His, Hers, Ours

[seattlemanicurist]

You are what my friends used to call roommates with fringe benefits.

I respectfully disagree. Our relationship is 10X stronger than my marriage ever was because we respect one another's boundaries. If we got married nothing would change.

[disneysteve]

I respectfully disagree. Our relationship is 10X stronger than my marriage ever was because we respect one another's boundaries. If we got married nothing would change.

No offense intended. If it works for you and your partner, that's all that matters.

[tripods68]

Steve--I say that because you MAKE 5 or 7 times more than your wife is making. If you are in-charge of controlling the family finances, such as paying the household bill and the ultimate decision-maker (even when you compromise) in purchasing items (big or small) I say, you have FULL control. As you said "I have the final say" your statement NOT mine.

BTW: I don't mean to disrespect or judging of you and your wife if I sound that way. In fact, the opposite is true. So I apologize up front if my comments is somehow misunderstood--even though I don't think it is.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Tripod, I make about 1/4 what my DH does. I run the finances in our household.

Now maat, if you want to say the more financially responsible person, THEN i might agree. BUT (I'm lazy and don't want to use the quote), in your OP you specifically said

I get last say because I am the head of the household according to the bible. And someone needs final authority.

Why does someone need final authority? It's not a dictatorship, it's a partnership.

Also I am going to state that you don't need a final decision maker. That's what compromise is. Joint, mutual decisions. Both people walk away being satisfied with the decision.

But heck if the marriage works, more power to you. I realize it's a generational thing. That nowadays more people marry later, have a longer period of time managing their OWN money as singles, and are less likely to be subjugated to someone else's final authority.

Because of that I do realize that I'm saying what perhaps your daughter would say to you.

And I would like to point out, how would you feel if you had a daughter and she takes on a role like your wife of being submissive to the head of the household (her husband) who is financially incompetent but feels that the man runs the finances?

Would your view point change? My parents are traditional. My dad is almost 80, so there is a definite generational thing. BUT he is a hypocrite and so is my mom. IF the two girls were submissive to their husbands like that, I think they would die.

But then again, my brothers are super dads/husbands. They are actively hands-on, change diapers, do laundry, involved with the kids majorly. So I guess one could say our parents made sure the kids were just all around involved with the marriage and family. There are no roles.

FWIW, my DH used to do all of the cooking. I didn't cook for almost 7 years. Now I do because he's busy. Instead I had to clean the house while he cooked. Female work? Nah. He just is a better cook and prefers not to eat my grub. He also grocery shopped and made menus. I always did laundry, vaccum, dust, etc.

[disneysteve]

LAL - You just described my household. I'm off from work today. I've already done 5 loads of laundry. I frequently do the grocery shopping and almost always do the cooking. Oh, I also dusted and vacuumed the 2 bedrooms today. I've also been to the bank, Staples, The Container Store, my office to pick something up, printed a bunch of programs for the Bat Mitzvah, worked on the centerpieces and more.

I agree that there has been a generational shift and "traditional" male/female roles aren't nearly as common as they were in my parents' generation.

[disneysteve]

tripods68 - No offense taken. Basically, the way it works is that I have the final say... except when I don't.

[DebbieL]

DH and I keep separate (mostly) finances. We have NEVER disagreed about money issues, spending or anything of that nature. We are in complete sync financially.

PS - I am not religious, and if ANY man tried to tell me he had final say in disagreements he'd be out the door with my boot up his arse.

[DebbieL]

You don't make sense. If you have the last word, you DO make all the decisions. How kind of you to "LET" her make a decision when you don't care.

Christians suck! (And I'm Catholic.) Your behavior is abuse cloaked in history, religion, and distorted, perverted values.

Final authority

LOL. I really like you Well Spent! I liked your post on the other issue too (with the wife that isn't willing to share her inheritance).

[simpleyme]

the tittle of this thread is interesting his, hers, ours


OURS= his/hers

my husband would never put himself first

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Debbie and Wellspent you had me laughing with the imagery. I wouldn't kick a man out, I'd politely explain that if he were in my house saying that then I'm GOD. My dad used to tell me that as a kid, it's my house and I'm god here, especially when I whined.

And trust me before I ever moved in with someone, married or not, I'd know how they view me.

Partner or V.P. I personally prefer partner.

[moneybags]

PS - I am not religious, and if ANY man tried to tell me he had final say in disagreements he'd be out the door with my boot up his arse.

This is what I teach my daughter, but in our case, it's a gym shoe.

[maat55]

Married 23 years, together something like 28 years. Totally combined finances. We have always agreed on what to do. Why would anyone need to be the final decision maker? I would include decisions about navel piercing, dating, and large purchases in that, too. We've just never not been able to find an agreement--without arguing or grudges either. Similar values, similar goals, and growing together over time makes coming to loggerheads just about unimaginable.

If a particular family wants to have a back-up final decision maker, how would they choose whom it is to be? I imagine maat55's thing about a back-up decision maker means it must be a man. But what about in a family without grown men? Say there is a woman, the woman's sister-in-law, and two children, a household situation I know of. Is this a "headless" household, unable to make a settle on a decision? I don't think so. They probably would serve as a good example in shared decision-making for married couples who have trouble with it.

My question is: Say you go car shopping and you have 12k cash to buy a car. I personally, would attempt to walk away after buying a car with some money leftover. My wife would want to fudge and finance a little more car. In my senario, I would tell her, we are paying no more than 12k, period.

Man or woman, how do you settle this senario?

[maat55]

But you choose to follow them.

Sorry, I just can't grasp the concept of "final authority". He's my husband, not my father. Decisions are made together.

I have no arguement with your position and 999 times out of a thousand, thats how decissions get settled. But, there will very occationally be those times when a compromise cannot be found. Who settles the conflict?

[maat55]

If I think we can do it, I'll say so. If I think we can't, I'll explain why. So I guess in that sense, I have the final say, but I don't really think about it in those terms. It isn't like I'm sitting on the mountaintop saying, "Yes, you may buy that dress" or "No, you can not get that new vacuum cleaner." There is always a discussion and we work together to figure things out.

This is Pretty much our system also. Normally, I would allow DW to make all the decissions concerning our girls, but I drew the line at certain things. And DW respected my wishes. I think she probably was glad I made some of those decissions so she would not come out the bad guy.

[tripods68]

Matt55,

First of all, if you only have $12K cash on hand, you wouldn't be shopping around to every car dealership looking for a car that fits your budget. You need to first do your own research, online and start comparing cars that meets you and your wife requirements (family need small car vs bigger car) You talk about the options plus tax, license, docs, and fees to determine "True Cost". Once you have narrow down the 2 cars with your wife in agreement, that's when you should go visit the dealership. This will eliminate any quabbles you and your wife might have. Perhaps your wife will realize, i need to be with my husband on this.

It's not a matter saying, "$12K Thats it...i'm the boss", but the way you and how approach you and your wife car buying experience will lead to less of disagreement and perhaps less resentments towards each other.