Husband Won't Work

[emanon1501]

She WANTS my help. God Lord. I really appreciated and liked your first post, but this is just offensive and useless to me. I am going to keep trying to help my parents and if you can't understand that, please don't respond anymore to this. I appreciate the criticism because then I know how I can change and improve myself. But not trying to help my parents is not something I will do.

Its not that some people here are being mean. They hear this story all the time. Too many kids support their parents, and it does not matter what the story is, kids should be focusing on their own life. My mom has problems with her money and budget skills, and I will not her at all. She is an adult and she can take care of herself.

Your mom can take care of this herself, for starters, why is she not posting questions here. Why are you doing this? That proves your mom is not doing something, you are, but it is not your business. You ever watch Suze Orman, if so, ask yourself what she will say.

[okstate]

Its not that some people here are being mean. They hear this story all the time. Too many kids support their parents, and it does not matter what the story is, kids should be focusing on their own life. My mom has problems with her money and budget skills, and I will not her at all. She is an adult and she can take care of herself.

Your mom can take care of this herself, for starters, why is she not posting questions here. Why are you doing this? That proves your mom is not doing something, you are, but it is not your business. You ever watch Suze Orman, if so, ask yourself what she will say.

Yeah, I know you're right. It still bothers me though.

[Seeker]

Why are you so bitter? You don't know us. Apparently you don't know how hard my parents (yes, mainly my mother) worked to get here. Okay, a pool? We live in Texas where it regularly gets above 100 degrees in the summer. Pools are very common here, a large number of homes have them. A lawn, who doesn't have a LAWN if they own a house? It's not 5 ACRES, it's an average sized lawn. You act like we drive Bentleys and wear only clothes from Neiman Marcus. A pool and a LAWN in Texas is not extravagant.

So people who have nice things have NO RIGHT to complain about an abusive father who watches porn and Judge Judy for the majority of the day? I see what he does, YOU DON'T. Do not judge other people you don't know. One of the cars is a 2001 Ford Taurus that has been paid off for years. One car is a 2006 Ford Fusion that was bought used, and has a balance of 2 or 3 thousand dollars, but only because my parents wanted to establish my credit. Yes there are probably better ways to do that, but that's just how my dad decided to do it. The other I know wasn't the best decision. It's a leased 2010 Nissan Murano. My dad leases just ONE of the cars. ONE CAR, you hear that Seeker? One is paid off, one has a balance to establish my credit. They lease that one car because we go on a vacation every year where we drive 2000 miles one way, and my dad wants a really reliable car. I know it's silly to think cars with over 40,000 miles on them aren't reliable, but that's just the way he thinks...

My parents have somewhere around 50,000 dollars in checkings and savings accounts, and 500 or 600,000 in retirement. Credit cards are paid in full every month. Any big purchase like expensive electronics or new furniture is paid with cash. Don't JUDGE people you don't know.

Okay, so him not working would be alright if he had four younger children, and left my mom to support them? Please. I SEE what he does, you don't. He sits on his ass most of the day, don't make assumptions when you don't know the entire story.

Once again, you are not here. He is lazy.

No, he is not spending money on anything but cigars.

You realize my mother wanted me to post all of this on here? She wants help. She wants counseling. I am not doing this against her will. She knows about all of this, she reads this forum. I showed her the first post and she approved it because it was posted.

She WANTS my help. God Lord. I really appreciated and liked your first post, but this is just offensive and useless to me. I am going to keep trying to help my parents and if you can't understand that, please don't respond anymore to this. I appreciate the criticism because then I know how I can change and improve myself. But not trying to help my parents is not something I will do.

Your mother and father were married 7 years before you came along. Were they happy then?

Your folks had you and then in 2001 bought a house? Were they happy then? You would have been approx 10 or 11 YO.

In 2002 your father was offered severance and took it. Your mother "assumed" that he'd get another job.

They really did not talk about it? Or is this when the anger became reality? Is this when your father became physically abusive?

Somewhere along the course of this 26 year old marriage, something changed.

