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Enabling Self-Indulgent Adult Children Is Not Good Parenting

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About 10 years ago, a woman I know gave up a high paying job in Connecticut because she felt she could not handle the stress. She moved to rural Florida for a few years, lived with a guy she had met in high school in a house that her parents bought, and basically became substantially unemployable – not that she was looking for a real job. She held various low-level jobs until the economy started to slump.

Over the course of the past decade, she has broken off her relationship with her high school “friend” and grown increasingly dependent on her now 70-year-old parents. They started by paying for her home and then her health insurance. Finally, about six months ago, the parents sold the house and had their daughter move in with them. They now cover all of her insurance and living expenses, while she works to earn just enough money to go out with her friends.

 

The parents are not made of money. Indeed, the recent economic slump has made money a bit tight for them, as their investments have shrunk. Still, they do not stop paying for their daughter’s needs and many of her wants. (It is only recently that she gave up a $500 per month lease on a luxury car!) They even co-signed a loan for the daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s truck but, fortunately for them, he paid off the truck on his own.

When Did Children Stop Taking Care of Elderly Parents?

If we look back at history, the idea of elderly parents taking care of the financial needs of adult children is quite new. Until quite recently, just the opposite was true, and parents could hope for at least a modicum of support from grown children when the parents reached a certain age. Now, it seems that the number of adult children who are relying on parental support is growing by leaps and bounds.

Parents should not have to support adult children who are not disabled. Enabling self-indulgent and selfish behavior in adult children is not even good parenting. An adult who finds a better paying job will enjoy a higher standard of living. An adult who takes a pay cut will need to make sacrifices. Just because an adult wants to take a pay cut, however, should never mean that his or her parents should be the ones to make sacrifices.

Given our current economic climate, there is no justification for an adult child to live off of a parent’s largesse. Supporting an adult child is a very bad decision, especially if the parents do not know if they have sufficient funds to support the child for the rest of his or her life as well as themselves for the rest of their own lives.

If You Have Children, What Should You Do?

If you are a parent supporting an adult child, you cannot show junior to the door without a transition period, of course. Set up a plan so that you can wean your child off of your expense account. Give the child a period of time to find a job, to save some money and then to move out or to start paying their own rent. Offer emotional support and guidance, but cut off the ready flow of funds. Make being a dependant unpleasant, but don’t stop showing your love for the child.

Do you have any other advice for caring for adult children? Share it with us in the comments below!

Read More:

Parents Need to Learn How to Not Spoil Children
Parents: Teach Your Children about Money Because Schools Won’t
Should Parents Pay for Their Children’s College Education?

(Photo courtesy of Ludovic Bertron)

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  1. Are there any studies, census, or data of any sort to tell us what is actually going on? Aside from “it seems…” I’d be interested to know to what extent adult children get and/or expect their parents to help them financially.

    Reply

    • From my own experience I do not have children but I had parents and know that they said no when I needed help to pay my bills and no when I wanted to move back home. However, my boyfriend who I have lived with for 2 years has 2 adult children and 2 grandchildren living with us. They used to have jobs but as soon as I moved in 2 years ago they both quit their jobs. They sit at the computer once a week looking for jobs and the rest of the time they play. They do nothing for the household such as cleaning or mowing or taking out the trash. What I don’t understand is why my boyfriend has let this go on for so long. It has really put a strain on our relationship because they create drama and make us miserable and I have no control over any of it since they are not my children. My question is WHY DOES HE ALLOW THIS TO GO ON?

      Reply

      • Why do you put up with it? What’s your bottom line? Sounds like some type of codependent addiction. I was in a relationship with a mom who was still washing her 27 year old son’s underwear. he hadn’t worked a day in his life and mommy bought him a new car, iphone, ipad, imac, all his clothes, everything! to talk about was off limits. i finally realized that her not talking about it was her not paying attention to my needs. i finally left. They are still living together. Probably will live together their entire lives. So happy I’m rid of that!

        Reply

      • He isn’t able to set healthy boundaries. He thinks his/your unconditional giving to his adult children is helping but it is hurting. Have you thought of just staying at home and letting him take care of you. I bet that wouldn’t fly. Bet he would be able to confront you about his expectations for you. Parents are supposed to take care of children who can’t take care of themselves. They aren’t children anymore. They are supposed to be taking care of their own children. He hopes they will at some unknown time in the future transform into a responsible adults. Don’t hold your breath.

        Reply

        • Parents who financially take care of their adult children are robbing their children from becoming Happy, Proud, Productive, Self-Sufficient, Successful Adults. You are taking away their drive, their ambitions, their honor. The self esteem is destroyed! An old quote….”A man (now holds true for either gender) will only work if he has to…very often holds true. No one appreciates anything more than what they themselves earned. There is no better feeling than “I bought this, I did this, I accomplished this, I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of my children, I am living a good life, I am taking a great vacation that I paid for, I am driving a nice car that I paid for, etc…etc…etc… Parents…take care of them financially, pay for their stuff, bail them out financially because they are financially irresponsible…and because they don’t pay the consequences and hence never learn…You as a parent is taking all these wonderful feelings of pride from you adult children, and the only thing you did to help them become was a deadbeat. Shame on you for doing this to your children. You are destroying them from reaching their potential and you are keeping them from feeling good about themselves because you-the parent wants to feel good about yourself by telling yourself that you are helping them out. You are Not!

          Reply

          • Sally,

            The personal finance literature on this topic is pretty clear – if you give money to children who are financially irresponsible, it doesn’t do much to help them in the long run. It just facilitates the irresponsible behavior. This is pretty clear from Stanley and Danko’s work on the Millionaire Next Door. Check chapter 5 ‘Economic Outpatient Care’.

  3. The article you refer to doesn’t cite or link back to the actual study. I did a quick search of other Pew studies that touch on the topic and find that they consider an adult child age 18+. I’d be interested to know how many boomers have college-aged kids. Another thing, purely anecdotal like the example in your post, I know a few people who are receiving money from their parents and/or grandparents as a form of “living inheritence.” They parents/grandparents are choosing to give the money while they are living instead of giving it once they die. I’m guessing to avoid taxes and such. So I’d be curious to know how many people are doing that.

    All that being said, I agree with you that parents aren’t doing their grown children any favors by enabling their entitlement. I often wonder what would happen to these grown people once the parents die and/or have no money left to give. What would they do if their parents were in a state where they needed to the kids to step up and help with their care? On the other side of that, in my personal observation, I’ve seen a lot of parents that “need to be needed” so they swoop in and rescue their kid, whether or not they actually need saving. It just creates this giant clusternut where neither side will listen to reason. So you just have to watch from the sidelines, and possibly be prepared to financially rescue the both of them. Ain’t that a kick in the head?

    Reply

  4. Unbelievable. Yet the practice is so widespread. It is possible for parents to love their children without supporting them through money once they are adults. At a certain age, you just got to cut them off!

    Reply

  5. My dear roomie’s adult kids sucked her DRY of all her savings and left her drowning in debt.

    And she’s still paying for their cell phones.

    And the little I saw of how they spent money showed a lack of financial maturity that made me angry.

    Reply

  6. I don’t understand some grown up “kids.”

    I think it’s something that starts early, when some children learn to feel entitled. (As a matter of fact, you might be in danger of that yourself, David, with your oldest… according to a previous article or two.) Kids learn early that parents will either give them everything they want, whether or not they’ve “earned” whatever that is, or they learn that, if they want something, they have to work, get the money and pay for it themselves. It’s when people are young that they learn the basic “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

    This is not to say that parents shouldn’t ever help their grown kids out, but it should be in terms of a loan (to be repaid with interest) and/or have a time limit. I needed help one time and that’s exactly how things were set up… and, if the mail was slow and the check not received the day it was due, I most definitely received a call! LOL But I never expected my parents to just give me money.

    The really pathetic part is that this all too frequently happens with older people who really don’t have the means to support grown kids.

    Reply

  7. What a sad situation you describe. The well-meaning parents are enabling their daughter to be a deadbeat. Once the parents are gone, the daughter will no doubt go through the rest of their assets, assuming there is anything left. Then what?

    I have a friend with a 35 year-old son who lives with her. He pays no rent and has a low-paying job. My friend wants him to be “independent” so she plans to buy him a small condo with the equity from her home. She just doesn’t get it. No wonder the son can’t keep a girlfriend!

    Reply

  8. It’s extremely common in my circle. I mostly went to school with babied children of immigrants. They weren’t extremely well off but were handed Ivy LEague college educations. They so much wanted a better life for their kids. Most of them squandered it. I run into them and they still live at home. Most of them were serious about school but they got art and literature degrees. They live with mommy and daddy while they get real degrees in their late 20s. They work at Wal MArt.

    On the flip side of the coin, we have a lot of upper-middle-class clients. They have done well and handed their kids Ivy LEague college degrees. The same thing happened. I am literally preparing tax returns for kids older than me who work at Target and still live at home (I am 32). I hardly saw any of them pull down a wage more than $20k. It’s RAMPANT!

    In this culture my parents would be labeled barbarians because they expected me to be rather self-sufficient at 18. They didn’t kick me out at 18. They were extremely supportive. But it was clear I was expected to be completely on my own mid-way through college. Once college was done? That was it. They prepared me for this though and I have no issues. I KNOW I am better for it.

    I am still astounded at the people I run into today who still live with mom and dad. I ran into a college friend at a seminar recently (she had to be at least 30) and she was stunned to learn we had moved out of the area and kept pushing why we didn’t move back. I was like, “Uh, it’s INSANELY EXPENSIVE here???” I was confused by her confusion. She kind of just said, “Oh. I live with my parents.” Like she had no idea she lived in the most expensive region in the nation because she has no rent to pay. ??????? She just could not grasp why we possibly left the area, and were happy too. Thing is, this is most of my conversations with people from high school. “You are still going to school and working on a degree? Living with mom and dad? I have been out of school a decade, licensed for 8 years in my field, married for 9 years and I have 2 children. I haven’t lived with my parents in about 15 years!”
    My own personal experience couldn’t be more night and day. I wonder what the heck these parents are doing to their children.

    My parents are simply extremely practical. It’s really the only difference I See. They knew paying for the most expensive college they could find would not make me successful. I think a lot of their generation is learning this the hard way though. You don’t know how often people ask my parents how they got my sister and I to move out. Seriously. We both left the nest around 18. A HUGE factor? We weren’t given a free ride and we were raised to be extremely independent. We simply wanted out. OF course if I could have free rent and no rules for all of my 20s I would have stayed home! Who wouldn’t???

