Are kids worth the cost?

[ua_guy]

3 kids all now in there 20's with all college costs behind me due to saving over the years. And yes I still have a nice little savings for myself and no financial worries. All with just being a middle income family. Having kids was and is the best thing I've ever done, in all these years I haven't got a single horror.

I look back at several friends and family members that choose to either have no kids or only 1 child and I can tell they regret it now. For my wife and I, spending our money for kids was what life is all about.

How can you tell they regret their choice? Did they say so? Did they not find a fulfilling purpose in life without children? And why are the 1-child couples disappointed?

I've told my mother I probably won't be having kids and in almost these exact words she told me she was afraid for me, that I'd die alone and have nobody to love me in my old age.

I realized that's her fear, not mine. I guess I'm not as afraid of death as some are, or that I need to find a higher meaning or satisfy some deep purpose before my time is up. I don't see any disappointment in just being happy and enjoying life even if I end up with no children.

[Thrif-t]

We have 3 kids and I doubt we spent anywhere near a million dollars on them. Now maybe when you factor in time and the part of insurance that our companies paid, but I do not believe we'd come out to a million a piece. We did lots of things to keep our costs down, I worked part time so day care wasn't as expensive. We had hand me down clothes for them, I bought off season. No matter I'd not trade them for all the money in the world. They bring me countless joys that no amount of money could replace.

[Snydley]

How can you tell they regret their choice? Did they say so? Did they not find a fulfilling purpose in life without children? And why are the 1-child couples disappointed?

I've told my mother I probably won't be having kids and in almost these exact words she told me she was afraid for me, that I'd die alone and have nobody to love me in my old age.

OMG! People are insane, and honestly just need to get a life. Ignore your mother.

Another point no one has mentioned yet, which happens often - kids who grow into adults, and have major problems. Can't hold a job, addicted to drugs/alcohol, debilitating mental illness, in abusive relationships, etc. I know a lot of parents of adult children simply overwhelmed with worry for their adult kids, every day, for years-decades. Is this a reason to not have kids if you want them? Of course not. However, childless/1 child adults get so sick of hearing about how we are ruining our lives by not having 2+ kids, with no acknowledgement of the tradeoffs to making a choice for a larger family.

The things people have said to me "You're not going to do this to her" "Poor thing, she'll be all alone having to take care of you and DH when you are old"..on and on...and these people actually know that I have divorced parents and 1 estranged sibling. Not only do I have to "take care" of them, they are split up and don't speak to each other. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes - a bit, but only because neither of them possess sufficient social/emotional skills to have a truly close relationship (friend, spouse, etc.)..so they're lonely. I do not wish for other siblings to help; I spent much of my 20s taking care of my only sibling, and it was absolute hell at times.

Another friend (with 2 teenage daughters) was visiting with his family last summer and mentioned his plans to "live/move near his grandchildren" in retirement. I was so tempted to say "what if your girls don't want kids?" I just can't imagine thinking that way.

[Drake3287]

How can you tell they regret their choice? Did they say so? Did they not find a fulfilling purpose in life without children? And why are the 1-child couples disappointed? .

Yes, I've more then a few people tell me they wish they had kids or more than just one. I work in a field that has a lot of males of all ages and the topic certainly comes up. A good friend the same age (50's) choice not to have kids and I know you can tell they regret it. This of course isn't true for everyone making the choice.

Another big issue is people having kids late in life. It totally changes your financial future in the way of retirement and paying for college.

[LittleMissSplendid]

Another point no one has mentioned yet, which happens often - kids who grow into adults, and have major problems. Can't hold a job, addicted to drugs/alcohol, debilitating mental illness, in abusive relationships, etc. I know a lot of parents of adult children simply overwhelmed with worry for their adult kids, every day, for years-decades. Is this a reason to not have kids if you want them? Of course not. However, childless/1 child adults get so sick of hearing about how we are ruining our lives by not having 2+ kids, with no acknowledgement of the tradeoffs to making a choice for a larger family.

I agree that this is something many people rarely acknowledge. It is also rarely acknowledged that sometimes kids grow up to be a*%holes and choose to poorly care for or not to care at all for their parents (even if they were good parents) in their old age. Having them isn't a guarantee of "being set" in your golden years. I do a lot of work with seniors and it is so depressing seeing so many adult kids dump them in nursing homes, never visiting, complaining about the cost of their care, refusing to provide any financial support even though they are able, and being greedy grubs when they die. Whats worse is so many of them recognize that their behavior is viewed as being terrible by most people, they simply don't care and don't feel obligated to change.

[Scanner]

I am reminded of a famous saying a high salaried basketball player said,

"Financial planners tell me to stop wasting my money on women, booze and gambling. To me, that's the only thing money is for."

As far as kids. . .I like these 4 words that sum it up:

ALL JOY. NO FUN.

http://www.npr.org/books/titles/265237167/all-joy-and-no-fun-the-paradox-of-modern-parenthood

[Scanner]

Another dimension of this cost:

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/07/in-rapidly-aging-japan-adult-diaper-sales-are-about-to-surpass-baby-diapers/277706/

Sale of adult diapers in Japan will outpace the sale of baby diapers. We are gonig to have to decide if we want to be a young culture, middle-aged or elderly and the consequences of that.

I think in America we are at the point of:

"Yes, we need young people. But I'm not paying for raising them."

It's akin to what happens with India. . ."We need women in our culture. But we don't want to have one in our family."

[phantom]

I've only had a kid for a few weeks, so I've yet to put much money into it, and I've only begun to to get value out of it. But, I wouldn't have made the choice to have a kid if I didn't think it'd be worth it.

At this point, the non-financial costs of having a kid are feeling much higher than the financial ones to me. I've definitely questioned whether the pain of labor, the lack of sleep, and the general stress, were worth it. I think I'll need some time to forget how much giving birth hurt before I decide to have a second kid. But, I've no regrets about the money I've paid so far.

Kids aren't all-inclusive package deals where you dole out a million dollars up front or sign up for a payment plan and get a lifetime supply of food, clothing, housing, education, entertainment, and health care. Instead, parents get to make a series of choices about spending they'll do for their kids along the way. Some spending is unavoidable, if you want to have a healthy kid. But, a lot of spending on kids is a choice. That's not to say parents should just skip spending money on things for kids that aren't necessities. I certainly don't plan to do that. But, when I find myself paying for sports equipment and activity fees, I hope to be excited about the experience my little one will get, not lamenting having less money for toys for myself. And when a trip to the zoo for my husband and I costs 50% more because we have an extra ticket to buy, I hope to get more than 50% more enjoyment value in seeing the place through a younger set of eyes. I guess my point is that money spent on kids, doesn't disappear into a black hole. Like any spending lovingly done for another person, both the giver and the recipient can get some value out of it.

When I was sitting in the nursery feeding my daughter the other day, it occurred to me that I'd put a lot of time and money into getting it just right, even though I doubt my little one cares about how well I got all the colors to match and how cute it all looks. But, I was really happy to sit and enjoy my handiwork. So, spending money on kids can be totally worthwhile without the kids getting any value from it at all.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Congratulations, on the new one Phantom! You have a great outlook.

It was certainly worth it for me! Yes, lots of joy and lots of fun. (I hope Scanner wasn't too serious.)