Love & Money

[Ruthdavis]

How to prepare myself?

When establishing a new life with your partner, one of the first things you should talk about is money. How do you prepare yourself for it?

It just happened. You know when you're comfortable with each other, you can talk about anything including money/finances.

[Milly]

Here's how I'd try and discover if there would be a clash: just openly talk about it! When you go out, discuss your dreams and plans to get there, financially and otherwise. Ask for their inputs so you see how they think. Spend time with them in their daily environment, not just on set up dates or your place so you can see how they live their life. As they say: go into marriage with your eyes wide open, and continue in marriage with your eyes half shut.

I think it is important to see if there is going to be a clash with money. A clash isn't a "don't marry" it is a "make sure you realize what you're getting in to". It was important for my husband to know I had a temper and for me to know that when he has a project, he'll stay up until it is done and be completely useless for the next few days. By choosing to marry, knowing our clashes, it made it an active choice to love them anyways. Actually, it is so much easier to overcome and lessen your flaws once a married couple is working together and open about it vs. a single person just trying to be better.

My husband's family grew up making less than $20,000 total to support the 14 kids. When his older brother married the daughter of one of the richest families in the state, they were set up for a huge money clash. Her parents wanted to give them everything and the brother felt like he didn't get his role of supporting the family. They had to work together, she adjusted her "needs" and had to tell her parents no some times and he works his tail off to feel like he is giving his family the life they want. They are one of the best and strongest couples because they chose and choose to be together and live the life they want.

[Gailete]

When establishing a new life with your partner, one of the first things you should talk about is money. How do you prepare yourself for it?

Oh that is fairly easy. And NO it is not the first thing you should talk about. You would be dating long if on your first date you ask them how much they make, how much they have in savings, etc. Date long enough and spend time together long enough, listen to what each other is saying and if you are listening for it you will catch the drift of their money philosophy fairly well. You might want to still have the chat about money but it is very easy for the truth to be glossed over and made to sound better than the reality of what they are saying. I know this through real life and not following my own counsel of get to know them well.

When hubby and I were considering getting married, he knew because I had been burned so bad with an ex-husband, that debt or at least the lack of it, was very important to me. He gave me the url to his bank and his PW to sign in so that I could see with my own eyes how much he had in the bank. The ex had told me that his finances were in good control and that he paid extra on credit card bills, blah, blah, blah. The day after we got married I discovered that I was now in $20K+ in debt just in credit card debt. An engagement ring that I had told him I didn't want, he had gone and bought one and when he told me that he had, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I don't think you are going to like it" but he had bought it and charged it. Why do guys buy engagement rings knowing the person that has to wear it won't like it? So not only did I have an ugly ring, I also ended up making every single payment on it out of my paycheck! Even though he sold his house and paid off the credit cards within a few months of us getting married, within a year and a half we were in $40+ credit card debt. That doesn't include the cars and mortgage! The pressure of the finacnes and his spending which was totally out of control and not likely to change was what broke our marriage up.

You can think all you want that marriage is all about chemistry and money doesn't factor in but let me tell you that the 'chemistry' changes and money issues can be overwhelming. In some instances a couple with one spend-a-lot and one save-a-lot might be able to work, but only if the spend-a-lot is willing to change some of their ways.

If you are only in the liking each other stages, don't be paying their bills or helping them out 'just this month'. They will take you for a patsy. Every month that you chip in to help them more, they will 'love' you more. If you let them move in with you and think that even without benefit of marriage you have to be paying half the bills, including the bills that they brought with them, is not a good place to be. Their bills aren't your responsibility, no matter what they say or you feel. If their bills are so high that it will take you years to save up for the kind of wedding you want, you will find several flaws in that problem. One being you want too much wedding that you can actually afford and he/she is coming to you with way too many bills. You marry them your chances to get mortgages, etc. goes down. You can be paying for years if not the rest of your life for their bad financial ways. It is the one thing on this forum that horrifies me is when one half of a couple is asking for advice on how to get out of debt when in reality most of the debt is the other's who isn't too concerned with the bills. You are not legally responsible for those bills and I haven't met a man yet that is worth paying off their student loans for along with possibly your own. Then the new significant other is thinking that they have to deal with that mess. I know if I had had a boyfriend that expected me to pay off his bills I would be very resentful. That ex had been paying child support for his son. When he knew he was going to get married again he talked to his ex wife and without a court order raised his payment amount since he was getting married. What did him getting married to me have to do with how much child support he had to pay? It wasn't my obligation. When the same son came to live with us a year or so later, he wouldn't tell the ex, who made oodles of money, to pay us child support now as he was scared she would take the boy back which I seriously doubt. But to pay all that child support monthly, I wiped out all MY savings as he had none nor was he making enough to pay it himself. And yes I did resent it. All the ways that he messed up my money situation from when I was single, to 'happily' married made me angry. Believe me the chemistry changed to the point coming home from work my stomach would churn because I would be seeing him!

