money destroying marriage

[Gringote]

Short version. I work, and my wife doesn't. I want her to keep track of where the money goes, and she says I am trying to control her, and that I don't trust her. We cannot save a penny, and I want to get a handle on expenses, but every time I ask her to save receipts or keep a household expense sheet, she gets furious. Any suggestions?

[woodie96]

Sounds to me like you need to sit down with her and discuss the two of you working toward a common goal of saving for your future.
Maybe the way you are presenting it to her, puts her on the defense. Trying more of a team approach might help.

[jpg7n16]

I'd say find a good marriage counselor in your area.

[Gringote]

bummed

Thanks, are their professional counselors who specialize in this sort of problem? Whenever I ask to sit down and talk, she refuses to discusss it, saying that I'm treating her like an employee, not a wife. What is a wife, anyway? As I see it, my options are: 1-Take control of all expenses, 2- put her on a budget, or 3- Accept that I will die poor and try to enjoy each day.

[jpg7n16]

Thanks, are their professional counselors who specialize in this sort of problem?

Well, yeah. Marriage communication problems. That's what they do. Did you think your problem is actually finances??

Your problem isn't money, its communication.

[Gringote]

Thanks

I know that both you and Woodie are saying the same thing - that we need to talk, and you're both right in recognizing the communication problem. My problem here is that I am unwilling to budge on this (keeping track of expenses), and if a counselor determines that I'm in the wrong, I don't know how I will handle that.

[jpg7n16]

My problem here is that I am unwilling to budge on this (keeping track of expenses), and if a counselor determines that I'm in the wrong, I don't know how I will handle that.

The counselor will help you communicate why the budget issue is so important to you. And also help you understand the issues your wife has with either the plan, or your presentation of it.

It's not a counselors job to give financial advice. It's their job to help you guys communicate what's going on, why it's important to you, and come to an agreement as a couple.

[phantom]

Thanks, are their professional counselors who specialize in this sort of problem? Whenever I ask to sit down and talk, she refuses to discusss it, saying that I'm treating her like an employee, not a wife. What is a wife, anyway? As I see it, my options are: 1-Take control of all expenses, 2- put her on a budget, or 3- Accept that I will die poor and try to enjoy each day.

How about 4 - work together to come up with a plan that you both like and follow? I think a wife should be seen as a partner. When you say things like "put her on a budget" it does sound very much like she's an employee that you're giving orders to. I don't know if you've phrased it that way to her, but even if she's getting hints of that attitude, it's not surprising that's she's reacted negatively. I know I'd be pretty angry at my husband if he told me he wanted to put me on a budget.

You're probably right that the way you're handling your finances right now needs some work, especially if it looks like you're not getting anywhere with your savings. But, you need to start with the idea that you've both made some mistakes up to this point and you need to work together to improve things. Try apologizing for making it sound like you want to give your wife orders and tell her that what you actually want to do is work together with her to take better care of your money. Talk to her about things you would like to be able to do with more savings and ask what she would like to do. Once she has some ideas about what you could accomplish by saving, she should be a little more interested in working with you. Then as you work through how you need to change your spending habits, start by offering to cut back on some spending that is important to you.

[disneysteve]

As I see it, my options are: 1-Take control of all expenses, 2- put her on a budget, or 3- Accept that I will die poor and try to enjoy each day.

There's your problem. If these are the only 3 options in your mind, you've spelled it out pretty clearly.

1. Take control of all expenses. This is clearly you controlling the situation.
2. Put her on a budget. This is also you controlling the situation.
3. Give up. This is you saying that if you can't control the situation, you don't want to play anymore.

Where is the option where the two of you work together, each playing an equal role in the process, each getting an equal vote in what gets done and how it gets done?

[bjl584]

You two should talk to a professional. Your problem is larger than what a financial forum is going to be able to solve.

