Death of a parent and how to deal with terrible finances?

[Fishindude77]

The alternative is that I negotiate as best I can and pay these things for her. But there is a limit as to how much of that I am willing to do because I don't want to compromise my own retirement situation. I won't have any kids to bail me out when I'm old. It's a really tough thing to contemplate, to find the line between doing the good and decent thing for her and deciding that she really did choose to be in that situation for 45 years and letting her see some of the fallout of that. Mental illness really complicates things.

My mom had around $35,000 in credit card debt. I was able to negotiate settlement for under half of that mount, my brothers and I paid it.

[disneysteve]

The alternative is that I negotiate as best I can and pay these things for her.

I guess only you can decide to what extent you're willing to do that. I would be calling each creditor and explaining that her now-deceased husband racked up these debts, she has no assets with which to pay the debt, but that you're willing to give them a little something to mark her account paid in full and leave her alone. I would specifically tell them "you're welcome to sue her but you're going to get nothing as she has nothing to give". If they'll settle for 10 cents on the dollar or something like that, and you have the means to do that, go for it.

[Scallywag]

The alternative is that I negotiate as best I can and pay these things for her. But there is a limit as to how much of that I am willing to do because I don't want to compromise my own retirement situation. I won't have any kids to bail me out when I'm old. It's a really tough thing to contemplate, to find the line between doing the good and decent thing for her and deciding that she really did choose to be in that situation for 45 years and letting her see some of the fallout of that. Mental illness really complicates things.

She may have Stockholm syndrome and there's NO upside to shaming her for "choosing" to be abused. If anything, she probably knows that she screwed up, but won't admit out for fear of seeming "disloyal" to him.

If possible, get POA over her, so that you can better handle her finances, esp as she grieves. Negotiate what you can, using the potential bankruptcy option and her total lack of assets as leverage. If creditors still won't come around and she does not intend to move, and her housing & anything else that would need a credit check, is set for the next 5 years at least, go nuke the debts. If she needs a credit check fod ANYTHING, after the nuclear option has been exercised, then you may need to help her put down a large cash deposit. That might be the cheapest way to resolve this.

And a gentle reminder: NEVER EVER EVER EVER co-sign anything for her. I get she's your mother, I really do, but please... just don't. Offer to help with cash deposits, instead. That's the safest option for both of you.

That's my $0.02 in this matter.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

She may have Stockholm syndrome and there's NO upside to shaming her for "choosing" to be abused. If anything, she probably knows that she screwed up, but won't admit out for fear of seeming "disloyal" to him.

If possible, get POA over her, so that you can better handle her finances, esp as she grieves. Negotiate what you can, using the potential bankruptcy option and her total lack of assets as leverage. If creditors still won't come around and she does not intend to move, and her housing & anything else that would need a credit check, is set for the next 5 years at least, go nuke the debts. If she needs a credit check fod ANYTHING, after the nuclear option has been exercised, then you may need to help her put down a large cash deposit. That might be the cheapest way to resolve this.

And a gentle reminder: NEVER EVER EVER EVER co-sign anything for her. I get she's your mother, I really do, but please... just don't. Offer to help with cash deposits, instead. That's the safest option for both of you.

That's my $0.02 in this matter.

THIS!!!! I am not going to fix any of my mom's problems until my dad dies. She was horrified when I said this trip. But I said you guys won't accept help. You make poor financial decisions (stolen money, not sure where the money goes), etc. But they are "Adults" and they do not see me as an adult. My mom argues with my dad because they each "pay" some of the bills but then he forgot and she got upset. And then they won't talk to her because stuff is in his name only, etc. So I figure there is not much to say to people who don't want help and you can't point out the stupid. I mean I already did a couple of times i Found stuff like "letters from the IRS" and they have a CPA who told them they were being ripped off. But their investment advisor came from a "good" family (small town mentality of shame in leaving an "investiment" advisor).

When my dad dies my mom doesn't know anything about investing or money so I will move everything into her name and manage it for her from afar. I will give her an allowance and do all banking/checking and investments. I will also do her taxes and remind her about bills. Did I mention that my parents use their good "friend' Stan for insurance (again small town) and so when their condo had a leak the insurance company he put on refused to pay out. It was a small shady company he obviously had kickback from. So when I got pissed about the car, home, etc, asking why they weren't with a big name legitimate company my mom's answer? Well Stan knows what he's doing. I mean she tried to argue until I got on the phone and reamed them out and said if they didn't pay I would hire a lawyer for my parents. The cost of repairs plus hotel was about $80k. UGGGH.

But did they switch? NOPE. They are still with Stan and whatever crap he put them in. I begged they please use just state farm, all state, ING, progressive. I said ABSOLUTELY ANYONE who had a big name and not a no name insurance company. I didn't even care if it wasn't cheap. I begged. Did it happen? Nope.

Same with the bank they use. Sometimes you can't help stupid. And that's how i view my parents. Stupid with money. But at least they have enough.

[HundredK]

She may have Stockholm syndrome and there's NO upside to shaming her for "choosing" to be abused. If anything, she probably knows that she screwed up, but won't admit out for fear of seeming "disloyal" to him.

If possible, get POA over her, so that you can better handle her finances, esp as she grieves. Negotiate what you can, using the potential bankruptcy option and her total lack of assets as leverage. If creditors still won't come around and she does not intend to move, and her housing & anything else that would need a credit check, is set for the next 5 years at least, go nuke the debts. If she needs a credit check fod ANYTHING, after the nuclear option has been exercised, then you may need to help her put down a large cash deposit. That might be the cheapest way to resolve this.

And a gentle reminder: NEVER EVER EVER EVER co-sign anything for her. I get she's your mother, I really do, but please... just don't. Offer to help with cash deposits, instead. That's the safest option for both of you.

That's my $0.02 in this matter.

This is all great advice. I'm almost positive she does have Stockholm Syndrome and so I'm trying to tread carefully and be super gentle with her. The emotional challenge for me is that I also spent the first 17 years of my life being abused by him before I could get away, and so it's really tough for me to keep my outrage quiet, but I'm trying. But we're all different people and anyone who's ever known a sociopath knows just how convincing and controlling and even charming they can be when they want to. It's a horrible thing.

I'm debating getting POA, but I am kind of hesitant about it because I think she probably still has a very long time to live... she is 65 and her mom is still alive at 90-some years old. That's a lot of living left potentially and if I could help her get to a place of self sufficiency (while always keeping a close eye over her financial situation), I think that might be healthier for her, to know that she is able to stand on her own two feet. At the same time, I worry that once the grief passes, she may just find another abusive man, because that is all she's ever known. And in that case, if I had POA, I could protect her from that future mistake at least. I am on the fence about that one.

Totally agree about never co-signing, no way. I already spent years paying off their debt once before when my dad ruined my credit while I was still a kid. So I know the perils of that.

[GoodLiving]

The other thing I would alert folks to is that not all localities handle debts the same. There are still places where you can be sent to prison for debts. Here's an article from the Atlantic https://www.theatlantic.com/business...prison/462378/