Need help making a huge financial decision!

[Ima saver]

You made the right decision, we are proud of you!

[gamecock43]

wow I am late to the party here but: wow.
couple dates short term, gets married and only 1 person is working to earn an income? Said income earner wants to quit work to go to med school and unemployed wife is itching to get out of his parents basement and does not want to wait till med school is over- she wants to buy an expensive condo now.
Financially- although you are going through hassles and issues now with divorce threats, pressure and screaming fits- and you are all alone in this onslaught from her and her father...I imagine you would also be all alone 2 years from now when the bills are piled up, you cant afford med school anymore and are thinking of quitting halfway through, and you are in danger of foreclosing.
And I think she would leave you either way. If you wont get the condo, and also once you cant afford to finance her lifestyle anymore.

To salvage this- I can only think of waiting for her to cool down- and suggesting move into a rental. As a young woman myself- it might be really uncomfortable for her to live in the basement of her parents in law whom I think might be from a different culture. If you pose it to er as a last resort to make you both happy- she might warm up to the idea of finding an apt to rent.
In todays economy- you can find great rentals at greater prices.

[Well Spent]

so, she asked for a divorce, who would have thought , hahaha...either way the green card gets cancelled if your not married for 2 years. sad really...thx for the advice everyone.

SO now you have your answer. You know how calculating and evil this woman and her father are. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet! Be glad it happened now. And be very careful about who you give your heart to next. It it important for you to work with a trusted counselor to explore why you were so vulnerable to a predator. It could be bad luck; but based on your thought process, I think your low self-esteem made you a target of this criminal.

Your story is another anecdote of why I am suspicious of marriage. On another thread, posters advise waiting until you're married to have sex. I can't think of a more ludicrous idea than that. Talk about marrying for the wrong reasons!

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

[moni727]

Well Spent, I must respectfully disagree. I think having a successful marriage has less to do with marrying an under 30, abstinent partner and more to do with choosing the right person.

I am 24, met my husband online, married him when I was a virgin and have a great relationship. I chose my husband very carefully. It was a completely logical decision. I evaluated his family, his values, work ethic, how he planned to raise kids and even his views on finances before I made the decision.

We spoke to my parents and extended family too. If they had given me the red light on the relationship, I would have ended it immediately. We also went to counseling and regularly read books together on becoming better partners.

We are both pretty mature (he is 26), and entered into this relationship with clear, logical reasons for wanting to. Now that we are together, we want to travel, enjoy life and experience it together. Unfortunately, I am laid off at the moment, and have returned to finish school while he supports me. We have made the financial adjustments for our life during the next rough year ahead, and since we are on the same financial wavelength, it is actually easy, because we encourage each other to save and cut spending.

Basically, I think it has more to do with the individual and the individual's maturity level. I prepared for a relationship and was ready when it happened. Most women and men my age don't have a clue!

Good luck to the OP during this rough time. Be careful of her begging for mercy and a second chance!

[blankcheck]

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

...Or you can have a long term relationship fostered slowly, maintain both individual career/educational/entertainment/financial goals, and begin to find common ground with these goals as you move towards marriage, all before the age of 30 if that just coincidentally happens to be the time it occurs for you. There are 50 year-olds who should not be looking at marriage, and there are young adults who waste a chance at a more fulfilled married life, all because they create artificial timelines. There is no such thing as the ultimate lifestyle, be it married or single.

[moni727]

BTW, I feel kinda weird posting my "business" out there on the 'net. Was that too much?? :/

[maat55]

SO now you have your answer. You know how calculating and evil this woman and her father are. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet! Be glad it happened now. And be very careful about who you give your heart to next. It it important for you to work with a trusted counselor to explore why you were so vulnerable to a predator. It could be bad luck; but based on your thought process, I think your low self-esteem made you a target of this criminal.

Your story is another anecdote of why I am suspicious of marriage. On another thread, posters advise waiting until you're married to have sex. I can't think of a more ludicrous idea than that. Talk about marrying for the wrong reasons!

