Feeling isolated

[hamchan]

I am currently working seven days a week. I just started a new job, which meant leaving an old job where I had worked for five years. I am starting to realize that my job basically is my social life.

I was raised Christian, but stopped going to church about a decade ago when I realized I didn't really believe in any of it in my heart. I was only going because my friends were there. I stay in touch, but it's different now, and I've moved away, so we never see each other. Even one of my best friends whom I've known since college and oddly enough met at church (he is now a Thelemist or some other weird religion I know nothing about), he lives four blocks away from me and I have not seen him since August. We've tried getting together a few times, which brings me to my other problem.

I am always at work. Every. Single. Day. Even if it's physically possible for me to go to parties or other events I don't want to because it means giving up valuable sleep, laundry and cleaning time, or not having time to shower.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I have no interests because I don't have time to have interests. I'm not very outgoing, and it's hard for me to warm up to people even under the best of circumstances. Seattle is a very socially closed off community. I suppose that is why I like living here, because talking to strangers makes me anxious. But it's also extremely isolating.

[Wino]

I am currently working seven days a week. I am always at work. Every. Single. Day.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

I'm in much the same boat here in Dubai. I work every day. Even when I'm not "working," my phone is ringing, causing me to work, anyway. There are no Americans over here to speak of. Here in Dubai, I have met more Canadians than I have Americans. The reason is the US tax laws don't encourage expatriation. The US is the only country in the world that taxes you even if you don't live in the country.

Anyway, I suggest you go back to church even if only for the social aspects. That's what I do, and having that weekly obligation keeps me more in sync. If not church, then pick something else you have to do every week. AA meetings, book club, trivia night, Texas Hold 'em tournaments... there's got to be something that happens nearby every week, and that can become your social interface.

[hamchan]

Seems kind of disingenuous to go to church just to have people to hang out with. No matter, because I work on Sundays too. There is a local atheist group here that has some events that don't sound too painful, but they are all during my work hours as well. TBH I have found that the kinds of atheists who bother to attend atheist events are not the kinds of people I like to hang out with, but I would still be willing to try it if they ever had an event I could actually get to.

Very funny about the A.A. meetings. For the record, I am not now nor have I ever been a substance abuser of any kind.

I've located a mental illness support group I could go to sporadically. Support groups are great, and can be pretty helpful, but not exactly what I would call "a good time." Maybe not the best places to meet friends either. I have enough crazy friends.

[disneysteve]

I suggest you go back to church even if only for the social aspects.

Seems kind of disingenuous to go to church just to have people to hang out with.

I agree with Wino. My family is very active in our synagogue but I can tell you that the 3 of us go for very different reasons. I'm very involved in temple leadership (I'm actually the President of the congregation). My wife is active with Sisterhood and has a group that she play Mah Jong with every Wednesday. Our daughter is on the Board of the youth group and does a lot of activities with them. My wife and I do regularly attend religious services. My daughter hardly ever does. It's just not her thing.

Our Rabbi is fond of speaking about a concept called "100 Doors". The theory goes that to attract people to come, you need to offer many different types of experiences. Not everyone is into the worship aspect of religious affiliation. Some people come for adult education. Some for social action projects. Some for youth programming, or cooking classes, or Men's Club activities, or who knows what. We try to offer something for everyone. We don't expect or require that everyone attend religious services.

I see nothing wrong with you using your church as a social outlet. Maybe that means playing Bingo Friday night, or attending concerts, or joining their book club, or whatever.

[MonkeyMama]

As an atheist, the last place I would go to socialize is a church. !!

I just wanted to chime in because I don't remember the name of the church, but there is some non-religious or non-denominational "church" in my city that my friend was always trying to get me to go to. She was a flaming atheist, but it was just too "churchy" and "organized" for my taste. I could see turning to a place like that as an outlet though if feeling very isolated. I wish I could remember the name of the organization, but maybe someone else will know what I am talking about. I also don't know if it was just a local church, but there may be something similar in your city.

