Need advise. Please help.

[jIM_Ohio]

If the original poster has to tread lightly with his GF, then this may suggest that she is morally not good enough for him. And if his demand, and yes I mean demand, causes the GF to get upset, or leave, then this only proves just how immoral she is, and he should be glad to move his relationship with her to it's logical conclusion: bye-bye. He will show weakness, and spinelessness if he "treads lightly", sending the wrong signal to her.

The question of whether he values his relationship with the GR is the wrong question. The better question is: "Will the GF respect his rightful, fair, and morally good demand to pay the money?". If she leaves, then good riddens, yea?

People mistreat others because they're allowed to.

I was married twice. And in both occassions, my wives would agree to a particular savings plan, then out of the blue, days or weeks or months later, $8,500 gone! $2,500 gone! Now we're talking integrity issues, of the type that warrants divorce. Because if a relationship has no bases in integrity, then it has nothing, yea?

Was Married twice- you didn't get it right the second time, either?

I have no doubt I married the right woman. Even though two different times some key savings disappeared from the account through frivolous spending. If finances do not meet initially, it is not a deal breaker- that is why I said tread lightly so when mistakes happen they can be corrected.

It just took some time for me to engineer a solution in my own situation.

1) we have 5 different accounts. 3 of the accounts have no debit card access at one bank. This bank is 100% automated. money goes in, money goes out, each month, by design, accumulates a little (like $40/month). CDs for the emergency fund are with this same bank and out of scope of the atm card we have.

2) The EF is in CDs so it is not reflected in account balances

3) the use of credit cards has gone down considerably

4) wife pays most of bills month to month, I invest all the money in the household.

In case of situation where being married 2 times and $8500 disappears, I want to ask why $8500 was tied to a checking account/ atm account. That doesn't sound like something I would want month to month.

OP is about my age, makes a decent living and is trying to get ahead. I see no problem with SO contributing something. How to approach it can be as creative as putting utilities in SO's name, or using SO's money to pay off debt, or using SO's money to contribute to IRA. In our house the paychecks are divided up to where mine pays mortgage and is invested (if mortgage did not exist, my job is not needed) and my wife's pays for the cars and utilities (if no car payments, we could save around 50-75% of her check). Maybe come up with a compromise like that. Just keep the assets which appreciate in your name, and look into common law marriage issues within your state.

[lovcom]

Was Married twice- you didn't get it right the second time, either?

OP is about my age, makes a decent living and is trying to get ahead. I see no problem with SO contributing something. How to approach it can be as creative as putting utilities in SO's name, or using SO's money to pay off debt, or using SO's money to contribute to IRA. In our house the paychecks are divided up to where mine pays mortgage and is invested (if mortgage did not exist, my job is not needed) and my wife's pays for the cars and utilities (if no car payments, we could save around 50-75% of her check). Maybe come up with a compromise like that. Just keep the assets which appreciate in your name, and look into common law marriage issues within your state.

My, are we rude or what? You can give it, but are you man enough to take it? It seems you got your first marriage wrong too! I won't belly ache to the moderator, and so lets see if you are man enough to receive as good as you give ;-) No hard feelings on my part...hope the same for you, friend.

As to the rest of your post, no the OP does not make a decent living. Sure he has a very respectable job, is in a very honorable career, and I suspect he is a very good man, but no, he does not make a decent living because this country refuses to pay him his worth, and that is just sad. And to make matters worse, he has large educational loans to pay off.

It would be unwise to put the SO's name on utilities, and equally very unwise to haver the SO pay down his debt. This is only asking for more potential headaches in the future should their relationship go south. There are issues of comingling funds, common law marriage issues, and god forbid, her ability to legally "earn" a piece of his equity.

It would be far better for the OP to receive a monthly rent check from the SO, and perhaps that check would also include her half of the utilities and other recurring sundry items. In this way, there is never a tie to her money and his asset, her money and his debt. Keep it separate and clean.

If a good man like the OP allows a SO to mingle into his affairs, his finances, his assets, intertwine her tinticles into his life to the point of making it very painful or impossible to detach from, he leaves his future very vulnerable.