    Reply

    • Well I certainly see where “people” get their ideas from. While I sympathize with you, I take offence to the wild idea that people with “arts & literature” degrees are somewhat idle layabouts? Excuse me, I have a BA in English, always wanted to be a teacher so went back to school at age 32, after working retail jobs & office jobs, finding out I was way smarter than most of my bosses (I am the first one of my family to get a degree) but instead of teaching (bad pay & long hours) I work in accounting & inventory, making well over minimum wage, almost 70K last year, and I am WHITE WOMAN, so my great-grandparents were the immigrants, who worked hard for little money. I paid for all schooling myself & worked part time jobs to make due when I was a student. Now I am 53, still working full time + a part time job on the side. Where is the work ethic of my parents & myself that these young kids need to see? Most are lazy layabouts but some are good. Learned never to count on others, counted only on myself for years. Don’t let your kids run over you, make them get out there & do something, anything, volunteer (I did), get involved in the community. Life is hard, get on with it! Geez, so many parents unwilling to give them a push. DO IT! They will thank you for it!

      Reply

  9. When I moved to Tennessee for school…I borrowed a large amount of money from my father to pay for the first year, with the understanding that I was responsible for the rest of it. I ended up not staying in college there, and used the money I had borrowed to live on for a year or so until I got on my feet. It took me a few years, but even with his objection, I got him paid back. I could have taken advantage of his gift and just kept it all but I didn’t use it for it’s intended purpose so I felt obligated to pay him back.

    Reply

  10. I know a woman who is almost 40 and living with her parents. The woman does not realize it but her siblings spend most of their time trying to figure out ways to get their parents to throw the woman out of the house without risking having the woman show up on their doorsteps. They have tried to help her to get a job — even tried to set her up on dates with successful businessmen — but she prefers to stay in her parents’ condo with her cats. I don’t think she realizes that her parents cannot live forever.

    I know another woman in her 70’s who lived with her mother until her mother passed away. She always worked but it was still a bad relationship. When her mother passed away (at 88!), the woman lost her mind for a bit, became very angry, and then married the first guy who spoke to her even though he was a bit of a loser (but to his credit, he has stood by her for the past 20 years even though the woman has gained over 200 pounds).

    It is just not healthy for adults to live with other adult family members — other than their spouses.

    Reply

    • Oh…she not only relizes it, she depends on it. When they pass, the self sufficient children will get minimal and the sad lonely daughter will get everything. She may never have to work another day in her life. So sad, but true.

      Reply

  11. I live with my parents, but I pay them some rent, am licensed in my field, and have a well paying job. My parents benefit from me being here financially as well as in practical ways (such as I can help out with work around the house or give them a ride (in a car that I paid for) when their car needs to go into the shop.) I also have lived completely on my own for years before moving in back in with them.

    I don’t think that living with parents in one’s twenties is a bad thing – that’s a completely separate issue from learning to be self sufficient. I know many friends who are “making it on their own” but who owe $ks for school, $ks for their car loan, and at least $10k or more on credit cards (common in large cities.) I also know people who shared living expenses with parents until they could afford to live debt free (or with only a mortgage) after moving out. This is a very responsible thing to do, and ultimately enables one to financially care for parents (if it’s needed) as the parents grow older and need help.

    I completely understand all of the objections to deadbeat children who can’t earn a living and have no desire to. That, however, does not directly correspond to whether or not someone lives in the same household as their parents, especially when you are talking about people in my generation.

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  12. Don’t forget that for much of history, parents and children and grandchildren living together was NORMAL. The difference was that the children were usually that ones doing the supporting, or at least it was a healthy relationship where everyone contributed to the household.

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    • What have I done,my 25 yr old son has totally devastated & broken our mother and offspring bond. On 4/1/15 after 27 yrs his dad & I divorced. Suddenly he died @ only 52 in his sleep terribly our son was the one who found him. What a horific memory embedded forever in his mind.I’ve tried reaching out to no avail. The community property we owned is to be sold & split 50 / 50 as per decree. Within days I’ve lost two people that I love dearly & unconditionally, never thinking either would not be a part of my life. My son has turned very disrespectful,cold,rude and demanding of his dad’s 50% & has moved into the house I’m selling without asking me,has decided that he will handle the sale of our home. He’s not on the deed / title nor did his dad leave a will. He’s taken $$ out of an account used for over 7 yrs specifically for mortgage payments nothing else. Adding salt to the wounds has threatened to have me arrested if I go to my house to finish up what’s left before an open house. His father used to refer to our son as ” our little Frankenstein, we raised him & only have ourselves to blame” His dad wouldn’t let him live there when he was alive & I am torn between “let him mourn, keep disrespecting me, over stepping his bounds or have him paid a visit from deputy to let him know that he’s not going to stay & ask him to leave as I’ve asked. I’m trying to sell & it’s been empty for 4.5 yrs. Im assuming that I’m a cruel selfish bitch, no, I’m a mother enabling a self-indulgent adult child & his payback is pure d hell ……

      Reply

  13. This is actually something that was discussed in great depth in the book, “The Millionaire Next Door”. The grown-ups are receiving what’s called Economic Outpatient Care. The parents are enabling them to become dependent and studies have shown that grown-ups who receive this kind of support end up being on the lower end of the scale of wealth creation. Additionally this type of behavior is extremely detrimental to them when something does happen to the parent such as them not being able to support their grown child anymore or death.

    Reply

  14. My DH is Japanese, and in Japan, it is common for 3 generations to live in one house. It makes more sense economically…only one mortgage has to be paid, instead of 3. Although DH never lived with his grandparents, and he left his parent’s home at college, he wants our daughter and our future grandkids to live with us. He thinks it will give them a good financial head start. I think it’s great…my parents couldn’t wait to kick me out when I went to college!

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  15. I do not have any respect for capable adult children who essentially bleed their parents dry – but the parents who allow them to do so play their own part in all of this. As adults, these children are certainly capable of comprehending the harm they are doing to their parents and the blame is clearly theirs for asking and taking assistance they do not or should not need.

    However, it seems like few people want to speak frankly about the parents’ role in these situations. Aside from those criminal cases where the children actually steal from the parents (pawnable items, identity theft, etc), it is also the parents’ fault for indulging their children. The parents keep saying yes, they keep falling for the sob stories and the manipulation – they keep on giving when they should start practicing a tougher kind of love. They are doing NO favors for their children or for themselves by keeping the Bank of Mom & Dad open.

    The adult children have had plenty of interaction in the real world to see how other, functional adults behave and deserve the lion’s share of the blame – but don’t let the parents who could have said no off the hook either.

    This is a very personal topic for me after seeing both my grandparents never prosecute a son who has repeatedly stolen my grandfathers identity to run up bills and my parents who continue to “help” one of my sisters who won’t learn financial responsibility. It is frustrating to watch and saddens me because I’ve seen how their relationships have suffered.

    Reply

  16. I know an older couple who are trying to disentangle themselves from a dependent adult child (over 40!!). The older couple has spent over $50,000 supoorting their daughter after she made a series of costly mistakes (primarily due to getting involved with an irresponsible man). The daughter (and her dysfunctional pets) are now living with the couple and making their life miserable. They won’t force her to leave because she seems to have emotional problems, but at least they are no longer paying her bills anymore (other than her housing costs).

    Can you offer any advice to this couple. What do you do with an emotionally unstable person who cannot support herself?

    Reply

  17. Persephone –

    Does the daughter work? If she does, then I would suggest that her parents suggest she look into any EPA programs that might be available to get some help with the costs of counseling. Even if her emotional instability is not something clinical like depression or manic/depressive disorder, counseling could be the ticket she needs to get her feet under her. It’s never too late to get help.

    Maybe the parents can try to find local support groups that can help them with suggestions and support with their situation. Even if the daughter/parents cannot afford for the daughter to go to counseling, perhaps the daughter can also find some kind of support group for her specific issues.

    One of the first things I would do in their situation is to either be very honest with myself or get outside help to determine if the daughter is really incapable of helping herself. Literally incapable.

    From there, it can be helpful to formulate a plan with a timeline. Something fair, but with a definite end date so that everyone is on the same page.

    If the daughter is truly incapable of taking care of herself then they might just have to resign themselves to taking care of her and doing their best to leave a trust for her care after they are gone. Or, she may just have to go on public assistance.

    Reply

  18. Jackie — Thank you so much for your sound advice. I’m going to forward your comment to the couple having the difficulties with their daughter.

    Also, can you tell me what the EPA is?

    Reply

  19. Persephone –

    Ooops, sorry I had a typo.

    EPA should have been EAP – Employee Assistance Program. Most of these programs have a lot of different services that they offer in conjunction with or in addition to their standard health insurance. My company’s program has a number that we can call to find a mental health professional or to find a lawyer. If you’re calling for legal advice, many programs even have an option where initial legal consultation is free or discounted. If her work has an EAP program, for mental health it may work in conjunction with their insurance to provide a certain number of subsidized visits for therapy/counseling.

    It’s definitely worth looking in to.

    Reply

  20. Jackie — Thanks again for the tip. I’ve passed your suggestion along to the daughter’s parents. I hope this works for them!

    Reply

  21. my kids are all over 18 and wont work and dont wont to follow the house rules. im so stresses out . they so sorry mom andbreak the rules over and over. NEED ADVICE ASAP

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    • Over 18, rules are hard to enforce. Lifestyle is easy to enforce. I set clear expectations. In 30 days they had to have a job. They would give me their paycheck and get a $20 a week allowance (out of my pocket). They took the public bus to work and I would pay the $55 bus pass fee. After 90 days we open a bank account and deposit their checks (roughly $2,800). I matched the dollar amount and we bought a car. The same deal applied for the next 90 days. I got their checks, they got $20 a week for fun money, $20 for gas and $20 for their “pay-as-you-go” phone, deoterant, toilet paper and their other “needs”. After 210 days they had a car and enough money to pay first month rent and security deposit. I HEAR YOU SAYING…My kid would never get a job. I’ve threatened before. Within the job seeking 30 days I took the cable boxes, phone, internet cable and laptop to work with me. I only bought frozen food. They actually had to cook. Not ven frozen dinners. I meant business. If you didn’t remember to thaw it, your having the salad. I didn’t buy junk food, soda, or anything else for them. Not deodarant, razors, laundry detergent, clothes, lipstick, NOTHING. I would come home with McDonalds and eat in front of them. With every comment the response was “that costs money”. I love you but you need to learn how to buy it yourself. It’s tough love. You don’t have to mean or cruel in anyway. You just have to make them want to move, want to eat McDonalds, want a new shirt, want to go to the movies, want to have independence. Children who are “provided for” don’t want anything because it’s provided. It’s human nature to want. Use that to your advantage. 🙂 I wish you luck!

      Reply

      • You had me until you matched the dollar amount and we bought a car. You are no better than the rest of these wimpy parents; just more self rigteous and hyp·o·crit·i·cal. Pat yourself on the back, you are fooling only yourself.

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      • I am on the same page with you…except the matching dollar for dollar. But if you have the money, it is incentive for the child/adult to see how saving, budgeting and planning can pay off.

        Ive been hoping my boyfriend would do exactly the same for his 23 year old son. But no. On the other hand, I do hold my 18 year old to the same expectations you put forth. I dont buy any of his personal things, nor extra food “goodies”. Like you, i will treat myself to a good take out meal, but not the grown kids. I work hard and most of my earnings go to putting a roof over their head. So I am entitled to treat myself, with my money. I will not be obligated to treat them just because they’re “mooching” here. Its like rewarding them for living here. Like you, I provide only the very basics. I realize if i give them everything, what is their motivation for moving on?

