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What To Do If You Are Financially Stuck In An Abusive Relationship

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Stuck in an Abusive Relationship

When relationships get more serious, finances are often intertwined. People get married and open joint bank accounts, have joint bills, and own things together. If things go downhill, this can leave some individuals financial stuck in an abusive relationship or, at the very least, stuck in an unhappy marriage. Here is how to protect yourself and your finances if your relationship gets rocky.

What Defines Abuse?

Abuse can be defined as a number of different things and it is not always physical. Any actions taken by your partner to give them power over you can be considered abusive. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, abuse includes physical and sexual violence, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. More often than not, multiple forms of domestic violence can occur at any given time within the same relationship.

Being Financially Stuck vs. Financial Abuse

Being financially stuck in a relationship and experiencing financial abuse are similar but aren’t quite the same thing. Financial abuse tends to deal more with forcing choices, such as career changes. It also means, more likely than not, your partner is tracking every single penny you spend. Financial abuse will also likely mean that you don’t have any accounts of your own. All of the money comes from one place.

Feeling like you are stuck in a relationship because of your finances can be a result of financial abuse, but not always. Maybe your partner is the breadwinner, or maybe you have a lot of joint assets. Whatever the case may be, the things making you feel stuck are never worth sticking out an abusive relationship.

How to Protect Your Finances When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

The hardest part of leaving an abusive relationship isn’t normally leaving. It is finding your independence and realizing you can do it on your own once you’ve left. Here are a few things you can start doing immediately (before or after) leaving an abusive relationship.

  1. Before leaving, make copies of any important documents you may need. Get copies of tax returns, bank statements, mortgage and loan information, any car titles, pay stubs, receipts, etc. You can snap a photo of them and store them on a cloud account that only you have access to.
  2. Reach out to your friends and family – anyone that can help you. Whether they let you crash on their couch, or take you to appointments, every bit of help you can get will make a huge difference. Don’t try to go through it alone.
  3. Open all new accounts and cut financial ties with your partner. Be sure that when you are setting up new accounts that you are not using security questions and passwords your former partner may know or have access to. You want these accounts to be completely your own.
  4. Start saving money as soon as possible. We all need to have an emergency fund and, since you are starting out fresh, you’ll need some savings to fall back out. Sock away as much as you can as soon as you can.
  5. If you’re married, start researching and calling attorneys. You’ll want to have good representation in the event your divorce goes to trial. It is also good to have legal advice when you are leaving an abusive relationship.
  6. Find a financial advisor. Chances are if you didn’t handle money throughout your relationship, you may need some guidance on how to best manage yours. Invest some time into researching and calling around for a financial advisor.

Resources for Leaving

Connect with a victim advocate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call, email, and even chat online with someone about what you are going through. They can provide you with resources and information to help you get out. You can access their website here or call 1(800) 799-7233.

Statewide advocacy groups are also a good resource. They can help connect you with local advocates. Additionally, the local YWCA has resources to help fight domestic violence and help people who are stuck in an abusive relationship. They have shelters and services available throughout the United States.

Most importantly, remember that being broke or facing financial hardship is far better than staying in an abusive relationship of any kind. With help from professionals, friends, and family you can get past this and create a better, safe, future for yourself.

Financially Starting Over

As mentioned above, starting over and becoming independent is the hardest part of leaving. Starting out with a clean financial slate can be a good thing though. Once you’re out on your own and have taken care of yourself, take these steps to get back on the right track.

  1. Get a copy of your credit report and work on rebuilding it. Sometimes an abuser may have taken a toll on your finances as well. Maybe they took out credit cards in your name or didn’t make payments the way they should have. Getting a copy of your report can give you a big-picture view of where you stand financially.
  2. Make a plan for paying off any debts. Once you’ve checked out your credit report, construct a plan for paying off what debts you do owe. If you believe the debts to have been accrued illegally or without your knowledge, consult with an attorney about your options.
  3. Create a brand new budget. Now that you’re out on your own, you’ll need to create a new budget. This will likely change month-to-month drastically at the beginning but will give you the planning necessary to be financially successful.
  4. Consider changing jobs. If you aren’t making enough to support yourself, it may be time to consider a job change or finding a way to make money on the side.

After that, get ready to be independent and successful. After everything you’ve been through at this point, the best feeling will be when you sit back and realize you created a life that you love and escaped abuse. There will be no better feeling in the world.

Readers, do you have any additional advice to add? Let us know in the comments below!

