Anyone reluctant to divorce due to finances?

[GoodSteward]

I used to work with someone (a total scumbag of a man) that would routinely have affairs and cheat on his wife. His wife was aware of it, but she stayed with him. He was the vice president of the company and was making a substantial income. She stayed for that reason alone. That's about as hollow as it gets.

Some people have open relationships to be free but still come home to someone, or something I guess. I don't know how they justify that. It makes no sense to me to be married if you want to sleep around.

I wouldn't be surprised if the wife in that scenario wasn't cheating too, then.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I've known couples who live separately but never divorce because it would cost too much.

[StormRichards]

I know for us it was. We were working opposite shifts, and had been for so long we considered ourselves single. I was a single parent dealing with two toddlers every evening while she was at work. It's what we had to do but as soon as the opportunity came up for her to quit work and stay at home we took it. I'm not sure if we would still be together if we hadn't finally had that relief.

I've never considered a divorce because I don't believe in divorcing, but that doesn't mean I haven't questioned leaving more than once. However, I stuck it out and worked it out(still working on it) and we've been together 11 years now. Life happens and one of the biggest lies we can think is that we married the wrong person. Everybody has problems, and there is nobody that will magically make your own problems no longer be problems. To anybody that is in need of help I suggest a weekend to remember marriage retreat. We had an awesome time.

As far as the OP. "It's cheaper to keep her" is what I always hear from others. Not to mention this leaves lasting scars on children. Parents always consider their own happiness and assume the children are indifferent. When you break a home, you break the whole thing. Just some things to remember.

Thank you for your insight. Although I fully support an upbringing with a stay at home parent, I am not sure it is the main factor for a healthy marriage. There are plenty of marriages that result in divorce despite a parent staying home to raise the kid(s).

Take your situation for example. What if you both stayed in the workforce BUT were able to work similar hours? Don't you think your marriage would still be healthy?

[TexasHusker]

Do you think her decision to be a SAHM is a main factor for the health of your marriage?

If not, I am not really sure how your response is relevant to the topic.

No question that her being a stay-at-home mom has been healthy for our marriage, and for our family in general. When kids are institutionalized at 8 weeks old while mom and dad are off chasing dollars and dreams, a lot of problems crop up. Of course, that's about as anti-PC as you can get in today's world, but it doesn't make it any less true.

[FLA]

I'm all for whatever a woman or a couple chooses. There have been studies done showing children thrive in daycare just as they do at home.

Not everyone is chasing dollars and dreams, some need two incomes to put food on the table. Or should the woman stay home, not marry the dad so she can get benefits and the dad works for cash under the table as has been remarked upon here? You can't have it both ways.

[TexasHusker]

I'm all for whatever a woman or a couple chooses. There have been studies done showing children thrive in daycare just as they do at home.

Not everyone is chasing dollars and dreams, some need two incomes to put food on the table. Or should the woman stay home, not marry the dad so she can get benefits and the dad works for cash under the table as has been remarked upon here? You can't have it both ways.

The vast majority of dual working spouses could get by quite easily on one income, but not for the Suburban payment and other miscellaneous extras. It is a matter of core values.

Where your treasure is, there also is your heart. Matthew 6:21

[disneysteve]

The vast majority of dual working spouses could get by quite easily on one income

There was a book years ago called The Two Income Trap or something to that effect. I think Elizabeth Warren wrote it. It's a good read.

And I agree that many middle class folks who "need" two incomes really don't. They only need it because they've built themselves a lifestyle based on two incomes. If they chose, instead, to live a one-income lifestyle, that would work, too.

[StormRichards]

The vast majority of dual working spouses could get by quite easily on one income, but not for the Suburban payment and other miscellaneous extras. It is a matter of core values.

I don't view living in a good school district as a miscellaneous extra, and the core values you mention are one of the reasons we chose to move to a good school district. We have those core values, but sadly a lot of the families in the city lack those values if they have any at all.

My daughter had practice on a city field earlier this week. I couldn't keep track of the N word and F word count. It seemed like every other word was profanity. Not a single neighborhood parent in sight. Kids in the 10 to 13 years old range.

Going to a different school than these delinquents is not a miscellaneous extra. It is a necessity for my child to retain the core values we are teaching them at home.

[GoodSteward]

There was a book years ago called The Two Income Trap or something to that effect. I think Elizabeth Warren wrote it. It's a good read.