        Problem is, my 18 year old understands this, but my boyfriend’s 23 year old doesn’t because his parents were lazy in setting rules and boundaries when he was young. My boyfriend and his son sometimes think Im insensitive. Isnt it enough that they have free housing and utilities? Why should I share my goodies and vacations too? Afterall, i sacrifice many luxuries because my earnings are being spent on their food and housing. If they were on their own, I could be in a smaller, cheaper home and really be living it up! I am more tolerant with my son, not because he’s “mine”, but because he just turned 18 and is showing motivation. My stepson, however has been an adult for over 5 years and still shows no motivation. So it appears that im favoring my son sometimes, but you can bet that I will not be supporting him at 23 years old.

        I love my boyfriend and his son, but I know we are doing him NO favors by allowing this to continue. It is in his own best interest to become independent. He knows our budget is limited, mainly due to his dependence but he doesn’t care.

        Reply

  22. Renee — If the children are living in your home, you still make the rules no matter how old they may be. If they are not willing to follow the rules, you need to be strong enough to make them leave. Stop giving them money. Stop feeding them. Make them see what it takes to survive on their own.

    If you have trouble doing this, I suggest you seek out a therapist who can help you through this process. If you are employed, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP, as Jackie has already noted) which you should call for help.

    Good luck! (And I hope my other readers will also offer their advice as well.)

    Reply

  23. Renee — Even if it does not immediately solve your problem, you should seek professional counseling to help you to deal with it. Based on your rather brief note, you seem overwhelmed, a good therapist can help you to feel better about yourself and the steps that you are taking to resolve your problems with your kids.

    Good luck!

    Reply

  24. Renee, it’s time for some tough love in addition to the counseling!

    First, you have to set up rules and consequences and timelines AND STICK TO THEM.

    I don’t know exactly what you’re doing, but you have to be making things pretty easy or they’d want to leave. You’ve got to be giving them money, so that’s the first thing you have to stop doing… just be sure that you have someplace to lock away your wallet! If they want money for anything, it’s about time that they worked for it.

    You’ve got to tell them that the free lunch is over with. They’re grownups and it’s time for them to get on with their lives. You love them, but that loving includes believing that it’s time for them to grow up. You can’t afford to keep paying their way — fiscally or emotionally!

    Set up some more basic “rules for living”. They do their own laundry, they help to make dinners, they do their own cleaning, etc. Plus, they have to help with general area cleaning, wash their own dishes, help with yardwork, wash your car, and don’t give them any money for anything.

    Finally, sit them all down and tell them that in four or six months they all have to have jobs and be out of your house. If they haven’t moved out by then, have the locks changed when they’re out of the house and don’t give any of them keys. Tell them that you’re going to do this and that, if they’re stupid enough to try to break into your house (after it’s done), you WILL call the cops and press charges.

    Write everything down and make sure there are consequences to everything they don’t do! (It’s their tough luck if they don’t have any clean underwear, NOT your responsibility.) If they don’t help to fix the dinner and clean up afterwards, they don’t get anything to eat. If they don’t help to clean the livingroom and keep it clean, they can’t watch your tv or use your computer. Post the written rules and consequences prominently and stick to what you say!

    Have a feeling that you and yours really need some family counseling, so I’d check with local groups — civic, religious, anyone and everyone. You’re probably going to need some help developing a backbone.

    Good luck!

    Reply

  25. What is in a young adult’s head that makes them feel this sense of entitlement. My two kids were raised in the same household…..one is self sufficient and driven – the other has a sense of entitlement. Lack of goals or sense of mission to me is the issue. If your child is lost in life – it is very hard not to try to be supportive – even when it hurts. No one helps their kids beyond reasonableness to hurt them – they believe they are helping. The adult children lie, misuse funds – but the parents holds onto hope that “this time” they will make it – like you did when they were learning to walk.
    They don’t have to be on the couch to be draining you dry. In some ways – you have to be ready for them to do something negative or drastic if you cut them off. Cutting them off could lead to suicide, cutting you off of communication, separating from the family. That is hard to deal with as a parent.
    I’m not making excuses – but people make this sound simple — “just make a plan and cut them off”. For parents who are doing this – it is about guilt (I’m one)………and loss. I lost a brother to alcohol. I don’t want to lose a son. I know it is intertwined —
    But – when does the kid “get” that they are loved and have support and need to utilize it well????
    Nothing easy about this from a parent perspective.

    Reply

  26. I am a parent of two adult children. I help my oldest with child care because he is a single dad of two childrenn now ages 6 and 4. They were three and 18 months when their mother decided she wanted a divorce.

    He resents that he needs my help. (he can afford to hire someone but the children already have a nanny) and he knows that i adore the children and they adore me. He does not say that he resents me but actions speak louder than words. he withholds gratitude, affection, dinner when i babysit, no christmas present for me (even though he earns seven figures)

    I finacially contribute to the support my 34 year old son. He also does not seem to like me too much. i am angry alot about the way they treat me but i do not do anything about it. I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep giving money, time, whatever I have waiting and wanting them to love me.

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  27. I have two adult step-sons whose mom died when they were very young. I came into their lives when they were 5 and 8, now they are 19 and 23. We have definitely had our share of struggles with them.

    The 23 year old got through college in 3.5 years with very good grades. When he graduated however, he didn’t want to get a job and started drinking. he came home drunk one night and my dh said “the next time you do that you can find another place to live. Several months later we were called by his friends to pick him up at a party because he drank a quart of vodka. We told him we loved him and were very concerned about him. We gave him two options. Either get help or move out. He chose not to get help and after a couple agonizing months moved out.

    During those months he was very angry and would barely speak to us. After he moved out, he didn’t call for several weeks. Slowly he came around, and is now working oversees with a volunteer organization. We are sure that if we did not “kick him out” he wouldn’t be as confident and successful as he is now.

    We’ve always encouraged our kids to have as much independence as possible at each stage of their lives. I see so many of my friends enabling their children at younger ages and then I watch them become overly dependent adults. It’s sad to see our generation stifling the next by not requiring them to be fully independent, responsible adults. Imagine the gifts, talents, and contributions that are being wasted by our enabling behavior.

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  28. My 22 year-old daughter is a Junior in college and is fortunate to have an educational trust fund to pay for her tuition, books, and a car. She has always had a lot expected of her ( good grades, 7 years of violin lessons, working while going to school, sports, staying out of trouble) but in return received many things such as a nice car, clothes, expensive beauty products, designer handbags and shoes, etc. This arrangement worked fine until she became involved with drugs and alcohol. She has been in rehab once, but has relapsed a few times. Her latest boyfriend seemed like a nice guy at first but the longer I knew him, the less I liked him. He has also been to rehab. He became increasingly inconsiderate, verbally disrespectful to me and tried numerous times to get money out of me through my daughter. The more I tried to help the less respect I got, until I found out my daughter was lying to me and had pawned my late mother’s earrings for money. I got them back, but that was the last straw. I told her to leave, and after a blistering attack from her stating that, “You have no daughter” and ” You have ruined my life”, she left and is living with his parents. She recently got a summer job and a small loan and I will not contribute another cent to her support. I feel outraged and sad when I read other stories of well-meaning parents being taken advantage of, and disrepected. I have my home back,and my peace of mind. I know now that I was being manipulated. There are so many deserving children in the world that need help and would use this level of devotion to make a life for themselves.

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  29. I also have 2 adult children, one who is self suffiecient and the other who has been a complete pain/drain. If she is homeless I would allow her to stay in my home temporarily but refuse to give her any cash or pay her bills. She will steal anything that is not on lockdown and I told her that I can no longer have her in my home, because I cannot trust her. Now I have found out that she is in jail. I do not know why she was arrested but probably from stealing from someone else besides me. I’ve repeatedly told her to grow up and get a job, or if she would get an education I would help her some, but she refuses to keep a job for any length of time. As much as I love her I feel no remorse for not helping her. She was certainly raised better than that and the audacity that she thinks that its my obligation to support her and I don’t need near what I earn completely outrages me. I work hard and in this economy, despite earning a good salary I do struggle a bit.

    Longing for an adult child to act like an adult and live my life without her ‘drama’.

    Reply

  30. We sent our child to college and law school. The financial cost was astronomical.

    We were rewarded with having to send our child to a 30 day alcohol rehab center 2 times after he graduated and we discovered he was an alcoholic. That didn’t solve the problem, so we sent him to a half-way house in another state and then to a sober living village.

    His girlfriend recently threw him out and he came back home to get a job. He is working and living at home, but using one of our vehicles. Now, we have discovered that he is drinking again.

    We have told him to start looking for an apartment close to his job and that we can’t help him anymore and will take our car back as soon as he is moved. The problem is that there are no apartments, etc. for him to move into.

    I keep looking, but there just isn’t anything.

    Eventually, he will probably lose this job, which may have been his last opportunity to turn his life around.

    We could have saved a million dollars if he hadn’t wasted it on this ungrateful, deceitful human being.

    We love our son and pray for his recovery, but we just can’t take it any more.

    We really don’t think he will ever grow up, or that he even wants to….

    This problem seems epidemic…

    Reply

  31. I finally wised up after financially supporting my 27 year old daughter. She has never held a job for more than a few months and I have always bailed her out, also her 26 year old sister to a lesser degree. When they were young, I went through a divorce and I guess I always felt the need to make it up to them. They stole from me as children and teenagers which should have been a lesson to me but it wasn’t. I was a good Mom but always had to work; however, they always had child care or spent two weeks out of every month with their Father, who also did a good job. Even more stupid was that I sent my older daughter money when she ran off and got married as she was still in college (that her Dad and I paid for) and her new husband wanted her to get a part time job. I knew if she did this, she wouldn’t graduate college (according to her). I feel used and abused. Now that I’m in my early 50’s, my husband and I want to retire in a few years and I finally realized this drain on our finances has got to stop. Looking back, I have sent my daughter upwards of $50,000 dollars through the years, not including college. I’m done with this now. God give me strength.

    Reply

  32. how do you kick out an adult child who has a baby and STUPID us we let the boyfriend come as well- WE MOVED due to a work situation, they are in the house still and they pay us rent (the mortgage) but not always ANd the house is not being maintained- THIS IS ALL WE HAVE-HELP! what would you do?????????????

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  33. My father is elderly and with many handicaps…I am an RN and have tried to get him into assisted living situation, have set up some home-care, etc.
    However now a sister, who has been alwasy enabled by my father, found out her rent would be increased and can’t afford the amount. She now wants to move in with my Dad under the pretense that she will be helping him. She started by telling him he needed to put some of his furniture in storage, so she could move in.
    My Dad has co-signed on mortgages, cars for this sibling along with loaning thousands of dollars that she doesn’t consider repaying. Her last payment for from her divorce settlement, she used for unnecessary plastic surgery.
    I think my Dad’s refusal this time to enable was a sign that he has some of his mind working….and can see what would come ahead. My sibling has a skill, but is unable to apply for rent, since she only makes on the books 150.00/wk. I was shocked at this.
    This all ammazes me since she is 56 yr. old. Although I worry about my Dad’s well being, I think this sibling would bleed him
    dry, after reading some of the other comments. Any comments would be appreciated…thanks. H.S.