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Financial Abuse and How to Avoid It

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financial abuse

Abuse is a tough topic to discuss. When the conversation happens, you would more than likely hear about verbal or physical abuse. There is another kind called financial abuse. Financial, or economic abuse, occurs when an abuser uses money as a weapon. At first glance, it seems improbable. However, when you understand it, you may realize you’ve seen it before.

What is Financial Abuse?

Credit Karma did a survey that said 10% of those asked were financially bullied in their relationships, meaning that one person in the relationship was using the money to control the other. Examples of this would be demanding the paycheck of their significant other each payday, only providing a specific allowance if they weren’t working, or stealing money. The basis of the abuse is just like any other; it’s one person having power or control over another.

Withholding Money

Recently, a friend told me how her spouse has been displaying abusive behavior. She said that if he were angry, he would withhold the debit card used for bills and groceries. At the time, she was out of work and had no other money. Once she started working again, he became jealous that she made more money. Then, he would pick fights out of his insecurity and try to make her feel guilty for working outside of the home. He sought to manipulate and control her using money.

Taking Over the Finances

Another example of financial abuse is creating big goals and budgets without both partners’ input. This situation is different than when one spouse is better at handling investments. In an abusive case, the abuser will dictate spending on any or all categories, from clothing to food to self-care. Often, we assume the man is the abuser. Women can also be a bully in a financial situation. I know some ladies that take budgeting and saving very seriously; they dictate how much they need from their spouses on payday for a savings account without asking about their needs or goals.

No Way Out

If there is only one income, it can be even more extreme. This situation is where an allowance may be typical, or one partner has to ask the other for any money he or she needs. The National Domestic Violence Hotline states that lack of resources is one of the reasons why victims can’t leave abusive relationships. If you were convinced to stop working, have little to no cash savings, and no credit cards in your name alone, then it would be hard to get a hotel room, let alone an apartment. The abuser could easily cancel a card, close an account, and locate you by the charges on the account.

How to Stop Financial Abuse

The first step in fixing the situation is communication and transparency. Here, both partners need to discuss finances, goals, and budgets. Everyone has their say, and you create the budget together. Any goals should be mutual and benefit both partners.

Then you can decide the best account setup that builds trust and flexibility. Perhaps there need to be separate accounts – yours, mine, and ours. One income households may create a different account for spending. Therefore, the money set aside to pay bills will remain untouched.

Whichever situation allows for healthy boundaries between spouses and finances is the best option.

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Can I Have Micro Wedding for $5000?

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Can I Have Micro Wedding for $5000

I have a Pinterest page dedicated to my dream wedding, and I always assumed it would be small. It would be more cozy and economical, so it was a win-win. I even considered having a courthouse wedding. Then I caught wind of the micro wedding trend, and I realized I’d been planning one all along.

A micro wedding is just as the name implies. It is a smaller version of a regular wedding. It’s been compared to eloping, but it isn’t a secret and guests are invited. The number of guests and decor are all scaled down, saving time and money. The average wedding costs around $30,000, and I refuse to pay that much.

I have a huge family, so limiting attendance will save me a ton of money. One hundred person guest lists are the norm, but I can’t afford that. I once considered a destination wedding to limit my guest list for me. However, the travel costs would make it less affordable for everyone involved. My micro dream wedding has my immediate family and my five closest friends.

To include everyone else, I like the idea of streaming the wedding online. That can fetch about $2,500. Alternatively, feeding each guest can cost between $30 and $100. I can have a guest list of 100 with just my relatives, not to mention the groom’s side. My estimated cost just for food ranges from $3,000 to $10,000 for my guests alone. The savings are apparent, and everyone will get to see the ceremony.

To make sure everyone can participate in some of the fun, I want to have a potluck party versus a reception. The venue can cost almost half of the average wedding costs. If I go to the Justice of the Peace or borrow someone’s pretty backyard, I can save over $10,000. I can then use those funds toward a down payment on a house or for several trips, including my honeymoon. By having a potluck, I save on catering costs. I don’t like cake, so I save $350 to $450 there. My mother could probably feed 100 or more people with that budget alone. She did something similar for my sister’s reception.

Another way I plan to save money on my wedding, and my marriage, is avoiding the mined diamond ring. I played around on the Tiffany & Co. website to see what a two-carat engagement ring in my style would be valued. It came out to over $49,000. I went to Brilliant Earth and compared it to a similar ring with engineered stones, and it totaled slightly over $9,000. If I decrease the size or clarity, the ring price decreases even further.

