Moochers

[nick__45]

I finally figure out at least came to be fed up with someone I know for his mooching behavior. I ran into him and his family/in-law and they invited me out for a drink. I wanted to pay for my share and my share alone but a member of the in-law picked up the tab for the first portion. Then this person, who is a co-worker and someone I hang out with but not a friend my definition, wanted to stay so we all stayed for more drinks. While most people just had beers he had to have expensive shots and when the bill came, he conveniently disappeared for half an hour to the bathroom. I was stick with a bill almost 100 dollars, which is a lot since I rarely goes out and never had a tab like that before.

Since most of my friends stick with pay-for-own-tab rule, I don't have a built-in mechanism to deal with moochers like this. Therefore, I decide to make it very clear that all bills are to be separated and I'll always pay for myself even if someone wants to pay for me. The only exception is that if we are definitely leaving for the evening and someone very close wants to cover it. While I do have friends that I invite over and even out as a family/couple thing, I had made it clear that I would cover for them and this is more of a career building sessions as well. In addition, the people I do pay for invite me over their house much more than I invite them so it is a fair relationship. I only happen to have one moocher in my circle that, while making significantly more than me, has a tendency to live beyond his mean but tend to dump that tab on others, whether it be cheating on his mortgage to get a government low rate for those people underwater or just defaulting on loans.

How do you deal with moochers?

[disneysteve]

How do you deal with moochers?

There are none in the circle of friends that we socialize with. If there were, I don't think they'd be invited to join us again. I'd probably eat the tab the one time but wouldn't let it happen again.

What is more likely to happen in our group actually is overpayment. It happened just last night. Eight of us went out. When everyone put in their share, there was extra money. What we've started doing recently - last night was the second time in the past month - is taking the extra and donating it to the local food pantry. It is a nice way of giving back for all that we have to help those who don't have.

[Nika]

Hm, what is wrong with saying to him "btw, your part was $100" when he emerged from the bathroom?
Have a check ready to show him if need be.

[cypher1]

My friends aren't moochers either. I've been in those social situations where others order ton of shots for themselves and expect others to cover by splitting evenly. Always stick with separate checks, and that helps for when others barely tip.

[disneysteve]

Hm, what is wrong with saying to him "btw, your part was $100" when he emerged from the bathroom?
Have a check ready to show him if need be.

Exactly. I was wondering what happened when he came back to the table.

[phantom]

I think I would hound the guy who disappeared when the check came till he paid me back. First I would let him know I expected to be paid back, then every time I saw him, I would ask if he had the money he owed me yet. In my mind, what he did amounts to theft, and I would feel the need to let him know my thoughts on the matter. Of course, depending on how much you have to work with the guy, it might be wiser to just let it go, and write it off as the price of learning a lesson.

In the future, I would definitely just avoid ambiguous check covering situations with acquaintances entirely. I came very close to having to choose between making a scene and paying for someone else's meal once, and I've made a point of not getting into similar situations since then. I only escaped because someone else was willing to pay his way. I immediately stopped associating with the jerk who refused to pay for himself, and I no longer eat with people who are not friends or family without insisting on separate checks. It's really sad that there are people out there who try to get out of paying for what they owe, but all you can really do about it is protect yourself.

[bjl584]

I usually just stop hanging out with people like that. Sometimes you end up eating the bill, but it teached you a valuable lesson.

[JoeP]

Usually the way it works is everyone takes turns with pitchers, getting what they like when it is their turn and pay on the spot, no tab or pooling. If someone wants to buy shots, either one for themselves or for the group, that person either starts their own tab or pays on the spot.

Did this person wait it out and when it was someone's turn suddenly ask for their to be shots? If so, then that is considered poor form. You don't get shots or top shelf unless you're paying for it or someone offers. And if someone offers, you are obliged to at least offer to reciprocate.

I'd keep away from this person.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Depends on the situation. Coworkers well you just have to end up eating the tab to "go with the flow". I never drink during lunch and many people do. Splitting the check never happens because they don't want to do it at the restaurant more than 2 checks. But then it evens out because some the head honcho comes and pays for everything. So maybe it's karma? I told DH we put it down in our "eating out business" expenses. Can't be helped. Like going out for happy hour drinks. Ugh. Sometimes you end up spending when you don't really want to.

Now friends? I'd suck it up one time but after that I'd stop going out with them. For the most part I do it fairly with friends. Split the check, back and forth, or separate checks. Depends on the friend and situation. Me and a close friend always go back and forth. She pays for the more expensive meals I've noticed in general (sit down versus my panera lunch out). But she makes more than me so probably that's why. But I pay my fair share.