And I agree that many middle class folks who "need" two incomes really don't. They only need it because they've built themselves a lifestyle based on two incomes. If they chose, instead, to live a one-income lifestyle, that would work, too.

I agree that a single income could be possible for many, but if it wasn't for my second income in ministry we couldn't. The only way my non ministry job would provide enough for everything is if we were completely debt free. There is no way most families can afford health care, retirement, etc on one income. Even if there isn't a car payment there has to be money in a similar amount saving for a future car replacement. To do all of these things, and stay ahead in life a single income doesn't work. I guess it also depends on what income. Around 75k$ and up would work. Otherwise you will cut something, and most cut savings and retirement.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

GS I think the problem is that at the lower incomes you qualify for EIC and Child Tax credit to help along. The real issue is that at the lower incomes if you both work, are you making more than paying out for childcare? Yes it makes sense if the people could have kids and work split shifts and pay $0 for childcare. But is that realistic? I only ask because so many making the minimum wage and trying to get along often end up not working because it would cost more to work. Even those making more than minimum wage depending on the number of kids and the price of daycare I know many moms who stay at home because the childcare cost more than they make.

So how can you make more money both working if one income + is going to daycare? So saying the 1 income needs to be $75k seems unrealistic. I think it depends on expenses more and where you live and what you make.

[Singuy]

There was a book years ago called The Two Income Trap or something to that effect. I think Elizabeth Warren wrote it. It's a good read.

And I agree that many middle class folks who "need" two incomes really don't. They only need it because they've built themselves a lifestyle based on two incomes. If they chose, instead, to live a one-income lifestyle, that would work, too.

No no no no no...I need my two incomes to reach my financial goal and retire in a decade.

[TexasHusker]

GS I think the problem is that at the lower incomes you qualify for EIC and Child Tax credit to help along. The real issue is that at the lower incomes if you both work, are you making more than paying out for childcare? Yes it makes sense if the people could have kids and work split shifts and pay $0 for childcare. But is that realistic? I only ask because so many making the minimum wage and trying to get along often end up not working because it would cost more to work. Even those making more than minimum wage depending on the number of kids and the price of daycare I know many moms who stay at home because the childcare cost more than they make.

So how can you make more money both working if one income + is going to daycare? So saying the 1 income needs to be $75k seems unrealistic. I think it depends on expenses more and where you live and what you make.

...not to mention that XYZ Daycare is raising your kids. What is the monetary value of raising your own offspring these days? Apparently not much.

[disneysteve]

...not to mention that XYZ Daycare is raising your kids. What is the monetary value of raising your own offspring these days? Apparently not much.

You've made a few comments on this subject. We get that you are in favor of raising your own kids. That's perfectly fine. I certainly don't disagree. But that doesn't mean that people who choose daycare are somehow doing something wrong.

My wife was a SAHM for years. We still put our daughter in daycare as a toddler because we felt it was a valuable experience for her. We saw no reason to do it as an infant but we're definitely glad we did once she was a bit older. If we had to do it all again, we'd do the exact same thing.

[disneysteve]

I know many moms who stay at home because the childcare cost more than they make.

That makes perfect sense. In fact, I think it would be silly to work if all your income did was pay for daycare. The only possible benefit to that is that it keeps you in the workforce without interruption which might put you in better shape once the kids were older as opposed to rejoining the workforce after a gap of several years.

No no no no no...I need my two incomes to reach my financial goal and retire in a decade.

Sounds good to me. When my wife was working, which she isn't doing currently, we always said that she was funding our retirement. We had 50% of her pay (the max we were allowed) going into her 401k. I wanted to put it all in but they wouldn't let us.

[rennigade]

That makes perfect sense. In fact, I think it would be silly to work if all your income did was pay for daycare. The only possible benefit to that is that it keeps you in the workforce without interruption which might put you in better shape once the kids were older as opposed to rejoining the workforce after a gap of several years.

This is one of the main benefits. Depending on what occupation you're in...taking a couple years off can make things really difficult when you want to re enter the workforce.

Another reason why daycare is beneficial for the parents is even if you only take the child to daycare for a day or two a week...it gives that parent time to themselves. Keeping their sanity is more important imo than earning potential later in life.

I have a friend whos wife is a SAHM at the moment...been so for approx 1 year. Shes having a really difficult time. She always says how she never has time for herself...yet she doesnt want to put the kid in daycare for a couple days a week. And yes...where they live they can enroll a child in a daycare for a couple days a week. Hard to feel sorry for someone with that mentality.