working and non working partners?

[disneysteve]

I just don't think I'd want to be married to someone who didn't work.

Does "work" only mean going to a job where you are being paid?

My wife doesn't work by that definition but she cleans the house, she does the laundry, she occasionally drives my elderly mother around, she volunteers in the community (just picked up a new volunteer position today as a matter of fact), etc. It's not like she's sitting around all day watching soap operas and eating chocolates.

So if "work" simply means doing something productive with your time, then yes, I think everyone should to the best of their ability. I just don't think that needs to be a paid position if you are in a financial situation that doesn't make that necessary.

[alliecat79]

LivingAlmostLarge, my husband makes more than I do. He also works from home and has a significant amount of "flex time" with his job. To us, both of us continuing to work is a no brainer. I think because I've already successfully (well, to this point) raised a son while working full time, I culturally do not see anything wrong with it. That said, if my husband's work situation were to change, I would have NO problem with him being a stay at home Dad. For now, it financially benefits us to both work.

[myrdale]

Does "work" only mean going to a job where you are being paid?

My wife doesn't work by that definition but she cleans the house, she does the laundry, she occasionally drives my elderly mother around, she volunteers in the community (just picked up a new volunteer position today as a matter of fact), etc. It's not like she's sitting around all day watching soap operas and eating chocolates.

So if "work" simply means doing something productive with your time, then yes, I think everyone should to the best of their ability. I just don't think that needs to be a paid position if you are in a financial situation that doesn't make that necessary.

You left off the first half of my statement,

From a man's point of view, if I were a woman, I just don't think I'd want to be married to someone who didn't work.

It is a statement about what I would think a wife should expect from the husband, not specifically the other way around. Yes there is a double standard in that statement.

My mother worked for an RN who's husband was a part time carpenter. More specifically he had been involved in some legal trouble about taking peoples money and not completing the work. He stayed home and drank. Their kids were compulsive liars. The daughter dropped out of college, then continued to live off of her parents for a year before they figured it out. Their son had other issues. As wonderful of a person and hard worker as the RN was, everything she earned went for paying towards these sort of screw ups. Is it her fault, NO, but she enabled the heck out of the husband and kids. If the husband worked full time, would that mean the kids wouldn't have had problems, NO, but when dad is a thief and a drunk, it doesn't help.

I had a coworker, she was working part time and was studying for medical school at the time. She brought her girlfriend to a Christmas party for work one year. When asked what she did for a living she said "I don't work, I am going to stay at home for my doctor wife".

Also I don't consider "work from home" to be the same as stay at home personally. If you're doing sales, or billing, or clerical work from home, even if its part time you're working.

To the point of your wife, first and foremost, you both agreed to the situation. Secondly she is being productive. Lastly my main argument is against the "sitting around all day watching soap operas and eating chocolates" situation. At the same time, people shouldn't delude themselves in thinking the normal household chores are even a part time job. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, mowing my lawn I do all of these on a regular basis with out a spouse while maintaining a full time job, and making time for the gym, friends, entertainment etc.

[MonkeyMama]

I think for me, working is autonomy, freedom and identity. And I feel that by having continued to work, I can always find something that will generate income (I've hatched many a plan a, b and c in various scenarios over my career). This is not true for everyone's situation.

I wasn't comfortable giving up work altogether, not because I love my career or anything; but just because I'm a bit of a control freak, and have to know that I have a way to take care of myself should I need to.

I feel the same way, in many regards. I am very independent. You could maybe talk me into it now, but I am older, more settled into my career, more settled financially, and pretty confident at this point that this marriage is for the long haul. Of course I'd still go for the middle ground. I don't see why I would not work at all, but I'd be more open today to some time off or a career break (at 40). I had kids at 25, and there's no way in heck I would have put myself in a financially vulnerable position or given up my career at that age. I didn't work my butt off for my college degree/career just to stay home with kids (immediately after graduating).

I was raised by a SAHM. But... My dad had 3 sisters and two of them were completely screwed by the, "I don't want a degree and will just rely on a man" thing. I think that left an impression on me, and/or my parents really layed it on thick to not make the same mistake.

I am just relieved my husband had less qualms about it because it solved a lot of problems for us. I would have totally respected if he stood his ground and insisted on working. Lord knows I wasn't willing to budge on that front.

[Gailete]

>>If the wife thinks she is too good to work and wants to stay home and be pampered, I think I'd have a problem with that. But then again there is always divorce!<<

Sounds like a discussion that should happen before the marriage took place!

Not saying that these discussions always happen.

Just wrote out a post that let me vent and then deleted it. But, I can tell you as a woman that has been supporting herself plus husbands and kids for 45+ years, I would have loved to have the opportunity to have just one year to ONLY be a stay at home mom raising my kids!

[JoeP]

I work FT and my wife works PT. We adjusted our spending and saving to work with this, and have been very successful. When kids are part of the equation, having a PT parent simplifies: school, shopping, cooking, activities, etc. When I hear parents insist that they both "need" to work, I have to challenge that statement.

