How to respond when people pity you for not having kids?

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

I've pretty much decided I won't be having kids. I just realized recently (you may have seen my post about it) that having kids just isn't for me.

The problem I'm facing is that people look at me with pity when I say I don't want kids. My mother, for instance, says I just don't understand how great they are. I've been around tons of kids throughout my years. The only way I can get more familiar with the idea is to actually have one! That's an experiment I don't feel like running.

Do you have kids? Do you find people pity your 'situation'?

[Drake3287]

Although I have 3 kids and think it was the best decision ever, I realize it's not for everybody. I can't believe someone would ever comment about it in the first place. With so any people unable to get pregnant I've always kept my mouth shut about those things.

I guess when people voluntarily tell others about their decision to not have kids, a certain amount of tacky people are always going to comment unfortunately. I don't blame you for being sick of it.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Just let it run right off your back. I doubt most people will mention it a second time. There are no magic words to say. Something along the lines of, "I don't want to be a parent," is good enough, don't you think?

[QuarterMillionMan]

Tell them what I tell them. Nowadays to raise a kid (1 kid) from birth through college runs between $250,000 to $400,000. All that money I'm saving for my retirement maxing out both my 401(k) at $24,000 a year and maxing out my Roth at $6500 a year. In addition to purchasing LTC insurance at $1200 a year to provide 3 years of nursing home stays if needed (when they ask who will take care of you in your old age). Oh and in addition to having a care custodian or home caregiver provided at $100 per day coverage if needed covered through work at $50 a month. Oh and I cannot forget buying gold/silver on a dollar cost average basis by about $200 to $300 a month. On the other hand should you wish to buy toys and other unnecessary stuff by having kids and dealing with all that screaming and whining and sleepless nights giving up your peace and quiet and freedoms then by all means have as many kids that you like.

[avil_saver36]

People do not think "why" they want kids. It's a biological instinct for them. Most people will not plan when/how many/whether to have kids. Having kids at the wrong time/having too many of them can easily change your financial situation forever.

If you have really thought it through and don't want kids, I would say "smart move". Not having kids can easily save you a fortune and you can live life far better than the ones who have kids.

As a consolation, most parents are terrible - ourselves included at times, only difference being I am open minded enough to acknowledge it - and inevitably kids grow up to distrust their parents on the most important decisions of their life. This causes alienation between parents and kids that cannot be overcome easily. So not only you are out of your money, but you also don't receive kinship from your kids. For many adults, visiting their own parents is one of the most unpleasant experiences. If this is the outcome, you are better off without kids.

For people who pity you, "misery loves company" I suspect they are mostly jealous at your freedom and happiness.

Best,

[ua_guy]

My polite response is that I find enough meaning and purpose in my adult life outside of having children, and that I know parenting isn't for me. How do I know? In the same way everyone else feels they should raise children, I feel I shouldn't. Easy as that. There are some that won't get it, and don't, and at that point it's time to mooooove on and talk about something else.

[FrugalFish]

I've learned, as I've gotten older, to just not justify myself to other people. It's rude of them to ask, and I don't like to feel defensive about something that is nobody else's business. My go-to is to make a non-committal sound and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you have to come up with a response that is non-emotional and standard- the one you repeat ad nauseam if necessary the casual, "You know, it's just never interested me... [change of subject]"

You know what's funny? I have one child. You get inundated with the "lonely only" BS when you go that route. Somehow when you have one, through choice or circumstances, you are on some level not a fully fledged parent. I don't think it matters if you have no children, one child, or more, someone is always there to make judgments. If you have the proverbial and accepted 2 children, you better hope it's a boy and a girl, or there will be questions "Are you going to try again for a girl?" More than 2 kids? You're overpopulating the world or not smart enough to understand how it happened.

Funny how people get caught up in the reproductive circumstances of others and there's a negative aspect that can be applied to many of them- and that's always what people seem to want to discuss.

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

I've learned, as I've gotten older, to just not justify myself to other people. It's rude of them to ask, and I don't like to feel defensive about something that is nobody else's business. My go-to is to make a non-committal sound and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you have to come up with a response that is non-emotional and standard- the one you repeat ad nauseam if necessary the casual, "You know, it's just never interested me... [change of subject]"

You know what's funny? I have one child. You get inundated with the "lonely only" BS when you go that route. Somehow when you have one, through choice or circumstances, you are on some level not a fully fledged parent. I don't think it matters if you have no children, one child, or more, someone is always there to make judgments. If you have the proverbial and accepted 2 children, you better hope it's a boy and a girl, or there will be questions "Are you going to try again for a girl?" More than 2 kids? You're overpopulating the world or not smart enough to understand how it happened.

