money destroying marriage

[disneysteve]

I understand that you are frustrated but you need to take a step back and approach the issue a different way. I'm sure she is on the defensive and you get mad.

Exactly. Well stated.

Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. If what you've been doing hasn't worked, you need to try something else.

[DebbieL]

Since someone already volunteered a #4, I'll give you a #5. Find a lawyer, and protect your assets. Then divorce her. Sounds rough, I know, and there's more to marriage than money. But you are spending your life- your time- working, and she is not. You are providing for her, but she is refusing to be accountable in any way. Your future is not looking any better if you can't even have a rational discussion about making a plan.

This might sound harsh to some, but I'll admit I kind of agree.

[jpg7n16]

This might sound harsh to some, but I'll admit I kind of agree.

I actually felt it was the worst advice posted so far.

"Hey look, you're working hard with your life makin all the money while she hangs around the house doing nothing all day. If she won't do what you tell her, kick her out - and use a lawyer in advance to make sure she gets as little as possible."

Rather than work on your marriage and communication, just get a divorce. Very selfish advice, and I don't like it.


There's obviously some reason she doesn't want to sit down to discuss the budget. Likely the way OP is framing the discussion. OP and his wife didn't sit down and discuss how they as a family could change to fix the budget issues. OP told her to track expenses. Told her to keep receipts. Told her to keep a household expense sheet. Where was her input in all that?

With some counseling on communicating, and approaching their issues as a couple, they can get past this. I mean, it's a budget. It's like personal finance 101. But it has to be THEIR budget, and THEIR process - not HIS.

[snshijuptr]

Did you even bother to sit down and discuss with her, not tell her, what your (as in both of you) financial goals are? Maybe you both don't need to track expenses, but instead have a pay yourselves first where money goes into a savings/retirement account either directly after your paycheck or right after payday.

I care about tracking expenses so that we don't run out of money by the end of the month so I do the tracking. I use our credit card statements and checking statements to track our basic Needs/Wants expenses. It may be a pain for your wife to go out of her way to track expenses especially if she doesn't see a need for it.

[snafu]

Grinote, we don't know how long you've been married, whether you view marriage as a partnership or hold the view that since you earn all the income, the money is yours. Wifey should be grateful and do what she's told since she is not valued by either an employer or you. I've heard it described as the Ralph Kramden syndrome...a 50's TV sitcom.

I have the impression that you hesitate going for counseling out of concern that the counselor might not agree with your view that your wife must be obedient particularly on the topic of money.

We all know that money is the most common issue that cause couples to divorce. Did you talk to your lady about your views on money before you decided to wed? Were you aware of how she thought of money? Since she is reacting angrily to your demands, I presume she finds your attitude arrogant and disrespectful.

[cschin4]

Instead of "putting her on a budget" or the like, is there a way to make this more of a team approach. Like setting common goals toward home, family, vacations and so forth? And, some people really have no clue how to deal with money and never will. So, she does need to discuss it with you and find what will work for both of you. Where are the major spending problems? Groceries or buying overpriced purses and stuff like that? First, look at where the money is going. Discuss your common goals and try to come up with a plan. She may never want to keep receipts or really even want to understand. So, a workable plan is what you need.
And, realize that life truly is more than just money. If she is a kind, loving person with good qualities, we all have to accept that there are things about our spouse that aren't perfect and we find ways to live with that and let some things go and have a happy life.

[kv968]

I agree with everyone that this is most likely a communication issue and a marriage counselor would probably be a good idea to help deal with that.

We all know that money is the most common issue that cause couples to divorce. Did you talk to your lady about your views on money before you decided to wed? Were you aware of how she thought of money? Since she is reacting angrily to your demands, I presume she finds your attitude arrogant and disrespectful.

My thing is her reacting angrily to the OP's "demands" and finding his attitude arrogant and disrespectful. It very well may come off like that and, if that's the case, the OP would have to, as it's been suggested, step back and try a different approach. And possibly with the help of a counselor.

However no one seems to have addressed the issue of maybe the wife IS in fact blowing through the money on whatever and doesn't WANT him to know where the money is going. And with just getting mad when the subject is brought up may be her way of getting him off the subject.

Again, that still boils down to a communication issue but it might not necessarily be the "attitude" of the OP that's the problem.

[Jack2012]

How about 4 - work together to come up with a plan that you both like and follow? I think a wife should be seen as a partner. When you say things like "put her on a budget" it does sound very much like she's an employee that you're giving orders to. I don't know if you've phrased it that way to her, but even if she's getting hints of that attitude, it's not surprising that's she's reacted negatively. I know I'd be pretty angry at my husband if he told me he wanted to put me on a budget.

You're probably right that the way you're handling your finances right now needs some work, especially if it looks like you're not getting anywhere with your savings. But, you need to start with the idea that you've both made some mistakes up to this point and you need to work together to improve things. Try apologizing for making it sound like you want to give your wife orders and tell her that what you actually want to do is work together with her to take better care of your money. Talk to her about things you would like to be able to do with more savings and ask what she would like to do. Once she has some ideas about what you could accomplish by saving, she should be a little more interested in working with you. Then as you work through how you need to change your spending habits, start by offering to cut back on some spending that is important to you.

I agree with this, it's difficult to take care of the things alone, but you have to talk to her to get in an accord. I believe that maybe you are talking to her in a way that is not exactly the preferred by her, and so she thinks that you don't valorize her and all that... so try to talk softly and get in one accord together.

[bennkar]

Since someone already volunteered a #4, I'll give you a #5. Find a lawyer, and protect your assets. Then divorce her. Sounds rough, I know, and there's more to marriage than money. But you are spending your life- your time- working, and she is not. You are providing for her, but she is refusing to be accountable in any way. Your future is not looking any better if you can't even have a rational discussion about making a plan.

I know people don't like this advice, but if you've reasonable tried items 1-4, then #5 is the way to go. There *ARE* some people that refuse to be responsible, and no amount of counseling is going to help in those cases. If you're in this boat, option #5 is not an unreasonable idea.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually #5 is the easy way out. Working on a marriage or relationship is more work than people are willing to do or change.

Even before I stopped working we needed to work on communicating without getting angry. Our life was good otherwise and throwing my DH over one issue, and yes it was/is a big issue, was not the way to end our relationship.

Same with money. Throwing away a relationship over money without trying marital counseling is stupid and foolish and honestly would have cost more than investing in counseling.

[EEinNJ]

I know people don't like this advice, but if you've reasonable tried items 1-4, then #5 is the way to go. There *ARE* some people that refuse to be responsible, and no amount of counseling is going to help in those cases. If you're in this boat, option #5 is not an unreasonable idea.

Actually #5 is the easy way out. Working on a marriage or relationship is more work than people are willing to do or change.

Even before I stopped working we needed to work on communicating without getting angry. Our life was good otherwise and throwing my DH over one issue, and yes it was/is a big issue, was not the way to end our relationship.

Same with money. Throwing away a relationship over money without trying marital counseling is stupid and foolish and honestly would have cost more than investing in counseling.

Speaking from unfortunate experience, #5 is NOT the easy way out, and in my case it was a last resort after years of trying to patch things up or just ignore the problem. But yes, there ARE people who are pathologically irresponsible with money, who spend beyond their means, run up credit card bills, overdraw checking accounts, and stiff people they owe money to.

I know, I was married to one. We had other problems, but this was underlying it all.

[ninasen]

Your problem maybe not money. Actually, you should communicate with your wife. But when communicating, first you should listen to what your wife said and know her idea well. We ofter want to express ourselves and don't know listening is very important.