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

I think your views on marriage and sex are whacked. Commitments are not built upon sex performance and age. Dedication, loyalty and love far outway superficial selfishness. You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

I knew my wife was my soulmate before we were married or had sex. We were married at 18 & 20. Despite our differences, I am excited to see her name on my cell phone, we still hold hands, she demands that we snuggle every night. Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

Semi-permanently? Isn't that an oxy-moron?

[Well Spent]

Moni727, marrying at your age has been a good decision so far for you. I don't think RadiatorRT, at 24 already, should marry again until 30 so he has time to improve his self-esteem, explore dating, and complete medical school.

My statement wasn't a rule for everyone to not marry before 30. For some people, marriage at 20 is a great decision. My post was addressing RadiatorRT's specific needs.

[Well Spent]

Well Maat55, your soulmate may walk out on you someday. It happens all the time. You must know that it is a possibility. Semipermanently means none of us know where our lives will take us. Is it wrong to divorce and remarry another person who suits you better during a different stage of life? Not in my book. I don't want anyone to stay with me (who doesn't really want to be there) stay with me be cause we have a mortgage or a child together. Life has so many possibilities and choices. What we choose at 25 may not appeal to us at 45. Love should be a gift, not an obligation. I would never want a partner to stay with me out of duty. That's gross. Passion and enthusiasm are vital for a good relationship. That's not to say there won't be difficult periods and compromises are inevitable but I won't stay with someone because I don't want to pay alimony or because I'm afraid of not being able to pay the bills. Have skills for independence and bring those into an interdependent relationship that could end at any moment. That's all.

Also, demanding to snuggle every night? That's weird. I wouldn't want to snuggle with someone who demanded it from me. Buy her a Snuggie.

[Well Spent]

You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.

[ActYourWage]

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.

Well_Spent, you are giving BAD advice about marriage. Marriage is oneness with your spouse, it is a commitment, not the favor of the day type thing.

Also, demanding to snuggle every night? That's weird. I wouldn't want to snuggle with someone who demanded it from me. Buy her a Snuggie.

You must not be married, I doubt she actually demands it, it is probably one of her love languages that makes her feel close to him.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Wellspent, I gotta disagree. Sure marriages break down, but it's up to BOTH people in the relationship to work it out.

Marriage isn't about changing and leaving your partner in the dust. It's about changing and working together. When you can't that's when it's difficult. If you can, the partner you had at 20 can still be the one at 50.

And by the way, I don't believe in soulmates, sorry Maat. I believe there are MANY people out there that would work in a relationship with you. It's whether or not you chose to work on that relationship.

Perhaps your true soulmate was meet at 15, but you weren't ready for the commitment, maturity necessary. Then at 30, you meet a great person, and aren't ready. But they aren't your 'soulmate'.

I meet my DH young and inexperienced. We've grown up a lot over the past decade, and it's become harder. Mostly because we've grown up a lot during our 20s, and we've changed.

Does it make us less compatible? It could if we weren't working on us. Maybe people who meet at 35 have it way easier.

Our neighbors meet at 36 and 42. Married within 8 months of meeting, engaged in 3 months. Happily married with 1 kid going on 3 years. Took us 5 years to wed and it's been another 4.5 years. We had to grow up a lot. We're just fortunate we grew up together.

One more thing, OP, I married my DH for his green card. Yeah we were great together but we weren't in a rush to wed. Just so happened it was a good idea for his job situation so we did it.

We barely had an interview with the INS about our marriage. It like hi, you're married? Great, see you later. And we had come in with everything from our 5+ years together. They rubber stamped us because we had already bought a condo together, checking, CC, savings, investments, etc.

And we also know people married solely for the green card. 3 different marriages actually and they all got investigated a lot.

[nmboone]

Wellspent, I see your point of view. Don't let the haters get you down. Funny stuff!

[globetraveler]

Eject! Eject!

[arthurb999]

You made the right decision...

hope she gets deported