Other than that, I think it's just a time in your life that isn't forever. I have certainly had those 7-day-per-week schedules and no down time beyond sleep and chores. What tends to happen is making friends at work and making social time through that outlet. Maybe it will happen with your new job, but will just take some time?

Also check out the local meetup.com groups. & I'd be open to the atheists group. I think people are becoming more comfortable with that label and seeking out support. My spouse has attended a few atheist meetup groups. I would agree that maybe 5 years ago those types would be mostly pretty extreme, but things are changing very quickly.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I just wanted to chime in because I don't remember the name of the church, but there is some non-religious or non-denominational "church" in my city that my friend was always trying to get me to go to. She was a flaming atheist, but it was just too "churchy" and "organized" for my taste. I could see turning to a place like that as an outlet though if feeling very isolated. I wish I could remember the name of the organization, but maybe someone else will know what I am talking about. I also don't know if it was just a local church, but there may be something similar in your city.

In my area that would probably be the "Ethical Society." An internet search shows that they go by similar names elsewhere.

[rennigade]

The first thing I would do is look for a new job. Your time is short enough on this planet. Find something with better hours.

2nd thing you could do would be to try online dating? Good way to meet people. I have 2 different friends who ended up marrying the person they met through online dating. Its probably not for everyone but someone who is socially awkward it may be something to look into.

[disneysteve]

The first thing I would do is look for a new job.

I do think the big problem here is that you are working 7 days a week. That isn't sustainable.

2nd thing you could do would be to try online dating?

OP is married.

[Petunia 100]

I just wanted to chime in because I don't remember the name of the church, but there is some non-religious or non-denominational "church" in my city that my friend was always trying to get me to go to. She was a flaming atheist, but it was just too "churchy" and "organized" for my taste. I could see turning to a place like that as an outlet though if feeling very isolated. I wish I could remember the name of the organization, but maybe someone else will know what I am talking about. I also don't know if it was just a local church, but there may be something similar in your city.

Is it perhaps Universal Unitarian?

As an agnostic, I would also not feel right about attending a church solely to socialize. I reject the basic idea which the people at church accept as their core value. Also, I would not be interested in becoming the focus of a conversion attempt.

[bigdaddybus]

I agree with the comments about cutting back hours at work, its just not sustainable for long periods of time working that much. I worked full time when I went back to school full time and that 3.5 yrs of my life was such a mess.

Over this summer I signed my wife and I up for a recreational sand volleyball league. We both ended up liking it even though our team really sucked, like last place sucked! It was 45minutes once a week for 12 weeks, allowed us to meet new people, exert some energy, joke around, and it didnt matter what the outcome was....all for $23 per person for the season. Not that sand volleyball is either of our thing, we just enjoyed having something.

I work with a guy who is on a curling team, he likes it as its a sport where he can drink beer. I worked with a foster children caseworker who enjoyed roller derby cause she can push around other chicks! Yoga, reading club, take an oil painting/photagraphy class at a local community college, go camping once a month, I'm sure there is something you can find.
I dont think it matters what "it" is, as long as you find something to unwind. I wish you the best

[MonkeyMama]

Is it perhaps Universal Unitarian?

Yes, I think that is it.

I came back to add one more thing - I think exercise is crucial when dealing with times of high stress. Though it might not be a hugely social thing, if I worked 7 days a week I would spend my mornings or evenings at the gym a few days a week. I do currently take aerobics class through the city and it is only $2.50 per class (& is a social outlet). My gym membership is $15 per month (you can always look for a gym buddy). Asking a neighbor or friend to go for a walk with you is free. I personally tend to stick to my workout schedules way more religiously when busy, because it's the only way I can function. In lower stress times I am not as good about it, because it becomes less "necessity". I share, because the first excuse is always "Time" but it's amazing how much better you will feel - more energy and more well rested if you take the time.

I am also not a very social person, but walking gets you out meeting more neighbors and so on. I have the smallest and most random of conversations, but it's always astounding to me how much community you generate in the smallest of interactions.

