Just reflecting...

[~bs]

my parents irritate me enough that I moved out and never wanted to move back once I finished school. (not saying they're bad parents) I am considered among the oldest of the millennial generation, so my mindset may be a bit different than the younger millenials, who are in the 18-21 year old range

I do think the job market now does play a big factor, and it seems like every decade it gets a bit harder for the average person to make a decent living. Nowadays for many jobs, a 4 year degree is the bare minimum requirement, whereas 40-50 years ago, a college education would set you apart from the masses. Before, you could pay for an in-state college degree on a part time job, which is something I've done. And even if you didn't have a college education, you can go out and apply and get a good paying union job, buy a house, and support a family on the 1 income.

Rent and cost of living in my area has spiraled upwards much faster than the rate of inflation over the long run as well, making it extremely difficult for younger people to rent/buy their own places.

[FLA]

I have a DS in community college and opted to live at home with his dad. My DD however wanted the whole college experience, including not living at home. So she is going to the State U in town but living on campus. Between my ex and myself we can do that without her having to take out loans. Does it make the most financial sense? No. But she is very independent and living at home home would stifle her. She is more than ready to fly the coop. If we couldn't afford it, we would not have done it that way.

[disneysteve]

going away to school is great IF you can afford it.

I had a friend in high school who wanted to get away. He moved to Texas and got a job. I think it took 6 months to establish Texas residency. That qualified him for in-state tuition which was dirt cheap, and he started college at that point.

If there's a will, there's a way.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

So many factors and so many changes. I looked my university is quite a bit more now than when I went. DH lived at home and I went away. Different experiences. He wants our DKs to go away. But then again we'll cross the bridge when we get there. You never know what each child will do.

[Thrif-t]

I had a friend in high school who wanted to get away. He moved to Texas and got a job. I think it took 6 months to establish Texas residency. That qualified him for in-state tuition which was dirt cheap, and he started college at that point.

If there's a will, there's a way.

Sure that's fine, and I'm all for working for what you want, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Some kids just move away and take loans to finance their living away; that's what I'm yapping about.

But really I don't even blame the kids even though they are adults I don't feel they know any better, but the parents should! Most don't and that's sad too.

[Gailete]

I just felt bad for the kids watching them move all their stuff back in and think what a drag to have to come back home after being gone for 4 years that's all.
Like

When I came back from college I had exactly one more box than I had left with 4 years prior and that held my books and class notes. I was fortunate that a guy from college was going to be driving near my home and volunteered to drop all my stuff off, so I had a much easier time getting back via Greyhound than I did going. I know he would have liked me to travel back with him, but I didn't trust the guy enough to be alone with him for 15 minutes much less a good 48+ hours! I didn't care what he did with my luggage, but I did care what happened to me.

I graduated HS at 17. If I hadn't of been planning on going to college in the fall, I would have been expected to get a job and place of my own ASAP after graduating. That being said, at 17 I was also well versed in cooking, cleaning, baking, laundry, all household chores actually. So, living on my own in that sense wouldn't have been a problem. I found though, at college, most of the young ladies didn't have those kind of skills or training. It was the mid 70’s and it was only when I got to college that I had my first pizzeria pizza. We had always eaten homemade pizza and that included making the dough for the crust, homemade sauce and cheddar cheese. I think my first bite of mozzarella and pepperoni came with the college pizza! I was missing out on the social things that many of those kids took for granted that my family had never been able to afford. I couldn’t commute either as my college was 1600 miles from home. I still remember my campus ‘sister’ having a major rant because her folks couldn’t come to her graduation (they lived about as far away as my family), so it was a financial and time crunch to come out for that.

I just know that whether it was at the end of HS or the end of college there was an unspoken acknowledgement that I was supposed to be out of the house immediately if not sooner. My mom didn’t like seeing kids sitting around the house doing nothing. It didn’t matter that I had had a grueling 4 years and most especially senior year since if I couldn’t manage to get my bill paid I wouldn’t get to graduate! I came home truly exhausted and would have liked a short vacation. I’m not sure I have truly had a vacation since come to think of it! Instead in less than a week from coming home I had a place to stay and a part time job at Arby's that very soon became full time. If nothing else at college, I had learned how to work, and work hard!

