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Finally, a turning point
Last night, something happened when I got home from work which I think -- or hope, anyway -- will be the turning point I've been looking for in my financial relationship with my husband.
In another thread last month, I described how Mark seems to sabotage our budget; actually, his spending habits make it hard to HAVE a budget. To understand what I've been dealing with, please read post #14 in THIS THREAD. Bear in mind that we have about $28k in total debt at the moment.
So yesterday, I came home from work to find Mark sitting in front of the TV playing a video game. I asked him which game he was playing and he said, "Zelda." Now, he had been talking about this new Zelda video game that came out last month, but I told him it was too expensive ($50), that we had too many other expenses to worry about. So I thought at first that maybe it was an older version that he had brought out and dusted off. But then he gave me this guilty look. So I asked him where the game had come from, and he said he had bought it after work at Best Buy. I got so angry that I said if he knew what was best for him, he would leave me alone and not talk to me!
I haven't been that angry in a long time. I was literally shaking. Since we live in a one bedroom apartment, there is little privacy, so I went out and sat in my car. Boy, did I curse up a storm!! I started thinking about all the things that that $50 could have been better spent on -- a week's worth of groceries, arthritis meds for our dog, two months' worth of water bill payments, etc. What I really wanted to scream at him was, "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!"
Well, I eventually calmed down and went back inside. To my surprise, instead of getting defensive (as he's prone to do when we argue), Mark took full responsibility, said it was a mistake and apologized. He even offered to sell the game on eBay. What really struck me, though, was when he admitted that as he was waiting in line to buy it, he thought to himself, "Jenney's going to be SO mad at me" -- but he bought it anyway.
As he told me this, I could tell that he was really listening to what he was saying, and realized just how he disrespectful had been to me and our relationship.
The good news is that this is the wake-up call Mark needed, the one I was waiting for and which I couldn't provide him no matter how much I tried. He felt sincerely sorry for it, and owned up to the fact that he doesn't spend wisely. He agreed when I told him that he needs to better differentiate between NEEDS and WANTS. Just because he's been buying $10/issue "Retro Gamer" magazine for the past 12 years, that doesn't mean that he NEEDS to buy it. Same goes for the $2/day he spends on chocolate bars at work.
Mark has agreed to stop spending so much money on frivolous things. We're going to create a list of what he tends to spend/waste money on, and decide what can stay and what can go. I don't think eliminating all "fun money" is a good idea, but he's got to decide what matters most to him. He knows that just by cutting out the $2 chocolate bars, he can afford to buy the magazines he wants to have each month. And he's agreed to be more proactive about reviewing our bank account and overall expenses.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel like there is finally light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so happy!
I told Mark that "Zelda" was his "last supper" of sorts -- he'd better enjoy it, because it's going to be a while before he can just buy stuff like that again willy-nilly!
~ Jenney
In another thread last month, I described how Mark seems to sabotage our budget; actually, his spending habits make it hard to HAVE a budget. To understand what I've been dealing with, please read post #14 in THIS THREAD. Bear in mind that we have about $28k in total debt at the moment.
So yesterday, I came home from work to find Mark sitting in front of the TV playing a video game. I asked him which game he was playing and he said, "Zelda." Now, he had been talking about this new Zelda video game that came out last month, but I told him it was too expensive ($50), that we had too many other expenses to worry about. So I thought at first that maybe it was an older version that he had brought out and dusted off. But then he gave me this guilty look. So I asked him where the game had come from, and he said he had bought it after work at Best Buy. I got so angry that I said if he knew what was best for him, he would leave me alone and not talk to me!
I haven't been that angry in a long time. I was literally shaking. Since we live in a one bedroom apartment, there is little privacy, so I went out and sat in my car. Boy, did I curse up a storm!! I started thinking about all the things that that $50 could have been better spent on -- a week's worth of groceries, arthritis meds for our dog, two months' worth of water bill payments, etc. What I really wanted to scream at him was, "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!"
Well, I eventually calmed down and went back inside. To my surprise, instead of getting defensive (as he's prone to do when we argue), Mark took full responsibility, said it was a mistake and apologized. He even offered to sell the game on eBay. What really struck me, though, was when he admitted that as he was waiting in line to buy it, he thought to himself, "Jenney's going to be SO mad at me" -- but he bought it anyway.
As he told me this, I could tell that he was really listening to what he was saying, and realized just how he disrespectful had been to me and our relationship. The good news is that this is the wake-up call Mark needed, the one I was waiting for and which I couldn't provide him no matter how much I tried. He felt sincerely sorry for it, and owned up to the fact that he doesn't spend wisely. He agreed when I told him that he needs to better differentiate between NEEDS and WANTS. Just because he's been buying $10/issue "Retro Gamer" magazine for the past 12 years, that doesn't mean that he NEEDS to buy it. Same goes for the $2/day he spends on chocolate bars at work.
Mark has agreed to stop spending so much money on frivolous things. We're going to create a list of what he tends to spend/waste money on, and decide what can stay and what can go. I don't think eliminating all "fun money" is a good idea, but he's got to decide what matters most to him. He knows that just by cutting out the $2 chocolate bars, he can afford to buy the magazines he wants to have each month. And he's agreed to be more proactive about reviewing our bank account and overall expenses.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel like there is finally light at the end of this tunnel. I'm so happy!
I told Mark that "Zelda" was his "last supper" of sorts -- he'd better enjoy it, because it's going to be a while before he can just buy stuff like that again willy-nilly!~ Jenney
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