gift and is the most common gift to give for a bar mitzvah. Cash will be appreciated by the young person celebrating their bar mitzvah and the parents. You never have to worry about cash being returned because it wasn’t the right size or color.

How much cash should I give?

For bar mitzvahs most people give gifts of money in multiples of 18. The number 18 represents the Hebrew letters for chai (or life) and giving cash in multiples of 18 is symbolic of giving the gift of chia (life).

Typically, how much cash you should give depends on where the service or reception is being held and how close you are to the family. If you are a close family friend or the reception is being held at a fancy location, a gift of $108 is appropriate. Otherwise $54 is a safe amount to give.

Do not feel like your gift has to be $54, $108, or some other multiple of 18. If you want to give $75, then give $75. The young person receiving your gift and their family will be grateful for any gift you choose to give. Do not feel pressure to give more than you are able to give. It is the thought that counts, not the amount of the gift.

Should I give cash or a gift card?

Cash is the most common gift and parents usually deposit the money into their child’s college fund, but gift cards are also often given as a bar mitzvah gift. If you choose to give a gift card instead of cash, you could give a gift certificate to a local bookstore. You could purchase one of the following popular gift cards: Amazon, Gamestop, iTunes, Starbucks, Subway or movie theaters. Or you could make a basket of smaller denomination gift cards for iTunes, restaurants and movie theaters.

Etiquette for receiving a cash gift

Receiving cash as a gift requires the same etiquette as receiving any other gift. You should send a handwritten thank you note to the sender for your gift. It’s easier and faster to send an email, but some things are better with the personal touch.