Help a friend

[Petunia]

You are to be commended for helping your friend, Living Almost Large. It isn't wrong for you to encourage her to do anything she can to get out of her situation.

Abusers can give the appearance of being nice and reasonable at least some of the time. Otherwise their significant others would never get involved with and stay with them. Abuse usually escalates; he probably didn't start out by dumping cheese on her head. He worked up to that. It's like the story of the frog in the boiling water. Abusers are manipulative and, at least for a while, can convince their significant others that if the significant other would or wouldn't do "x", the abuser wouldn't do "y". From the outside everything looks simple - just leave him and don't look back. From the inside it's more like an emotional tar pit. Advise that works for normal people - "Just tell him you're not going to do that!" doesn't work very well with abusers.

If you want to learn more about how you can help your friend, read "Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women" by Susan Brewster.

If you want to learn more about abusive men and abusive relationship dynamics, read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

If your friend can hide her browsing history from her husband (ie, something like in private browsing), have her google MD Junction Emotional Abuse. She will find on on-line forum, kind of like this one, of (mostly) women who are in emotionally abusive situations. At the top of the General & Support forum there is a sticky entitled A Safety Plan. If she is able to do at least some of the steps on the plan she stands a better chance of staying away from her abuser once she leaves. If she even reads the forum, without joining, she may find some answers to her questions, like how to get divorced if you have no money. (And I believe the question of how to get money when he's guarding the purse has been discussed.) The DV hotline can also help her with these types of questions.

I hope she will become able to get out soon.

edited to add: There is also an Emotional *Abusers* forum at MD Junction. If she goes there she needs to make sure she's in the right place.

[jIM_Ohio]

Is it wrong to say where would she get the money to pay for a divorce attorney otherwise? How do you get a divorce as a spouse that isn't working? And you're the one who wants a divorce who doesn't handle the finances? And are dependent on the working spouse?

The key is to look for positives, don't focus on the negative "she doesn't work, she can't pay", instead find the one way it will work. Contact a lawyer, see what they say.

One attorney I know here volunteers at shelters for example. Does all that work pro bono

[Eagle]

There is hope for victims of Abuse! Links and Hotlines

There is hope and there is help. I have a close relative who went through this last year. I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. See information below.

Domestic Abuse/Violence (or Spousal Abuse)

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power: Dominance, Humiliation, Isolation, Threats, Intimidation, Denial and blame. (Click link below for further information)

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse: Abuse, Guilt, Excuses, "Normal" behavior, Fantasy and planning, Set-up.(Click link below for further information)



Do you:

...feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

...avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

...feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

...believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

...wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

...feel emotionally numb or helpless?



Does your partner:

...humiliate or yell at you?

...criticize you and put you down?

...treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

...ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

...blame you for their own abusive behavior?

...see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?


...have a bad and unpredictable temper?

...hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

...threaten to take your children away or harm them?

...threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

...force you to have sex?

...destroy your belongings?


...act excessively jealous and possessive?

...control where you go or what you do?

...keep you from seeing your friends or family?

...limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

...limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

...constantly check up on you?



Source Domestic Violence and Abuse.

[Eagle]

These are the resources I found when helping my relative...

Women don’t have to live in fear:

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.


Male victims of abuse can call or contact:

U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women

UK: ManKind Initiative

Australia: One in Three Campaign

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Thanks will print and hand off. We'll see what happens.