[maat55]

I'd tell your gf that you are getting on a serious get out of debt plan. Tell her that she needs to contribute to the costs of the house or you will have to have a renter move in. I can tell that you want to be debt free, nows the time to find out whether your gf wants to be on the same page. You do not want to marry someone you will not get along with financially. You will find out for sure where her heart is when you do this.

[disneysteve]

You do not want to marry someone you will not get along with financially.

This should be plastered on every lightpost, fence and billboard in the country. It would avoid so very many problems and failed relationships. Money is the #1 thing couples fight about and one of the top reasons for divorce. If potential mates would just discuss finances BEFORE getting seriously involved, we would see the divorce rate drop dramatically.

[msucurt]

I'd tell your gf that you are getting on a serious get out of debt plan. Tell her that she needs to contribute to the costs of the house or you will have to have a renter move in. I can tell that you want to be debt free, nows the time to find out whether your gf wants to be on the same page. You do not want to marry someone you will not get along with financially. You will find out for sure where her heart is when you do this.

wow, thanks for all the posts on this topic. I didnt mean to stir it up like this in a sense. But anyway, I have re-thought....re-hashed this with myself quite a bit and i have come to the conclusion that my gf has to chip in a little. I dont think i will necessarily ask her for help with the mortgage, but i WILL ask her to help pay for cable, water, electric, groceries, and if she wants to help with mortgage, then that is fine. I still think i may ask her help on mortgage. I am just back and forth on this. Everytime something like this arises about money, she always throws in my face the comment "so, it going to be about money huh?"

Well, yea it is about the money when it gets to the point of me not being able to live and have to worry constantly about bills, etc.

I hate even to have a conversation about this, but its gotta happen. She works as a nurse and is trying to pass her RN test (she hasnt passed successfully yet). She only works 3 - 12hr shifts (36hrs/week)......I did her taxes and she mad $19,000 last year. Basically, i feel she could work more, but i wont even go there.....especially when i am putting in well over 80hrs/week with teaching and coaching...

thanks for all the help/suggestions

msucurt

[disneysteve]

Everytime something like this arises about money, she always throws in my face the comment "so, it going to be about money huh?"

Well, yea it is about the money when it gets to the point of me not being able to live and have to worry constantly about bills, etc.

That comment sure concerns me. Does she think the lights, water, heat, cable, phone and everything else just come on for free? Of course it is about the money. That's life. Why does she think she should get a free ride from you? If that is what she expects out of a relationship, I think you need to give that a lot of thought.

I don't know where you guys are, but I'm surprised to hear that a nurse working full-time is only earning 19K. That sounds awfully low to me, but that's a whole other question. I'm sure once she gets her RN, her pay rate will go up.

[jIM_Ohio]

My, are we rude or what? You can give it, but are you man enough to take it? It seems you got your first marriage wrong too! I won't belly ache to the moderator, and so lets see if you are man enough to receive as good as you give ;-) No hard feelings on my part...hope the same for you, friend.

As to the rest of your post, no the OP does not make a decent living. Sure he has a very respectable job, is in a very honorable career, and I suspect he is a very good man, but no, he does not make a decent living because this country refuses to pay him his worth, and that is just sad. And to make matters worse, he has large educational loans to pay off.

It would be unwise to put the SO's name on utilities, and equally very unwise to haver the SO pay down his debt. This is only asking for more potential headaches in the future should their relationship go south. There are issues of comingling funds, common law marriage issues, and god forbid, her ability to legally "earn" a piece of his equity.

It would be far better for the OP to receive a monthly rent check from the SO, and perhaps that check would also include her half of the utilities and other recurring sundry items. In this way, there is never a tie to her money and his asset, her money and his debt. Keep it separate and clean.

If a good man like the OP allows a SO to mingle into his affairs, his finances, his assets, intertwine her tinticles into his life to the point of making it very painful or impossible to detach from, he leaves his future very vulnerable.

My post was tongue in cheek. There is more to life than money. There is more than one solution to most problems as well. I would not give soccer advice if I did not coach and play soccer. I would also advise not giving marriage advice if you are not married.

