Her Money Not Ours

**gamecock43** · 09-12-2008, 07:03 AM

Instead of angrily reminding her of all the bills, and intrest charges that are accruing...GENTLY bring up the inheritance one day when you are both enjoying some relaxing time together and getting along. She might sigh and say she does not want to talk about it NOW (when you guys are really enjoying the day) but aknowledge that the conversations in the past about it led to arguments and slamming doors and that you have finally realized that method is doing neither you or your marriage any good. So you want to talk today for 1/2 an hour only, and NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS. You just want to talk about the different options available, but not committ to any plan today.

I inherited money a few years ago- my fiance and I were living paycheck to paycheck and I made it clear it was MY MONEY in the beginning. I was panicked because I worried we were a few big purchases away from it being gone, and it was from my last remaining relative. So that was it as far as windfalls in life.

My fiance fantasized and spent it all in musings about cars and boats...but never pressured me to spend it. But his MUSING about spending it panicked me more...because I didnt know if his expectations were going up. Would he suddenly be resentful of a normal birthday gift...would he expect me to pick up the check for everything? ...It took a good 2 years for me to get comfortable with the money and to open my mind enough to consider spending it on things for us. (We decided to save it for retirement-...except I kept about 10% in cash to pay bills and allow me to not work for a few years.)

So the sum of it is that she might want to sit tight on it. She may like the idea of locking it all up in a one year CD and revisiting it next year when you guys have had time to think about it.
As she sits on it, make sure its in an educationally good place- a CD, money market account...whatever is making you guys money.

100,000 is not alot over a persons lifespan...but used wisely it could do alot. It wont fund retirement, it will cover a college tuition for one kid...it wont pay off a house...it might buy two cars...but it wont do everything. And she might be seeing "this bill could be gone...this bill could be gone...or this could be covered" and is not sure where to apply the money. Afraid she is one big mortgage payment signiture away from REALLY needing the money should an emergency come up.

One other thought....I am bringing it up because its a possibility. Please dont hate me.....If your marriage was rocky in the past- she may have thought of leaving you but felt she couldnt financially. This is her 'escape' money if she is planning to leave you, or worries she may want to leave you in the future.
-Opening up credit cards and shopping in secret can be a temporary fix for an unhappy daily life...or she could be preparing to leave the marriage by buying 'things' she couldnt afford when she leaves you and plans for you to pay fort it since you guys are married now and you are the sole earner.

-So there are a few possible thought processes going on...

**atomicrc11** · 09-12-2008, 07:25 AM

You need to sit down and talk to you wife. She needs to see the situation you both are in. If she still thinks you're money grubbing, then there are bigger issues. Sit down and work out a budget together that you can both stick to.

**Ima saver** · 09-12-2008, 07:36 AM

Is she saving the money or spending it on herself? If she is saving it, I see nothing wrong with that.
When I got married the 2nd time, I had a nice, paid for house in my name only. I kept it in my name until we built our next home. My husband built the house all by himself and I supplied the cash from my sold home and we jointly titled the house.

**maat55** · 09-12-2008, 07:44 AM

IMO, you have every right to insist that she use the money to payoff bills. What is the point in being married if you are not a team? It's one thing for you two to sit down and decide together the best use of it and another for her to claim sole ownership.

I would tell her she is welcome to take herself and grandma and go live somewhere else, off the money. Children or no children.

I can only give this oppinion based on the information provided in a paragraph. If you have proven to be irresponsible with money or an addict, she may need to control the money.

Compromise has it's limits. She would be way outside mine.

**maat55** · 09-12-2008, 08:43 AM

I am curious to know if this money was intrusted to your wife for the sole benefit of the grandma. You say, grandpa left your wife the money, why not grandma? Did grandma get provisions also?

What you two are doing is admirable. Your wife not telling you about maxed out cards is horrible. But we still need to know the specifics of the inheritance. In retrospect, we are only hearing your side.

**tripods68** · 09-12-2008, 09:14 AM

This is tough one. You don't want to hound her every day about her not sharing the load. After all, she is a stayed home mom, who take cares the home, prepare food, clean up, and take care your kids. You can put price on those responsibilities. You need to have those discussions but don't make it so uncomfortable for her to open up.

**disneysteve** · 09-12-2008, 09:36 AM

Lots of good responses so far for a difficult situation.

What I'm wondering is why are you guys living paycheck to paycheck? What is that all about? Why is it that you have no savings? Is there a spending issue that hasn't been resolved? If so, I could certainly see her not wanting to give up this money just to see it get blown.

