Help a friend

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I have a friend in an abusive relationship. I am worried and she finally starting to think about how to get out. She doesn't work and has two kids my age. Recently he dumped a bag of shredded cheese on her head while screaming nasty things at her. The screaming curse words and carrying on has happened for a long time now. I personally would have left and I asked if she could leave and move in with her parents. She said yes but I think she's embarrassed to tell them and do that.

So I suggested she have her mom open an account in her mother's name and start funneling money there. But that's the problem. She doesn't make anything really to save and is stuck on how to add to their spending so she can siphon off money.

I've offered her some money and she refused. We both do surveys and I said if she gets prepaid visa cars I'd give her cash for it. But he knows when she does it so she needs to hide that. He deposits money into a checking account for pay for bills like groceries and etc and she has to account for everything.

Trust a long time ago when I first met her and she said that I blurted out I found that incredibly demeaning and controlling for a sahm. But it is what it is. The question now is how to siphon money and is it wrong to? I feel a lot of guilt telling her that but I think it's necessary.

Would it make sense to be visa gift cards or Starbucks for $5 or $10 and sell them to us? How can she inflate her budget so he wouldn't notice?

[snafu]

It seems odd [horrible]to learn that women are still permitting their spouse to exhort that much control. Does she not believe her parents love and care about her? Would she trust you or a special friend to talk to her parents? Can she talk to clergy? What programs and services are available to help women and the children leave abusive partners in your community?

Emotional abuse is very serious but when the partner does something physical like you describe, they are out of control and the abuse will ramp forward if she doesn't stop it now. Worse yet, what message does that imbed in the children's brain? This guy isn't a husband, he's morphed into a bully. I'd guess they've both lost respect for each other. Isn't the marriage over if one is afraid of the other?

I know you can add cash to grocery tab at check-out if the store receipt isn't reviewed. What is her store policy for using coupons? If she does the shopping and is willing to do meal planning she can create budget meals using cheaper cuts of meat, root vegetables and store brand products. Food prices have gone up since the beginning of the year and will go up a lot more this summer. She should be asking for a bigger food budget. Most Thrift stores sell bread makers very cheaply and home made bread is incredibly easy to make. You get a better product for about half the cost.

As a SAHM, can she do some child care to earn cash without contributing it to the household budget?

[hamchan]

Would she be able to sell plasma? That's a fairly big time commitment though. Maybe she could take old clothing to a consignment shop and tell him she donated it if he asks. In situations like this I think it's almost better to get out now, and worry about money later. She should also lawyer up immediately. She is entitled to half of the marital assets, including any bank account balances.

[disneysteve]

better to get out now, and worry about money later.

This.

As long as she has somewhere to go, whether it's her parents' home or even an abused women shelter, she needs to get herself and the kids out of there ASAP. That doesn't take money. It does take guts. The longer she stays, the slimmer the chances become that she will ever leave and the higher the chances that he will cause serious injury to her. What do you think would happen if he discovered she was siphoning money? I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty.

She needs to leave NOW even if she does so without a penny to her name. There are plenty of services to help women in her situation if her parents can't or won't help her.

[creditcardfree]

This.

As long as she has somewhere to go, whether it's her parents' home or even an abused women shelter, she needs to get herself and the kids out of there ASAP. That doesn't take money. It does take guts. The longer she stays, the slimmer the chances become that she will ever leave and the higher the chances that he will cause serious injury to her. What do you think would happen if he discovered she was siphoning money? I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty.

She needs to leave NOW even if she does so without a penny to her name. There are plenty of services to help women in her situation if her parents can't or won't help her.

Completely agree! If she is ready to go, she needs to make a plan to leave. Put most of your assistance here.

I don't think it is wrong to save some of her own money, but it could get tricky if she finds out.

[cardtrick]

Bad advice and bad way to think about all this.

She needs to move out and dump that loser asap. Then get a good lawyer and take half his money and get alimony. If he hits her, she needs to call the police and make sure he goes to jail. Don't file a complaint and then back off, even if he cries and begs.

The more important thing here is that she doesn't waste her life in a pointless, abusive relationship. Life is too short for that.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I have suggested leaving but she makes excuses. First and foremost he won't give her a divorce or leave. Second she doesn't want to work while her kids are small and wants to wait until her youngest is in first grade so another five years. Third she doesn't want him to have joint custody. But where we live that's very common and most couples do this to avoid child support.

I have suggested leaving and others but she isn't ready yet. I think her parents would help her but I'm not sure they would understand. See explanation below.