    Reply

  34. Barbara,
    Your story is so very much like mine except I have three kids.

    “My two kids were raised in the same household

    Reply

  35. I am 63 and my husband is 64. I recently retired with a small pension and social security. My husband still works and will probably continue to do so for two more years. Nonetheless, we are on a tight budget and have to pay huge health insurance premiums. There is no money to spare.

    Our 47 year son drinks heavily, lost his license due to DUI’s, and although he does have a well-paying job (for now anyway) he has to skateboard to work. Prior to the most recent DUI, we GAVE him an older truck in perfect condition. Then he sold it to a friend. He told us about it later. We certainly could have sold it ourselves rather than giving it to him. The money would have come in very handy, believe me. He uses all of his money for recording music CD’s and alcohol and rents a room from a friend.

    It is easier for him to stay with us once or twice a week, and then my husband has to drive him to work.

    We acquired a second home in the mountains 16 years ago and our dream was that it would become our romantic getaway once we retired. We go to the mountains to our cabin most weekends, and he ALWAYS expects to come along. We have to pick him up, provide food and accommodate his schedule. We do not have the privacy we longed for. He never brings any food at all, only alcohol, and the alcohol is for him. We drink an occasional glass of wine and he has never bought a single bottle of wine for us. Nor has he ever offered to pay one cent for gasoline, which is very expensive. My husband and I do all the cooking. We don’t go out to dinner any more because we really can’t afford to pay for three restaurant meals.

    He has begun asking if he can bring some of his friends up to our cabin when we’re not using it! I am ready to have the “tough love” talk with him. My husband refuses. My husband actually calls him during the week to ask what time he (my son) wants to be picked up for the trip to the mountains. This is causing some conflict between me and my husband. I have been in the work force 42 years and now I can’t have the retirement I want. My husband doesn’t have the courage to say no to my son. If I tell my son we want to be alone for a weekend, both he and my husband will be angry with me. I’m stuck.

    Of course I am worried about my son’s alcoholism. I do not think he will ever drive again because he has to have an interlock device on his car for an entire year, and he has no car! As we get older and older, I wonder if we will ever have any privacy or peace from this almost 50 year old man who relies on us for his entertainment. Does anyone have any ideas that won’t cause a huge rift between me and my husband?

    Reply

    • Tough love for both hubby and son sounds like what is called for. What most people have to remember is this: You teach others how to treat you.

      Decide your boundaries in all relationships, discuss them with all who are or may be affected by them, and stick to them. Your loved ones may not like it, but they will respect you for it. If not now, eventually.

      Sometimes “huge rifts” are needed to bring people together. Conflict is a normal part of life in relationships, hopefully you will handle this conflict well.

      Reply

  36. I empathize with so many people writing on this blog which is still generating comments one year after the original post.

    Really, though, each situation deserves consideration on its own merit and not a pre-fabbed set of rules with one size fits all specs.

    For instance, the woman who wrote in Aug. of this year has a son who has a sense of entitlement. She doesn’t say if he has a substance abuse problem or other addiction, but I suspect he does based on her comment about not wanting him to suffer the same fate as her alcoholic brother should she send him out on his own.

    To that I say trust your inner voice. If you feel you could realistically live with yourself if something dire should occur once you cut off your son and send him to live independently, then by all means try the “tough love” route; on the other hand, let’s face it: many parents do take the Shape up or ship out path and lose a child in the process, particularly if the child is an addict. If the thought of that possibility sends you into a cold sweat and has you pondering suicide, then don’t do it. Not yet, anyway. That’s my advice (as someone who lived with a similar situation, didn’t kick him to the curb, and can now say that with the help of N.A. and a good support system at HOME he is almost 2 years clean and sober. God is good.)

    Reply

  37. I met my husband 3 and 1/2 years ago and have now been married for 1 and 1/2 years.
    I have 2 girls (ages 15 and 23).
    I am the custodial parent of my youngest daughter, who sees her father 2x a year for a week at a time.
    My oldest will be graduating in the spring with a degree in Special Education.
    My husband has 2 boys (ages 18 and 21).
    He had joint custody of his sons, who lived with their mother approximately and hour from us. Neither of them have completed high school.
    The oldest has had dozens of odd jobs but doesn’t stick with one for very long and he has lots of extracurricular activites. My husband continues to pay for his cell phone, car insurance, car repairs, and some medical expenses (some of his activities have caused injury) etc. and justifies it all by guilt, plus the fact his son tells him what he wants to hear. He has been saying he is going to get his GED, he is going to do this or he is doing that. What I found is this boy just plan lies!
    The youngest son never finished high school because he is sick all the time with stress or at least that is what is said. He stays up all night playing video games, on facebook/myspace and his diet is pop and chips. He doesn’t drive because he has no license and has therefore never held a job.
    It is now to the point where we only see them when they want something.
    I have voiced my opinions and frankly can not see myself remaining in a relationship where, I feel, he is enabling his boys behavior by giving, giving, giving.

    Reply

  38. Go to Austin TX. It seems like almost all the guys there are dependent on mommy and daddy. No one there can stand on their own feet.

    The try to pass this off as ” I love my parents” ..well no kidding…who wouldnt when you get everything paid for.

    They just hold mediocre jobs (enough to suport their drug habits and going out on weekend habits)

    Austin TX is the MECCA for adult children….very annoying population.

    Reply

  39. Our son is 27 and living with us. His wife lives with her parents. He does the bare minimum to get by. He has major plans but bigger excuses. I have tried desperately to get my wife to stop enabling but it isn’t working. When he was 21, he nearly caused us to divorce when he was pawning things from our house for his pot and beer money. He joined the Navy which helped him grow, until he married a young girl who was lazier than him. Somehow I’m labled the bad father for not encouraging him enough. I’ve tried to change this situation and it appears that divorce is the only way out. He is now working 12 hours a week for beer, cigarette and fast food money. Three years ago, my wife and I lost our jobs and most of our retirement. We are doing quite well for now and desperately need to rebuild our retirement. There’s nothing I can do to get my wife to change… she says it’s her duty to take care of her son.

    I’m not really adding much here except an example of how bad it can get.

    Reply

  40. DB – Divorce is not the answer. That would be running away from your responsibility to your wife as a reaction to your son running away from his responsibilities. Your son needs a better example right now. Have you tried praying and seeking wisdom from the Bible about your situation? What about consulting a lawyer about other options?

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  41. DB – Wow, I could be your wife. My husband would say the exact same thing about me. Clearly that I’m here on this thread tells you that I’m finally starting to hear what he is saying.

    Our son, mine from a previous relationship, is almost 23 and just moved out for the fourth time. The first time he left was when he had a fit over rules and walked out at 17. That there should have been my first clue that this was not going to be fun.

    Anyway, it’s been what I call “revolving door” parenting for the last 5 years and I’m finally as fed up as Hubby was 4 1/2 years ago. Though divorce hasn’t quite come up there have been some very heated discussions about how I keep giving into my son out of a sense of obligation and, as others have mentioned, guilt. I understand where your wife is coming from.

    What I’m beginning to understand though, is that my “duty” ended when HE decided that he was better off out in the world than under my roof. I’m realizing that I have been refusing to let him suffer the natural consequences of that choice. For 5 years I have been padding the ground so he doesn’t doesn’t feel reality hitting his ass.

    I can see now that I wasn’t doing either of us, but mostly him, any favours. At 23, it’s about time him and the “real” world get to know each other.

    Thank you, David, for this article and to everyone who has commented, it’s been very insightful and somewhat of a comfort to know I’m not the only one who is dealing with this issue.

    Reply

  42. We are in a situation where our daughter has cut us off from her (AND the kids). It’s very, very hurtful. We have done everything humanly possible to help her all her life, and yes we were too indulgent of her. She is so selfish right now and we don’t really know what (if anything) to do.

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  43. My 24 yr old stepdaughter and her 5 yr old son are currently living with us. My stepdaughter was a great student and kid till about her 10th grade yr of high school. At that point she decided she was tired of being good and meeting others expectations, she she quit. She began hanging out with people who were like minded, smoking pot, having sex and blowing hundreds of dollars a month at Starbucks. We took her to counseling and offered to get her on birth control but she refused. Two weeks after she was offered a full ride theater scholarship to a jr. college, she found out she was pregnant. We told her if she kept the baby it was hers to raise, as we had a child in daycare. She was told she could live at our house and go to school, but had to work enough to pay for childcare and the added expense of a baby. She didn’t want to live by our rules so she moved out. Since then, every year or so we have to bail her out of major financial problems because buying expensive cell phones, cameras, computers and partying are her priorities, rather than being responsible. About 2 years ago she moved to a larger town. She was told that we could not bail her out anymore because we didn’t have the money, but if she needed a roof over her head, we were there. Well, a year into it she called and said she “lost her job” (there’s always a story that doesn’t seem just right) and needed to move home. She decided she wanted to go back to school and needed help with the baby (now 5). So, we made room for them in our small home. She gave us this line of BS that she’d help with expenses etc. Well, she has done nothing but cause my husband and me so much stress and frustration since she moved in. She is in school and she works part time, however, she doesn’t pay her childcare and gets notices all the time about it. She qualifies for state assistance on child care but is too lazy to do the paperwork to get the assistance. The same with insurance on teh baby. She gets insurance through us – however she won’t do what’s required to give her own son insurance. Her cell phone and skyping in the computer are much more important than spending time with her own son. I am so ready for her to be out of my house. She lies to her father and tells him what he wants to hear – but never changes. He can’t seem to find it in himself to give her tough love…………..and that will eventually cause a lot of problems between us because I am so tired of her. She is only concerned with herself – and that’s it. We wish she’d leave and give us the baby – but she’s even too selfish for that. I think my hubby is afraid if we dish out tough love – she will run with the grandbaby and we won’t see him again. I dunno – it’s a really hard place to be in!

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  44. I’ve looked at most of these and don’t see my problem. My problem is my 42 year old son who has been in and out of trouble since he was 17 – mostly to do with drinking. He lost his license when he was 20 years old and never paid the $1,000 fine to get it back. Since then he has been caught driving without license, no insurance, various minor traffic problems, but the fines keep adding up and now 20 years later he owes $2900. I am now retired and had a budget for myself and 5 years ago he showed up at my door again not having anyplace to go. I let him in, much to the chagrin of my other two sons – who have their own homes and work – and now he won’t leave. This one has never held a real job with a paycheck for more than a couple of months – he earns enough doing handyman jobs to buy his beer and cigarettes. he cuts my grass once a week. He says I have to evict him to get him to leave – that he is a resident in my home and gets his mail here. Turns out he’s right, according to the courts here. I have to file eviction – even though he contributes nothing and pays no rent! I can’t lock him out because this is his legal residence. Can you believe it??? If I lock him out and he comes through a window, the police won’t do anything because this is his residence! I can’t even claim this freeloader on income tax even though I’ve been supporting him for five years. Does anybody else have this kind of problem? Would sure make me feel better. I now have to pay to file eviction and have to give him a reasonable time (couple of weeks) to find somethig else. He has no regular income and nowhere to go, but I no longer care. He can go to a shelter or move south where if he has to be homeless, at least he’ll be warm.