Back to the money. If gf makes replies "so it's about the money", then I would be more inclined to show her the sidewalk. That new information does change things for me. All the times I asked for money from my gf (now my wife) she understood, and the bigger discussions were what it got spent on, but she has always been willing to pay her share.

The decision is always what to share and how much it is.

[msucurt]

That comment sure concerns me. Does she think the lights, water, heat, cable, phone and everything else just come on for free? Of course it is about the money. That's life. Why does she think she should get a free ride from you? If that is what she expects out of a relationship, I think you need to give that a lot of thought.

I don't know where you guys are, but I'm surprised to hear that a nurse working full-time is only earning 19K. That sounds awfully low to me, but that's a whole other question. I'm sure once she gets her RN, her pay rate will go up.

Well, she is a nurse, but isnt making but somewhere in the $12-$13 dollar range or so, but when only working 30 or so hours a week (sometimes she calls in or what-not), its hard to make any money. It is just frustrating to say the least because i feel like i could be doing so much more with my financial situation if she would just attempt to help me on bills and stuff. This is what i need to bring up to her.

thanks
msucurt

[disneysteve]

If gf makes replies "so it's about the money", then I would be more inclined to show her the sidewalk.

It is just frustrating to say the least because i feel like i could be doing so much more with my financial situation if she would just attempt to help me on bills and stuff.

Speaking as someone who has been married for nearly 16 years, I can tell you that the money conversation never stops. Just last night, my wife and I took advantage of some rare alone time to discuss some financial stuff. I went over last year's income figures with her and showed how our income dropped but our expenses increased and we talked about what we need to work on to deal with that. She didn't say, "What are YOU going to do about it?" She said, "What do WE need to change?" That's how a relationship is supposed to work. If yours isn't working that way, and she isn't willing to change her view, I'd seriously reconsider that relationship.

[maat55]

msucurt

Add up all the living expenses, things like rent, utilities, cable etc. Not any personal debts. take your monthly income and hers and figure a percentage. Say you make 2000 and her 1000, you would be 66% and her 33%. Each should pay the living expenses by that percentage. Sounds fair to me.

[Seeker]

This should be plastered on every lightpost, fence and billboard in the country. It would avoid so very many problems and failed relationships. Money is the #1 thing couples fight about and one of the top reasons for divorce. If potential mates would just discuss finances BEFORE getting seriously involved, we would see the divorce rate drop dramatically.

lol -- true, but you know how fast things change when you are married. Anything can be agreed to beforehand and rapidly change afterward. Or agreed to without understanding that their current habits may end up being 50% of the problem at some point in the future if one of them loses a job or whatever.

The problem usually is not the $'s or lack thereof. It really boils down to agreement and compromise. The fact is that either the male or the female can be the problem and the better money handler should be the one to organize and handle the financial aspects of the household or community.

If both H & W (or GF & BF) agree to this, then there's really no problem.

On the other hand, if one disagrees or feels like they are on the losing end, and no amount of "talk" with resolve this; if both people "need" to control "their money," then the joint expenses should be split 50/50 for current stuff. Both H & W need to look at all expenses and all income; and things will need to be listed as his expense and her expense, his income her income.... and a compromise made.

If one has bad habits, gambling, giving away without reason, etc, they need to understand why it cannot continue. Listing it out and breaking everything out helps the other person to see where the problem is. Again communication is key. Without communication there will be no successes.

IF THESE GUYS CANNOT communicate about money, then they will not be successful as a married couple.

With the above situation where "male" owns house and house is in his name only, then the "female" should be paying say a reasonable cost for room & board (comperable to renting a single room apt). She needs to be paying her half of the utilities. She should be paying her cell phone half etc.

If her income is too low to support 50% of the expenses, then she needs to be aware of this and how much of the current bills are due to her insufficient income.

If talking about money creates a problem now (before marriage), then you know that this may only get worse after marriage.