At least she started to document the verbal abuse, as she said yesterday she's his verbal punching bag. I told her I don't believe any person has a right to treat another person like a punching bag verbally no matter what stress or provocation. Her mom said that was normal for a guy to behave like that. I just stuck by my response that people need to treat everyone with respect no matter what.

[kork13]

She needs to leave. Until she can do that, she'll continue to be subjected to a dangerous environment. And it's not just her, but her children. Especially as young children, his toxic influence can literally warp their entire reality, and will shape their entire lives as victims of his trauma. She and her children need to escape. It's that simple.

Until then.....
Does he check her shopping receipts? If not, the simplest way would be to get cash back when she checks out (I assume with a debit card?) ... These cash-back withdrawals from the checking account would not show up as a separate transaction -- it would just be a slightly higher grocery bill. She can take $20 cash back every time she goes to the grocery store or anywhere else that will let her do it, then take that cash and save it up in a private account somewhere.

But above all else.....she needs to escape...for her sake and for her children.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I don't think so but if she runs over budget she has to explain why she needs more money. I suggested cash back but they use the amex 529 fidelity credit card. So cash back is not going to happen.

I agree it's not a good situation. Hut u til she's ready to leave. The best thing to do is start planning an escape.

[cypher1]

Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I have suggested leaving but she makes excuses. First and foremost he won't give her a divorce or leave. Second she doesn't want to work while her kids are small and wants to wait until her youngest is in first grade so another five years. Third she doesn't want him to have joint custody. But where we live that's very common and most couples do this to avoid child support.

I have suggested leaving and others but she isn't ready yet. I think her parents would help her but I'm not sure they would understand. See explanation below.

At least she started to document the verbal abuse, as she said yesterday she's his verbal punching bag. I told her I don't believe any person has a right to treat another person like a punching bag verbally no matter what stress or provocation. Her mom said that was normal for a guy to behave like that. I just stuck by my response that people need to treat everyone with respect no matter what.

While I agree 100% that no human being deserves that treatment/abuse, at the end of the day that person is going to have to figure out or make that choice to walk away on their own. IF they're making excuses not to leave, then nobody can force them to change. They'll do it when they've had enough.

Unfortunately the most you can really do is listen, and support them emotionally, while they continue to document any kinds of abuse to build a case. Or when they're ready for change they'll ask for your advice and guidance.

[bjl584]

If she has the guts she needs to just leave. Money be damned for now. Just go. Worry about money later. These types of situations never end good. Get out now while there is still a chance.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I've printed off text messages she's sent about stuff happening. NO idea if she's documenting but I'm sure a custody fight will be in the making.

Money is always a problem. That and custody.

[jIM_Ohio]

I have a friend in an abusive relationship. I am worried and she finally starting to think about how to get out. She doesn't work and has two kids my age. Recently he dumped a bag of shredded cheese on her head while screaming nasty things at her. The screaming curse words and carrying on has happened for a long time now. I personally would have left and I asked if she could leave and move in with her parents. She said yes but I think she's embarrassed to tell them and do that.

So I suggested she have her mom open an account in her mother's name and start funneling money there. But that's the problem. She doesn't make anything really to save and is stuck on how to add to their spending so she can siphon off money.

I've offered her some money and she refused. We both do surveys and I said if she gets prepaid visa cars I'd give her cash for it. But he knows when she does it so she needs to hide that. He deposits money into a checking account for pay for bills like groceries and etc and she has to account for everything.

Trust a long time ago when I first met her and she said that I blurted out I found that incredibly demeaning and controlling for a sahm. But it is what it is. The question now is how to siphon money and is it wrong to? I feel a lot of guilt telling her that but I think it's necessary.

Would it make sense to be visa gift cards or Starbucks for $5 or $10 and sell them to us? How can she inflate her budget so he wouldn't notice?

First, the money would be marital property, so that would mean lying to the courts. Divorce is among most humiliating things a person can go through. I would suggest to be her friend, and give her good advice, and most of all be supportive. The money issues should be the least of her concerns.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Is it wrong to say where would she get the money to pay for a divorce attorney otherwise? How do you get a divorce as a spouse that isn't working? And you're the one who wants a divorce who doesn't handle the finances? And are dependent on the working spouse?

[snafu]

Sadly, your friend is not thinking clearly, her children are not better off having an on site father who is abusive to their mother. Children are so perceptive, I doubt they'll respect their mom or co operate with her instruction having spent years seeing their dad model disrespectful behaviour to their mom.

When this guy loses control and physically abuses their mother with slaps that escalates to punches and kicks is that worse? Will her mother, the children's grandmother be helpful or even sympathetic? Will money matter? You're a kind friend that she trusts and a place for her to vent. I presume she'll change the locks when she's ready.