    Reply

  45. As an addendum – he comes home drunk 2-3 times a week and we have horrible verbal arguments. He calls me names, I call him names – the last time this happened I called the cops on him and they took him to jail, but only because I knew there was a bench warrant out for his arrest for not showing up for a court date. He was in for a couple of months and they wouldn’t let him out unless he had a place to go . . . so guess what? Stupid me let him come back and now it’s the same thing all over. I guess I have to grow a backbone and just evict him. These were supposed to be my golden years and I’ve been miserable for 5 years, not to mention supporting two people. I guess I know what I have to do – wonder if anybody else is in this situation. thank you.

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  46. My son is 27 years old. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.
    So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family’s money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.
    Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn’s disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, “you owe me” attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.
    Don’t misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to “make things very easy” for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).
    He is not always that sick that he can’t function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.
    So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated “hoping for a family injection”.
    He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.
    I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don’t appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much – maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

    He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner “out of love”. These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).
    So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister’s failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son’s expenses – so I don’t have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.
    The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else’s investment but his own (referring to the family’s money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).
    Anybody having sound advice? I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).
    I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.

    Reply

  47. My husband has been giving his oldest daughter (my step) monoey for the past 4 yrs to the tune of $80K. He will not admit her failures in jobs, relationships. She feels entitled.I wnt this to stop, He says she will be homeless.What do I do?

    Reply

    • has to decide who is more importan in his life an make the hard choise,to better her he needs to maker her a women not a kid sorry for my spelling.

      Reply

  48. Oh, BTW: she is 46 yrs, old.No job, no plans for one, won’t admit changing jobs is a good idea. She has depleted our joint CD, diminished our savings, and keeps on asking for money saying “this time it will work”. She also has anxiety issues. I told her to seek counseling. I become the bad step mother…. I can’t handle this anymore.

    Reply

    • If you are dealing with a step child even if they are over 40 your spouse will not take your side. Cut your losses and get out if you can!

      Reply

  49. I have had it with my 24 yr old son. He finds money to drink and smoke weed. He borrows money that he never pays back. Throws tantrums when he does not get his way, I live off of a $715.00 disability check that supports me and my lazy 19 yr with 2 children of her own. She can’t keep a job. Is too good for Welfare. Spends all day on facebook and a cell phone that I pay for. ENOUGH! I no longer care if they never speak to me again any of them. He lives in Atlanta, but he is always hungry, homeless or both. Yet when he gets a job, he gets a case of selective amnesia. He never remembers to pay back any loans. They both have champagne taste with beer pockets. I am sick of these BUMS! yes I said it. I am going to let the chips fall where they may,

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  50. I have a 28 year-old family member that is currently living at home with his parents while finishing his last year of law school. A week before finals it was discovered/revealed that he had been stealing from his family, pathologically lying about a series of things, and basically involved in all sorts of self-destructive behavior for months. The whole family has been communicating about the situation and putting all of the pieces together, but has not yet confronted him so that he could get through his last finals before graduating. Law school is pretty much the only structured thing he has going on. He got straight A’s the first 2 years and it is unclear how he has been doing this last year. He has not seemed himself, has been disorganized, and going out a lot more than usual.

    How should the family confront him once finals are over? Should they pursue a formal/professional intervention? The student has a generally defensive personality and will be difficult to talk to, has been continuously lying and really needs help in order to proceed with a healthy and successful future. There is hope here, but the path will not be easy…he seems to have really lost himself and gotten involved with some bad characters, possibly drug addiction, and who knows what else.

    Though the parents are somewhat responsibly for enabling to an extent, they were only allowing him to live at home and helping with support in order to help this individual complete law school, not just to do nothing and enable him to take advantage of them. They really need support and help understanding that they are not to blame for these surprisingly revealed circumstances.

    Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.

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  51. I am 62 years old and and I retired to Tennessee to live when I was forced to go on a disability pension from the railroad 20 years ago. I had to have both of my hips replaced at age 41 and the railroad wouldn’t let me continue working and helped me get on a disability pension. For the last four years I have been helping my 28 year old adult son financially. He is physically disabled and can’t keep a job because of his disabilities. He currently lives in Ohio with his brother and sister-in-law and I send $300 a month to pay for his rent there.

    My 28 year old son has been chronically homeless for the last four years and he can’t keep a job because of his disabilties. He has no health insurance but he has been diagnosed with a herniated disc in his spine and he has also been told that he needs to have hip replacement surgery because he has bone rubbing against bone. I am currently in the process of helping him apply for SSI and Medicaid as his advocate because he can’t
    properly understand how to fill out the SSI forms himself. In the third grade he was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and had special classes all the way through graduating high school in 2001. Because of his physical disabilities with his spine and hip he has been unable to keep a job. Every employer that hires him eventually notices him wicing in pain from his hernieated disc and the pain in one of his hips, and then they let him go with the excuse that “because of your disabilty you may become a liability to us”. Paying $300 a month for his rent and sending money occasionally for a bus pass and cell phone and personal grooming items (soap, shampoo etc.) cost me and additional $100 a month. He does need the bus pass and cell phone in order to look for a job, but he can’t ever keep one because of his disabilities. Paying $400 a month is becoming a strain on me financially because I am on a fixed income. My wife and my son’s step-mother says that I should cut him off financially and this is causing a strain on our 18 year old marriage. In the last three weeks he has attempted suicide twice by trying to overdose on ibuprofen which takes for pain relief. He says he hates his life and he feels hopeless because of his disabilties and his chronic homelessness and his inability to support himself. Because of this he has tried to commit suicide twice in the last three weeks by taking large amounts of ibuprofen, which he uses for pain. The first time he took 100 ibuprofen and had his stomach pumped. On the fourth of July he took 150 ibuprofen and was taken to the hospital again. I am afraid he is going to keep trying to commit suicide until one day he succeeds. At the same time all of this going on with him (his disabilities, the sucicide attempts and paying his rent and sendig more money monthly for his necessities is draining me mentally and financially, not to mention putting a strain on my marriage. My wife and his step-mother will not allow him to live with us. I am at my wits end on what else I can do to help him become self sufficient and get his medical problems taken care of. Hopefully the SSI and Medicaid will go through. If he is denied SSI I will get an attorney for him and try to appeal that decision. If anyone has any suggestions for me on how to help him please respond. He will not live in a homeless shelter he has tried that several times and says he prefers to sleep on the streets insted of the homeless shelters. For now he is off the streets living with his brother and I pay his rent to stay there. Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know what else to do for him. I am 62 years old and I won’t be around forever to help him. I don’t want to get a phone call that he was finally sucessfull and committed suicide, that would crush me.

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    • Hello,I stumbled upon this sight and was reading with hopes to get advice.I thought my problems with my son were unsurmountable, then I read this and realized my issues are scarce compared to yours. I think your on the right track with getting a disability SS lawyer. I’m sure you’ll get help especially because of the suicide attempts. I remember when my husband was working with a lawyer for his disability, the lawyer said depression and mental health issues was a shoe in!In the event your not around he’ll probably have to go to a nursing home. God will provide! You will be in my prayers!

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    • I think in your case, you will have to let him rely on government resources. Otherwise the enabler becomes the victim and you could end up penniless. I know this because I have given into my oldest’s manipulations and assumptions that wherever we go, I pay. Today, I have told her no more and I mean it. She has gotten over 50,000. out of me over time.. Some of it I charged. She left a good paying job for a less stressful one. I did not raise her like that. I had a stressful job and I kept it because I needed the money. She’s in hock to her credit cards and she is not paying on them and I refuse to help with that. She is married and refuses to tell him what is going on. She pays for his health insurance and it’s $$. They need to discuss things and I need to be looking out for myself. You need to look out for your future and if he has to go to the nursing home, then that’s what he’ll have to do. My brother tried to commit suicide several times and finally he is doing better. Not because anyone gave him money. You can’t make people not depressed. He will get medication in the nursing home. My brother got SS because of his suicide attempts. Stay true to yourself or you will get very resentful. I know I did and I am pleased that I put my foot down today. I know I will have to reinforce it over and over and I am ready for that. Prayers for you and your family.

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  52. have a 20 year old lives at home works part time gos back to school this fall for 2 class a day has a boy friend when she is home he wil come over and stay for hours 7to 10 hours dont. she donet pay anthing am getting tired of him what do you think?

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    • Sounds like you’re a b*tch. Your daughter is in college, furthering her education, and has a boyfriend. That’s your whole story. Your daughter is doing right for herself by going to school, and you should support her through that. She’s 20, that’s part of the time period when humans are at their sexual prime, and they SHOULD enjoy that while they’re young and able. So please do explain what you’re so fed up with?

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      • Your calling that person a bitch???? You must be the same type of person who doesn’t get along with your parents and of which asked and who expect you to help out around the house, and you having a fit act the same way. If your not that adult child then you must be one of those pussy bleeding heart parents who are imprisoned by their adult child. Young people have this entitlement thing they think they are owed.

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  53. I have a 29 year old daughter that is bipolar. She NEVER learns from her mistakes. She had had issues with drugs, she lies, she manipulates. I have raised her oldest child who is now 13. She has 2 younger sons. She has married and divorced and remarried…both times to drug addicts. She has about sucked my husband and I dry emotionally and financially. I have finally come to see that she holds me hostage by using my grandchildren as pawns. I told her yesterday that the time has come for it to end. We will no longer do for her, or rescue her, or give to her. She will have to face all consequences of her choices from now on. We are tired of her dishonesty and sneaking behaviors. I willo worry about my 2 grandsons, but I have to stop letting that keep us entrapped. She has been at our home AGAIN for a few weeks because she left husband for getting too far into drug abuse (needle), although she also abuses drugs! She thinks we are not aware she plans to go right back to him for the umpteenth time? She has been told the ride is over, if she is going…just go, but if we have to the phone numbers will be changed…we are DONE. Are we doing the correct thing?

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    • I just spent a half an hour responding to you but it wouldn’t take my response. Kept saying Error on the spam number! Now I have to go to work. I’m going through similar problems with my 27 year old son! Lets support each other through this! God knows I could use some support! Will respond when I get home from work! Katie

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    • I am so relieved to see that I am NOT the only mother going through this, my daughter is now 27 years old, college educated (always book smart) and now unemployed. Making terrible choices and always needing $. Lost a lot of weight these past two years and she has become so narcissistic. She uses my grandson as a pawn to get money, her way etc. I am so sick of it. She would rather Party than work or parent anymore. Note: this behavior started about 2 years ago after she and boyfriend(grandson’s father) broke up and then she started dating a drug-dealer who broke her heart. OH I want my daughter back but can’t take it anymore and worry incessantly about my 5 year old grandson. I have to learn to cope!

