Saving for Wedding

[Shewillbemine]

There's nothing wrong with giving or receiving cash. However, the entitlement that guests will pay for your wedding with their gifts is presumptuous and rude. You invite people because of their relationship with you, not because you want them to finance your wedding.

The expenses of the wedding should be planned within the budget of the hosts.

I think this is a matter of semantics. The OP never said "I'm inviting guests because I know they'll pay for my wedding". People just jumped on a phrase out of context.

@DisneySteve: yes it was sarcasm--sarcasm is a method to convey mockery or contempt, hence embittered. If I say "Oh DisneySteve, you are SO smart because you have thousands of posts and hang out on an online forum all day" I really mean I think you're not very smart. The original statement was written to convey that the original poster is somehow attempting to use his wedding guests as cash cows for the wedding day. Something the OP clearly wasn't trying to do.

The problem with this forum is that any amount of money spent over another person's comfort level is deemed "irresponsible" or "stupid". He's asking one type of question and people are hyper-focusing on a comment meant to be an aside.

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I think this is a matter of semantics. The OP never said "I'm inviting guests because I know they'll pay for my wedding". People just jumped on a phrase out of context.

From the original post:

I have explored different methods of paying for the wedding expenses but have not come up with much yet. We're having a quite large wedding and I expect to receive enough in gifts to offset the $17,000 we will have to pay.

OP's words, not mine.

The problem with this forum is that any amount of money spent over another person's comfort level is deemed "irresponsible" or "stupid".

The person doesn't have the money to pay, which is the point.

[disneysteve]

The problem with this forum is that any amount of money spent over another person's comfort level is deemed "irresponsible" or "stupid".

I think there is some truth to this, but the great thing about this forum is that we aren't shy about pointing out to people that they can't afford what they are doing or planning to do. Sometimes nobody close to you in real life is willing to say that, even if they are silently thinking it. Here where we are all anonymous strangers, you sometimes get the answer you really need rather than the one you'd like to hear.

Unlike some of the other respondents, I have absolutely no issue with a $50,000 wedding. In fact, I've been thinking about posting a response to that very point. However, from the information given, OP can't afford a $50,000 wedding. Whether or not $50,000 is too much to spend on a wedding isn't the issue. The issue is whether or not they have the money.

[BuckyBadger]

Unlike some of the other respondents, I have absolutely no issue with a $50,000 wedding. In fact, I've been thinking about posting a response to that very point. However, from the information given, OP can't afford a $50,000 wedding. Whether or not $50,000 is too much to spend on a wedding isn't the issue. The issue is whether or not they have the money.

I agree -- I have no problem with a $50k wedding. If you can afford it. Putting %17k on a credit card doesn't count as "affording it."

I think the part that gets me is that it's not the difference between no wedding (i.e. a trip to town hall) and a "real" wedding and having to put those costs on a credit card. It's the difference between a $35k wedding, which is already a lot of money, and a $52k wedding while going $17k in debt. THAT'S the part that I don't like.

[disneysteve]

It's the difference between a $35k wedding, which is already a lot of money, and a $52k wedding while going $17k in debt. THAT'S the part that I don't like.

We don't know how many guests there are. We don't know where in the country this wedding is taking place. Costs vary dramatically by region.

If you are having a wedding for 250 people in the New York metropolitan area, a nice sit-down dinner may run well over $100/person so you're looking at $25,000-$30,000 on food alone. My wedding in Philadelphia 20 years ago was $75/person. Add in flowers, dresses, tuxes, invitations and everything else that goes along with the event and $50,000 isn't hard to hit at all.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Same here, most place are $100-150/head. Ugh. I think the average wedding in the area for 100 people I read was like $30k, so it may not be that huge a wedding but stuff adds up fast.

[Mr Tipps]

I love how a lot of you are criticizing they guy because he is relying on receiving some money from guests to help cover his costs. For a lot of cultures this is the norm and the majority of guests attending have all received similar amounts from their weddings. If they choose to not return the favor when they attend someone else's wedding that is their choice. A lot of you are forgetting that he has the majority of the money as well.

FYI most people that I know will spend around this much on a wedding and most will receive cash gifts to cover a large majority of the costs. No, we are not rich, nor do we have our own reality tv shows. This is our culture..

[dfresh1988]

Wow, looks like I missed quite a commotion while I was out for the weekend. Sorry for a delayed response; had to be in Wisconsin for a funeral for the weekend.

Don't feel like running through posts to grab quotes, but just wanted to touch on a couple things.

The fact that the wedding will be $4k or $50k or $700k is irrelevant. I didn't come here to be judged or lectured or to be given suggestions to tone the event down. I came here to explore options to pay for an event. Yes, I would agree that the amount of money seems outrageous, but as Steve said, it adds up very fast. We'll have 300 people there @ $95 a person for dinner (before tax and required gratuity). In meeting with florists this week, we've found that just to have two stems of daisies at each table at dinner, a boutinerre on me, our dads, grandfathers, and groomsmen, a bouquet for the bride and her bridesmaids, and crosage for the bridesmaids, moms, and grandmothers will run us over $5k. That's just about the minimum flowers to have. There's all kinds of other garbage like an aisle runner, petals for the flower girl, bouquets for the ceremony, bouquets for decorations at the reception. It's insane. I won't disagree with you there.