You originally said that your father is/was mentally abusive.

Physical abuse is quite different.

I would encourage you to get out of that house and live apart.

Your mother wants help, but seeks it from a 19 year old?

You cannot help what ails them. You don't know what caused it.

You are becoming part of the anger. And that's wrong.

It's wrong of your mother to ask for you to involve yourself. I understand that you feel like you want things to be better. But the reality is that you cannot make it so.

You are threatened by this situation.

You had no part in creating it, but you are contributing to it now. Because you are angry.

Yes, you are right, I do not know you. I do not know your family.

But either way, you cannot really help anything by posting on behalf of someone else.

Nor can I help by posting because the reality is that you don't want to hear what I am saying.

Your mother needs to seek help outside this forum with real people. She needs to communicate and talk. She also needs to talk with your father about the future.

What she'd like to see from him. How much she fears for the future. How much the loss means to her. She needs to approach this conversation from her perspective that she needs help and she'd like to have his help in doing whatever needs to be done in order to move away from the defensiveness and the anger for the future of all the three of you. BUT....

She also needs to hear him and understand that at 60 years old, it's very unlikely for him to get a job. She needs to understand that forcing him to do something that he really does not want to do, will not work in the workplace. She needs to accept that communication is part of the key and if she's not willing to use that key, then there's NO HOPE FOR THAT FUTURE.

But whatever.

Your mother needs to make up her mind. The step is hers to take. Not yours.

Your only step should be to not take sides. To maybe understand, feel and think. To not be angry. To separate yourself from what they feel and think, because the reality is that you cannot change anything about them.

And she needs to take action on whatever she finally ends up with as a decision.

You need to be out of there because all you are learning is hate and fear and anger and frustration. Those things that you mother has already learned.

A marriage between two people relies on communication of expectations. It flexs and bends with hardship and consideration of what that other person is and represents.

Both the people in marriage, need to talk with each other and express themselves honestly. Each of them need to hear and understant the others' feelings and accept them as real feelings and issues.

Only then CAN change become possible from there. Without communication, with just assumptions and missunderstandings, no good will ever come from it.

I'm sorry if what I say comes out as bitter; it certainly is not my intention to hurt anyone verbally or any other way.

You are right that I am not there. That I do not know.

But I do feel and I think I understand.

I know that you want to help.... but there's no help when you take a side. You only incorporate the wrongs into yourself as well... and that becomes another wrong.

I will post no more to this thread.

[thekid]

OP, what exactly is the question you and your mother are asking here?

[okstate]

Your mother and father were married 7 years before you came along. Were they happy then?

Your folks had you and then in 2001 bought a house? Were they happy then? You would have been approx 10 or 11 YO.

In 2002 your father was offered severance and took it. Your mother "assumed" that he'd get another job.

They really did not talk about it? Or is this when the anger became reality? Is this when your father became physically abusive?

Somewhere along the course of this 26 year old marriage, something changed.

You originally said that your father is/was mentally abusive.

Physical abuse is quite different.

I would encourage you to get out of that house and live apart.

Your mother wants help, but seeks it from a 19 year old?

You cannot help what ails them. You don't know what caused it.

You are becoming part of the anger. And that's wrong.

It's wrong of your mother to ask for you to involve yourself. I understand that you feel like you want things to be better. But the reality is that you cannot make it so.

You are threatened by this situation.

You had no part in creating it, but you are contributing to it now. Because you are angry.

Yes, you are right, I do not know you. I do not know your family.

But either way, you cannot really help anything by posting on behalf of someone else.

Nor can I help by posting because the reality is that you don't want to hear what I am saying.

Your mother needs to seek help outside this forum with real people. She needs to communicate and talk. She also needs to talk with your father about the future.

What she'd like to see from him. How much she fears for the future. How much the loss means to her. She needs to approach this conversation from her perspective that she needs help and she'd like to have his help in doing whatever needs to be done in order to move away from the defensiveness and the anger for the future of all the three of you. BUT....