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    • If she is bipolar, get her help. She needs meds. If she will not, then distance yourself. You don’t have a choice, it is called self-preservation. The children need to be removed from her custody until she is ‘straightened out’. Do you want the kids abused and in a bad environment? Of course not, so take action and stop enabling her. Stop being weak and put your foot down for crying out loud. SMH

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  54. I am considering leaving my home because my husband enables my 20 year old who lives with us because her license has been suspended for DUI and spends her money on tattoos and alcohol. She loses her temper and takes it out on me when he’s gone.

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    • Leave if you have to but don’t take anymore abuse. Let them see what happens when you are not there, this does not make you a bad person. My kids would not abuse me, I would have kicked their ass and they know it. 20 is an adult so either you get respect or one of you leaves. Take no shit. I am older and I can tell you , it is not worth it.

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  55. My husband and I have only been married for 4 years, and in that time we have spent thousands of dollars on his children. Some of the time I am fine with helping if they really need it and don’t expect it. He has a 28 yr old who is a Alcoholic and comes or calls when he needs something usually money. They are things that are not necessities but wants. I have tried to talk to my husband about this but he won’t even discuss it. He feels guilty because he was not there when they were growing up. (Military) This is his way of making it up but it is dibilitating for this particular son. My husband has spent $270 in the last 2 weeks on taking the son and daughter and grandchild out to eat while I work the night shift long hard hours and I feel resentful. His son had a cell phone…a simple one because he wasn’t working at the time, and he talked his dad into buying him a Samsung Galaxy so he could have the internet and email. It was expensive and a want. There have been many other times we have given him money or bought plane tickets, train tickets or my husband even gave him money to buy his wife a anniversary present..(exwife now)We are making good money between the two of us but we have no retirement to speak of since we both had 6 children and I raised mine for 20 years alone. All my money went to raise them. My husband is a good man and very generous to everyone. I know he would give my children money too, if they asked, but they are all self sufficient and dont’ ask. I have occasionally given them a small amount when I knew things were tight, but they have never asked us for any. I get so frustrated because we could be using that money to pay off the bills we have together and getting ready for our retirement.

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    • Our situations are relatively similar. My husband would also do for my children but they are relatively self sufficent and don’t ask. I raised both of mine alone for 10 years where as his ex did the majority of the child rearing because she “couldn’t” work and he worked long hours to support hi family. I have told him that if he wants to continue financially supporting his son even though he knows he is doing wrong, I am getting a seperate checking account because I refuse to support his bad hoices/decisions.

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      • Most employers allow you to add a second direct deposit account. I would suggest opening a separate bank account to save your hard earned money. Keep depositing your living expenses into the joint account (bills, food, entertainments funds, miscellaneous for household items, etc.) but set aside a determined amount each month for your retirement. All financial planners say “pay yourself first”. You’re husband has every right to give away his last cent, however you have the right to plan for your retirement, as well. It sounds as if your husband would understand that you want to start saving for retirement. The monies he gives his children, doesn’t even have to be part of the conversation. I wish you success.

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    • We can’t depend solely on our SS in the future. Bills will have to be paid and put the most away for retirement. You may not work to the age you think, we older ones get sick sometimes. He can’t make up for not being home and he was doing an honorable job. They should respect that he served our country. Stop it before it gets worse, you may have to tell him what you expect and go from there, maybe counseling. I am not saying this because I am critical, I have walked in similar shoes. I doled out many thousands to my grown kids. I felt guilty because their father died at a young age. I am letting go of this guilt and reminding myself every day that I have to save for my future. If they see that we stop enabling, then we are setting a good example for when they have kids, they can think about how you handled it. and me too.

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  56. Have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years, I have a daughter (22) and a son (19). My daughter lives on her own with a roommate, works six days a week and all we do for her is pay her cell phone bill and the insurance on her car. I am talking to her about starting college and she is receptive to the idea. She does not have any children, no criminal record, and does not come to us for money. I usually ask her if she needs anything when we talk which is about once a week. My son is a cop in the Air Force and is stationed about 5 hours from our home, he is also self-sufficient, has no children and no arrest record (obviously – he’s a military cop.) My oldest stepson is 30, married with two stepsons of his own. He and I get along fine, he works, is a responsible adult and very rarely asks us for anything (mostly gas money as he is the only one working in their home – his wife is starting back to school this week.) My youngest stepson is and has always been the issue. He is 27 with a 3 yo son that we love very much. He has been in jail, had a DUI, been through drug rehab, and is overall, very emotionally immature and irresponsible for his age. He has ordered porn on our satellite and expected us to pay for it (he was unemployed – he has since started working because his son’s mom put him in jail for child support non-payment.) We have found drugs in his room, he has a pattern of irresponsible behavior and his father and I argue and have come close to divorcing because his father makes excuses for him and enables him by continuing to give him money and paying his fines/bills for him. Things have improved in the last year because my husband has realized that his son’s behavior is really taking away/affecting our grandson and will continue to if his son continues to make bad decisions. I love my stepsons and try very hard to not parent them, but be their friend and treat them fairly and as adults. My oldest stepson does not enable his brother; in fact it is just the opposite. He is usually brutally honest with him which leads to arguments and my youngest stepson won’t speak to him for months. My husband’s ex wife is also an enabler with a drinking/drug problem who is an expert at guilt and manipulation (she does it to both of the boys – the oldest has become pretty much immune to it and doesn’t seem to fall for her tactics much anymore.) It’s a different story with the youngest stepson and he often calls her complaining when my husband and I try to get him to do better in his decisions (typically after he does something wrong and gets found out/caught). She sides with him and talks bad about my husband and I even though we do the most for all of the kids. I love my husband very much but I don’t know how much love I can handle the disrespect/lies from my grown stepson. I would never allow my children to get away with tsome of the things that my stepson has (in our home.) They would have been out the door and my kids KNOW it……..Thanks for letting me vent.

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  58. in my early twenties I would move in with my parents for awhile then I would move back in with my husband. This happened several times. Then one day I asked my parents if I could move in again and to my surprise my dad said “No”. I Couldn’t believe it! I was crushed. My parents said they would help me get an apartment and pay my bills for two months, which was enough time for me to find a job and get my first pay check, but I was not allowed to move in with them. Long story short, they helped until my first paycheck and since then I have paid my own way, got out of the bad relationship for good, and the only time I stay at my parents house is when I’m there visiting (since I live out of state). What I thought was the end of the world, ended up being the best thing my dad could have done and being a parent now I know it wasn’t easy for him, but I’m so grateful he did! Thanks Dad, I love you

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  59. There is no reason to support that kid. When you enable him , it is agreeing with what he does. And therefore you are doing him and yourself a disservice. When he repeats his offenses, then leave him in the jail cell. He put himself there and therefore will have to learn lessons. We have laws to follow and even at my age, if broke the law more than once, nobody in my family would get me out. They have the money so they would probably put me in a mental institution. No way would there be enabling going on. I do understand, I have been enabling an adult child for years. I finally quit and I feel like it’s a weight off my shoulders. This way her husband and her can communicate. She has a shopping addiction and a food addiction. Me doling out money was making it worse. I will reiterate this to myself daily so I don’t start it up again. Good luck. Counseling might be good for the whole family together. But you have to stop, boths parent and his Mom. The leaves don’t fall too far from the tree sometimes. It’s never easy.

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  60. Wow, I just want to thank all of you for your post here. I was thinking I had troubles (which I do) with my 19 yr.old of which I asked for him to start paying 150 monthly for rent a few months back which he agreed to but recently I asked him for 30.00 to help in paying for a plumber to come out to do a drain clearing (85.00 total)and he had a shit fit in short and by the way this would be the last time I asked for him contributing financially. Always gives excuses and a hard time in the past. So I kicked him out for tons of reasons but mainly being disrespectful this final time.
    I pay/paid for his medical/dental and vision not to mention food and bath/laundry supplies. I know he will be fine but he stated he never wants to speak with me again. That hurt but I will get over it. He’ll realize I was and am a great parent.
    About him: he works 40+ hours wkly, pays for his cell bill and his car insurance and of course his $150 mnth rent.
    Like many of you reading each story I can only pray and wish well for each of you, good outcomes and resolution.
    You all have helped me get through mine by your posts here like I said. Thank you again.

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  61. I have a 19 year old daughter from my first marriage. She is a commuter student in college (2nd year). I don’t ask her for rent or to help with utilities because I do not pay her tuition. She pays it all herself. If she is ever in a bind, I will help but the bottom line is that’s her expense along with her car. She has a car note; she pays that and the maintenance of her car herself. So, I don’t think I’m being too light on her because she doesn’t contribute toward rent and utilities. I think I’m doing the right thing. My husband on the other hand, has 3 daughters from his first marriage…ages 19, 21 and 22. They live with their mother. None of them work. Every payday, they’re on the phone with him telling him what they need and it drives me nuts because he’s withdrawing the funds for them no sooner than it hits the account. The 21 year old has a 2 year-old daughter. The 22 year old has a arrest record and can’t get a job because she has a bench warrant for her arrest. His 19 year-old appears to be the only one of the three trying to do something with her life by attending medical assistant school. How do I get him to realize that he’s not helping them by giving them handouts?

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    • I’ve had the same issues and have cut and pasted several very good articles and opinions for my boyfriend to read. They never take advice well from us and get all defensive! Sometimes I have to draw pictures! If my BF doesn’t want to realize he is hurting us by enabling his daughter, I’m out!

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  62. I have been through this so many times and I am sick to death of it. My 28 year old daughter became addicted to oxy at 22. Year and years of bullshit. I enabled her, I kicked her out, I let her come back…blah blah blah. She is now clean and sober and the one thing she tells me is that everything I did and didn’t do had pretty much no effect on her when she was using. It was all about the drugs! Now my 21 year old daughter, my honor student, the homecoming queen, is off the rails. My ex-husband died in Feb of scorosis? of the liver and all 4 kids were left 20 grand each ( through their deceased grandparents, my ex died before he could get his hand on it) Anyway my 21 year old blew 20 grand in 2 months. She has nothing to show for it! She bought a crppy car for 2 grand and wrecked it, she stole and lied and abused all her friends and family in NY then decided to take the last of her cash ($300) and buy a plane ticket to Florida to come and dump on me and her stepfather. We moved to Florida two years ago. I paid for her to go to college in Florida, she dropped out because she wanted to go back to NY and be with her boyfriend. I paid for her to go to college in NY and she was living with her older brother. She dropped out of school in NY, her brother couldn”t put up with her anymore so we flew her to Florida to live with us. She couldn’t hold down a job and was miserable, so we paid for her to go back to NY. We knew the inheritence was weeks away and told her that once she got that money it was time to take care of herself. Two months later and she shows up in Florida, broke! I did not allow her to move back in with us. I actually couldn’t becasue the guy who runs our community did not want her back! She pulled a lot of crap and drama there. So now she is living with friends and I have not heard from her in a week. I am sure she is using drugs and not living right and she is always on my mind. I try not to worry, instead I pray for her. This is her path and she needs to figure out how to live right and be succesful. She is so smart and so pretty. I pray to God that she learns her lessons and stays safe. Thats all I can do. I told her that when she is ready to go to rehab I will help her do that, but until then I have nothing but love for her! It’s hard to do, but I spent years, doing for her and giving her money and flying her around and paying for cars and shipping cars back and forth between NY and Florida at her whim and now I am done. I know from experience with my older daughter that only she can make the change! I wish you all peace!

