finances before marriage

**Slug** · 04-29-2013, 05:44 AM

If they're just dating, then his commentary should probably just come through setting the right examples unless she asks what he thinks about a decision.

However, it's clear that if they are going to get engaged they will need to have some serious discussion about personal finance before joining their financial lives.

**MonkeyMama** · 04-29-2013, 05:54 AM

I think it just depends. If he is unhappy with her financial judgement, I think that sounds like a pretty big red flag to be concerned about. If they are planning a life together, I think they should be working together more.

That said, I remember my spouse being unhappy when I bought a sports car before we married. He was right and I ended up selling it after just 4 years. But at the time we had been engaged for several years, did not have a wedding date, and I did not plan to have kids before 30. So his concern of my unpractical family car =

I think even if we had a wedding date, I didn't give a flip, because I was so not ready for kids. I wasn't going to buy a boring family car many years before I planned to have a family. I was right because I got it out of my system and enjoyed it while I could.

So we were both right, and the world didn't end.

But, that said, we worked many years together towards the financial goal of buying a home. We did not want to marry until we had a place to live together, and it was going to be insane crazy expensive to rent or own an apartment without roommates. So, if he had concerns about how much $$$ I spent on said car, or on anything, would have been beyond fair. We were always on the same page financially, so was never of issue.

**disneysteve** · 04-29-2013, 06:06 AM

If they are just casually dating, it isn't really his place to say anything. If, however, they are serious and intend to get married, it is totally his place to speak up. Once you get married, there is no more his and hers, their is only "ours". So if she goes out and runs up a lot of debt before the wedding, it is going to impact him once they are married.

If they can't get on the same page financially now, I would absolutely not get married.

**phantom** · 04-29-2013, 06:27 AM

I agree that as long as they're not married, she can do what she likes with her money, and he doesn't get a say. But, I do think it's healthy for them to be discussing such things and see nothing wrong with him trying to sway her decisions. They need to figure out how they're going to handle financial disagreements like these before they get married, and with marriage so close on the horizon, this seems like a great time to be figuring it out.

**Esozh** · 04-29-2013, 07:11 AM

When MB and I were dating, we did everything dutch, and had no knowledge, or really, care of what the other did with their personal finances. She would say that she likes to keep an eye on if I spent my money frivolously, but really, she had no idea how I spent my money other than when I was around her.

We moved in together in October. Even then, I paid my half of the bills, and my money was mine. No big deal. After we got engaged, we combined bank accounts. My money was no longer mine... we started doing budgets, she slashed my spending to a point that I wasn't comfortable with, but from a financial point, definitely needed... and we both started working more...

Your friend has no say over her finances until he puts a ring on her finger. They need to be aware of each others spending habits and discuss those habits, and what the finances will be in the event they get married and make sure they are on the same page - which is what I think your friend is getting at. However, until the day comes that they are at least engaged, each has their own money.

Many couples, even in marriage, have three bank accounts - his, hers, and the bills. I know several people who do this, and it works quite well.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 05-03-2013, 02:16 PM

No they are discussing marriage but he hasn't put a ring on it. So I think he should shut his trap and he's my friend to boot. I just think that they can talk but he doesn't get a say until they are engaged at the least, I think really marriage. A lot can happen over an engagement, where it doesn't materialize into marriage.

**snafu** · 05-03-2013, 07:35 PM

The current statistics suggest 60% of marriages are ending in divorce. A huge percentage have money and spending at the core of disagreement. In my opinion, once the relationship is 'significant' it important to explore each other's attitudes about money. In this instance your friend is already expressing concerns about his girl friend's spending choices. At 36 y/o it reads red flag potential. Your friend might protect himself by following the newer practice of him, hers and contribution for joint bills based on income percentages.

**~bs** · 05-03-2013, 10:18 PM

if they're evaluating getting married, then he definitely should find out more about her finances, and she his finances. But it isn't his right to exert control over her individual spending habits. If it's a shared decision like a car or rent, then he does have rights to negotiate a compromise.

**Sylvia Sandrew** · 05-17-2013, 01:08 AM

It is really necessary to have a proper understanding among the couple about taking decisions not only with respect to the financial aspect but also regarding other matters that can be beneficial for the family. Whether they are engaged or not, it does not matter on her independent decision making until and unless it is found against the well being of the couple.

**scfr** · 05-17-2013, 04:47 PM

Originally posted by ~bs View Post

if they're evaluating getting married, then he definitely should find out more about her finances, and she his finances. But it isn't his right to exert control over her individual spending habits. If it's a shared decision like a car or rent, then he does have rights to negotiate a compromise.

Well said!

**kv968** · 05-18-2013, 04:13 AM

Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

What do saving advice people? Does he have a right for input in decisions like buying a new or used car and how expensive? That was the main argument. Then renting an expensive apartment. I think she should and can do what she wants because though they are dating they aren't married or engaged.

It depends on what you mean by "input"?

Does he have a right to tell her what to buy or how much to spend? No.

Does he have an opportunity to delve into her reasoning for buying said car or renting the apartment to see where her mind is financially and offering his opinion on such things? I'd say yes.

And actually in doing so it might open up a very good discussion on how each of them view financial matters before it's too late. Have they ever talked about these things or are they just going to dump it all on each other after they get married. It's not a good way to start a marriage when after the honeymoon you find out one person loves to spend money and the other loves to save and neither can understand the others' position.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 05-23-2013, 08:12 PM

He told her to get a used car. I told him he was wrong to interfere. He thought he had more say because they are talking marriage. I think they aren't even engaged yet and it can be a bit overbearing. But yes it will affect the future. But no I don't think money will be a deal breaker for them.

**Jerry91** · 05-23-2013, 11:49 PM

If they were just dating and not serious about the relationship, then things would have been different. Now they are planning to get married, they should jointly discuss finance and take such steps which won't have a negative impact of anyone's finances. Also, it should be noted here that bad finances may lead to break up in relationship. So, both of them need to be careful.

**kork13** · 05-30-2013, 10:13 PM

I had the interesting experience of watching this thread play out in my life today, and actually thought about you all as it was happening... How curious. Anyway, I thought I'd look up this old thread and share my story, since it seemed to fit so well with this discussion.

My GF was working with her father (a credentialed CFP) over the phone today on setting up some investment, retirement, life insurance, and loan payoff plans for herself. She had him on speakerphone, so as I was sitting in the room, I was able to hear their discussions. Some of what her father was suggesting didn't make alot of sense to me, like replacing her current life insurance (SGLI) for more-expensive private term insurance, or some of the mutual funds he was planning to put into her Roth IRA. Others (happily) were excellent recommendations, like snowballing her more expensive (3% & higher) student loans to get them paid off over the next 19 months.

As all this was going on, I kept my thoughts to myself -- given the circumstances (it's her father, and we've only been dating for a relatively short time), I felt that it wasn't my place to speak up in contradiction to what he was recommending for her, particularly since none of it was terrible advice. That said, if she were to have asked my opinion, I probably would have pointed out some flaws in the plan, and made some different suggestions. If tomorrow we found ourselves married (woah -- too fast!

) I'd try to convince her that some adjustments should be made.

So I guess I have to agree with most of the previous posters -- until you're married, or at least engaged, one shouldn't exert a controlling influence over a partner's finances. If asked for your opinion, by all means give it...but don't think to drive a partner's decisions if you're only dating.

finances before marriage