Combined expenses

[kork13]

I apologize if this sounds accusatory or offensive... But I read all of this wondering "Why don't you just get it over with & marry the girl?" You're behaving like a married couple, and seem to think of her as little different than a wife, so why not make it official & resolve at least that side of the problem? It would at least reassure her that you aren't trying to back out of the relationship. I know I'm biased because I married my wife after a 9 month engagement, during 6 months of which I was deployed overseas... But I've never understood the motivation to have a extended engagement.

The concern about controlling your spending is a totally separate issue, and keeping separate accounts is absolutely NOT the way you want to deal with it. That would be the same as sticking your head in the sand while the other is drowning. It ignores & intentionally hides the problem from one another. You need to sit down with her & talk about your concerns, not what you think is the answer. Discuss your concerns, and talk together about how you both want to deal with the problem. If you want the solution to be effective for both of you, the course of action must also be chosen by both of you.

[disneysteve]

Why don't you just get it over with & marry the girl?

Actually, I was going to ask when the wedding is. If it is relatively soon, I think that solves the problem because then having everything joint ceases to be a problem. If there are no plans to get married, then I think the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about how you handle money going forward, and that might involve extricating yourselves from the joint arrangement you currently have.

[LuckyJB]

I'm really feeling the advice here, its appreciated.

To clear a couple things up.

She is not a heavy spender nor have I seen her be an avid saver. We tend to have discretionary income and with this income for the past 6 months has been put towards paying small cc debt. Bulk payments. We both are on the same page about this.

Yes, there are some other underlying issues. She needs to finish nursing school first (she works not FT)- we agreed on this 2 years ago in order to pursue marriage plans. This has been delayed several times. Again, an issue I still don't understand. In my opinion - you work on priorities first. I didn't get to where I am at now without making IT my BIGGEST ROCK.

As for me, I'm going to take the "I'm sorry route" and pick up where we left off. Come up with an agreeable plan that works for both of us and that she is ok with.

[tripods68]

Married couple should have monthly budget. With a budget you give each other play money, allowances---as part of your discretionary spending.

Unmarried couple should have a separate budget, paying their own. Often times it's difficult to stay within a budget due to not having accountable partner, lack of poor communication without a goal or a purpose.

I do agree, if your are both shacking together with a combined account for several years now. The only part that is missing: marriage.

[disneysteve]

She needs to finish nursing school first (she works not FT)- we agreed on this 2 years ago in order to pursue marriage plans.

None of my business, I suppose, and not necessarily relevant to the topic (though it might be), but what does this mean exactly? Are you saying she doesn't want to get married until she's done school? Or is it a financial thing where you can't afford the dream wedding until she has a full time nursing income? Or something else entirely.

[LuckyJB]

I apologize if this sounds accusatory or offensive... But I read all of this wondering "Why don't you just get it over with & marry the girl?" You're behaving like a married couple, and seem to think of her as little different than a wife, so why not make it official & resolve at least that side of the problem? It would at least reassure her that you aren't trying to back out of the relationship. I know I'm biased because I married my wife after a 9 month engagement, during 6 months of which I was deployed overseas... But I've never understood the motivation to have a extended engagement.

The concern about controlling your spending is a totally separate issue, and keeping separate accounts is absolutely NOT the way you want to deal with it. That would be the same as sticking your head in the sand while the other is drowning. It ignores & intentionally hides the problem from one another. You need to sit down with her & talk about your concerns, not what you think is the answer. Discuss your concerns, and talk together about how you both want to deal with the problem. If you want the solution to be effective for both of you, the course of action must also be chosen by both of you.

In her eyes, we are married without the paper. Um, in my eyes we aren't married.
Sorry...getting married doesn't resolve the problem. Working on communication and common ground and working on major priorities first is the resolution here. Thats why people divorce so quick.

Im not old fashion and don't jump that high fast enough. Slow and steady wins the race.

[disneysteve]

Sorry...getting married doesn't resolve the problem.

When I said getting married solves the problem, what I meant was it solves the problem of an unmarried couple having joint finances. It's fine for a married couple to do so. It's not okay for single people to do so.

I did not mean it fixed any disagreements about how to handle money as a couple. I totally agree that communication is key, with finances and with all aspects of marriage really. And that comes from a guy coming up on his 25th anniversary in a few months.

[disneysteve]

In her eyes, we are married without the paper.

Whether she agrees with the system or not, that simply isn't true legally speaking. That "paper" totally changes things particularly in regard to financial matters.

[LuckyJB]

None of my business, I suppose, and not necessarily relevant to the topic (though it might be), but what does this mean exactly? Are you saying she doesn't want to get married until she's done school? Or is it a financial thing where you can't afford the dream wedding until she has a full time nursing income? Or something else entirely.

Initially (2 years ago) we put it back a year because she didn't want to be stressed w/ planning for it. So I said sure. This would be the year it would have happened.

She then put school on hold this past year (her own issues). I have been pushing her to go back/finish and I think *crossing my fingers* she goes next month and FINISHES!. She isn't much of a plan of attack person so I don't know where her head is at w/ (finances changing,work decreasing, etc) preparing for when she does go back.

Soon with that said, there is no date set, no planning going on, it just gets pushed back.

We aren't dream wedding goers. Simple is fine.

[LuckyJB]

When I said getting married solves the problem, what I meant was it solves the problem of an unmarried couple having joint finances. It's fine for a married couple to do so. It's not okay for single people to do so.

I did not mean it fixed any disagreements about how to handle money as a couple. I totally agree that communication is key, with finances and with all aspects of marriage really. And that comes from a guy coming up on his 25th anniversary in a few months.

No, you're comments are appreciated congrats on your anniversary!

[LuckyJB]

Whether she agrees with the system or not, that simply isn't true legally speaking. That "paper" totally changes things particularly in regard to financial matters.

agreed.

[disneysteve]

I don't know where her head is at w/ (finances changing,work decreasing, etc) preparing for when she does go back.

And that's where communication becomes critical. If you don't know how she is feeling about something that's important to both of you, you need to find out. Make a nice dinner. Have a couple of drinks. And talk about it.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

The paper gives financial protection. Does it change anything else? Nope. I can attest to that. we got married then hide for a year while we planned the wedding my parents wanted. Was it any different? No. But financially i think it important.