Considering assisted living for my mom

[ua_guy]

I think several of you are confusing assisted living with a nursing home, which couldn't be farther from the truth. Nursing homes are typically akin to a hospital ward with a hall of rooms occupied by 2 patients and a central nursing station. At least around here at the places I'm familiar with, assisted living is a very nice upscale complex where residents live independently in their own apartments but there is care available onsite to whatever degree is needed. Meals are served in a nice dining room. There are all sorts of daily activities which are included in the monthly fee: a movie theater, exercise classes and a fitness center, arts and crafts, card games, speaker programs, a game room, etc. They have buses that takes residents shopping and provide transportation for medical visits. They run various trips. Monthly fee includes housekeeping services to clean your apartment, laundry service, and at the place we visited, 5 hours/week of personal care (assistance with bathing and such). This place is beautiful, opened 11 years ago. My wife and I were about ready to sign ourselves up once we saw the place. We would feel very good about moving her into a place like that. We know she'd be far happier and get far better care than where she is now living by herself, even with a paid aide coming in a few hours a week.

Some of my people started in assisted living and it was much like you described. My husband's grandmother came from rural property in Idaho. Living like a college kid at 90, getting food from a cafeteria, and being invited to eat with other people and do activities just wasn't her cup of tea. Nor was apartment-style living. I know I don't want any of that when I'm older because it's not even what I want now. But it looks great in a brochure.

Moving to assisted living is a huge transition if it's unlike what the person has come from. Even if it is, the transition is still huge! If the one thing your mom really loves to do is cook in her own space, maybe it's not quite time to take that away yet?

[disneysteve]

Either I'll figure it out or I'll die and both scenarios are better than being in an assisted living facility

Sorry, saying you'd rather die than go to assisted living gave me the impression that you might not realize how nice some assisted living places really are.

I agree with you and ua_guy that it would be a big transition, though less so for my mom since she already lives in an apartment in a building with some limited group activities (typically one thing a day where assisted living has multiple things happening daily).

Cooking is definitely a problem. She enjoys doing it but also can't really do it much anymore and she knows it. She doesn't have the energy to stand in the kitchen for hours cooking and baking like she used to. She doesn't have the strength to lift a pot of soup or a heavy roasting pan. And when she does manage to cook or bake something, she usually doesn't have the energy to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen when she's done. The dirty stuff sits on the stove or in the sink until the next day and every time we visit, the kitchen counters are a mess, and the floor is sticky because she spills and drops things a lot.

I totally get the loss of independence issue, being fiercely independent myself. I can only hope that when my wife and I are at that stage, we'll still have the good sense to admit we need some help rather than fighting it every step of the way.

We definitely aren't going to drag her out and move her there tomorrow but we do want to start dropping hints and getting her thinking about what might be best for her going forward as she ages and her abilities continue to diminish. She's commented herself a few times that her freezer used to be filled with stuff she cooked and portioned off and now it's practically empty, so she's aware, whether she admits it openly or not, that she just can't do what she used to.

It's a sad situation all around. She's upset that she's not the person she was 5 or 10 years ago and we're upset watching her decline. We know we could get her so much more help if she would just stop fighting it.

[disneysteve]

Living like a college kid at 90, getting food from a cafeteria, and being invited to eat with other people and do activities just wasn't her cup of tea. Nor was apartment-style living.

Yeah, that's not really the issue with her. She's been in a senior apartment building for 16 years. She attends some of the afternoon activities like a movie or bingo or a musical program or arts and crafts. She's actually upset because they used to have a lot more activities but budget cuts over the years have trimmed it back considerably. And then the past 2+ years with COVID was especially tough when they really couldn't do much of anything.

[scfr]

One thing I've learned from helping my mom with decluttering her house is to make sure to focus a good chunk of my attention on what's important to HER, after making sure safety issues have been addressed. So I spend time doing things for her where, if it were entirely up to me, I'd be doing something completely different. Also, patience is required, as in letting a task that would take me alone only 15 minutes take up an hour with the 2 of us doing it together. Having said that, since cooking & baking is one of the biggest things for your mom, would your family be able to have her over once or twice a week to cook the meal together, allowing extra time to cook at her pace, let her do the tasks that she can manage, and maybe even let her go to the store with you to pick out the produce, etc? You could start doing that now to see how it goes.

[frugal saver]

I just wanted to throw out something about the Long Term Care insurance policies that a few of you mentioned. My mom paid what seemed like a fortune every year in premiums for her LTC policy for "in case it was needed." When it was needed, they never paid a dime. There were incredible hoops to jump through--you had to be sent there as a doctor's requirement, not your own choice. You had to receive full care for 90 days before they would even consider starting to pay. My mom was on Medicare and every time she smiled, they said she was better and sent her home. So the days started over at 1 the next time she was sent. They said she didn't receive "enough care" at the facility to qualify, etc. Bottom line, it was a waste of thousands of dollars of premiums.