[hamchan]

Is it perhaps Universal Unitarian?

As an agnostic, I would also not feel right about attending a church solely to socialize. I reject the basic idea which the people at church accept as their core value. Also, I would not be interested in becoming the focus of a conversion attempt.

This. Also, I have checked out the calender for the church close to me, and they don't seem to have any events with secular appeal. They do have something called "beer and worship" which I have to admit is kind of cool, but I'm not really into either of those things.

As to why I am working seven days a week, it is not just one job. I have two jobs. One is brand new, and the other I have been at for seven months or so. I am working that many hours because frankly we need the money. We have certain expenses (medical mostly, but also child support and other court ordered expenses) that we have no control over and not paying them is not an option. We have some debt (medical and student loan), not a ton, but it needs to get paid off. At least the private loan does, since it does not have the same borrower protections. And we have not nearly enough savings in relation to what we realistically need. When people come here trying to pay off debt they are often advised to work a second job, and since debt repayment can go on for years this advice seems to be at odds with what you are now telling me.

The other reason I really have to work seven days a week right now is because of the nature of my work. I work on commission only, and it takes a while to build up clientele. That means that the first few months I will pretty much always take a pay cut from what I was making at the prior job. But since I had reached the absolute ceiling of what I could possibly make at my last job, and it wasn't really enough, my only realistic option was to look for a new job with a higher earning capacity. That and my income is wildly unpredictable, especially when starting at a brand new job, so I take as many hours as I can as a fail safe. So for now the second job is necessary just to be able to pay our bills at a comfortable margin. And I took the current job I have because it offers health insurance benefits, whereas before I did not have any. The idea of my husband not being able to work anymore and thus losing our health insurance with nothing else to fall back on fills me with all kinds of anxiety.

[hamchan]

Re: exercise. I don't drive, so a natural byproduct of that is that I walk a whole lot. There is nothing social about walking in Seattle. I have learned that if someone strikes up a conversation with you at random there is a strong likelyhood that they are either off their meds, or about to ask you for money.

[disneysteve]

I came back to add one more thing - I think exercise is crucial when dealing with times of high stress.

I agree. As I mentioned, I am currently serving as President of our synagogue, a congregation of over 450 families with an annual operating budget of over $1.5 million. Being in charge, while also working full time and having a family can be pretty stressful. I was determined to get back into a regular exercise routine as part of taking on the job. I started walking which much to my surprise morphed into some light running. I'm now doing 2 miles/day, 3 or 4 days/week. I ran 28 miles last month. Doing this gives me time to wind down from the pressures of the day and clear my head, watch a good show on Netflix (I run on my treadmill), and take care of my physical health too.

[Petunia 100]

The other reason I really have to work seven days a week right now is because of the nature of my work. I work on commission only, and it takes a while to build up clientele. That means that the first few months I will pretty much always take a pay cut from what I was making at the prior job. But since I had reached the absolute ceiling of what I could possibly make at my last job, and it wasn't really enough, my only realistic option was to look for a new job with a higher earning capacity. That and my income is wildly unpredictable, especially when starting at a brand new job, so I take as many hours as I can as a fail safe. So for now the second job is necessary just to be able to pay our bills at a comfortable margin. And I took the current job I have because it offers health insurance benefits, whereas before I did not have any. The idea of my husband not being able to work anymore and thus losing our health insurance with nothing else to fall back on fills me with all kinds of anxiety.

I think you are doing the best that you can, Hamchan. With Dh's health problems, it is important that you have some savings, as little debt as possible, and a back up plan for health insurance.

I do think you might try getting involved in something with a regular meeting which could double as a social outlet for you. It wouldn't have to be a huge time commitment. Have you ever played bunco? bingo? Do you like cards? Perhaps you could find a meet up group which is focused on playing a game and meets once a month or so. If that does not interest you, how about a book club? Try looking on meetup.com and see if anything sparks some interest.

If that doesn't appeal, how about hosting a pot luck dinner once per month and inviting those old friends you never see?

You need something to recharge your batteries.