Her Money Not Ours

[DebbieL]

Maybe they are living paycheck to paycheck because she's never had a job and spends all his money? She's already maxed out 3 credit cards since her windfall. He did say she was raised in a family with money. Maybe she's been spoiled all her life and doesn't think she should ever have to contribute, yet spends money like it's going out of style?

[disneysteve]

Maybe they are living paycheck to paycheck because she's never had a job and spends all his money? She's already maxed out 3 credit cards since her windfall. He did say she was raised in a family with money. Maybe she's been spoiled all her life and doesn't think she should ever have to contribute, yet spends money like it's going out of style?

Good point. We really don't have enough info here.

I was wondering about the CCs too. Why would she have to max out her CCs if she's got 100K sitting in the bank?

[atomicrc11]

My wife and I have a joint account for all the bills, and then we each have a checking account that only fun money goes into. This is only a couple hundred each month. The reason for the separate accounts is so that we don't step on each other's toes and get overdraft fees and also so we know how much fun money is left each month. Otherwise, everything else is joint.

[jIM_Ohio]

I would create a household budget and examine the budget, then pay all bills (cc and other) from the budget. If you are both willing to solve it this way, I bet the inheritence enters the budget without you needing to bring it up.

[kork13]

personally (note: young, not married, mostly inexperienced, yadda yadda), I'd say that it might go over best if you sit down with your wife to discuss your finances in general terms. Don't even bring up her inheritance at first. Talk about your obligations, expenses, income, savings, retirement, investments, and other assets. Carefully (gently now....) ask what she would like to do with her inheritance. Whatever she wants to do with it, support her desires. Accept that it legally is her money, and it's hers to deal with. However, you should also discuss with her a compromise where she is able to use the majority of the inheritance according to her plan, while helping to support you both as a couple/partnership/team/however you want to call it. Perhaps she'd be willing to use 25-30% of it to pay down any debts you have, and build up some savings for you both to use if necessary. Biggest take-away: COMPROMISE. You're in this together, so you need to decide together how it will be used.....keeping in mind that in the end, she really does have a veto authority.

One other note that I haven't seen come up quite yet.... I don't know how this works, but remember that you'll have to pay inheritance taxes on what your wife has recieved. Just make sure to take that into account.

[maat55]

I think, just based on the information provided, that the wife is way out of line. The only reason the wife should protect the money is if she were instructed to by the grandfather.

Their debts, are her debt also, if not more hers, due to hidden CC's. To say she should hold this money and not pay THEIR debts is rediculous.

Steve, I could not dissagree more with you that because she inherited the money, it is hers alone. If this is her money, it is THEIR money to use in the benefit of THEIR family.

[disneysteve]

Their debts, are her debt also, if not more hers, due to hidden CC's. To say she should hold this money and not pay THEIR debts is rediculous.

Steve, I could not dissagree more with you that because she inherited the money, it is hers alone. If this is her money, it is THEIR money to use in the benefit of THEIR family.

I think my posts may have been partially misinterpreted.

I DO NOT think she should keep this money entirely for herself and not use any of it for the benefit of her family. I DO think she should hold it in her name only and not add it to any joint accounts. That doesn't mean she couldn't draw from it to buy groceries, put gas in her car, pay for a family vacation, get a new TV, etc.

And absolutely, if she has secretly racked up debt, she should be using that money to settle up her bills.

What I would be concerned about, which I said earlier, is WHY are they living paycheck to paycheck? We don't know the answer to that question and without that information, it is very difficult to render an opinion about where this inherited money should go.

[scfr]

I think, just based on the information provided, that the wife is way out of line.

I don't think we can say that. What very little information we have is one-sided.

[maat55]

I think my posts may have been partially misinterpreted.

I DO NOT think she should keep this money entirely for herself and not use any of it for the benefit of her family. I DO think she should hold it in her name only and not add it to any joint accounts. That doesn't mean she couldn't draw from it to buy groceries, put gas in her car, pay for a family vacation, get a new TV, etc.

And absolutely, if she has secretly racked up debt, she should be using that money to settle up her bills.

What I would be concerned about, which I said earlier, is WHY are they living paycheck to paycheck? We don't know the answer to that question and without that information, it is very difficult to render an opinion about where this inherited money should go.

