Parents cause this?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Here was an interesting question on another message board, that many 20/30/40 somethings live a lavish lifestyle and are always wanting the newest things. They don't want to wait and trade up, they want it NOW.

No starter home, but rather the real home. No condo up to townhouse to SFH, but SFH to start. No beater car then better and better, but rather new car from the start.

And the question was did parents cause this? How? By either encouraging financing of items they couldn't afford or giving them lavish gifts of cash to pay for the $50k wedding, $100k DP, New car upon graduating, etc.

Did we become the I want it now generation because our parents encouraged it? That they say things like "you can't live with such a small house, car, etc." And that's how things became over the top?

Or gave enough cash to make people think they can live like that on their salaries at their age?

I'm honestly not sure. Pretty much all of my friends got their weddings paid for and house DP from their parents. We were the only ones who saved our DP ourselves. Everyone else had help. EVERYONE. Their parents could afford it.

[LMA]

We pick up many things from our parents wether we realize it or not.

So the answer could be possibly.

Then again, we always have a choice. We can choose to follow the blueprint set by how we were raised or we can change that blueprint.

[Mjenn]

I think it has a lot to do with parents. When I was finished with college there was no way I was moving back home again - I had a job so neither my parents or I could see the point.

However, many of my friends were told that 'you shouldn't throw money away on rent.' So they worked at their decent paying jobs and put all their money away for either a downpayment, a car, or even, yes, designer clothes while living under Mom and Dad's roof for free.

I never really understood it, sure you are 'throwing your money away,' but I still think there is something to be said for being self-sufficient.

I also think many of these folks idea of a first house was identical to the one they had spent their whole lives in.

[disneysteve]

I think it is very much the parents' fault. As the parent of a teen, I constantly see the differences between what we do for and expect of our daughter and what other parents do for and expect of their kids. I kind of touched on this in my thread about holiday gifts. For example, one woman at my office is getting her daughter (same age as mine), among other things, a pair of Uggs. I believe she already has one pair and is now getting another in a different style. They are $150. Our daughter just got a new pair of sneakers this week (not a present, just a necessary purchase). They were $59 on sale for $39. This woman is also getting her daughter a laptop. Our daughter got a netbook a few months ago which she paid for with her own savings.

I've said many times and in many threads here that I totally don't understand the trend of kids staying at home until well into their 20s or 30s. Sure life is expensive but parents are allowing their kids to stay there and never grow up and get a life. That is 100% the parents' fault. My first apartment out of college was a 1-room studio with roaches in the kitchen. My furniture consisted of used, hand-me-downs and trash-picked items. I don't think I had a single new item in the place. I didn't even have a bed until over 2 years later when I moved into my 2nd apartment. The first place just had a used sofa bed. Today, kids are being set up by their parents in pretty lavish apartments.

I think the problem is too many parents think, "I don't want my kid to suffer like I did." That's totally the wrong attitude, though. I want my kid to suffer just like I did. I want her to learn to stand on her own two feet and do for herself. I want her to understand that you need to work for what you want and earn it, not have it handed to you.

We often explain to our daughter that we didn't start out with what we have now. We tell her about our earlier homes. I tell her about college dorm life. We talk about how we've gradually upgraded things over the years.

So yes, I do think the parents play a huge role in the sense of entitlement held by many kids/teens/young adults.

[red92s]

I also think many of these folks idea of a first house was identical to the one they had spent their whole lives in.

That is a good point. A lot of first time home buyers probably can't picture living in something that is recently built or renovated . . . just because the last 20 years or so has seen a huge upswing in subdivision development and upgrades/renovations to older homes, and they have likely been exposed to one or both.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Even the idea of gradually trading up is different. Oh sure, there were always people moving to somewhere nicer, newer, and bigger. But it was not a given goal in life to buy-move-buy-move-buy-move until you were in a 5,000 sq ft house or more if possible.

I think a lot of factors have converged to make people so into instant gratification. It was a process, but it certainly accelerated beginning in the 1980's. We were talking even then about the self-absorbed gimme-gimmies, brand consciousness and conspicuous consumption. It just continued and blossomed, especially as home loans became so ludicrously out of line with income. But yes, other things fed into it too, like-- lots of inexpensive imports so that nowadays people have so much stuff that some must rent storage facilities after filling up the closets, garages, backyard sheds, toy boxes, & wall unit cabinets, and basements. Even the growth of the fast food industry and the spread of drive-throughs fed the instant gratification monster. People just got used to being able to get so much of the little stuff so cheaply and quickly. Their expectations have been formed by all these things. And when all around you appear to be doing the same, big-fast consumption feels like the ordinary and deserved way of acting.

[graceful]

They want to maintain the lifestyle that they have been accustomed to. They don't know any other way of living. Never had to "earn" it. That IS the parent's fault IMO.

I have tenants where the parents foot the bill for their rent entirely even after graduation. One Mom even asked if I knew of anyone to help "clean" his bathroom and apartment as it was too far for her to do it for him on a regular basis. Ummm, NO? Everyone does it themselves?

They live lavished spoiled lifestyles at home and truly believe that is the NORM. So, if they ever have to afford it on their own, they get over their heads financially.

[MonkeyMama]

No arguments about anything said.