Someone mentioned location being a factor. We're doing the event in the suburbs of Chicago, quite a pricey area, especially considering the 9.5% sales tax at the location. So yes, a lot of expenses are not at my mercy.

Photo, you live a sad life. Feel free to stop commenting.

I don't expect anyone to "pay" me for coming to the wedding. Nor do I expect people to know exactly what the wedding costs. It's a standard rule of thumb that you give a gift equivalent to what a plate costs per person coming. So, if I'm going to a friend's wedding with my fiancee and I've heard through the grapevine (yes, this happens) that a plate ran the couple $75, my gift is a check for $150, or around $150 worth of things from their registry. It's not rude, disrespectful, or anything negative for me to expect gifts. My wording was taking what are given as gifts and applying them as a "reimbursment" of sorts. Basically, I'm skipping the A -> B, B -> C and moving straight from A to C. It's all about logic and apparently some people can't follow it.

This was also never about financing $17k. This was about either financing final expenses or financing day-to-day expenses when the final wedding expenses require cash payment and don't take a credit card. I never once thought I'd finance everything I'll have to pay, I was just looking for a solution to the bit I may need to.

I've been to 3 weddings in the same area in the last 9 months. Luckily, they were for pretty close friends of mine so I was able to find out how much they spent. Wedding 1 had 200 guests and cost $60k in total. Wedding 2 had 75 guests and cost $16k. Wedding 3 had 300 guests and cost $80k. If anything, we're on the "cheap" side.

I'm not even going to comment on the "culture" aspects of all of this. If there's a "cultural" problem here, it's certain people lurking around forums looking for oppotunities to be condescending.

[disneysteve]

It's a standard rule of thumb that you give a gift equivalent to what a plate costs per person coming.

I agree with pretty much everything in your post except for this. I think this is nonsense. How much I give as a gift has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of the affair. I give the same amount whether I'm going to a backyard informal affair with grandmom's meatballs or a black tie formal affair with a 5-star chef and a champagne bar. Our gift is based on our relationship with the couple and our personal budget and nothing more.

[dfresh1988]

I agree with pretty much everything in your post except for this. I think this is nonsense. How much I give as a gift has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of the affair. I give the same amount whether I'm going to a backyard informal affair with grandmom's meatballs or a black tie formal affair with a 5-star chef and a champagne bar. Our gift is based on our relationship with the couple and our personal budget and nothing more.

I do not disagree with you. It is a rule of thumb that I use as a starting point in determining what to give as a gift. I recognize that some guests will have a standard gift they will give that may not be the cost of a plate. So be it. That is why I made a complete guesstimate of getting back 1/3 of the expense in cash. The law of averages will keep the gifts from being the cost of the wedding and will keep the gifts from being zero, that was my logic.

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There's all kinds of other garbage like an aisle runner, petals for the flower girl, bouquets for the ceremony, bouquets for decorations at the reception.

It's garbage that you can't afford.

The only mandatory expense is the marriage license. Everything else is a choice made by you and your spouse-to-be. Why spend money on something that isn't important to you? More significantly, why go into debt (which is what you'll do if you spend money on the wedding that should go to pay the rent) for something that sounds like it is spiraling out-of-control?

Wedding 1 had 200 guests and cost $60k in total. Wedding 2 had 75 guests and cost $16k. Wedding 3 had 300 guests and cost $80k.

It's a standard rule of thumb that you give a gift equivalent to what a plate costs per person coming.

Not at all, but it is a promising way to get yourself in financial trouble and probably lose friends. Since friend #1 has a rich family that throws a lavish wedding, he gets an expensive gift. Since friend #2 has an entry-level position and no rich family, he gets something from Wal-mart. Do as you wish, but just because your social circle bases generosity on the budget of the host does not mean that it's standard for most of society.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Culturally speaking, how to say this nicely, some cultures expect people to pay for their plate. My mom preaches that to me since forever. Yes you give a lot more with family but there is a minimum. Not trying to be crass but explain what the poster is saying when he says "rule of thumbs."

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Culturally speaking, how to say this nicely, some cultures expect people to pay for their plate. My mom preaches that to me since forever. Yes you give a lot more with family but there is a minimum. Not trying to be crass but explain what the poster is saying when he says "rule of thumbs."

Another poster has credit card debt because of the expectation of expensive gifts. Do you really just not invite close friends or family unless they're rich enough or willing to go into debt to provide a gift you feel costs enough?

When you're invited to a wedding, do you then ask the host (who actually is supposed to pay for his guests) how much it costs so you buy accordingly?

When we choose to spend money on restaurants or houses, we need to choose within our budgets. But it now seems some cultures are demanding that friends and family operate the same way.