I think part of what is happening these days is the changes in family lifestyles, the weird expectations of young graduates that expect so much without having put in the years in to earn it all. Family finances also play a big part. I had feared that I might end up with my youngest son for the rest of his life due to his high-functioning autism. Happy to say he wanted his own place and did the work to achieve it. He has been living on his own for 13-14 years now. Every family is different with different dynamics. How they handle things can be very different from other families. And no one way is the correct one for each kid. My ex went to college for one semester. I don't even know if he finished it, but he had such severe homesickness he couldn't stay. He never lived more than about a mile from his folks since them and actually lived with them until we got married.

[TexasHusker]

I think Steve hit on something earlier: The parent-child dynamic is much different than when I was growing up. Sure, my dad was most kind to me when I left home - and in fact I moved back home one or two summers, but he was politely clear that there wasn't enough room in the house for both of us.

I think that dynamic is shifted. The relationship is different. I want my kids to be self sufficient, but by golly if they are having a time of it and want to move back home, they can live here till the day I die if they need it.

[Gailete]

I think Steve hit on something earlier: The parent-child dynamic is much different than when I was growing up. Sure, my dad was most kind to me when I left home - and in fact I moved back home one or two summers, but he was politely clear that there wasn't enough room in the house for both of us.

I think that dynamic is shifted. The relationship is different. I want my kids to be self sufficient, but by golly if they are having a time of it and want to move back home, they can live here till the day I die if they need it.

Makes you wonder if part of the change came about because of those of us that more or less were kicked out not wanting to do that to our children. We did have to send the one off to live with his dad since he wouldn't follow house rules of paying room and board, and doing things like expecting me to cook him meals at 11PM when I was in my first year of fighting illness that was as yet undiagnosed. That bit of time was good for him as it didn't take him long to find a way to live on his own. Now if he needed it we would find a place for him as he has lost those former ways and is a huge help to me.

[TexasHusker]

Makes you wonder if part of the change came about because of those of us that more or less were kicked out not wanting to do that to our children. We did have to send the one off to live with his dad since he wouldn't follow house rules of paying room and board, and doing things like expecting me to cook him meals at 11PM when I was in my first year of fighting illness that was as yet undiagnosed. That bit of time was good for him as it didn't take him long to find a way to live on his own. Now if he needed it we would find a place for him as he has lost those former ways and is a huge help to me.

Yes I think there is a natural recoil effect from how our parents handied us, and that reveals itself in many ways:

My parents were strict denominational Christians; I tend to focus more on the faith than the ongoings of religion.

My parents didn't push me to do anything. Me, I'm knee-deep in whatever my kids are in to. Tonight we are grieving a rough day at high school volleyball tryouts.

Etc.

[Singuy]

Want them out of the house? Make sure they pick a good major.

My coworker's oldest son, majored in Forensic Science, took him 6 years. Can't find a job, currently living at home and working at ABC Liquors.

His second son, majors in optometry..can't see him having a problem finding a job considering my wife is looking for an Optometrist to work for her at a pay of 95k/year working 7 on 7 off...52 hours every 2 weeks. Yes..almost 6 figures/year that we are paying out of our pockets to hire someone to work literally less than 50% of the year. Currently we have no bites and it has been a month......

[Gailete]

Parents do things that we will never understand and by the same token we do things our kids will never understand and the cycle continues.

My mother expected not good grades from us (or at least me) but excellent ones. In Jr. High she told me flat out if I didn't bring my grades up I couldn't go to the library. How is that for a punishment?!? Scared the liver out of me and as the only thing I cared about, along with checking books out of said library and reading them, I pulled my grades up to straight A's and never let them fall again. I loved to read and most of my education has come by independent reading. Some years back I had estimated that in my lifetime to that point, I had read over 30K books! So it wasn't like I was going to lose anything if I couldn't get my grades up. But what became interesting was when 11th and 12th grade hit, there was no help in figuring out potential scholarships, or finding ways to finance college, or even that they would help in any way. My mom did drive me to the bus station to catch the bus for college though.