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  63. My husband is a good man. He has 3 children from a previous marriage two biological and one adoptive. He raised the children on his own when his ex wife abruptly left the marriage and family. The adoptive child is her cousin’s daughter that she brought home without discussing with him. The children were young when she left and they were scarred by her leaving and it carried over into their adulthood. My husband’s oldest was on drugs but has recovered. His second child was a teen mom now with 3 kids of her own but got married to the father of her children and is mostly independent. The youngest, adopted daughter is 20 years old and is a loaf. She has never worked and could care less about finding a job. She says she wants to be a vet tech but she failed her 4 general studies classes on purpose. Now she is on financial aid and academic suspension. She had an interview at Walmart and they didn’t hire her as a cashier I believe she failed the interview on purpose. She watches tv and searches the internet all day everyday. She doesn’t clean, she says she is depressed but she showers everyday and does her hair. She takes selfies and updates on social media all of the time. She says she can’t work because she has a stutter, that she doesn’t have. My husband is a big time enabler. All of the excuses she comes up with is ridiculous. I have 4 children and I would never let them do that. We gave her 2 years to move out because vet tech school is only 9 months long and there are plenty of jobs she could take. We agreed that as long as she was working and going to school she could save all of money for 2 years. Now she’s not in school…no job…no plans…and she is freeloading on us and he refuses to say anything to her. I’m upset and resent that he allows her to just sit at home everyday. Its like Groundhog Day the movie.

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  64. My 25 year old step-son is a despicable person who has a long history of using other people for as long as he can and when they finally cotton on to the fact that they are being used and withdraw whatever it is he is using them for, he gets nasty and spiteful towards them. Unfortunately, my husband is an enabler who turns either turns a blind eye or downplays his son’s behaviour or apportions blame to the victims of the behaviour and it drives me crazy that he perpetuates this situation. I can’t tell you how many times he has let this lad cause problems in my husband’s personal life but when it comes to his son, he behaves lie a complete door mat.

    A few years ago the son lost his job and got kicked out of the place he was living at with a friend. Against my better judgement, I agreed that he could come and live with us in my house (the house was mine long before I married my husband) for a few months until he got back on his feet. We made an agreement that in lieu of paying any rent or expenses towards his upkeep, while he was unemployed, he was expected to do a day’s worth of gardening each week as an exchange for all meals and board. But during the 5 months he lived with us he probably only did one day’s worth of garden work. I found out later that he had told my daughter that he had no intentions of only staying with us for 5 months, he was going to stay for as long as he could as he was living with us ‘for free’ and it was much cheaper than renting a place of his own).

    Shortly after he moved in, he found a full-time job but then not only was he not doing the gardening, he still wasn’t paying anything towards the household except for his weekly liquor. He drank heavily every evening and he even ‘propositioned’ my best friend’s daughter who was living with as the time (she boarded with us while she was at college as we lived close to the college and her parents lived in New Zealand. When my friend’s daughter told him ‘no’, he started acting nasty towards her and he went and slept with 2 of her friends whom he had met through her. On top of this, he had this one girl who kept coming over and they would disappear for hours into his bedroom with the door closed. I complained to my husband but the only time he ever did anything about his son’s behaviour was when I kicked up a huge fuss and even then, all he would say to me is ‘what do you want me to do about it?’ I finally got really mad one night and kicked the lad out. After this he went to live with a relative but he was eventually ‘asked to leave’ so then he managed to worm his way into my daughter’s and husband’s home (they had been friends with him while he was living at our home but took him in despite my warnings to them to avoid him). Of course, he took advantage of them too and when they kicked him out after he owed them over $100 which he refused to pay back, he accused them of stealing some of his belongings, sent them threatening text messages and a threatening Facebook message telling them he was going to come around with some thug-friends and beat my son in law up and shoot him. I knew that my step-son was all talk but I told my husband that if he didn’t ‘do something about his son’ we were going to call the police on him.
    Finally I told my husband that his son was never welcome in our home again and if he caused any problems any of us again, we will be going straight to the police. Since that time, the son has taken up with several different women, the last one he has had a child with but he has since ‘broken up’ with her and has moved on to the next woman and the poor baby is only 8 months old. I am willing to bet that he will try to avoid paying child support for the baby, given his history. Since he was homeless after breaking up with his baby’s Mother, my husband allowed him to move into the property that he owns with his brother (who is unemployed after being retrenched from his job) and I suspect that my husband is paying all of the bills over there for both his brother and his son and my step-son wouldn’t be paying a cent. I have set boundaries with my husband and said that his son is not to come near my property nor my family again nor do I want to hear about anything to do with his son. As a result, my kids and I are no longer affected by his son’s behaviour but it just makes me mad when I hear my husband talking to other people about his son and making excuses for or down-playing his behaviour or apportioning blame to the victims of his behaviour. My husband is enabling his son’s behaviour and no matter what things his son does, he just wipes the slate clean and behaves like nothing ever happened. How can my husband be in such denial, I just don’t get it.

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  65. I have a 30 year old son in prison for the forth time an he is always writing home for money I am a widow and on a small check my daughter says I need to stop writing him and sending him stuff but I feel guilty if I don’t do it what can I do

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  66. My brother-in-law is 28, a recent college grad, who has been financially dependent on his parents, my in-laws, for his entire life. Even the few times that he moved out of their home for short periods, they still subsidized his life, paying for his rent as ‘needed’, giving him gas money when asked, buying him groceries, paying his car payment when he bought the car without steady income or financial independence, then giving him their car when his was stolen, have always paid for his car insurance, etc. In this time, he’s been arrested for drug distribution, put in jail, they helped him get the charges deferred. Then he started stealing money and finally admitted to having an oxy addiction. They helped pay for his doctor visits and drugs to ‘ween him off the oxy’ but really he just used that and went back to pills after a while. He has gone through several girlfriends that had problems of their own, but he was an obvious toxic force in their lives, some of them he still is. The last one moved in with him and then their apartment burned down which created the new need to live with his parents.

    Some of his problems are legitimate: addiction, a house fire, bad job market. But most of his problems are irresponsibility, zero accountability, and his mother takes codependency to an extreme. He doesn’t even have access to his bank account, because she took control of it after he was using excuse after excuse on her and her husband in order to get money out of them. Now if he needs money, he asks her to let him get it out of his own bank account.

    Leading up to his graduation, my in-laws said he had to be out after graduating, that they wouldn’t help past that point. I knew that was empty talk. They are just as much of the problem as he is. They have to cut him loose.

    Last night, after reading through these stories and other articles online, I talked with my husband about the very real possibility that if they cripple him, handicap him to the point that he cannot function, we will feel responsible for taking up where ever it is they leave off. Be it a tragic event, illness, whatever, or they just grow old with him leeching off them, he will look to us for help and we will have to be strong enough to say ‘no.’ I know I can do it, but I don’t know if my husband can.

    It’s wrong for both parties to do this to themselves and their families. It’s wrong for the freeloader to do this. It’s wrong for the parents to allow it and enable it. It’s completely unhealthy.

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  67. I failed to mention that he does not pay rent while he stays in their house. He smokes marijuana in their house and cigarettes outside and has smelled up their house. He never has money for anything, yet he has no responsibilities. No one is expecting anything of him and I think that’s how he wants it.

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  68. I took over as POA in 2010, when my(2) cousins quit. (I was then conservator and now trustee)
    They failed to report MAJOR over gifting to my sister, out of an EDUCATIONAL TRUST FUND for (3) grandchildren.
    I got stuck going back 5 years, through all the check books, to fix this mess for the accountant and probate.
    My sister berated our mother to sign a side agreement, to pay her rent for eternity out of this educational trust!
    To date, she has received over half a million in rent and then she was the sole beneficiary of a $350,000.00 insurance policy, after mom passed in 2012.
    In 2010 she had an attorney who actually set up a 529 account for my son, because by the time he got to college age, the fund would be depleted.
    That sounds like a fraudulent contract in so many ways. Even when I took this all to PROBATE, the judge said: “your sister is cut off”.
    Does this mean, that IF there is any tiny amount left, she gets none of it?
    My mother also slid $450,000.00 over to my brother, before he died of cancer in 2009. With per stirpes, this means, they still get A THIRD of any amount left over, if there is any.

    I am the youngest of three children, and I am keeping a journal of all my hours over the past 5 years. My attorney told me to do this and to pay myself.
    Its set up so we all are suppose to equally, get a third, AFTER all (3) grandchildren have been educated. (FAMILY TRUST kicks in)
    That is not going to happen, because the RED LOBSTER and living on the beach in FLORIDA, has eaten up the whole EDUCATIONAL TRUST FUND.
    I am so glad I did not sign her PROBATE accounting until all this was brought to light.
    My cousin is the vice president of a bank and she hid all of this from the IRS, and from me specifically.
    There is NO FAMILY TRUST, because ONE beneficiary demanded she get her third, before the grand sons got through college.
    How can that be and is that legal?
    SO many attorneys appointed for my mother and a GAL. NONE of them did a thing. They were too busy listening to everyone say I am the thief and I am the one who should not be appointed.
    They got that 100% wrong, and they slandered me real good in writing too, based on many devious family members, sad the “gravy train” was getting shut down.
    TRUSTS are not going to work if nobody follows the guidelines.

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  69. Reading all these puts me at ease! The only difference in my situation is the age gap between my husband and i. He is much older than I and his daughter is my age. I did not marry for money as we are not considered wealthy. She is 30 years old and has lived with us for 6 months now. Not to mention off and on for the last 6 years(every time her relationship fails). She has 2 kids whom are not at the top of her priority list. She’s never had to work or pay for anything herself such as luxuries or bills. Although I don’t work now I have had to take care of myself before and know what it’s like to pay for things I want and even things that I didn’t want. It really made me learn to appreciate things and respect others property. She helps herself to whatever we have. And doesn’t respect or take care of our house. She leaves ciggarette burn holes in my couch cover and blankets. I lock my bedroom door everytime I leave so she won’t t go in and help herself. She constantly has overnight guests ( male & female ). I feel I can’t speak my mind to my husband because she knows it’s coming from me and I’m the “bad guy”. She recently started a job as a dancer at a top less bar but spends any money on herself (claims she it’s “job expenses” such as alcohol, ciggarettes, perfume and lingere) yet she won’t even spend a dollar on deodorant or toilet paper. I’m basically fed up with it all. He needs to let her fend for herself for a while. I feel uncomfortable in my own home. It’s time for her to grow up and take responsibility for her life!