Legally, inheritance money belongs to the recipient. It is not counted as a joint marital asset. Any financial adviser will tell you to keep inherited money in your own name only and not to mingle it with joint money. So you should not expect or demand her to add this money to any joint accounts you two have together. That doesn't mean, of course, that she could use some of the money to pay household bills or make purchases that benefit both of you.

The best thing to do with a sudden windfall like this is usually nothing, at least for 6-12 months. Let it sink in. Give time to grieve for the loss of your loved one. Then you can look at it with a clearer head and decide how best to use the money.

I agree with gamecock that although 100K is a nice chunk of change, it isn't a life-altering amount and needs to be used carefully.

**feh** · 09-12-2008, 09:44 AM

Eight years ago I inherited about $80K from my grandfather. It immediately went into a joint account (all accounts my wife and I have are joint). I didn't think twice about it.

Are there problems with the marriage? Seems to be a complete lack of trust.

**DebbieL** · 09-12-2008, 09:52 AM

I guess I'm much more of a hardass than everybody else. I would be PISSED beyond belief if I was supporting someone all those years (a situation that I personally don't believe in as I feel everyone should work - at least once the kids are in school) and they suddenly took this attitude of "this is just MY money" and wouldn't help out. Do you have a bad relationship in general? I think I need to know more before I could say what I would really do. I think she sounds pretty selfish. If I'm reading this correctly she's taken 3 credit cards and maxed them out since the inheritance? I hope she's not hiding a lot of debt from you.

**disneysteve** · 09-12-2008, 09:55 AM

Originally posted by feh View Post

Eight years ago I inherited about $80K from my grandfather. It immediately went into a joint account (all accounts my wife and I have are joint).

Are there problems with the marriage? Seems to be a complete lack of trust.

The regulars here know that I am a strong proponent of keeping everything joint, not having separate finances for each spouse, but I think this is an exception.

There are already financial problems in this marriage. As stated, they are living paycheck to paycheck. Without knowing why that is, I would not want to see the wife take this money from HER account (it is absolutely HER money) and comingle it. Once she does that, she can never get it back. If they were to separate down the line, she could have this 100K as her own money to start a new life, but only if she kept it in her own name.

**feh** · 09-12-2008, 10:03 AM

Originally posted by disneysteve View Post

The regulars here know that I am a strong proponent of keeping everything joint, not having separate finances for each spouse, but I think this is an exception.

There are already financial problems in this marriage. As stated, they are living paycheck to paycheck. Without knowing why that is, I would not want to see the wife take this money from HER account (it is absolutely HER money) and comingle it. Once she does that, she can never get it back. If they were to separate down the line, she could have this 100K as her own money to start a new life, but only if she kept it in her own name.

I'm not suggesting that the wife take any action. I was just noting the difference between my state of mind and the wife's state of mind in a similar situation. I guess I'm old fashioned when it comes to marriage - regardless of what the law says, I think all assets acquired during the marriage should become marital assets.

They definitely need to sit down and have a chat.

**MonkeyMama** · 09-12-2008, 10:05 AM

I have to agree with Steve.

My spouse and I only have joint accounts and will probably share inheritances, BUT this is one area where the "financial wisdom" is really to keep it separate. & I can't say we won't consider it.

The problem too is I live in California which is one the most complex as far as state laws for separate property (the rules are very different in many states - only way to be sure is to check with a lawyer. I would not pay household bills from a separate account in a state like California. You really risk it becoming community property). Of course, it is because it is so complex that in states like this it really has to be rather all or nothing. Keep it separate or comingle it, but not a lot of middle ground. Not that people comply with the laws, but there is technically gift tax if you gift your spouse separate property down the road, etc. It just makes it so it has to be rather all or nothing.

I would also say maybe it is because of the living paycheck to paycheck which is why she wants to keep it separate. I think that is truly the bigger problem here. $100k alone probably won't solve that.

**disneysteve** · 09-12-2008, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by MonkeyMama View Post

My spouse and I only have joint accounts and will probably share inheritances, BUT this is one area where the "financial wisdom" is really to keep it separate. & I can't say we won't consider it.

I would also say maybe it is because of the living paycheck to paycheck which is why she wants to keep it separate. I think that is truly the bigger problem here. $100k alone probably won't solve that.

I agree, just from the limited info, that this is the problem. If you guys were in great financial shape, fully funding retirement accounts, big emergency fund, no debt, etc., she probably wouldn't be so hesitant to share this money.

It is also very important to know the laws of your state, as noted.

**disneysteve** · 09-12-2008, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by feh View Post

They definitely need to sit down and have a chat.

Absolutely!

Her Money Not Ours