His, Hers, Ours

[maat55]

"Give in" is something my Mom would have done, because she didn't earn the money; Dad would have final authority and the final say: his word was law.

Old traditions (but that's they way it was done, and Mom in this case went along with everything); but both my folks are ESL (English as a Second Language). There's nothing wrong with this.... just culturally thinking as they were taught, and she went with the flow and that of itself was not a point of contention.

Times have changed however,; more woman work outside the home and want some say in financial matters. Along with the fact that woman usually outlive men, collaboration is in both the parties interest. Both should understand the financial picture/situation of the family as a whole. Even in other countries, now, I believe that the old fashioned way is melting away.

DH & I have separate accounts and joint accounts. Some things are held in my name alone and some as joint. Part of the separateness in our case is because of a BK in his past history, and the fact that I had a fully paid mortgage in my name before I even met him.

But now together, WE make decisions and collaborate on everything financially, though often it's like his response is "if we can afford it, do it." I pay the bills, balance the checkbook, move the moneys and we have a generous allowance that he can do whatever he wants to do with.

If I say "no" to him, then it's for a major reason that I explain my concerns fully. He has always agreed to my reasons. Sometimes I say "not now" or "not here" (meaning not in California -- to his wanting to purchase a motorcycle) and I explain why. And he understands that when we retire and get out of crazy California driving, and live on our land in another state away from city-driving -- that we will purchase a motorcycle for him. It's not that I'll deny this to him forever... it's that I'd rather have him with me and not worry about it everytime he hops on a motorbike to stress any telephone calls.

Marriage is compromise between peoples needs and wants. If there's understanding and reasons are understood, then there's no real reason for someone to have ultimate authority. There's usually compromise beforehand.

There are NO winners and losers in marriage -- because if your partner "loses" you've lost too. If your partner wins, you win. Ultimately it's all about sharing and understanding -- it shouldn't be a competition nor a fight.

Your situation is much like mine. It sounds like you are the more financially aware of you two. It would be a disaster if I left our finances in DW's hands. I dominate our finances because I have too. Being the bread winner has nothing to do with our situation. I would in no way advocate higher authority to the bread winner. Only to the more financially responsible person.

[moneybags]

Besides, i'm not here to argue the bible, I didn't make the rules.

But you choose to follow them.

Sorry, I just can't grasp the concept of "final authority". He's my husband, not my father. Decisions are made together.

[gamecock43]

my fiance and I are working out the kinks.
We have seperate finances and split bills 50/50. Likely we will always do this.

When there is a big decision to be made we discuss and agree on something. (yes buy it/no/who's going to pay for it) If fiance wants it and I dont approve...he finds a way to work it into christmas/birthday wishes or gets mom and dad to buy it for him. When i want something he does not approve...he sighs and then turns the 'you tell me we are saving for this...' and I have to justify it to the point that he gives up.

Overall, we are pretty much on the same page regarding big purchase priorities though.

[disneysteve]

I can put it in my own room (we have separate rooms).

As I said, your situation is different since you aren't married. You are what my friends used to call roommates with fringe benefits.

[disneysteve]

I would in no way advocate higher authority to the bread winner. Only to the more financially responsible person.

That makes sense. In any relationship, each person will have their strengths, weaknesses and aptitudes. One of my strengths happens to be managing the finances, so that is my job. If DW is wondering if we can or should do a certain thing or spend for some particular purchase, she would never do it without consulting with me first since I'm the one handling the finances. If I think we can do it, I'll say so. If I think we can't, I'll explain why. So I guess in that sense, I have the final say, but I don't really think about it in those terms. It isn't like I'm sitting on the mountaintop saying, "Yes, you may buy that dress" or "No, you can not get that new vacuum cleaner." There is always a discussion and we work together to figure things out. Maybe that means finding a cheaper way to get the item in question by going online or finding a coupon or getting a refurbished model or finding a cheaper model that would still serve the purpose. It is never just a flat out ruling on my part.

[ThriftoRama]

I'm pretty taken aback by Biblical head of household as well. I probably wouldn't be married either, LivingAlmostLarge!

We have divided all the household duties by who is good at them. I am good with money, so I do the bills. There is no one person who gets final say. It's always a joint decision. That's what modern marriages are supposed to be like. It's not 1900 anymore!

[PrincessPerky]

Joined in marriage is joined period.

Having said that I will let you know who wins the big decisions after we decide if we get a new house or not.

Generally on any big decision we one of us takes the responsible role but is not blamed for being the naysayer.

Most of the time 'I want' is more of a 'I wonder' while we work together to decide if it is a good thing or not.

I happen to be Christian, and I don't follow to many of the bible rules, I don't care if it does say yu can sell your daughter, you CAN"T!

[tripods68]

So I guess in that sense, I have the final say, but I don't really think about it in those terms. It isn't like I'm sitting on the mountaintop saying, "Yes, you may buy that dress" or "No, you can not get that new vacuum cleaner."

I don't blame you for having full control since you are the sole breadwinner and makes 5 times what you wife makes.

With our case, either DW and I have full control of our finances, we both manages our finances TOGETHER especially paying the bills. She has her bills that she's responsible for and I have mine. Since we both work FT, we both make separate retirement contributions; her 403(b) IRA, mine 457 and ROTH. We each have separate Pension as well. Most importantly, we always discussed things before we make a big purchase if it make sense based on wants or needs. On birthday party's we have a budget and both split those in halves. But no matter what we always adhere to a balance budget, which means we do NOT spend more than we make combined on a monthly basis. This makes are relationship a lot stronger and fighting about money has rarely occurred.

[Ima saver]

I trust my husband, he trusts me. I handle all the money cause I am good at it. We have had 31 plus years of happiness.

[Well Spent]

I do not win all decissions, but when push comes to shove, I have the last word.

Biblically, I'm the head of the household But, at some point, someone has to have the final authority, IMO.

How do you solve this issue?

You don't make sense. If you have the last word, you DO make all the decisions. How kind of you to "LET" her make a decision when you don't care.

Christians suck! (And I'm Catholic.) Your behavior is abuse cloaked in history, religion, and distorted, perverted values.

Final authority

[Ima saver]

There are no bosses in marriage. You compromise.

[moneybags]

I don't blame you for having full control since you are the sole breadwinner and makes 5 times what you wife makes.

Just because you make more doesn't mean you should have full control. DH is the primary breadwinner making 10 times more than me, but I run the finances. Again, it's a team, and I happen to be better at this task.

[disneysteve]

I don't blame you for having full control since you are the sole breadwinner and makes 5 times what you wife makes.

I never said I had full control. I said I manage the finances because I'm good at it and enjoy it. As for spending, we discuss everything together. I did say that in a sense, I have the final say, but still, that doesn't mean I don't compromise or give in on certain things. Just because I oppose a purchase doesn't mean it won't get made. So I'm not controlling everything.

[Well Spent]

Besides, i'm not here to argue the bible, I didn't make the rules.

The Bible is a work of fiction.

Better to model your life after The Greatest Secret in the World by Og Mandino.

[Well Spent]

I never said I had full control. I said I manage the finances because I'm good at it and enjoy it. As for spending, we discuss everything together. I did say that in a sense, I have the final say, but still, that doesn't mean I don't compromise or give in on certain things. Just because I oppose a purchase doesn't mean it won't get made. So I'm not controlling everything.

Tripods68,
Also, DisneySteve has said that his wife was the stay at home parent for a number of years and she currently works for pay part-time. His comments have always acknowledged the value his wife brings to the family.