[rj.phila]

You two should talk to a professional. Your problem is larger than what a financial forum is going to be able to solve.

agreed.

here's a thing that i have found helpful: start doing everything you can to validate her perspective, and address her concerns, before moving the convo back to savings. try to really understand her feelings, regarding her feeling of "not being trusted". try to address them. find things to mention that prove that you do trust her, and that this issue isnt about trust. it is said that 60% of divorces result from financial issues, so you are not an outlier by any means. good luck.

your intent is perfectly justifiable, but HOW it is gone about can make all the difference in the world, when it comes to a partnership like a marriage.

[EEinNJ]

I know that both you and Woodie are saying the same thing - that we need to talk, and you're both right in recognizing the communication problem. My problem here is that I am unwilling to budge on this (keeping track of expenses), and if a counselor determines that I'm in the wrong, I don't know how I will handle that.

Since someone already volunteered a #4, I'll give you a #5. Find a lawyer, and protect your assets. Then divorce her. Sounds rough, I know, and there's more to marriage than money. But you are spending your life- your time- working, and she is not. You are providing for her, but she is refusing to be accountable in any way. Your future is not looking any better if you can't even have a rational discussion about making a plan.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Finances are not often about finances, but power and control in a relationship. Many friends have gone down that path to divorce because they never communicate and work out their power and control but exert their wills within financial arguments.

Get thee to a marriage counselor and work at the marriage. It's not easy and you have to practice what you learn there and GO REGULARLY.

Trust me it's cheaper to invest in marriage counselor than to get a divorce. I've been going to one for 3 years now and it's been good. We've greatly improved our communication skills and our relationship is better than ever. We've easily weathered having a child and PPD.

We've always been financially on the same page, but had other issues we ignored and couldn't bring up. Now we're more on the same page and we can communicate arguments without getting upset. It's not really about money but rather our opinions and how to express our thoughts without judgement and with equal say.

I don't work, but I did and I don't feel any less a contributor to the marriage nor does my DH feel I am "not" contributing. I'd be extremely angry and resentful if i were put on a "budget" and if he were the "boss" because before marriage and pre-kids it didn't work like that and it isn't going to fly now.

Although days like today when on vacation and he's been dealing with our 2 year old all day he suddenly has insight on what my day is like and why sometimes I lie on the couch at the end of the day.

[jperryharris]

Communication solutions

First and foremost you need to come to your wife as a teammate and show some understanding verses control, then you need to let her know that you love her so much that you'd hate to not be able to retire to spend even more time with her and that you feel that you both need to come up with budgeting solutions ask her what she thinks about a budget and let her be the one to make it with your support! I am a stay at home mother/wife as well and I manage a majority of the expenses and I dont purchase anything thats over $25 dollars with out talking it over with my husband thats how we agreed on our spending plan as a team not under control. Ask her dont tell her! Me and my husband work together when it comes to decisions not alone thats what a marriage is about solutions not complaining. (Example: you buy your child candy all the time as your checking out well one day you decide to say NO they arent used to you saying no so they are gonna throw a tantrum throw themselves all over the floor and cry and rebel and try whatever they can do to get what they want.) Well as adults we need to learn that we cannot get everything we want thats a lesson that we should learn early on but sometimes we dont due to a various amount of reasons(perhaps our parents always gave what we want, or maybe we never even got the things we needed;not wanted) now as adults we often try to excuse our childish behaviors. The point here is in this hard time you need to return the person you fell in love with and the person you should know better then anyone else in the world and thats the woman you married your wife. Treat her with dignity and respect treat her like a queen and she will return the favor 10 fold. That by no means giving in to her every whim she is an adult and she needs your help in realizing that. She most importantly need your help realizing that she doesnt need all this "stuff" Hope that helps! God bless you two!

[sblatner]

We've been married for almost 21 years. We have always had a rule that we couldn't spend $50 without telling the other person - not for stuff like groceries but for stuff like new tires, car repairs, clothing, etc. It wasn't to get an okay from the other person, it was so that we both didn't go blowing a bunch of money at the same time and then when the credit card bill arrived, we wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I understand that you are frustrated but you need to take a step back and approach the issue a different way. I'm sure she is on the defensive and you get mad.