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  70. I’m afraid that my 25 year old sister is along the way to becoming a dependent, self-indulgent adult child who will always rely on my parents to bail her out. She got kicked out of college recently after spending 7 years trying to pass. Now she’s living with my parents, who are quite comfortable and can easily afford to support her. However, she still relies on my mother to do her laundry, cook her meals, clean her room and even wake her up in the morning. She held a job for less than 3 months before calling it quits (obviously because her boss and colleagues were too irritating) and has no direction in life. Unfortunately, my parents want her so badly to get back to work that they are willing to put up with her irresponsibility and help cushion her way so she can fully concentrate on getting a job. Her reaction? Going off on a week-long vacation in a luxury villa costing $300/night. God knows how she got the money for that trip but I have a theory.. Throwing tantrums, giving the silent treatment and crying are sure-fire ways of getting my parents and her boyfriend to cave in and give her what she wants. I cannot believe that at 25 years old, she still needs to be reminded to shower, make her bed, and won’t wake up in time for a commitment unless my mother comes in to get her out of bed. Forget about chipping in for rent, doing groceries, helping out with housework. She emotionally blackmails her boyfriend into doing her bidding by posting passive-aggressive messages on social media for her whole network to see until her boyfriend caves and apologizes/buys a present/takes her out etc to keep the peace and his dignity! In the process, she has developed a strange mentality in which she seems to think of herself as eternally young (she’s been telling me I’m old since I was 21 – we are 2 years apart), resulting in her disliking children to the very extreme. As for my parents, unless they are able to see the harsh reality and go against their well-meaning intention to protect and support, they will probably end up housing her and paying for her endless manicures, island getaways, and shopping splurges. She used to say it wasn’t fair when I could reward myself to a vacation or a nice item and demanded the same from my parents even though she didn’t work. Now she’s stopped with that since she is definitely edging me out in the vacation/nice things category as I certainly cannot afford her lifestyle! She will be in for a shock the day she realizes that real life does not equal working 2.5 months and taking 3-4 vacations per year with eyelash extensions, endless shopping and fancy restaurants (her poor boyfriend is definitely the main sponsor of the last one!) Good luck to all those out there in similar situations, especially those who see the situation clearly but are unable to do much to help.

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  71. My husbands brother has always been extremely lazy and everyone in the family treats him like he shouldn’t have to hold down such a thing as a job. His father gives him large sums of money so he doesn’t have to work. He bar hops nightly and basically does absolutely nothing with himself – he has created a self-made millionaire persona with his circle of friends so everyone outside the family thinks he has some sort of internet job where he makes millions – a lie. My husband is expected not only to work, but take care of everything family-related. He works large hours, is the CEO of a large corporation, and would never expect his father to pay our bills. And who is the one who gets spoiled and taken on free vacations? His lazy brother. I can’t begin to say how crazy the whole thing is. I will never ever do that to our children – my husband acts like it doesn’t bother him but OF COURSE it does! A horrible way to parent.

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  72. I have been living with a boyfriend for over a year now who has a 22 year old daughter…Yes she works and pays the rent, but helping around the house she doesn’t…she has no idea what responsibilities are or nor how to cook ..I have to do her laundry, cook, clean up after her and do the dishes..If she leaves things laying around my boyfriend yells at me instead of his daughter…He says he feels bad for her because he wasn’t there for the first of her 11 years but back then she was a child and now shes an adult its time to show her and treat her like an adult and show her some responsibility …I get so angry and I tell him but he goes on ignoring me when I discuss these kind of things to him.

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  73. The problem also with adult children (AKA Losers) is that they are so self entitled due to always being coddled by their parents that when they meet up with a responsible adult like myself (I am 25 and ben on my own 100% since 18…no funds from parents, no health ins from them, no nothing)

    Anyhow, when they meet up with someone like me they are so insecure and petty due to the fact they know they are just losers (they may not admit it, but when they see someone like me it reminds them of everything they aren’t and they start to get attitudes and start big mouthing.(something they learned from big mouthing their parents)

    I find people like this to be highly manipulative and pathetic. They hone their manipulation skills by manipulating their parents then they think someone like me or other REAL adults will believe them, and when we inevitably don’t because we can see right through them they get angry.

    So, not only are a adult children a burden to their parents they are a burden to REAL adults and society as a whole. They stifle progress with their childish attitudes and they are just an irritation. So parents cut your kid off from the milk already. Sink or swim!

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  74. Seeing some of these comments of their entitled children made me see red. I left home at 18 and paid my way to college with summer jobs and scholarships and had 4 different jobs since I was 14 years old. Yet my brother is 20 now with no real job experience and my parents still treat him like a child. He’s not lazy but he’s not independent either. His communication and life skills are severely lacking. I for one will not put up with it. I told him to get a job while going to college while my mom is paying for his rent off campus. She expects me to drive him to school since my school is 15 minutes away. NO WAY. They need to realize he’s a man now and in no shape or form a child. For parents who are the enabler or know someone who is enabling, you either put your foot down and show tough love, or simply continue to live with the leeches. If it is the latter, I have no sympathy for you.

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      • Putting your foot down does come with consequences. But would you rather see how useless your loved one is in the future?

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        • Stacy…I agree with hanaria and with Joseph 100%. You either let people pay the consequences of their own actions or you keep bailing them out in which case they will never learn responsibility. An adult will only work and become self-sufficient and responsible if she/he has to0…and they don’t have to if Mommy and/or Daddy are taking care of them and cleaning up their messes. If Mommy and Daddy continues to treat their adult children as children than this is exactly where they will stay…they will forever stay children. Allowing your children to live useless but well will have consequences on both the child and the parent. The catered to and coddled child will continue to be useless because the parent allowed and even kept their child from becoming self-sufficient and productive. By not insisting that your adult child act and live as an adult is robbing that child of their potential. I don’t feel sorry for any parent who cares more about how they feel over what is in the best interest of the child. Its pure selfishness so it stands to reason that your child will be selfish as well. Years lost can never be given back. Don’t rob your child of what he or she can be because you want him or her to stay home with you because it makes You feel good. This is bad parenting. My Dad made me pay the consequences of my own actions and told me when I ran into financial trouble that “I made my bed so now sleep in it.” ” He wasn’t handing over his hard-earned money to me because I failed to become financially responsible…and I Thank Him every Day for this. This was many years ago. Because of him…I worked hard, earned my lifestyle and had loads of self-esteem because I felt so good about taking care of myself as well as I did. I never took handouts. I taught my own kids the same values so no one is mooching off of me either. Do your kids a favor and make them grow up!

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  75. I am so down and frustrated. My 40 year old daughter was living with an abusive boyfriend and wanted to get away. I needed surgery and needed someone to watch my grandchild that i have custody of (from another daughter). I told her if she would paint I would pay her spending money. I want to get this house ready to resell and get my equity out of it.
    She did an awesome job the first 2 months. She took great care of me after the surgery, painted HER ROOM, washed the dishes and took good care of my grandson.
    Now it is 8 months later. RareIly washes dishes, has not painted since she got her room done. When I told her that I would not be buying her cigarettes after this month, she rudely said what about all the SWEETS that I buy? I mean honestly! I told her that I worked for 35 to 40 years and if I wanted sweets that I would buy sweets.
    This is such a drain on me emotionally not to mention financially.
    I needed to vent and even more so… I need to do something about this.

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  76. What about an adult child, and yes he acts like a child, who sponges off his working wife and refuses to get a job. He walked out of two jobs a decade ago when he wasn’t promoted. Granted they were not high paying jobs as he also dropped out of college. She pays for everything while he eats, plays on the computer, and sponges. She pays all of the bills and he does…nothing. He will not clean, do laundry, or cook. She loves him and puts up with it. It makes me sick to see how hard she works to support the dead beat. I can’t stand being in the room with him as all he talks about is his former glory days. His stories are so old its ridiculous. He’s a narcissist.

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  77. There are things to consider when deciding whether or not to give money to an adult child besides biology or being in poverty during his or her childhood. Did he or she provoke arguments with their step-father and Mother and misinterpret the discipline they received as abuse? Has he or she had charges dismissed in a fraud case by marrying the victim? Did he or she move in with grandparents and consistently receive money from their grandmother until their elderly grandfather insisted that he or she either go back to their mother, or get a place of their own? Has he or she behaved as if they are willing to do anything unethical or illegal to get money from other family members? Something else is going on.

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  78. i cant believe all these self-indulgent adult kids. i thought for sure my wife was the only parent doing this type of enabling. this seems like a real problem in our world today. we have a son 33yrs old 3 kids single kids are with us all the time we pay for every thing we have no extra money to begin with on fixed income and dad here is disabled. has taken over mommys car cell phone and some times mommys bank card this man always needs money does not work. he plays the victim. every thing bad happens to him. emotionally extorts his family even brother and sister for money thinks he can take what ever he whats from any of us and thinks its ok. this man feels he does nothing wrong to any of his family. this has caused many problems in our entire life with this young mans BS.after 40yrs of marriage this oldman is ready to leave being ran out of my own home no kidding i have been stuck and no way out.some how some way i have to go i cant take it any more. loner

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  79. My husband has two adult sons in their 30’s. He and their mother were divorced when sons were adolescents. Ever since then both parents have tried to out-spend/out-gift the other on every birthday, holiday, and just-because day. The sons are now grown and nothing has changed. The sons have had their girl friends living with them at their parents. The one son got married and still lived with his mother. The other son went to law school, got married after living with his girlfriend of 9+ years, moved back home into a house with a mortgage being paid by the father. So, both 30-something sons are still living off the parents. Neither one has ever been independent in their lives. It is just too difficult to muster up any respect for my spouse.

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  80. http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2016/07/24/how-boomer-parents-can-stop-babying-their-millennials-financially/#2bce2e346005

    According to the article: “Boorn says modern parents feel an enormous sense of responsibility for how their kids turn out. “They wind up with this load of guilt and unfounded responsibility. It’s an unfortunate and popular idea that a parent can’t have a good life if their child is struggling. That supports the bailing out and enabling,” she says.

    To clarify, one adult son was living with his mother, moved his girlfriend in, then got married to her and still lived with mother, they divorced after a year or so and he still lives with mother. The other son and wife that financially supported him through school, moved back home to a small city from a big city because he said there was too much competition for a job. After just under 3 years his wife got tired of financially supporting him and left. He moved his new girlfriend in before any divorce papers were filed. The house he is living is is owned by his father and I and we are still paying a mortgage on it and haven’t received a penny, $0 for rent for 22 months now equalling over $16,000. Where does it ever end? There is no plan to speak of. The house needs all kinds of labor and the adult son doesn’t lift a finger. His mother comes over and does his yard work. She also has been paying for all his living expenses (gas, electrical, water, insurances, food, clothing, you name it) for 22 months now – with no plan to get off dependency in sight.

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