[Gailete]

My husband and I are currently heading down a new road. He has been self-employed most of his adult life, but the main job he did he finally had to say 'uncle'. Physically he just couldn't handle it anymore. I've been on disability for about 16 1/2 years now. I have been handling with the help of my son, to get the groceries, I have a woman that comes every two weeks to do dishes and basic cleaning. I run my small business, I handle the money, I do the laundry, etc. I am starting to need him to get clothes out of the washer as my back can't tolerate bending over. He has been making more of the meals, but he considers pulling his hanky out and dusting off something when he sees it helping with the cleaning. He spends an incredible amount of time online and even though we discussed it the other night, I see no evidence that he has done anything at all for the small business in the last couple of days. He has a totally different work ethic than I do. And rather than say what can he do for me today, if I give him a job, he quits working at it if he sees me not listing the things immediately that I asked him to scan, or pick a reason. A box of craft items that I had wanted up by Christmas is still sitting in the box. His reason was, well you didn't do these other things. It just upsets me that he will make a decision to stop working depending on what he perceives me to be doing. Or he is too tired, or he doesn't feel good or fill in the blank. It feels almost like I am the CEO of a company and he is the janitor and since he doesn't see me using a certain bathroom and certain conference rooms, etc. he doesn't think he has to clean them. If we work at cross purposes we will never get ahead. I think it is an uphill battle for me. However, I have finally decided after all these years, that I will take time for me and not push myself so hard as I am exhausted.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My husband and I are currently heading down a new road. He has been self-employed most of his adult life, but the main job he did he finally had to say 'uncle'. Physically he just couldn't handle it anymore. I've been on disability for about 16 1/2 years now. I have been handling with the help of my son, to get the groceries, I have a woman that comes every two weeks to do dishes and basic cleaning. I run my small business, I handle the money, I do the laundry, etc. I am starting to need him to get clothes out of the washer as my back can't tolerate bending over. He has been making more of the meals, but he considers pulling his hanky out and dusting off something when he sees it helping with the cleaning. He spends an incredible amount of time online and even though we discussed it the other night, I see no evidence that he has done anything at all for the small business in the last couple of days. He has a totally different work ethic than I do. And rather than say what can he do for me today, if I give him a job, he quits working at it if he sees me not listing the things immediately that I asked him to scan, or pick a reason. A box of craft items that I had wanted up by Christmas is still sitting in the box. His reason was, well you didn't do these other things. It just upsets me that he will make a decision to stop working depending on what he perceives me to be doing. Or he is too tired, or he doesn't feel good or fill in the blank. It feels almost like I am the CEO of a company and he is the janitor and since he doesn't see me using a certain bathroom and certain conference rooms, etc. he doesn't think he has to clean them. If we work at cross purposes we will never get ahead. I think it is an uphill battle for me. However, I have finally decided after all these years, that I will take time for me and not push myself so hard as I am exhausted.

What sort of new road are you doing? Is that he is working less?

[Gailete]

>>What sort of new road are you doing? Is that he is working less?<<

He is supposed to be helping me in my business. We had a discussion about it last week (again) about what he will do and when etc. Since that point I don't think he has done a thing but sleep and watch movies on the computer. He did some piano tunings earlier in December and nothing to earn any money since although he does have a big job he can do any time. I'm just getting a bit frustrated. This business has always been my baby, but it is what has helped put food on our table for years now. I need to vent but can't really do it here. All I know is I am frustrated.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

>>What sort of new road are you doing? Is that he is working less?<<

He is supposed to be helping me in my business. We had a discussion about it last week (again) about what he will do and when etc. Since that point I don't think he has done a thing but sleep and watch movies on the computer. He did some piano tunings earlier in December and nothing to earn any money since although he does have a big job he can do any time. I'm just getting a bit frustrated. This business has always been my baby, but it is what has helped put food on our table for years now. I need to vent but can't really do it here. All I know is I am frustrated.

Can you live without him working? Can you accept him not working? I will listen but I don't know if you can expect him to change. My experience has been people don't change

[Gailete]

Tried to write you a PM but I went over the word count. I got my vent out though, just writing it! LOL. Technically right now and for the next few years we could get along without him working but I may be tempted to kick him in the seat of his pants!

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Tried to write you a PM but I went over the word count. I got my vent out though, just writing it! LOL. Technically right now and for the next few years we could get along without him working but I may be tempted to kick him in the seat of his pants!

That's a different argument!

[Homebody]

I retired 7/8/16 due to chronic pain. I worked 42 years. My husband does not resent me. We have been together long enough that we both do the best we can to make each other's life easier. I try to do most of the lawn mowing (though he did the front yard today), he does a lot of the cooking.......still even though I am retired. In the early 1980s we were very careful to make sure we both did our perception of "half". It doesn't matter anymore. I am drawing my social security and have been for almost exactly a year....my next payment makes 12 payments. I am also learning and trading our retirement. That is like a part-time job right there. I also do the bookkeeping for our business (for no pay). Gosh that makes me sound as though I am not retired. But my husband would have to do it if I wasn't, again to help make his life easier.