The male in this case also needs to make himself aware of common-law-marriage since that differs in each state. Even if title to the house is in his name only, the law may make 50% of it hers as well. If she's willing to sign away her interest, then that's fine and good, but it does not sound as if she's considerate of male's situation in this case.

The male here has a decision to make. It's fine to be a "nice guy" but she's the clear cut winner in this situation.

Sounds as if she gets her money to do whatever, and he's stuck with all the current bills of his house. If every time the subject of money is brought up, she reacts that way, then the Mr of this relationship needs to make a choice --- he needs to understand that this will probably never change with her (worst case scenario) and go from there.

[Seeker]

msucurt

Add up all the living expenses, things like rent, utilities, cable etc. Not any personal debts. take your monthly income and hers and figure a percentage. Say you make 2000 and her 1000, you would be 66% and her 33%. Each should pay the living expenses by that percentage. Sounds fair to me.

Actually, this can be considered fair for a married couple, but it's not always fair even then. There's a whole lot more to be considered (I speak as a woman who earns almost twice more than my DH).

What happens if the female is slacking off working because she just wants to take advantage of the male?

She's not married to this guy. He should charge her something along the lines of a room that she would be paying in rent for a small apt. He should charge her fopr 50% of the utilities and 50% of the cell phone ($80 per month means that he is paying for both). If he eats a whole lot more than her, then I can see a different ratio for that.... but in the main, she needs to have some idea of what her share is.

If she's not willing to talk about it.... RED FLAG TIME. There's a problem here.

[maat55]

Seeker said.
If she's not willing to talk about it.... RED FLAG TIME. There's a problem her.

Couldn't agree more.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It depends on situation. Sit and talk and get back to us. For both DH and I have gone through periods of unemployment, dependent on the other. If we were harsh I guess we'd not be together. But you work through it or end up apart.

You don't have to be identical about finances, DH and I certainly aren't. BUT you do need to communicate and respect the other person's position.

[Seeker]

wow, thanks for all the posts on this topic. I didnt mean to stir it up like this in a sense. But anyway, I have re-thought....re-hashed this with myself quite a bit and i have come to the conclusion that my gf has to chip in a little. I dont think i will necessarily ask her for help with the mortgage, but i WILL ask her to help pay for cable, water, electric, groceries, and if she wants to help with mortgage, then that is fine. I still think i may ask her help on mortgage. I am just back and forth on this. Everytime something like this arises about money, she always throws in my face the comment "so, it going to be about money huh?"

Well, yea it is about the money when it gets to the point of me not being able to live and have to worry constantly about bills, etc.

I hate even to have a conversation about this, but its gotta happen. She works as a nurse and is trying to pass her RN test (she hasnt passed successfully yet). She only works 3 - 12hr shifts (36hrs/week)......I did her taxes and she mad $19,000 last year. Basically, i feel she could work more, but i wont even go there.....especially when i am putting in well over 80hrs/week with teaching and coaching...

thanks for all the help/suggestions

msucurt

This is the OP comments about approaching the other about money. Bolding is my addition; and the parts that I'm having trouble with.

She works 36 hrs per week and is studying for an RN exam that so far has been unsuccessful (how many times has she taken this exam? Is she still in school or how much time does she spend studying? Does she seem disappointed about her own failures? Does he think that she puts in an honest effort toward learning this and working toward her goals, or does she seem indifferent to her failures?)

He, in this relationship, feels abused (he works 80 hr/week) and has thought about these things and written them. He hesitates in approaching her about money because of her past reactions.

We don't have all the answers here, but essentially these two seem to have an issue about talking about their needs; communication seems to be a problem.

She's got a defensive reaction to his bringing up the subject of money. And he's the "nice guy" who does not help by avoiding the real issue. The real issue seems to be feelings here.... in reality this should not be a problem if both people are truely giving their all to their respective goals. The real issue is communication.

The problem is that the male feels the financial burden and the lack of financial sharing; and she does not seem to want to talk about it.

Does she truly care about him? Or them, as a couple? Is she using him? If they cannot communicate verbally about what they need and want for each other, then there's no future in this relationship. If she cannot share, or does not care, then he needs to make a decision for his sanity.