Helping Parents

[amastewa93]

I have already gotten into deep water helping one parent (losing thousands of dollars). I hit hard times after that and ended up moving practically 500 miles to live with the other parent. As it turns out, he may have to have surgery and has asked my fiancé and I to help out keeping up his household. While I realize he allowed me to come stay, I am weary about getting my finances intertwined with another parent again. I am also trying to save so that we can get back out on our own again soon.

Do you all have any advice?

[ua_guy]

What's the expectation?

If it's just watching over the house and making sure basic things get taken care of like getting the mail, taking out the garbage, doing cooking/cleaning and effectively "running" the household for him while he's out of comission, I think that's reasonable even if it incurs some minor expenses, since you're living there for free.

If he's asking for you to take over all his expenses and the rent/mortgage etc, that might be a different discussion.

[snafu]

Have you, dad and fiancé defined and discussed exactly what dad needs and expects during this period leading up to surgery, period of hospitalization, recovery and later?

If you and fiancé were to rent in that community, what could you afford or expect to pay rent, utilities, food for example? It's so important to define everyone's tasks now, in advance of dad's hospitalization. How will surgery impact dad's income? Is he an hourly paid worker; no work means no income? Are there other family members to help we ith expenses? If you were not living there, would dad need to sell the house?

What is available in community support? What no cost/low cost options would qualify dad? Lots of research can save considerable expense if you know how to access what is needed or useful post op.

[FLA]

Have you, dad and fiancé defined and discussed exactly what dad needs and expects during this period leading up to surgery, period of hospitalization, recovery and later?

What is available in community support? What no cost/low cost options would qualify dad? Lots of research can save considerable expense if you know how to access what is needed or useful post op.

exactly this.

If he is elderly and the surgery is going to put him that much out of commission, he may qualify for a 30 day stay in a nursing home rehab program, covered by Medicare as long as he was hospitalized for, I think, it's 72 hrs. That month of care could be a God's send. If not, he likely will have some sort of skilled need (a nursing or PT need) and qualify for VNA home care services, if he qualifies for that, they have aides that will come in several times a week for personal care. However, this care ends when the skilled need is resolved.

[amastewa93]

He is only likely to be out of work four to six weeks. It would mean my fiancé and I taking over some of his bills while he is out of work. His wife will obviously still be working, but they have three children to care for. Since we have moved in, we pay $200 a month to contribute for food, etc. We also cook, clean and help out where we can.

He isn't likely to qualify for a nursing home, etc. It will be surgery on his neck. He is 45 years old and will be back into work within a month and a half. Cost of living is fairly cheap here, so it won't likely set us back too much, but how do you know when enough is enough? I've already been through this with my mother, so my guard is up.

[snafu]

One common 'rule of thumb' suggests no more than 28% of income be used for housing [rent/utilities/phones]. All the issues and anticipated problems need to be negotiated. What sum is needed for basic, household needs? What savings can dad contribute? How much does wife net? What can be negotiated with creditors since dad will lose earnings?

Assisting with chores would likely be helpful since the wife works, cares for 3 kiddos and the list of tasks is endless. I wonder if the family group are eligible for short term food assistance like the community Food Bank. They are usually generous over the holiday season. It will disrupt your routine for 4-6 weeks but having a plan is least frustrating. For example, if you were willing to take on meals, you could assess the food on hand and make up a meal plan week-by-week, buying only what is needed to support your plan. [Several regular SA participants post weekly menus in the blog section]. Cooking from scratch is usually a terrific way to involve youngsters and create the sense of satisfaction. Soups, stews and casseroles are cost effective, filling and easy.

The situation certainly reminds us all of the importance of an Emergency Fund. Life's challenges are more easily met when money isn't an over riding issue.

[bjl584]

I agree that a discussion needs to happen before you sign onto this so that everyone is on the same page and everyone knows what to expect from each other.

[Like2Plan]

He is only likely to be out of work four to six weeks. It would mean my fiancé and I taking over some of his bills while he is out of work. His wife will obviously still be working, but they have three children to care for. Since we have moved in, we pay $200 a month to contribute for food, etc. We also cook, clean and help out where we can.

He isn't likely to qualify for a nursing home, etc. It will be surgery on his neck. He is 45 years old and will be back into work within a month and a half. Cost of living is fairly cheap here, so it won't likely set us back too much, but how do you know when enough is enough? I've already been through this with my mother, so my guard is up.

Are both you and your fiance living in his house? $200 is really a nominal amount to be contributing for household expesnes. How long have you been there? How long do you plan to stay? If you are actually staying in his house, I think it is a little different situation.

[riverwed070707]

While I generally take the "don't put yourself in a bad spot to help family" stance and I understand your reasoning for being guarded, if you and your fiance are living in your dads house and only paying $200/mo, I think you're obligated to either step up and help out or find somewhere else to go. It's not fair for them to be struggling to make ends meet while you live basically for free. $200 can't barely cover your groceries, let alone utility use, etc. It's nice you help out around the house but that doesn't pay the bills.

I'd have a convo about how much they need to stay a float and agree on an amount you can be comfortable contributing, even if it sets your savings goals back until he's recovered.

[amastewa93]

We live in an area where it is pretty low-cost to pay bills, etc. We contribute $200 (half their mortgage) and buy our own groceries.

We did sit down and talk with them about what they may need because they helped us out significantly letting us stay here while we got settled in our new jobs (and scout a place to move in to). Obviously, I want to help out, I am just a bit guarded after the situation with my mother.

Right now, a majority of their financial troubles are stemming from credit card debt (the majority of their bills). The electric is about $130 a month and water $50 a month. The rest of their money is going to pay different credit lines his wife has open and an over $300/month car payment for her newer car.