Getting a little tired of being so frugal...

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually Seeker, she moved in when her mom had cancer. But she now lives with her dad. The reason for doing so was to afford a home when she got married.

Now her dad offered her the opportunity to buy his home. And that's all she can think about. Her home. She hasn't opened a Roth IRA, she hasn't saved for retirement outside of her pension because she's saving entirely for a home purchase.

She has turned into a Scrooge in some ways because she's obssessed with a home purchase. I wonder if this also didn't affect the relationship which just ended? That and living at home and telling her fiancee, "let's live with my dad to pay off your debt." We've only heard one side of the breakup.

Typically both people are to blame, unless he was cheating on her, which she implied it wasn't. It was other stuff. So I'm guessing that she's not scott free.

But a relationship is hard. Harder still when you have a parent around constantly observing a relatioship. I can't imagine starting a relationship with a man at nearly 30, who lives with his mom/dad. I get that it's cheap, but I'd really have my doubts over his maturity and responsibility with regards to our relationship.

I would want him to live independently so we can see how our relationship progresses. Look I'll put a caveat in since so many people will say but what about "if the parent is disabled". Then I understand. But if the parent is perfectly capable of living independently then I think the man/woman should too.

I also believe that even paying "rent" of $400 is not enough. I want to see they can pay all bills on time, that they can manage their life without supervision. Even more so for SS because she's bipolar. I would think a man would want to see that she can manage and know exactly who and what he is getting involved with.

Take it with a grain of salt. I'm sure many would say they would live at home. And date someone living at home. So it's my opinion.

[tripods68]

LAL is right you have to get out, meet new people and move-on with your life, instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Go out for a mini-vacation and use that time of "reflection" about YOU. There are so many opportunities and activities in places you have yet to visit or do. I use to travel a lot when I was single, visiting many different places foreign and domestics. Start enjoying life but start with what you enjoy the most. The journey and the planning sometimes is the event.

[disneysteve]

But a relationship is hard. Harder still when you have a parent around constantly observing a relatioship. I can't imagine starting a relationship with a man at nearly 30, who lives with his mom/dad. I get that it's cheap, but I'd really have my doubts over his maturity and responsibility with regards to our relationship.

To be fair, I don't think you can generalize like this. My wife lived at home with her parents until we got married. She was almost 29. I never questioned her maturity or responsibility based on her living with her parents.

Of course, she didn't continue to live there once we got married. We had our own place then.

[Broken Arrow]

Just as a passing comment, I do agree with Steve on this.

My parents... well, my mother anyway, has always been kind of nosy about my relationships. But she's always praised it when something is good about it, and always nagged me about the dangers when it's not.

Well, maybe nagging is kind of a strong word because I know she's just watching out for me. And almost always, she's right too. It was just a matter of me learning to listen to her.

So, not all parents observing your relationship is bad. In fact, if I ever meet anyone decent, I'm definitely taking her over to meet my parents.

[jIM_Ohio]

Actually Seeker, she moved in when her mom had cancer. But she now lives with her dad. The reason for doing so was to afford a home when she got married.

Now her dad offered her the opportunity to buy his home. And that's all she can think about. Her home. She hasn't opened a Roth IRA, she hasn't saved for retirement outside of her pension because she's saving entirely for a home purchase.

She has turned into a Scrooge in some ways because she's obssessed with a home purchase. I wonder if this also didn't affect the relationship which just ended? That and living at home and telling her fiancee, "let's live with my dad to pay off your debt." We've only heard one side of the breakup.

Typically both people are to blame, unless he was cheating on her, which she implied it wasn't. It was other stuff. So I'm guessing that she's not scott free.

But a relationship is hard. Harder still when you have a parent around constantly observing a relatioship. I can't imagine starting a relationship with a man at nearly 30, who lives with his mom/dad. I get that it's cheap, but I'd really have my doubts over his maturity and responsibility with regards to our relationship.

I would want him to live independently so we can see how our relationship progresses. Look I'll put a caveat in since so many people will say but what about "if the parent is disabled". Then I understand. But if the parent is perfectly capable of living independently then I think the man/woman should too.

I also believe that even paying "rent" of $400 is not enough. I want to see they can pay all bills on time, that they can manage their life without supervision. Even more so for SS because she's bipolar. I would think a man would want to see that she can manage and know exactly who and what he is getting involved with.

Take it with a grain of salt. I'm sure many would say they would live at home. And date someone living at home. So it's my opinion.

I agree with everything above.

I think about the bold part every time I read an SnS thread, but did not choose to be the first to post it.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Steve and BA, how did you know the person was fine living at home? What signs are there? Versus moving out and renting, NOT necessarily living with you, but just independently?

I ask because I am around SS age and I have many friends living at home and alone. I can pick out the ones who are living at home for a purpose (ie school loans, home purchase, etc), those freeloading, and those too immature to grow up.

The freeloaders, have a great car, all the newest toys (Xbox, PS3 and Wii), they can eat out everyday, new clothes, vacations, etc.

Those saving typically are more frugal.

Those too young to grow up? They aren't necessarily spendthrifts, instead they are spoiled homebodies. Mom does laundry, cooks dinner, etc. My roommate is one of these people. Responsible with finances, he could easily afford to move out, but loves living with us and would move in with his parents. He likes his mom cooking and cleaning for him. He likes his mom packing lunch. His brother lives at home and she does this for him. He's a responsible guy, he enjoys life, but he wouldn't dream of cooking/cleaning/etc.

We're talking cutting up apples and peeling the skin off. Just stuff like that. Or fixing the house when it breaks, his parents take care of it. He isn't out spending his money on foolish things. Nor is he saving to buy a house, because he has more than enough to buy a home (actually his parents will give him the DP). And $0 school loans, he just feels why live outside the home? He's single and not dating.

And I've a couple more just like that. They feel no pressure to date, because explaining why they are living at home when they make a good salary, no debts, could buy a home but choose not to, is hard.

It's different when you say "I have $100k in student loans, or I'm saving a DP". You have no loans, have a DP, and have no desire to live alone.

And then

[Broken Arrow]

Hehe, didn't mean to get involved in a debate about this.

Quite simply, I assumed nothing about the situation at hand.

All I am saying anyway, is that not all relationships have to be that bad because parents are involved. While I'm sure some parents are difficult to work with, especially when in a relationship, I think some parents can be a positive influence, not a negative one.

It just depends, that's all.

[disneysteve]

LAL - I think you answered your own question. It isn't hard at all to tell who is living at home but chomping at the bit to get out on their own and who is living at home, dependent on their parents with no plan or desire to have it any other way.

[ScrimpAndSave]

He drank too much.

I didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was saving aggressively for our future.

[disneysteve]

He drank too much.

I didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was saving aggressively for our future.

Yep. I had forgotten that fact. You're better off without that issue to deal with. Marrying a drug addict is bad news.

[ScrimpAndSave]

Thanks Steve,

I think I am too...

I guess the general consensus is that I just need to relax, enjoy myself more and I can't afford my fathers house.

[wincrasher]

Well I don't think there is anything wrong with living with parents, per se.

I know a few at work where the kids were off on their own, but couldn't make it for one reason or another and have returned home for awhile. There certainly is no shame in it.

Most parents, I think, would want their kid home if the alternative is living in poverty. Others just want to have someone at home with them - my mother is this type - she would LOVE to have that empty nest filled.

Life is really expensive these days. Housing is still INSANE in many cities. Staying at home till you are ready and able to go on your own without putting yourself at risk (financially or emotionally) can be a good move.

Me, I was out the door at 18 - I couldn't wait to do my own thing.