Looks like I might be going about this solo...

[Well Spent]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's devastating.

Do what you can to get the deposits back but don't make yourself crazy about it. Don't make any big decisions for awhile. Just let it sink in.

[zakity]

As hard as it is to hear this, it really is true. It is much easier in the long run to end a relationship before marriage because that complicates things a lot

It is easier to end it now. (coming from someone who should have never have gotten married to her husband)


I hope you get most of your money back. That really sucks that he did that.

But, I totally agree with whoever said about taking care of yourself. Go on long walks. Take a bubble bath. Go out with some friends. Maybe go for a weekend somewhere with a few good friends.

If you are still having issues for when about the time you were supposed to get married, plan a weekend with your friends. Keep it packed with activities to keep you distracted. Maybe even go on a trip as a celebration that you weren't trapped with the wrong partner!!

[Well Spent]

Perhaps it's for the best. It really sounds like yall weren't exactly starting on the right foot. I mean if he's got all of that law school debt he's got to have some law income right? It sounds like you're paying for everything AND taking on his debt.

I dunno. It's your personal life and I'm not there. I hope you get most of your deposits back.

It seems different because of the (I'm assuming) gender role reversal. The man broke the engagement, right?

This is a good example of why keeping finances separate until the marriage contract is signed is vital. I just a "House Hunters" show where a babyfaced 26 year old bought a foreclosed house for about $90,000 (!!!!) in Detroit and moved a girl in. I don't if he was charging her to live there but they had no marriage plans. They actually got giggly when questioned about their future. I've seen cases where women have gotten their man (the homeowner) kicked out of his own home when she accused him of assault.

I've actually found it common that women support men while they pursue education for high-paying careers like medicine and law. Often if the man leaves the marriage decades later, the wife tries to get payback for her investment in his career.

Scrimp in some ways is lucky that it's only deposits for the party she may lose out on rather than tuition or his other bills.

[DebbieL]

How true Well Spent. I remember several months back some were sort of suggesting that she start combining things and pay off his student loans (or something of that nature). I told her NO WAY would I do that (and she had no intention of doing so at least until married - smart girl). I'm pretty sure this is the situation I'm remembering. I don't really have the time to dig for the thread though, but I'm pretty sure it was Scrimp's situation I'm thinking of.

[jIM_Ohio]

How true Well Spent. I remember several months back some were sort of suggesting that she start combining things and pay off his student loans (or something of that nature). I told her NO WAY would I do that (and she had no intention of doing so at least until married - smart girl). I'm pretty sure this is the situation I'm remembering. I don't really have the time to dig for the thread though, but I'm pretty sure it was Scrimp's situation I'm thinking of.

You never know if advice is good until you take it (or have history to validate not taking it).

It was my suggestion (might have been others suggestions too), good for SNS for not taking it.

[disneysteve]

My wife and I opened our first joint account as soon as we got engaged. We wanted somewhere joint to put engagement gifts and start functioning as a couple (even though we weren't physically living together until after the wedding). It was the right decision for us and if I had to do it again, I'd do the exact same thing and advise others to do the same. That said, it obviously doesn't work in every case.

[DebbieL]

I would never advise anyone to combine and start paying off the debts of their partner before marriage (personally I didn't do it even after marriage- but DH only had a tiny amount of debt anyways). I agree - good for her that she didn't do that.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I kinda think during the engagement would be a good time to combine finances since you are paying for a wedding together. But I realize not everyone is comfortable.

But it's good she found out early. May I ask what ended the relationship? Is there any potential for reconciling?

[ScrimpAndSave]

He was drinking too much (in my eyes)...defensive about it...it wasn't working.

[jIM_Ohio]

[joke] drinking too much around the holidays for me is a tradition (and form of toleration of others)[/joke]

If you want to reconcile there are two choices
[joke]
1) he stops drinking
2) you start drinking
[/joke]

Good move to call it off if he doesn't stop.

[ScrimpAndSave]

It's not just a holiday thing...I love to drink wine and get silly. Pounding down 12-14 beer consistently...not fun.

[SacredFaerie]

Wow Scrimp you dodged a bullet.

Combining finances doesn't work for everyone but it can work for some. Like for example, Scrimp a flag would have gone up for me when he was carrying all this debt but it would have gone back done if he was helping to pay for the wedding. The fact that he wasn't........that's the second and third strike.

[ScrimpAndSave]

I dunno. I think I did the right thing and I feel good about that. I am just going to find it hard living at home till I am 30 just to afford this house. I don't know what is smart. I can find a place that is around $175,000 - $200,000 to buy...much smaller of course. I could put 10% down.

I don't know. I am not about to move out right now. Just weighing options.

[SacredFaerie]

Which is good. Weigh the options over and over and over if you have to.

[jIM_Ohio]

Do you know someone which owns a condo in your area? Another teacher for example? Ask them if you can see their place.

Once inside, many people could not tell a condo from a ranch style house. There are "luxery" condos.