Ah, visits by cheap relatives -- who wouldn't want that !

[rennigade]

No one to blame but yourself. They'll come next year and you'll do the same thing then you'll be back here posting another story that could have easily been avoided. Hard to feel sorry for you...but on the flip side you get a lot of responses so thats always nice.

[sv2007]

I've been married for 24 years. We both have issues with her mother. When something unreasonable comes up, we BOTH say NO. Yes, my wife sometimes feels obligated to do certain things, but she ALWAYS puts OUR family first. ALWAYS.

You always have a choice.

While I would have just said "no" if these were my relatives, this isn't the case here. What would you do if your wife says "yes" WRT her mom? I mean we have many situations where we are in agreement; but there are some things that we disagree on.

I don't have to totally understand my wife's decisions to know and trust completely that she always put our family first. As I get older, I realise more and more that marriage is absolute trust and there's going to be some compromise.

[disneysteve]

While I would have just said "no" if these were my relatives, this isn't the case here. What would you do if your wife says "yes" WRT her mom?

It's hard for me to answer that question because the situation would never happen in our house. My wife would never offer to let someone stay with us without discussing it with me first (and our daughter if she would be home at the time). And she absolutely wouldn't volunteer the use of either of our cars without discussing that first. Giving up the car I need to get to work every day wouldn't even be a discussion. The answer to that would be an absolute no.

[kork13]

While I would have just said "no" if these were my relatives, this isn't the case here. What would you do if your wife says "yes" WRT her mom

We've had a similar but opposite problem, with my MIL insisting that we stay with them when we visit. MIL & I.... disagree.... alot. She's pathologically controlling and passive-aggressive in everything. So the first 2 times we visited, my wife gave in and we stayed there. Over time, I talked her into staying with her sister instead, which lasted a week, then suddenly we were back at MIL's house. However, MIL finally went too far in dictating things to us, and my wife has finally agreed we're never staying with them again, and that we'll rent a house for our next visit. We haven't been back since, but I fully intend to keep family at arm's length, to protect us from toxic attitudes.

So how do you do it? Talk to your wife. Express your concerns. Continue to do that, and slowly she'll come to accept what is best for your family. However, if/when it becomes necessary, you need to have the stones to stand up & defend your family from negative/destructive influences.

[disneysteve]

if/when it becomes necessary, you need to have the stones to stand up & defend your family from negative/destructive influences.

THIS! 100%. If your wife won't stand up to her mother, than you need to.

[sv2007]

THIS! 100%. If your wife won't stand up to her mother, than you need to.

For parents/parents in-laws, this would never come up. This situation is with a sister/sister-in-law. If it is a friend, I think wife and I would have easily said "no", but I can't imagine any friend would be so inconsiderate.

[disneysteve]

For parents/parents in-laws, this would never come up. This situation is with a sister/sister-in-law.

Sorry. I didn't go back and reread the original story. Same answer. Someone needs to have the spine to say no and put your needs ahead of those of the abuser.

[Petunia 100]

For parents/parents in-laws, this would never come up. This situation is with a sister/sister-in-law. If it is a friend, I think wife and I would have easily said "no", but I can't imagine any friend would be so inconsiderate.

Read that again. If you say "no", you aren't the bad guy; you're just a guy who refuses to be a doormat.

[disneysteve]

This situation is with a sister/sister-in-law. If it is a friend, I think wife and I would have easily said "no", but I can't imagine any friend would be so inconsiderate.

So it's not okay for a friend to be so inconsiderate but it's okay for a sister?

[Outdoorsygal]

This is a very interesting discussion

[LivingAlmostLarge]

You get to choose who you associate with. You can choose to not be friends with people. But you have to be related to your family. I can attest to the horrible nature of family.

[StormRichards]

You get to choose who you associate with. You can choose to not be friends with people. But you have to be related to your family. I can attest to the horrible nature of family.

Being related doesn't mean you have to associate with them. We have relatives on both sides that we no longer interact with due to their inappropriate behavior.

Sadly we let relatives cause problems within our marriage for many years before we started to put our marriage and family first.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Easy to say hard to do. It's easy to say cut off parents. But then to actually do it would make my DH resentful of the relationship we have with my family and parents. Easy to call people toxic but hard prove it to people wearing blinders.

[StormRichards]

Easy to say hard to do. It's easy to say cut off parents. But then to actually do it would make my DH resentful of the relationship we have with my family and parents. Easy to call people toxic but hard prove it to people wearing blinders.

I know all of the above better than most unfortunately.

[disneysteve]

Easy to say hard to do. It's easy to say cut off parents. But then to actually do it would make my DH resentful of the relationship we have with my family and parents. Easy to call people toxic but hard prove it to people wearing blinders.

Definitely. This approach only works if both spouses are fully on board.