Need advise. Please help.

[Seeker]

It depends on situation. Sit and talk and get back to us. For both DH and I have gone through periods of unemployment, dependent on the other. If we were harsh I guess we'd not be together. But you work through it or end up apart.

You don't have to be identical about finances, DH and I certainly aren't. BUT you do need to communicate and respect the other person's position.

We're all on the same line Living.... I do not disagree with you.

There's always extenuating circumstances and things may arise such either person may lose their job, or become disabled entirely or anything else. Life does not play fair and by no means did I mean to suggest that everything ALWAYS should be split down the middle. My husband and I do not split expenses equally, but neither he nor I feels taken advantage of; that's clearly not the situation here.

But your last line is the key..... and right now these two people are not communicating properly.

If she's serious about getting her RN, then ultimately their roles may be reversed (one day she may bring home more $'s than he). But we only have one side of the story here.... and nobody really knows her side.

[maat55]

There is two possible futures here. One they could get married and she could get her RN and they could live off his income and pay all their debts off with her new money or they can be a failure as a couple and go their separate ways. The one thing that needs to be addressed now is the financial comunication. Waiting till later will make this all the more difficult.

[msucurt]

There is two possible futures here. One they could get married and she could get her RN and they could live off his income and pay all their debts off with her new money or they can be a failure as a couple and go their separate ways. The one thing that needs to be addressed now is the financial comunication. Waiting till later will make this all the more difficult.

I think i need to address some questions/issues that have arisen from other posters....

She has tried to take her RN certification test 3 times and hasnt been successfull yet. She obviously feels like crap and is really down on herself because she cant pass. Once she passes, she will undoubtedly begin to make lots more money, but the process has really brought her down to where she doesnt work as much as i think she could (and she has also admitted she can put in more hours).

She now has to take in short , remedial classes, that will help/assist in her 4th attempt of passing the exam. The money issue has been brought up before, but seems to go downhill with her crying uncontrolably about her failing, and she cant ever get a break, etc. I understand that , but it comes to a time to pay the piper and bust your *** and put in as many hours as you can to help your situation out. All i am asking for is some help on the bills, food, etc.

Here is the common couter-argument that i am assure will come up by her. If i ask for assistance on the bills, etc....she is going to think "well, if i wasnt living her, wouldnt he have to pay the bills anyway. Wouldnt he still have the same cable, lights, water bills to pay?" I think she has the mindset that I was paying this before she was there, now why should she have to help out since i was "already" paying all these things. Maybe that isnt clear, but im trying to explain her rational thought on this subject.

Another thing she could possibly be thinking is that i havent officially asked her to move in and live with me, but it is understood that is what she is doing.....i dont know, im confused on this ordeal as u can probably see.

Bottom line is that im going to talk to her tonite and attempt very hard to make this a good conversation and hopefully it will go smooth.

thanks for the help

[jIM_Ohio]

msucurt-

I feel for your situation. I think I've been there.

I work a day job. I coach soccer at night. Leave at 7am or 8am, get home at 9:30 pm or 10:00 pm. My choice clearly. Not much time to have good conversations on that type of schedule. I hear this from wife on occasion.

GF is probably working 12 hour shifts, and I can understand how fatiguing that can be, as I do that 5 days per week to begin with. So she is probably tired at end of her days. Question is what does she do with her other 4 days? Do you set aside time to be alone and grow your relationship?

My GF took 3 or 4 years to get a full time job with benefits after graduating college. She temped and went from job to job (at one point had 3-4 jobs in 1 year and 6-7 in two years). Breaking into a career field can be difficult. I remember the pity parties my wife would throw herself.

I will offer some advice on this. I am generous and the most honest and up front person I know, but I am also quite firm and difficult (and no one calls me a nice guy). Put your foot down and don't get involved in the pity party. GF needs to grow up. Not sure what her upbringing was, maybe daddy handed her everything, or maybe the opposite and she was abused and has never caught a break.

In both cases, she needs to be her own person. She needs to make life happen for her, before life happens to her.

Ask her to draw up a worst case scenario for herself. Post it here, please. Might be something like this- she loses your relationship, has to get her own place or move in with another friend. She loses her current job and gets thrown out by them.

The worst case for you in this case is you move on with your life and maybe stop getting some until you find another relationship.

If her worst case is not as bad as mine, she clearly does not see the benefits of helping out a household. Maybe she needs incentive (like a ring) to make this happen. If she does agree to contribute, you should be ready to commit within 6 months or so, IMO.