Funny how people get caught up in the reproductive circumstances of others and there's a negative aspect that can be applied to many of them- and that's always what people seem to want to discuss.

Oh, no! I think have one child is perfect if that's what you want. There are a lot of disadvantages to having multiple kids. I grew up with 2 others. We were always fighting over toys, fighting over attention, or yelling at our parents for not treating us fairly. We had a good childhood but I don't think I would've been lonely as an only child. I actually liked it when my brother/sister went off to college. What a lot of people don't realize is that some people ARE introverts! They don't want tons of people around. Society always makes it look like 'the more the merrier' but that's not the case for me.

I think one kid would be nice. You could give them your best.

[disneysteve]

People are idiots and don't know when to keep their mouths shut. Just remember that and you'll be fine.

I can't tell you how many times someone has told me how terrible it is that we only had one child, how wrong that is, how it's bad for our daughter not to have siblings, etc. I just nod my head and move on. There is no value in engaging that person because it's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with that type of person.

[FrugalFish]

Oh, my point was just that no matter what you do, some other person will probably have something inappropriate to say about it.

My DH is the youngest in a family of all boys- I bet you can guess all the common things that have been said to him and his family over the years. How many times has he heard that he was "suppose" to have been a girl? That his parents failed to accomplish what they set out to do? It's weird to say things like that when he's a grown man, exactly who he is suppose to be-- so why isn't it weird when people say it about a child?

I married young, but vowed at that point to not have kids due to a miserable childhood. Time changed my feelings, but I never did tell anybody (other than DH) where my heart was. We fended off others inappropriate questions with vague answers, because frankly it wasn't their business, and time can change a person's feelings as it did for me. I adore my only and can't imagine life without her.

OTOH, there's this food for thought. Another family member we have, who got harassed about having kids with his wife- he felt pressured into being open that they planned to have kids, which subsequently led to a very public fertility struggle. For years family members called them every 2 weeks to see what/how they were doing in their effort to have a baby. That lasted more than 10 years, I felt so sorry for them. Once people knew, they wouldn't back off. Eventually they ended up childless. He later lamented to DH that he wished he'd never said anything- at this point wished that people assumed they didn't want kids, rather than to have put them in a position where other people felt they had a right to know all about their personal lives.

Anyway, I guess the point is that it's perfectly alright to play your cards close, and not justify and explain everything in great detail to others.

[bjl584]

That's really no one else's business what you decide to do with your life so long as you don't hurt anyone in the process.

Married or single. Religious or atheist. Conservative or Liberal. Gay or Straight. Kids or no kids. Why should it matter to anyone?

[disneysteve]

That's really no one else's business what you decide to do with your life so long as you don't hurt anyone in the process.

Married or single. Religious or atheist. Conservative or Liberal. Gay or Straight. Kids or no kids. Why should it matter to anyone?

The world would be a far better place if everyone lived by that rule.

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

I really need to stop caring what other people think. Everyone has their opinions. I can't please everyone so I may at least please myself + those who agree with me. I'll stick to my no kids or 1 kid plan. Just really don't want several. I'm even leery of dating a girl who wants a bunch of kids.

[Snydley]

Hi-
We also have just one child, by choice, and yes, people have made comments about her sad, lonely state . I'm very clear with people when they ask that we chose to have only one, and to be honest, even if we didn't have another because of fertility reasons it would be one of the few instances when I would choose to lie and tell them we are deliberately one-and-done.

I find parents today to be so disgustingly miserable. Everyone is overworked compared to previous generations, and the new trend is to resume-build, not raise kids, while we stand behind them every second, cheering their every move. I cannot believe how many couples my age with kids pretty much never go out without them, not on a Saturday night, not ever. Throw the whole social media mess on top of this, with everyone pretending to be so happy online, and connecting via "likes" on a screen, you've got a super-depressed Generation X (and Y). The prevailing trend is for parents to not have their own interests and social lives, not to maintain a decent friendship in their marriage, etc..so the children become the ABSOLUTE GREATEST and all the meaning they derive from their lives.

I find great meaning and purpose from my work, I still like hanging out with my husband (alone and out of the house) and I keep my closest friendships active (girls' weekends away, dinners out, etc.)..I also love being a mom, but for me, two kids were going to cause trade-offs I was not willing to part with without resentment. Could I have raised two kids? Sure, but the cost, and I don't just mean financial, was not something I was willing to pay. I think one child is the best of all worlds, all the joys of parenting and all the freedoms I needed to stay in touch with myself and my adult relationships.

If you decide not to have any kids, good for you! Marriages have been found to be strongest when the couples are "child-free".