The Expectations of Society

[bjl584]

I thought this story was interesting.
It speaks to the expectations that society in general expect people to follow.
People can't get past the fact that the person in this post is young and doesn't work.




My parents both passed and I’m the primary carer for my 96 year old Grandma. She doesn’t have complex medical needs (feeding, bathing) but she is limited mobility and needs help with her healthcare, groceries, cleaning and managing her portfolio of commercial properties.

Dad passed in 2011 and then Mum passed very suddenly in 2019. Long story incredibly short our family planning changed and I needed to care for my Grandma’s end of life. I’m happy to do this as I love my Grandma very dearly. The family is just her and I now.

Because both my parents died I was left with enough money to buy a beautiful house. My Grandma used some of her profits from her commercial property portfolio to support my late Mother during her life - she now gives that to me so that I can pay my bills while I care for her.

I’m not rolling in money but I’m able to pay my bills, pursue my hobbies and care for a person I love without financial stress. I’m aware of how lucky this makes me and I’m very grateful.

So, I have a beautiful home and I don’t work. People always ask me “What do you do for work?” when I’m in business small talk situations, or when I’m chatting on dating and friendship making apps. I have a Masters in Education and I did management in retail before my life got turned upside down.

I feel guilty lying and saying I still work casually in retail. I also don’t like “keeping track” of the lies. It doesn’t have much to do with the ethics of a white lie, more so I don’t like misrepresenting myself to people. I’ve tried “I care for my Grandma” and “I’m semi-retired” but this always leads to the same perplexed looks and awkward questions - “but you have a nice house? How do you pay for it? How do you afford to live?” Then I’m left to either explain rationally what my situation is, which makes people incredibly uncomfortable because it’s all about death and trauma, or they’re resentful of my situation and think it’s wonderful my parents are dead and that u should feel lucky for my economic windfall.

I find myself feeling extreme guilt over the fact that I don’t work. I also struggle with isolation and loneliness, as well as depression lingering from my Mum’s death. I’m in therapy and doing my best to work through the trauma but it’s a long term problem.

I’m trying to date (gay, if that makes a difference) and I’m trying to make friends, but this “get to know you” question comes up so soon in the process and leads to such a complicated answer it becomes a turn off for people. I’m not “trauma dumping”, I’m in control of my grief but in order to explain my situation I have to tell others about it.

People get this “look” in their eyes when I say I don’t work - they want to know why. How did I escape modern capitalism? (I didn’t) If I just say “I’m not working currently” they keep pressing. In dating situations I can understand but when I’m speaking with health care workers, bank tellers, shop assistants, tradespeople etc etc. Then I’m either set up to talk about my dead family (I don’t want to) or I’m forced to keep track of small lies. I don’t want to have to manage other people’s opinions of my unique situation. I’m obviously speaking about situations where the other person doesn’t “need to know” or isn’t trying to know me intimately.

I spend my spare time working on my hobbies but my depression isn’t helped by long stints alone when my Grandma doesn’t need my help. I’m trying to make connections but I’m feeling guilt and shame over being in my mid 30s, after holding a job since I was 16, and not working.

I’m aware of the complexities of inheritance of property in the modern housing crisis. It’s deeply unfair that I own a home when others don’t. I understand why people try and tell me that I’m “lucky” to have a home, but also my parents were both dead before I was 30. Both things can be true but I wish people were more empathetic about my grief just because it came with an economic windfall.

So, TLR - I don’t work, but I’m financially solvent. I care for an elderly relative in place of work but it’s not a 24/7 job. I’m trying to make friends, find a partner and chat with strangers but I’m struggling to deal with the weird vibes when they find out I don’t work. How do I deal with the guilt, the awkwardness and all the rest?

[myrdale]

Can you provide a link to the sources of these various post?

As for the guy presented in this story, he complains about having to lie to people, that is a choice. He complains about depression. Again maybe if he didn't sit on his butt all day and did something productive. If he is managing her properties he could just say that.

Honestly he sounds like a leech using his grandmother as an excuse.

[pacerob]

Caring for your grandma is real work, and you shouldn't feel guilty for choosing family over a traditional job. I found BetterMe's corporate wellness services genuinely useful because they explain practical ways to reduce stress, build healthier routines with guided workouts, breathing exercises, meditation, and habit coaching, which can help make the quiet hours feel more balanced.

[riverwed070707]

myrdale's response is a perfect example of how judgmental people can be on this subject. Few paragraphs about their life and he's concluded they are a lazy POS.

I've thought about this topic a lot having hung around FIRE forums for a long time and with our impending early retirement. I could say I'm a real estate investor but if I were offering this person advice, I'd tell them to lean into responses that lead to a conversation they are actually interested in having. Since I'm not interested in talking about my real estate portfolio, I've decided when people ask this, I'm going to say I'm a writer. I don't get paid to write, but I have a Substack and hope to publish a book some day. My level of success in the field isn't relevant to the response.

Secondarily, I actually loathe this question even now while I'm still working a traditional job. I've stopped asking people what they do for a living and lean instead on asking if they have upcoming travel plans or what they like to do in their free time. Asking people what they do to earn money is weird and comes off as a way to assess the person's wealth or standing in society. Culturally, we should just stop asking this question.

[myrdale]

myrdale's response is a perfect example of how judgmental people can be on this subject.

And here I thought we were supposed to offer our thoughts on the situation!

The guy straight up says he is a liar and you expect me to make excuses for him?

He says he feels guilty for not working, and in the next line he complains about isolation. Guess what? He can fix both of those problems by getting a j-o-b.

He has this misplaced guilt over inheritance. If he truly felt that bad, he would sale the house and give the money to charity. Why hasn't he? Because he is a lying "POS".

Assuming the story isn't internet BS, I wonder what happens when the money runs out. That day is coming cause grandma ain't gonna live forever!

If you don't like answering the questions people ask, then don't. No one (save a potential spouse) deserves answers about your income.

[riverwed070707]

I just think if you had a shred of empathy and read the title, you'd understand this is about the pressure society puts on work being our reason for existence. It's a common question starter and generally "mind your business" isn't well received so you think through responses that fit so you fit in. Lucky for you to have not a) lost both your parents at a young age and b) feeling such pride in the work you do you like to talk about it. Poster didn't say he's a not contributing member of society and I imagine his grandma is multitudes happier than the grandmas who are left to die alone in nursing homes because their family is too busy working. A reframe to further how little we value domestic work, which is in fact work, would be to think of it in terms of a stay at home parent. They often have these same struggles - identity outside of being a caregiver, shame about not contributing financially... that doesn't make the work less important, its just not as valued by society.

[myrdale]

He is crying about not living up to the expectations of society.

His father has been dead for 15 years, and his mother for 7. He never states exactly how old is other than he wasn't 30 when his mother died. Here we have a presumably 35 year old man complaining on the internet that he is a recluse shut in, bum with no friends.

It sounds like grandma is doing pretty well at 96 considering she feeds and baths herself. The most he does is grocery runs for her. I'd feel sorry for the old woman, but it's her fault for enabling him.