It is VERY important to be on the same wavelength about money as a couple. Love does not concur all when it comes to money issues.

[danielaa]

If I were to have a partner, we will talk about having conjugal bank accounts but still have our own for our own savings and we just need to deposit specific amount in our conjugal account that's to be used for repairs, travelling together and bills whatsoever

[LuckyJB]

When establishing a new life with your partner, one of the first things you should talk about is money. How do you prepare yourself for it?

From my experience, establish this right away in the beginning of the relationship. Communication is key.

You aren't married or engaged I'm assuming so keeping things separate js a smart choice. If getting married or engaged then laying everything out on the table is very important.

Keep sepeprate accounts and maybe consider having one joint if living together for bills or a joint if not living together for vacations, spending.

Happy to help

[DaveInPgh]

In our case it turned out pretty well. But I don't think that's the norm.

I got on board with his saving ways and he learned to loosen up a little bit and enjoy life.

We don't fight about money. We fight about laundry.

Here is our routine regarding laundry. Perhaps it will help eliminate the fighting in your household.

1. I do the majority of gathering the laundry and getting it into the hamper. Any family effort for this task is viewed as a miracle that I thank God for.

2. I wash the laundry.

3. I dry the laundry.

4. I fold the laundry.

5. I carry the laundry to the appropriate rooms.

6. I put away my laundry.

7. I nag, complain and vent about their laundry needing put away AND needing my baskets emptied so I can do more laundry.

8. My baskets are returned to me in an UNTIMELY manner.

9. Repeat steps 1-8.

Hope this helps

[nadine_doa]

put a big spender and a frugal partner together and watch how that turns out.

In our case it turned out pretty well. But I don't think that's the norm.

I got on board with his saving ways and he learned to loosen up a little bit and enjoy life.

We don't fight about money. We fight about laundry.

[DaveInPgh]

I'm sorry, but this isn't true. If you go around telling people this they will think they have a broken marriage if they ever disagree over money. Money is intertwined into our lives in pretty much every decision we make. Where we eat, what we can or can't do, where we live, where we work, where we play, etc. As long as people are people and we have our own quirks and personalities and flaws there is no amount of "love" that will cover every single problem without confronting it all the time. Money is how we can live, so yes it will mean something and eventually will cause things to rise up.

It's easy to make a statement like yours when you have plenty of money. It may not mean as much to some as to others but it will always mean something within the relationship, especially when there isn't much or any at all.

Well said.

If his true love would go out and spend hundreds of thousands without any discussion, then I suspect money would become meaningful to him.

[GoodSteward]

When a person finds his/her true love, money will not mean anything.

I'm sorry, but this isn't true. If you go around telling people this they will think they have a broken marriage if they ever disagree over money. Money is intertwined into our lives in pretty much every decision we make. Where we eat, what we can or can't do, where we live, where we work, where we play, etc. As long as people are people and we have our own quirks and personalities and flaws there is no amount of "love" that will cover every single problem without confronting it all the time. Money is how we can live, so yes it will mean something and eventually will cause things to rise up.

It's easy to make a statement like yours when you have plenty of money. It may not mean as much to some as to others but it will always mean something within the relationship, especially when there isn't much or any at all.

[chestynuts]

When a person finds his/her true love, money will not mean anything.

I agree with you! However, financial matters should be set aside as well. I believe you wont be happy forever without money- come and think that your wife and kids do not have something the so called "future". Just saying though. LOL

[Tabs]

When a person finds his/her true love, money will not mean anything.

That's idyllic but... not realistic I'm afraid. However, it does remind me of this:

[james.hendrickson]

sv - its not so much the money itself, its that money becomes a conduit for other things, such as honesty, the importance of the future, security needs, etc. So, often when people fight about money, they aren't actually fighting about money, they are fighting about issues related to money.

[sv2007]

put a big spender and a frugal partner together and watch how that turns out. Conversations about money before marriage are critical to increase the odds of a good outcome.

When a person finds his/her true love, money will not mean anything.

[scfr]

You and your partner need to discuss this, I recommend David Bach's Smart Couples Finish Rich - there are a lot of good exercises for couples to discuss their values and financial knowledge there.

Wanna guess what my user name stands for?

[Fishindude77]

Probably most important is don't rush into a marriage. Date for a year or more first to find out about the other person and if you are compatible.

Money is only one piece of the whole pie and getting too nosey and in depth about finances early in a relationship could be a real turn off. If you are paying attention, that stuff will all surface as you get to know the person.