I promised my wife she would have a ring within a year of us moving into my condo together. It might have taken me 18 months. I know I proposed in December and we moved into condo in June. The years of all of above are quite fuzzy to me. I think it was 18 months after I type this, but my wife has never commented to me that I took too long to get the ring.

In our case I was living on my own for 3 years and wife lived at home with her mother before moving in with me. I am sure the fact wife has never lived on her own is part of financial problem we have. She never paid rent as an adult, she had never cooked until she lived with me (she is a good cook, but did not know how a cheese slicer worked or how to make a cup of tea), she had never done laundry until she lived with me (she asked why all my briefs had a hole in them- I told her they are designed that way for urinals). My wife is the friendliest person I have ever met, so I can laugh about the things she does not know now, and I love her to help her overcome not knowing how to seperate whites from darks or telling her that new dish she cooked tasted terrible (The honest side of me makes a not nice guy sometimes).

Make sure you know what you want out of life. If GF is in the picture, you need to make sure GF knows this. Compromise and communicate.

So this rambling of mine has a few points:

1) You both need to make time. a 60 hour workweek for one of you and 12 hour days for the other will test your communication skills. You need to spend quality time talking about life. Finances are about 33% of life.

2) You need to be firm if this important to you. If you cave, she will see through you and continue to manipulate you.

3) know your worst case scenario. What happens if you lose your job? what happens if she leaves you? What happens if these things happen at same time? Protect yourself from worst case and I think you will do fine.

4) GF should know her worst case, which I think is quite bad considering she is getting a free ride. Where did she live before?

[disneysteve]

Here is the common couter-argument that i am assure will come up by her. If i ask for assistance on the bills, etc....she is going to think "well, if i wasnt living her, wouldnt he have to pay the bills anyway. Wouldnt he still have the same cable, lights, water bills to pay?"

Here's the answer for that:

Tell her if she moves out on her own, SHE will have to pay all those bills. Why should she get them free from you?

Plus, if she moves out, you can bring in a paying roommate who would split costs 50/50.

Also, the bills aren't the same as without her. Does she shower? Does she use electricity? Does she do laundry? Does she dirty dishes? Your bills are higher with her living there and she needs to pay her share.

If she's unwilling to do that, out she goes.

[DebbieL]

I think she has to leave. Without her there, a roommate could CERTAINLY see the sense in helping pay those "bills you would have whether she lived there or not". Dude, she's got some SERIOUS issues!!!!! Big waving red flags here.

Also, her whole "I can't get a break" attitude? Give ME a break! She's been having a free ride off you and complaining that she can't get a break. What does she think she deserves, a lottery win?

PS - I think that failing her RN exams 3-4 times is a little excessive. Does she even want to pass? If she's TRULY incapable, then maybe she shouldn't be a RN. I wouldn't want the person who failed their exams 10 times trying to do procedures on me. Sorry, but I do think there's a problem here. Either she isn't trying (she sounds like a very childish person to me), or she should get into something else. Either way, she can darned well contribute to the expenses!

[maat55]

msucurt

Its better to have this confrontation now as to let it get worse. Shacking up has many pitfalls. You two need to get all your cards on the table and discuss them like adults and not just finances. Get straight with each other things like Religion, children and family boundries. While you are still single, you need to conduct yourself financially as a single. Being a wimp with her now will lead to long term consequences. Make sure to be a firm loving MAN.

[jIM_Ohio]

PS - I think that failing her RN exams 3-4 times is a little excessive. Does she even want to pass? If she's TRULY incapable, then maybe she shouldn't be a RN. I wouldn't want the person who failed their exams 10 times trying to do procedures on me. Sorry, but I do think there's a problem here. Either she isn't trying (she sounds like a very childish person to me), or she should get into something else. Either way, she can darned well contribute to the expenses!

I agree failing a test a few times is a sign of a possible problem. I did fail 2 classes in college and dropped a third. When I took those 3 classes a second time those were my highest grades ever (100%, 98% and 96%). All 3 were in my field of study (Mechanical Engineering) and I could probably ace 2 of the 3 again today (differential equations would be a challenge, but I would rock statics and CAD/CAM again).