She also needs to hear him and understand that at 60 years old, it's very unlikely for him to get a job. She needs to understand that forcing him to do something that he really does not want to do, will not work in the workplace. She needs to accept that communication is part of the key and if she's not willing to use that key, then there's NO HOPE FOR THAT FUTURE.

But whatever.

Your mother needs to make up her mind. The step is hers to take. Not yours.

Your only step should be to not take sides. To maybe understand, feel and think. To not be angry. To separate yourself from what they feel and think, because the reality is that you cannot change anything about them.

And she needs to take action on whatever she finally ends up with as a decision.

You need to be out of there because all you are learning is hate and fear and anger and frustration. Those things that you mother has already learned.

A marriage between two people relies on communication of expectations. It flexs and bends with hardship and consideration of what that other person is and represents.

Both the people in marriage, need to talk with each other and express themselves honestly. Each of them need to hear and understant the others' feelings and accept them as real feelings and issues.

Only then CAN change become possible from there. Without communication, with just assumptions and missunderstandings, no good will ever come from it.

I'm sorry if what I say comes out as bitter; it certainly is not my intention to hurt anyone verbally or any other way.

You are right that I am not there. That I do not know.

But I do feel and I think I understand.

I know that you want to help.... but there's no help when you take a side. You only incorporate the wrongs into yourself as well... and that becomes another wrong.

I will post no more to this thread.

Thanks Seeker. I was only offended by one thing you said, not anything else. I agree with most everything you've said to me actually. I really appreciate it. I think everyone should stop posting on this actually. You're right, they/we need to go to counseling. Thanks everyone for your opinions

[thekid]

Good luck.

[DebbieL]

It sounds like your father has Borderline Personality Disorder (or something very similar if not that). I think you should get out of the household. Your mother has made her choice in life - she didn't have to stay. She continues to make her choice every day. You cannot help her (she's part of the problem). She has allowed a man to abuse you (and her) for years. You must get out of that house. Your life will come into place so much clearer once you are away from the bullsh*t.

PS - I lived with a Borderline Personality Disorder man for 3 years. It was pure HELL. Get out - it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Even if you have to work during your schooling to do it.

[Bookkeeper-For-You]

Honeslty its a sad situation, but you cannot save them. All you can do is encourage your mother to do what's right. But after 26 years why would she change now. She is the enabler in the relationship and like you said probably doesn't want to be alone. The best for you to do is to go to college and move out or get a job and move out. You need to live your life well and learn from this.

Gotta agree with this wise post.

It's not time for you to carry the burden of your parents yet. That time will come, don't rush it.

Go have some fun! Some day you may need to take care of your parents, and when that day comes you'll need a happy solid life of your own to work from. The best thing you can do for your parents is go create that life.

If your Mom is unhappy, she has the option to pack up and move out tomorrow morning, leaving dad to his own devices.

[thomsoad]

Sorry but the way you describe this I think the problem is with your mother. Your father is described as someone who has always been this way and to be honest with you... He wont change cuz it your mom enables him to be a little boy and get what he wants.

I agree your mom needs counseling. If your dad wont then she needs to go by herself. How someone who makes 100K ayear can put up with an unemployed mentally abusive spouse is personally beyond me.

Fact is this.... only person in the world who can help your dad is probably your dad. I dont think any amount of counseling is going to change his perception of what he thinks he is entitled to. Sounds too stubborn to change until life kicks him in the ass. I could be wrong .. but i seriously doubt this will turn positive.

[JessMiami]

Sad...

Sorry to hear about your story. Your mom needs to step up and put your dad in place! I would say she also needs help, therapy maybe?! Best of luck to you!

[QueenOphelia]

You are both being abused by this horrible individual. Tell Mom to get an attorney pronto and divorce the loser.

If you truly care about Dad, tell him he needs to get used to living in a rented room with a single light bulb that sways in the breeze from his lone window.

[DebbieL]

OP can't rescue his mother. She's made her bed, and nobody has her chained to it. The only thing OP can do is get the hell away from these people. The mother has allowed this man to abuse her son too. She's just as responsible.