Considering I don’t generally wear rings, I may go for something understated for my engagement ring and band. My husband-to-be can have whichever wedding band is his style and in our budget. If I have my way, the rings, ceremony, and reception will cost less than $5,000, and I will pay cash.

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Opinion: Don’t Wait To Talk About Finances Until After Marriage

Opinion: Don’t Wait To Talk About Finances Until After Marriage

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There is a post on Reddit that boggled my mind. A wife was concerned that her husband wanted to know about her finances. Maybe I’m assuming too much, but I thought couples discussed finances before marriage. If that’s not the norm, I believe it should be.

Let me start by admitting I am unmarried. Additionally, I regularly write about personal finance, so I probably talk about money more than the average adult. However, I don’t think I’m in the minority when I say you should know what you’re marrying into, financially included. Integrating lives with your partner involves combining your finances as well as the other aspects of life. It is not generally a comfortable conversation, but it is necessary.

Potential Finance Topics

If you’re not financially savvy or carry a large amount of debt, the thought can be daunting. If you are incredibly wealthy, you may want to keep that information away from a thief. However, if you’re seriously planning to get married or are already married, you can’t avoid talking numbers. Here are a few topics to consider: financial goals, net worth, credit score, assets, debt, retirement, and giving.

Money Issues Lead to Divorce?

Business Insider lists mismatched priorities as one of the main reasons couples divorce. Establish your baseline before discussing finances with your partner or spouse. You always need to know your financial position, such as your net worth and your goals. Encourage your partner to do the same. As you pay down debt or accrue more assets, update your net worth using a spreadsheet or an app like Personal Capital. Make sure you’re both agree on the direction your finances are heading.

Debt

If you are currently in debt or have a habit of getting into debt, your partner should know. Depending on the state, they may be responsible for any liability created while you’re married. Hiding that information can create more significant problems. A survey showed that money is about 25 percent of the reason for divorce. If the income is over six figures, then that number increases to 33 percent.

Giving

One topic I don’t see a lot when I read about relationships and money is giving. Do you already, or plan to, pay your parents or siblings’ expenses regularly? Are you active in your church and plan to give 10 percent of your income every two weeks? How does your significant feel about that? Have you discussed it? Giving can be a huge sacrifice that only some are willing to make. When it becomes a combined decision, compromise should occur.

One at a Time

Designate a time to sit and discuss your finances. Ensure you are in a quiet, relaxed environment conducive to thoughtful communication. You don’t have to address all of the topics at one time. Maybe you have a deep-dive of each one spread out over time.

Perhaps you wait to have this conversation until you’re engaged or in pre-marital counseling. Maybe you’re like me and ask about credit scores before your entree on the first date. Whenever you decide to have the conversation, it may help to do so before you’re legally bound to one another. If you want to protect yourself, a prenuptial agreement is always an option.

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Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Mix Business With Pleasure

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Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Mix Business With Pleasure

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Mixing business with pleasure is a term that’s used to describe business partners who are romantically involved with each other. Mixing business with pleasure usually involves dating a fellow professional, especially one you work closely with. This would include people in your department or in a department you’re associated with.

We’ll be looking at the major reasons why mixing business with pleasure is such a bad thing and the unique cases where they can actually work. First, we’ll consider the downsides:

It’s bad for business.

The primary reason why you shouldn’t date someone you work with is that it’s bad for business. It’s simply too distracting. You’ll never be able to get any work done because you’ll be too busy doting over each other. This is especially true if your relationship is new or you’re really in love with each other. This lack of focus can reduce productivity, and even slow down the entire business’ operations.

Besides derailing the vision of the organization, dating your co-worker can also encourage the behavior, especially if you’re in a position of authority. You essentially endorse the act and give your employees or subordinates the right to do the same. Once this happens, it’s only a matter of time before all the emotional heat snowballs into an avalanche of chaos (and probably lawsuits).

It’s bad for pleasure.

As counterintuitive as it may sound, mixing business with pleasure is also bad for pleasure. Dating your co-worker means you always take a piece of work home with you. Even if you have a good working relationship, you’ll have to set new ground rules for when you’re not in the office. It’s going to be even harder trying to keep the two of them (relationship life and professional life) separate because the office demands strict and professional relations while life at home demands more compassionate relations.