Now true moochers are my DH's family. Unfortunately you CANNOT escape your family no matter what you do. You can't cut them off, you can't even try to stop going out. Why? Because true moochers leech not just meals but EVERYTHING. For example we went to the Bronx Zoo last weekend and my in-laws didn't buy their own tickets they expected us to pay. They didn't buy us lunch at the zoo, they didn't buy tickets, they didn't pay for gas, they didn't even buy my DD a toy, let alone the souvenior cup. So the only way would have been to ditch them, which was the whole point of seeing them. Ugh.

Second exmample my MIL says "I want NY Cheesecake". You'd think the person wanting it would pay? NOPE. She stuck us with the check again. My DH and I even went to the bathroom when the check came and my FIL and MIL didn't pick up the check. Trust me at meals this happens. NO MATTER what they never pay.

Third, grocery shopping, how about I cook a nice meal? Do they buy any groceries? Nope they just stick whatever they want in the cart and make suggestions for what to make, steak, lobster, etc.

So cooking at home, eating out, going to an attraction, movie, etc, you name it? We pay. That's true moocherism. Even trying to save money and cooking at home? I end up spending more because they suggest what they want to eat and throw in what they want into the cart. I don't complain because when my family comes (which is more often and more of them), I let them do the same. The difference is my family always pays when we go out and fight even paying for groceries or ticket. ALL of them aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, brothers,sisters, etc. Extremely generous.

It's very hard for me to be so cheap with my in-laws when I know spend a lot on my family but again it's reciprocal and my DH can acknowledge that.

My in-laws are the worse. Even my BIL is a moocher (we called him uncle cheapskate until this last trip with my in-laws) when they took the cake. But my BIL has gotten better over 10 years and actually gifted my duaghter a birthday present and christmas present.

It's the acknowledgement of receiving something or doing something nice reciprocal that drives me up the wall.

By the way, I married into my DH's family and when we went to visit his aunt, grandmother, uncles, I got jewelry as appropriate. My MIL/FIL never gave me anything to acknowledge our marriage. It didn't have to be expensive but the spiteful nature of giving me nothing irks me till this day. Nor did I get a gift for our DD upon birth when the rest of his family gave us the piece of jewelry. We didn't ask for anything but traditionally it is done, and I know my DH was very proud they acknowledged her.

Sorry for my rant about moochers.

[nick__45]

OP here,

This person isn't a friend but someone I work around and had known or close with for over 7 years. Including myself, there were 5 people at this outing; me, his guy and his wife, his sister-in-law and her husband. The sister-in-law's husband picked up a first tab and that didn't sit well with me since I preferred to pay for myself. This was at a nicer restaurant and we sat outside so paying for each drink individually would have be odd but not impossible. The moocher literally disappear for over half an hour to the bathroom. I should have just waited to split the bill with him since the other fellow paid the first tab which was probably around 50 dollars because it didn't include expensive shots.

The lesson here is to always refuse paying together in the future unless I or someone had expressively indicated the person covering the cost way before the outing occurs. With my friends, it is usually understood in advance because we all are very busy so we go out once in awhile with our spouse and it is known who will cover it. This is simply because the occasion usually equate to a show of appreciation for something occurred. For example, my wife and I invited my supervisor and one co-worker and their family over for dinner and we spent over 200s in recipe as well as 10 hours to prepare. It was worth every penny as I get coverage from work and get to establish personal relationship with these people. My wife and I also invited my supervisor and his wife out to dinner once and while he offered to pay, I took care of the tab without hesitant because it is worth it. Of course, my supervisor invited my wife and I to a very fancy restaurant and covered the tab. The thing with me is that when I know someone else will cover that tab or if the place is expensive, I usually order the very minimum. I believe the right people recognize and appreciate that considerate character. The thing that really upset me about his MOOCHER is that he ordered very expensive items, knowing full well he would skip out on the tab.

The next time he invites me out, I'll make it clear in advance he'll cover my tab because I am sure he remembers this evening. Otherwise, I won't accept the invitation as he needs to go out and I don't.

I also learn an important lesson here. I'll make sure to leave my wallet in the car and only bring enough cash to cover for myself when I go out with someone I don't have a need or care to cover them. The people I do cover tabs for for very few and they usually provide career benefits far exceed whatever tabs I may cover. I also only go out with them less than 3 times a year for tabs more than 50 dollars and less than 10 times a year for lunch tabs under 30 dollars and everyone usually cover their own lunch tabs.