I would add that turning your back on someone which is having career issues might be misplaced advice. My wife had a hard time adjusting to the working world. She needed to grow up. I felt real bad when she lost a few of her jobs, but I was firm and understanding with her. When we started going out, I made more than 2X what she did. Over time she now makes 2/3 of what I do, and it's clear she'll make more than me within 3-5 years. It will take 20k of raises to do it, but her career field (Human Resources) has so much more earning power than being an engineer.

A nurse will probably have higher earning power than a teacher, so consider that when you approach this.

[DebbieL]

I was advising letting go of someone who doesn't want to pay anything towards the bills - not because of her career issues specifically, but because of her attitude. I think this chick wants a free ride in life from someone (based on what the original poster has said). I think he could probably do better. Some people are rescuers, and tend to get walked all over by users.

[Seeker]

I was advising letting go of someone who doesn't want to pay anything towards the bills - not because of her career issues specifically, but because of her attitude. I think this chick wants a free ride in life from someone (based on what the original poster has said). I think he could probably do better. Some people are rescuers, and tend to get walked all over by users.

Does she truely want a free ride? Or is she frustrated after trying 3 times to pass this RN certification? Won't she also have to renew these certifications from time-to-time?

He's 33, how old is she? She "sounds" very young in her mindset. It may be age, it may be because she's not had to fend for herself financially or professionally and that her parents provided for her before. It may be that she's not really thought about the ramifications of living with someone else and "sharing" that takes place between adults.

Both Teaching and Nursing are very caring type of professions. I think these two are pretty well suited to each other as people. I am glad to hear that her failures to pass the RN exam are of concern to her -- because this means that she does "care." She's not indifferent, and she's not looking for a free ride or feel that she is entitled. She's defensive, she's frustrated and she's probably depressed.

Communication is a problem however with both these people. He needs to take control of his feelings and express them without her tears having this much of an effect on him.

She needs to grow up and recognize that a team approach to all things in life is what makes life worth living, the sharing and the living together and helping each other gets people away from the sole "live and do everything that I wanna do" mentality. She hasn't gotten to that stage yet.

The way that I would approach this talk if I were the "he" part of this.... is to list everything out. Every bill that she has a part in making and show her how she can help. Ask her what she thinks she can comfortably contribute to each of these bills that are listed. Keep in mind that she may have some very real bills herself (going to classes, books, etc. are also things she probably pays on her own).

If she come to tears, let her cry. She needs to burn off her frustrations. But you also can ask if there's any way you can help her to learn what she needs to learn to pass the RN test. You teach and while RN and sports are different, it's the help and thought that counts too. If you work together on her future, maybe she will be more considerate of what you're asking from her.

You can point out that if you get a paying renter, that he or she would have no problems paying 50% of utilities, rent for the room, etc. But I wouldn't necessarily do that unless you really are totally frustrated with her at this point and don't see her ever passing the test or helping financially. Only you can determine whether or not you want to get out of this relationship.... but 3 years is a long time. I don't get the sense that you want to throw that away either.

[maat55]

I think seeker is saying that sensitive guy needs to come to the plate. Sensitive guy usually strikes out. Get up there and swing away.

[Scanner]

Agree w/DisneySteve. . .your household expenditures will be higher with another person living there.

I think the whole discussion is about making a "gesture" of some kind, which you would appreciate.

She should get a Board Review Course (book, seminar, something) to help her pass the board. Some people aren't test takers and I would imagine with 3 tries, she probably fits into that category.

Does her profession have a time limit on being board eligible? I think 3 tries were the maximum on my rad. tech. and chiro. license. I hope that isn't the case for her. (mabye that's what the remediation is about)

I am going to go for my CT Board certification soon and they have a 3 tries rule. . .I'm going in blind my first try. If I pass, great (probably 60/40 chance of passing). . .if I don't. . .I will do board review stuff.

Anyway, it's about compromise. . .there should be some kind of compromise to be had here.

Good luck.

[aida2003]

Well, I think it's not fair that your GF doesn't help you out. She works less, she doesn't really help at home, so what does she do all the time? Sits as a princess while you plough as a horse??
It really feels she takes advantage of you. I think it would be super fair of her to give you $100/wk to cover household expenses: uties, food and the rest little bit for mortgage.
What does she do with her money? Hopefully she's saving and not shopping for frivolous stuff (=clothes/shoes) every day.

And I agree with others that until you get rid of your CC debts (at least), you should cut down on your cell and cable. I'm sure you won't lose much of trivia on TV if you do that. You might find that facing less TV will enrich your life in other ways.

Good luck!