You can see that this topic can lead to some major problems, both for the organization and the individuals involved. But then, now, we’re going to look at the situations where mixing business with pleasure might actually work out.

You have high emotional intelligence.

Having high emotional intelligence means being able to keep a lid on your feelings, no matter how strongly you feel at the moment. With high emotional intelligence, you can compartmentalize your emotions and keep them from interfering with your work. That way, you can avoid all the pitfalls that come with dating a co-worker.

You work from home.

Working from home is great because you can set your own hours and make as much money as you want. It all depends on how much time and energy you put into it. It also means you can date your co-worker, or work with your partner (depends on how you want to look at it.) For example, imagine that you trade on Bitcoin future, and your partner could also be in the same business. It wouldn’t matter much since there isn’t that much professional interaction involved.

The job is a temporary assignment.

If you’re both working on a very temporary arrangement, then mixing business with pleasure may not be such a dangerous thing. Since you’ll both stop working together soon, it’s unlikely that your relationship is going to affect your work and vice versa.

More often than not, it’s better to put off dating until after you’ve completed your business because it’s very rare to keep romantic affairs from spilling into work relationships.

For more on relationships, consider reading these articles:

How A Polygamous Relationship Can Impact Your Finances

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Image Credit: Pexels.

How Money Issues Kill Marriage

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money issues in marriage

In 2017, based on data from the CDC, there were more than 787,000 divorces and annulments in the US during that year alone. One study that asked divorcing parents why their relationship ended saw 40 percent of the participants cite issues with how their spouse handled money as a major factor.

Money Issues in Marriage and Divorce

Disagreements about money or general economic stress can lead to increasing levels of conflict in a marriage. As a result, money issues can essentially kill the relationship. Which leads the couple to opt for a divorce. By understanding how money issues impact a marriage, you can take steps to address problems before they lead to a separation. Here’s a look at the most common financial problems people encounter in marriages and how you can handle the situations.

Issues of Expense Management

If both spouses earn an income, coming up with a reasonable way to split expenses can be challenging. At times, one spouse may feel that the arrangement isn’t fair, creating an air of resentment if they feel that they are shouldering more of the burden than is due.

For example, if a couple initially agrees to split household expenses down the middle, but one earns substantially less than the other, conflict can arise. The spouse with the lower income may believe that they are getting the worse end of the stick, as their spending power is limited by a larger degree.

In some cases, this can be mitigated by adjusting the allocations. Using a percentage-based approach may make it feel more equitable. However, this can also lead to issues if the higher earner perceives this option as a punishment for making more money.

Additionally, splitting income and expenses can make joint planning more difficult. It may be hard to determine how things should work if one spouse loses their job unexpectedly or wants to quit their position to pursue something else, whether that be a new career, more education, or starting a family.

Problems with Debt

Debt can be a contentious topic. Many adults bring financial baggage into a marriage since they likely have debts that they are bringing with them into the relationship. If one spouse has negative feelings about the other’s debt load, this can lead to conflict.

Similarly, disagreements about joint debt can harm a marriage. For example, if one spouse maxes out a credit card without the others knowledge, this can feel like a significant breach of trust. Further, if the rising debt total hinders other financial goals, resentment can build as one spouse makes it difficult for the other to feel financially secure.

Finally, large amounts of debt puts a strain on the household. This is true even in situations where both spouses believe the debt was necessary or unavoidable. Fear about a lack of financial well-being increases tension. A lack of liquidity can also harm the household’s quality of life, something that can breed frustration and lead to more stress.

Conflicting Money Management Personalities

In some cases, one spouse is a “spender” while the other is a “saver.” They have different money management personalities, impacting their priorities, and influencing their spending patterns in ways that don’t always make sense to their spouse.

Even if a couple is debt-free, conflicting viewpoints on money can cause strife. One may view the other as a cheapskate while the other sees the first as being irresponsible.

Addressing Money Issues Before Divorce

In many cases, the best way to prevent money issues from leading to a divorce is to talk about money frequently. Have in-depth discussions about debt, savings goals, spending patterns, and other aspects that may cause conflict.

By listening to each other and planning together, you can seek out a happy medium. You can align your priorities so that each spouse gets some of what they need, and everything feels fair.

Without money conversations, financial issues will quickly damage even the strongest of marriages. As a result, having a monthly or quarterly discuss is critical if you want to avoid divorce.

 

Have you had money issues in marriage before? Do you think financial problems led to your divorce? Tell us about your experience in the comments below.

 

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