Problems with father-in-law

[snafu]

Wow, it's pretty difficult to make plans for elder care in a dysfunctional family. Why does DW believe here grandmother's land was 'entailed,' merely in 'use' to father? Were there any documents she can access pertinent to grandmother's estate, will or probate? To the best of your knowledge has the farm been financially productive all these years? Is there any evidence that DW's dad mortgaged the property to access any wealth to use as he desired?

Has the issue of father's health been discussed between the sisters? What is the consensus of opinion? Has anyone of the group talked to wife #2? What is her opinion of health factors? Do you know his family doctor? Can DW mention or send a letter explaining her concerns as a 'heads up'? Is there a family history of dementia?

What elder care is available in the county? What are the costs?

[TexasHusker]

- There is a family history of dementia

- All of the sisters have noted the dementia symptoms, as well as wife #2. Wife #2 says he refuses to see a doctor. A couple of sisters have spoken with him about seeing a doctor, and he's obstinate.

- I asked my wife if they have let his doctor know, and they have not. Although she thinks this could be a good idea.

- Before her death, my wife's grandmother told her that all of her farm land - around 700 acres - was to go straight to the grandchildren, but that her son could have use of the land for the remainder of his life. However, none of the sisters has seen that will. My wife's dad possesses it, but will not allow anyone to see it. The sisters are afraid to call the attorney to get a copy of the will, because he will then call their dad and all hell will break loose. My best guess is that since he's hiding the will, he's hiding whatever the will calls for. He's a genius at this.

- There are nursing facilities, etc. in his town, though they are pretty sketchy.

- The farm is certainly productive - my wife's dad is leasing out out to a a grand niece's husband on a share crop basis. I think it makes a lot of money.

I think someone mentioned earlier to just stand back and stay out of the fracus. That may be the best strategy. He doesn't want us involved - so be it. If has pissed away his savings, then the state can take care of him - that's his deal. If he has lots of $$$ and can pay for it, all the better.

Certainly I want him to receive good care - after all he is the dad of my wife - but you can only help when people want help.

[Fishindude77]

Like others have eluded to, I don't think there is much that can be done in FIL won't speak about it and share information.

About all that can be done is discussion between family members so that nobody is surprised when the inevitable happens. Meanwhile, hope some shyster doesn't get close to him and take advantage of the situation.

[TexasHusker]

Like others have eluded to, I don't think there is much that can be done in FIL won't speak about it and share information.

About all that can be done is discussion between family members so that nobody is surprised when the inevitable happens. Meanwhile, hope some shyster doesn't get close to him and take advantage of the situation.

That would be two shysters together.

[snafu]

It sounds like sisters have a decent relationship and possibly have friendly communications with wife #2. Whoever is nearest, might check county land records to ensure taxes are paid up to date on 700 acres and review any probate details that are public record.

Wife #2 might find it helpful to begin documenting erratic behaviour she and daughters notice to support filing for court ordered care when needed sometime in the future. FIL must be convinced to have an updated Will, Health Care directive and trust someone with POA or the government will take over the decision making and he certainly won't like those results! Is there anyone in the community your FIL trusts?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

you can't see the will. Parents can be pain in the asses. I love my parents and my mom is wife #2. Have I ever seen the will? Nope. Will I ever? Probably not till my dad dies. So these two people whom I love but I gotta say are real PIA are not making life easy for me. Apparently there is a will, i'm not sure where it is or what's in it or what it says. In fact I sometimes can barely piece anything together.

I might also add my in-laws are PIA as well. BIG ONES. My DH is executor of his uncle's will only american citizen relative. I TOLD him not to do it and have the court name somebody. Well a will turned up midway and he's still dealing with the estate when his uncle died July 2016. I actually like the guy and he was trying to get his affairs in order and redo the will but he didn't get to it.

Then turns out my FIL and MIL are still married and have no will. They lived apart for about 10 years till my MIL's boyfriend died and left her the house. My FIL sold his house last year and moved back in with her and sold his business. I don't get any of it. And yes he was living with a different woman as well. Anyhow yeah they blatently said this last year when we saw them at Uncle's funeral. Their answer "well if we get to it. If not the kids can deal with everything."

I honestly don't know whose worse. My parents or my in-laws. I'd rather not think about it. If anything happens I'm dealing with my parents and DH is stuck with his. Sometimes you just shake your head.

[TexasHusker]

I know some people are super-private with their money.

With my father-in-law, I think there's a lot going on there:

1. He's the kind that wants to show everyone how much smarter he is, and that he's got everything under control and no one could possibly enlighten him on anything.

2. He's jealous: Two of his son-in-laws (me and my rancher BIL) have done very well for ourselves. He always thought we would live as paupers so he could come to the rescue and "help us out" - so that he could then control us - but I never took a dime from him.

When we got married, he wanted to buy my wife a car. We were broke with one old car. I said "thanks but no thanks" and within 6 months I had paid cash for her a car.


Apparently my wife's grandmother willed each granddaughter (my wife and her sisters) a certain amount of money. One day he arbitrarily paid each daughter $5K, and said "I'll pay you more later." Later my wife inquired about the money, and he retorted "I've got it all invested!"

What an idiot.

[Nutria]

Apparently my wife's grandmother willed each granddaughter (my wife and her sisters) a certain amount of money. One day he arbitrarily paid each daughter $5K, and said "I'll pay you more later." Later my wife inquired about the money, and he retorted "I've got it all invested!"

That's the kind of thing (the woman's estate) which can be investigated through the Clerk of Court's office, no?

[Like2Plan]

I just googled the topic:

https://www.thebalance.com/how-to-obtain-a-copy-of-a-deceased-person-s-will-3505249

This may vary by state, but on the 2 occasions in which I was named in a will the attorney who settled the estate sent me a copy. There was also an announcement in the newspaper with a notice to everyone who was named in the will.

Now, my understanding is a trust is different. When I went to a seminar about trusts--they said one of the reasons for using a trust was it was more private. But, I think that you still need a will even if you have a trust set up because there may be some things that didn't get put in the trust and the will would "catch" those things. (And so, there still may be a public record.)

If I had to guess with the details you have provided I would say FIL is named trustee on grandma's trust. Hopefully, there is a successor trustee in case FIL is not up to the job at some point in the future.

If you were really, really curious, you could also go to the county and do a land records search to see who has title to the land (like is it in FIL's name or grandma's trust?). Sometimes (depending on the county) you can search these records online.