BUT, I see the exact same attitude from people who grew up poor. I know a lot of people who want to give their kids what they never had, and they want it now. Thing is, they don't know how to achieve that without a pile of debt, and have yet to learn that material things won't make them happy. Most of the people I have seen Jonesing, were never spoiled as kids. They were dirt broke. I find the whole thing rather sad. Obviously the debt and material things are not filling the void they are trying to fill. I was raised well enough to know better.

On the flip side, I have friends who would be written off as "spoiled rotten" at face value, who are quite independent and financially wise. They were handed a lot, but their parents made sure they didn't take it for granted, and that they had a good financial education.

Ironically, the most spoiled friends I can think of, their parents really couldn't afford to spoil them.

I suppose I don't really know any one who grew up well off, was spoiled, and has no idea how to take care of themselves. Though I see it with a lot of my more well off clients. Their kids are something! (I suppose most of my exposure has been to poor and middle class, outside of work. & thus, the financially well off people I know tended to teach their kids better. The poor/less well off tended to the spoiling and "want it now" kids. Just interesting to think about it).

I think there are a lot of reasons that people want to live in the now. I do agree that in this day and age, parents baby their kids way too much, and don't let them grow up. I am sure that is a lot of it, as others mentioned.

[disneysteve]

On the flip side, I have friends who would be written off as "spoiled rotten" at face value, who are quite independent and financially wise. They were handed a lot, but their parents made sure they didn't take it for granted, and that they had a good financial education.

This is me to some extent. I never really had a job until I was a medical intern at age 25. Sure, I was a camp counselor but that was more about fun in the sun and meeting girls. I was never expected or required to work for anything growing up. My parents gave me a car and paid my insurance and all expenses. They paid for most of my college education and helped out some with med school though not a whole lot at that point. To this day, my mom still gives us what I think are quite generous cash gifts for holidays and birthdays. But we were always grounded. We didn't lead a lavish lifestyle. We shopped at yard sales and thrift stores and auctions all the time. I sold at flea markets for years as a kid. And I got a very good financial education at home.

So it is possible to give your kids lots of stuff and still teach them all the proper life lessons.

[PrincessPerky]

No arguments about anything said.

I think there are a lot of reasons that people want to live in the now. I do agree that in this day and age, parents baby their kids way too much, and don't let them grow up. I am sure that is a lot of it, as others mentioned.

Ditto. While adults need to top blaming their past and move on.. Parents need to start letting kids grow up.

[kork13]

All very good points thus far, and I mostly agree. Much of a person's money smarts can probably be tied to parents. However, I don't really think that generalizations based on how wealthy/poor someone was growing up really apply... It's more about what they're taught as children, or the experiences they have growing up. Some poor kids will learn to be careful with their money, and other will boomerang as an adult into wanting everything they never had. Just like some wealthy kids will truly be the spoiled brats that want (and get) everything, whereas some will learn to be be responsible with their money.

On the flip side, I have friends who would be written off as "spoiled rotten" at face value, who are quite independent and financially wise. They were handed a lot, but their parents made sure they didn't take it for granted, and that they had a good financial education.

This is me perfectly, just much more well-worded than I could put it. Like DS, I never had a job growing up (my parents actually told me not to get a job, in spite of wanting to), had all of my needs covered for me, and occasionally received (and sometimes still do) generous gifts of varying sorts. My mother is frequently called 'rich' by her siblings, but really my parents are just smart with their money, which I'm very grateful to have also learned from them. Had my parents not taught me to be careful with the money I have (whether a lot or a little), I might have turned out completely different financially-speaking.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Great points. I don't know if there is a connection really. It seems perhaps everyone in general isn't able to practice deferred gratification.

[minnie1928]

My money smarts came from my parents, but not in the ways presented above. My parents made decent money for the area and bought all the things they wanted. They bought much more than they could afford and subsequently the bill collectors began calling. They had my brother and I to answer the phones because bill collectors wouldn't talk to kids (we were told to tell them that our parents weren't home). As a child I remember seeing lien notices on my dad's dresser for unpaid sewer bills.

When I say that they bought all the things they couldn't afford, don't assume that it was all spent on the kids. We had premium cable, mom had her cigarettes, dad had his beer, mom had her clothes, dad went to the bar, etc. My brother and I weren't neglected...but we certainly weren't spoiled.

So, long story short...they taught me exactly how I didn't want to run my finances. And, after all these years I'm the one teaching them how to handle their finances.

[Inkstain82]

It's interesting how one's circle affects what we think of as normal. I don't have any friends or family that had a $50k wedding paid for by their parents, let alone live in a house that costs $100k.

[Scanner]

I've said many times and in many threads here that I totally don't understand the trend of kids staying at home until well into their 20s or 30s. Sure life is expensive but parents are allowing their kids to stay there and never grow up and get a life. That is 100% the parents' fault.

I tend to disagree with DisneySteve's statement here.

I think in America, the idea of "homesteading" being the only model for a family is a narrow one. "Homesteading" being defined that you are to graduate, go get a home, and upstart another nuclear family entirely independent of the family that raised you.

In China, same families live in the same house for generations and it's not thought of as dysfunctional and while there are some signs of "spendthrifting" starting there in the middle class, I don't see "Jonezing" being part of their culture as a whole.

I think that is the definition of family. . .you encourage your kids to go out and take risks. If you fail, you come back for a place to crash. . .then you go out and try again.

Family's should be the safety net. Not government and law and policy should try to foster that.