Them living paycheck to paycheck is a separate issue that, as you say, needs to be addressed, but the 100k is a windfall he has the right of decission to also. If I were him, I would be livid over this.

What is to keep him from saying that: your grand parents are your problem and not his?

[disneysteve]

Them living paycheck to paycheck is a separate issue that, as you say, needs to be addressed, but the 100k is a windfall he has the right of decission to also. If I were him, I would be livid over this.

I don't necessarily agree that the paycheck to paycheck is a separate issue. Just suppose that the reason they are living that way is the husband's fault, not the wife's. Should she have to use this windfall to clean up a mess that he made? OP, this is just hypothetical - I'm certainly not accusing you of anything. Just having an academic discussion. Perhaps OP spends all their money on beer and cigarettes or lottery tickets or internet porn. Should see have to use her inheritance to pay the electric bill? I'm not sure I know the right answer to that.

This whole discussion is difficult because I know how this would work in my house. The inheritance would be kept in a separate account but counted as joint assets that we both decide together how best to use. We do everything joint. We have no individual accounts with the exception of retirement accounts that can't be joint. If I got $100,000 tomorrow, I would sit down with DW and discuss how best to direct that money to improve our overall financial situation.

The reason I haven't suggested that route in this case is because of the tone of the original post. It sounds like they are having financial problems and I want to know the nature, cause and extent of those problems before I'd be willing to say the wife is wrong here. I also want to know what "for the last 12 years we have been taking care of her Grandparents" means exactly. If any of their current financial difficulties were brought on by caring for the grandparents, then I think some of the inheritance should go to replace money spent in that care.

[maat55]

[QUOTE]

If I got $100,000 tomorrow, I would sit down with DW and discuss how best to direct that money to improve our overall financial situation.

I like you, want more information. But, going by the information we have, your statement here is exactly how they should handle the money.

If these three statements are true:

He, for 16 years has been the sole breadwinner.
They, have been taking care of HER grand parents.
She, has maxed out three CC's without his knowledge.

How could he not deserve a say in the money?

[disneysteve]

If these three statements are true:

He, for 16 years has been the sole breadwinner.
They, have been taking care of HER grand parents.
She, has maxed out three CC's without his knowledge.

How could he not deserve a say in the money?

Agreed. My opinion has been wavering as I've read and thought about this thread. But it is tough without any more info.

What I wouldn't want to see is a couple with a spending problem, or particularly an individual with a spending problem, blow this money and be right back where they started.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Maat, in debt there isn't necessarily one person who "gets" into debt.

The partner has to go along with it. I see a lot of people try and blame on the person spending. But they never say anything. They never discuss family finances and lay it on the line.

Instead they say they try to talk to the person but they don't. I say that as someone whose grandmother was a doormat.

My grandfather forged her name, signature to get credit cards, lines of credit to gamble. She didn't agree but she certainly didn't argue and disagree and really make fuss. She didn't kick him to the curb or leave.

So instead she stayed in a situation which she expected others to bail her out. It happened when her kids grew up and laid down the law. However, becoming the parent when you are barely in double digits isn't fun.

Like I rarely mention, my mom saw the inside of jail and child services at age 8. For the illegal gambling games they were running in their house.

So some people accuse their spouse as being the "bad" one. Truth is, so is the partner! It's never 100% one person's fault.

[maat55]

So some people accuse their spouse as being the "bad" one. Truth is, so is the partner! It's never 100% one person's fault.

Agreed, unless OP has gambling or drug debt, they should work together to payoff their debts and establish an EF. Hopefully there would be much left for investing.

[asmom]

If she has 3 credit cards that are maxed out, then she should use her inheritance to pay it off. I wouldn't contribute one cent to those bills. I also like the 10% solution offered above. I don't know how much it would take to relieve things financially right now but perhaps she could offer $10,000 to improve your financial situation right now and keep the rest for her future.

Since she is a SAHM, does she have any retirement funds or savings of her own socked away? If not, then she really needs to hang onto that $100,000 and perhaps consider getting at least a part-time job to help with the bills for now since you guys are living paycheck to paycheck.