My mom's neighbor ran into the same thing. They were still fighting to get coverage to kick in when he passed away.

Look seriously at the LTC policy. What does it pay, when does it pay, EXACTLY what requirements need to be met before it pays. The impression that I was getting was that they would hopefully pay for "full care"--hospice, a serious nursing home situation where the patient couldn't do anything--but assisted living or anything where the person could somewhat cope on their own didn't seem to qualify. Maybe there's some better policies out there now than what my mom had.

[disneysteve]

I just wanted to throw out something about the Long Term Care insurance policies that a few of you mentioned. My mom paid what seemed like a fortune every year in premiums for her LTC policy for "in case it was needed." When it was needed, they never paid a dime. There were incredible hoops to jump through--you had to be sent there as a doctor's requirement, not your own choice. You had to receive full care for 90 days before they would even consider starting to pay. My mom was on Medicare and every time she smiled, they said she was better and sent her home. So the days started over at 1 the next time she was sent. They said she didn't receive "enough care" at the facility to qualify, etc. Bottom line, it was a waste of thousands of dollars of premiums.

My mom's neighbor ran into the same thing. They were still fighting to get coverage to kick in when he passed away.

Look seriously at the LTC policy. What does it pay, when does it pay, EXACTLY what requirements need to be met before it pays. The impression that I was getting was that they would hopefully pay for "full care"--hospice, a serious nursing home situation where the patient couldn't do anything--but assisted living or anything where the person could somewhat cope on their own didn't seem to qualify. Maybe there's some better policies out there now than what my mom had.

My mom's policy also has the 90-day start period. Actually, so does my personal disability policy. That's pretty common I believe. She has to be getting care with 2 or more activities of daily living. Right now, we're trying to make sure her aide is doing that. Things like bathing, assisting with dressing, etc. If she were to go into an assisted living facility, they could also do medication management which counts. I'm in touch with her agent trying to clarify exactly what needs to be happening for the coverage to kick in. We need to know that so that we can figure out how much in benefits she would receive. It remains to be seen if her current aide will qualify though I did file a claim to start the process. We shall see.

[frugal saver]

My mom's policy also has the 90-day start period. Actually, so does my personal disability policy. That's pretty common I believe. She has to be getting care with 2 or more activities of daily living. Right now, we're trying to make sure her aide is doing that. Things like bathing, assisting with dressing, etc. If she were to go into an assisted living facility, they could also do medication management which counts. I'm in touch with her agent trying to clarify exactly what needs to be happening for the coverage to kick in. We need to know that so that we can figure out how much in benefits she would receive. It remains to be seen if her current aide will qualify though I did file a claim to start the process. We shall see.

One of my mom's 90-day failures was that they said her aide didn't qualify. The next was on a Sunday and the person that was supposed to help her had car trouble and didn't show up and no one was available to replace her. She was at like 68 days that time. I went and helped her that day, but of course I didn't qualify either.

[disneysteve]

One of my mom's 90-day failures was that they said her aide didn't qualify. The next was on a Sunday and the person that was supposed to help her had car trouble and didn't show up and no one was available to replace her. She was at like 68 days that time. I went and helped her that day, but of course I didn't qualify either.

I'm sure getting a payout is challenging. If it happens, great. If not, she can fortunately afford it, even if we increased the hours. Lack of insurance might make assisted living out of the question though. Time will tell.

[Petunia 100]

The tough parts would be two things. The apartments don't have kitchens. They just have a small fridge/freezer and a microwave. No stove or oven. My mother loves to cook and bake. Residents get 3 full meals a day in the dining room (and a couple of more casual locations).

That sounds like a reason your Mom might not like this particular place at all. Maybe see if you can find a place with a full kitchen? Another thought is to look into getting more in-home help for her, instead of moving to assisted living.

[docstudent]

The company did a good job of selling the facility, but I would use my most critical lens to do a deeper dive. My aunt worked for a similar type facility and there is a dark side that is not displayed in their presentations. As a former worker, my aunt vowed never to put our family member in that type of setting. Our family made sacrifices and the family member spent is living with blood relatives. It’s an uphill fight, but NO one will take care of your loved one like family. It’s time consuming, life altering, and everything else under the Sun. My aunt saw firsthand what went on behind the scenes and could not believe that families were charged $12,000 a month for such unspeakable care.