Thank you for taking time to read my post and helping me with my situation.
First off a little background about me: I am 37 years old and have been dating my girlfriend who is 33 for a little over a year. I am a healthcare professional and make a decent income, however while in professional school I amassed student loan debts and still owe right at 90k. My loans are about average for my profession and I have a plan in place and am on pace to pay those off ahead of schedule. While I use my credit card for all my purchases, to earn points, I pay it off in full every month religiously and never carry a balance. I am in a business that will most likely eventually require me to take out a large business loan so keeping my debt and credit in check is a big deal to me and I am meticulous about it.
About 10 months ago (4 months into our relationship) my girlfriend informed me she was swimming in a sea of debt. While she has never told me exact amounts, at the time she ball parked her student loans at somewhere around $100k (she was deferring them at that time and I assume she still is) and her Credit Cards were around $18k. She is a teacher so she has a stable job and a good career, but she doesn’t have the kind of income that can justify $100K in student loans. She doesn't have a history of sickness or being out of work or any justification for so much credit card debt either. In fact her house was full of signs of frivolous spending on luxury items (large CD/DVD collection, three closets packed full of clothes, expensive new furniture in most rooms, concert tix... Etc). On top of her other debts she also had a house payment and a new car payment. At that time she told me she wasn’t able to pay much more than the minimum on her cards (and that's with the student loans being deferred). In spite of her debt, I think she is a keeper and want to work with her to help resolve the debt, so I helped her formulate a plan to try and dig herself out of the hole she was in. From what I understand about student loans, one can generally only defer them for 36 months. The plan was to rent her house (after we unsuccessfully tried to sell it) and then have her move in with me, rent and utility free, in order to free up approximately $1400-$1500 a month to put toward the Cards and hopefully get those knocked out before the government came calling for their student loan money. We have been living with that arrangement for going on 8 months now.
So here is my Dilemma... She is a really great girl and we get along very well. She is very morally sound and I really think she is trustworthy. I just think she is really, really bad with finances. I love her parents and they are solid folks, but I don't think they gave her much direction at all when it comes to money and she still seems to be clueless as to how to spend inside a budget. We are talking marriage and she recently picked out a 2 karat $12K ring. I have told her on several occasions over the past 8 months that for us to advance our relationship to the next level (engagement) I need to know exactly what she still owes, who it's owed to and at what interest rates (info she has never given me and seems to tune me out when I bring it up). In turn I will provide her with the same info about myself. I still see her spending money on luxury items (shoes, trips and nic-naks like candles, etc…) all things I know she doesn't need so I’m a little suspicious that she isn’t living up to her end of the deal on paying the cards. I don’t think she is doing it on purpose, I just think she has a spending problem and is in denial of her bleak financial outlook. Also I am sweating when the day comes that she has to start paying the student loans. At only 5% and 10 years (typical student loan interval) that payment will be $1061 per month, which is a little under half of her monthly income. Throw in the car payment and she is back to making the minimum monthly Card payments again even though she doesn’t have to pay rent or associated bills. I have worked very hard over the years to stay in the black with my credit cards but I know the reality is that if I want to stay with and marry my girlfriend I will eventually have to absorb some of this debt, most likely at least taking over her car payment. Am I being unreasonable to ask for full disclosure? I have already brought it up a couple of times and really don’t know how to do it again. I don’t want to be in a situation where I am breaking the bank for a ring and then find out that she is still $18K deep with a $1000 student loan payment around the corner. If you have any advice on how to handle this situation I would greatly appreciate it... Thanks again for taking the time to read this lengthy post.
First off a little background about me: I am 37 years old and have been dating my girlfriend who is 33 for a little over a year. I am a healthcare professional and make a decent income, however while in professional school I amassed student loan debts and still owe right at 90k. My loans are about average for my profession and I have a plan in place and am on pace to pay those off ahead of schedule. While I use my credit card for all my purchases, to earn points, I pay it off in full every month religiously and never carry a balance. I am in a business that will most likely eventually require me to take out a large business loan so keeping my debt and credit in check is a big deal to me and I am meticulous about it.
About 10 months ago (4 months into our relationship) my girlfriend informed me she was swimming in a sea of debt. While she has never told me exact amounts, at the time she ball parked her student loans at somewhere around $100k (she was deferring them at that time and I assume she still is) and her Credit Cards were around $18k. She is a teacher so she has a stable job and a good career, but she doesn’t have the kind of income that can justify $100K in student loans. She doesn't have a history of sickness or being out of work or any justification for so much credit card debt either. In fact her house was full of signs of frivolous spending on luxury items (large CD/DVD collection, three closets packed full of clothes, expensive new furniture in most rooms, concert tix... Etc). On top of her other debts she also had a house payment and a new car payment. At that time she told me she wasn’t able to pay much more than the minimum on her cards (and that's with the student loans being deferred). In spite of her debt, I think she is a keeper and want to work with her to help resolve the debt, so I helped her formulate a plan to try and dig herself out of the hole she was in. From what I understand about student loans, one can generally only defer them for 36 months. The plan was to rent her house (after we unsuccessfully tried to sell it) and then have her move in with me, rent and utility free, in order to free up approximately $1400-$1500 a month to put toward the Cards and hopefully get those knocked out before the government came calling for their student loan money. We have been living with that arrangement for going on 8 months now.
So here is my Dilemma... She is a really great girl and we get along very well. She is very morally sound and I really think she is trustworthy. I just think she is really, really bad with finances. I love her parents and they are solid folks, but I don't think they gave her much direction at all when it comes to money and she still seems to be clueless as to how to spend inside a budget. We are talking marriage and she recently picked out a 2 karat $12K ring. I have told her on several occasions over the past 8 months that for us to advance our relationship to the next level (engagement) I need to know exactly what she still owes, who it's owed to and at what interest rates (info she has never given me and seems to tune me out when I bring it up). In turn I will provide her with the same info about myself. I still see her spending money on luxury items (shoes, trips and nic-naks like candles, etc…) all things I know she doesn't need so I’m a little suspicious that she isn’t living up to her end of the deal on paying the cards. I don’t think she is doing it on purpose, I just think she has a spending problem and is in denial of her bleak financial outlook. Also I am sweating when the day comes that she has to start paying the student loans. At only 5% and 10 years (typical student loan interval) that payment will be $1061 per month, which is a little under half of her monthly income. Throw in the car payment and she is back to making the minimum monthly Card payments again even though she doesn’t have to pay rent or associated bills. I have worked very hard over the years to stay in the black with my credit cards but I know the reality is that if I want to stay with and marry my girlfriend I will eventually have to absorb some of this debt, most likely at least taking over her car payment. Am I being unreasonable to ask for full disclosure? I have already brought it up a couple of times and really don’t know how to do it again. I don’t want to be in a situation where I am breaking the bank for a ring and then find out that she is still $18K deep with a $1000 student loan payment around the corner. If you have any advice on how to handle this situation I would greatly appreciate it... Thanks again for taking the time to read this lengthy post.
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