What my mother says about those years and earlier is she did the best she could and I guess I say that as well, although I couldn't provide college costs to my boys, I did have a gift trust for them that came due when they turned 21 (if they wanted to cash it in) worth over $1000. I knew how hard it was to finish college and go job hunting without even one new decent outfit. I wanted them at least to have money for a new suit if needed, or security deposit, rent money, etc. their choice whatever they needed it for at the time. I wanted them to know that I cared, volunteered to help them with college hunts, etc. Even if I couldn't provide money I wanted to be physical and emotional support.

[disneysteve]

Want them out of the house? Make sure they pick a good major.

You are assuming that they only reason they move back home is from lack of a good job. That often isn't the case. I've seen many, many examples of grads getting good jobs and still moving back home. The parents demand little of them, don't charge rent, and make the situation so comfortable that the kid never wants to leave. They earn a nice income and get to live high on the hog because their expenses are ultra low.

Another situation, as mentioned, is the kid coming out with sky high student loan debt. Even if making a decent income, having 100K of debt makes it tough for them to support that and their own household. By living at home with no expenses, they can pay down the debt and still be able to save some money to eventually get their own place.

There are lots of reasons grads move home no matter what their major was or how good of a job they get after graduation.

[Fishindude77]

At some point, I think you are doing your kids a disservice by allowing them to live at home for an extended time once they are adults. They will never truly 'grow up" until they have to do things on their own and fend for themselves.

The whole college loans thing is another discussion all together. Watching a kid dig themselves into a huge financial hole to pay for college they can't afford is bad parenting. You don't always get everything you want, and there are plenty of other ways to make a good living without a degree or with less costly secondary education.

[disneysteve]

At some point, I think you are doing your kids a disservice by allowing them to live at home for an extended time once they are adults. They will never truly 'grow up" until they have to do things on their own and fend for themselves.

The whole college loans thing is another discussion all together. Watching a kid dig themselves into a huge financial hole to pay for college they can't afford is bad parenting. You don't always get everything you want, and there are plenty of other ways to make a good living without a degree or with less costly secondary education.

Agreed on both points. Although to the first point about growing up, I do think it's possible to become an "independent" adult even if living under the same roof as your parents if things are handled properly.

As for loans, I'll never really understand that. There are plenty of affordable schools out there. If you want to go to a school that is $70,000/year and between scholarships and family contribution, that's affordable, great. If not, it makes no sense to rack up $200,000 in student loans to get that degree no matter what field you are entering. Go to a cheaper school.

[Gailete]

At some point, I think you are doing your kids a disservice by allowing them to live at home for an extended time once they are adults. They will never truly 'grow up" until they have to do things on their own and fend for themselves..

I believe that it depends highly on the person. Strangely enough I married two guys that had both been living at home until they got married (which by the way was par for the course for both men and women up to 70-80 years ago). My first husband was 27. As far as I know his folks never had him pay a nickel for living with them. He had NO home maintenance skills. He was willing to pay the bills, but not for a wife or children's needs - as if it was a big surprise that groceries, clothes and medical co-pays were this huge surprise. The whole time I was married to him, I had to provide for myself for clothing and anything else I needed. He budgeted as if, if the bills were paid everything left over was HIS. He should have been booted out of his folk’s house and made to live a minimum of 1000 miles away so he would have to figure things out.

My current husband married me when he was 37 and had still been living at home. He paid room and board. His workshop for his business was on property that his dad owned (and signed it over to him before we got married), paid the utilities for it so his commute every day was literally walking next door. He built the workshop and then started in or building what would become out house. If he didn't know how to do something, he would figure it out by reading or talking to someone about it. He was saving money and was generous as well. When we got married he handed all the money stuff to me. We discuss the big issues in finances, but for the most part he lets me handle it. Before we got married he had had a bad habit of not always paying his bills on time as he would forget that they were due or else just didn't know what day of the week it was. There were reasons that he had been living at home, but not anything detrimental to leaving home. He was glad to move out!

The difference with these guys was like night and day. And how they handled the money. My ex never let me touch his paycheck or take it to the bank for him (he had his mom do that) while hubby would just as soon not have to deal with money and he is very happy to hear what I've been able to squirrel away.

Every kid is different and you must treat them that way also - differently. There is no one size fits all parenting guide out there as much as we might want one. What is good for one kid is highly detrimental to another.