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My husband has no idea!

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    What if you took another approach and figured out a plan before you spoke with him. What you need is a good budget that shows you:

    -your income and expenses
    -where your money is being spent
    -how much is being spent needlessly
    -how to direct extra income towards your debt
    -and how long it will take you to get out from under the debt!

    I agree that you should set expectations when you sit down to have the conversation..but come with a solution. You may both be responsible for the debt, but it goes without saying he will be looking to you for a solution.


      Every marriage is different, but you certainly aren't the first to be in charge of finances yet let everything get out of control. I was the same way. Once I realized it, I just sat down and showed the grim truth: Look, here's our debt, here are our bills and spending, here's our income. See how the last two don't match up? We've got to make some big changes.

      They were chagrined, but not mad at me. After all, we'd all been behaving the same way financially. Just because I paid the bills, it didn't make them less responsible for what had happened. I understand your feelings of guilt, but it isn't all your fault.

      The people in the household who aren't in charge of finances don't just get to spend blindly and then get mad. I didn't say anything before that point even though I knew it was getting bad, because I didn't want to be the one to say, you can't have that. Now I say it all the time, and I'm not resented by my family; they respect me for knowing when we can and can't spend. They trust me to get us in a better place for our future.


        Originally posted by foxg04 View Post
        We have enough income to pay it off we just need a good budget. I think.
        Then come up with a good budget and show him. Don't let it get any worse because he doesn't like to talk about money.


          This debt must be dealt with before it gets worse, especially if one of you has been less than honest about your spending. Not only will the balance go up, but any tension, resentment, or blame will get worse.

          It's not the debt itself that destroys relationships, it's the underlying issues of trust, security, and common values.

          How do you tell him? Pick a quiet evening, tell him you have something important to talk about you need his help with, and it can't wait. Then lay it all out, how much, when it's due, and what you think you should do as a couple.
          Last edited by EEinNJ; 12-04-2009, 12:03 PM.


            Originally posted by foxg04 View Post
            I think he will be so mad that he would walk out on me.
            Assuming you both contributed to this mess, here are my thoughts:

            If he walks out on you, then let him go. Why would you want a little boy like that in your life? Surely you deserve a real man, right?

            If he walks, the statement he is making is the following:

            1. I am a little boy, immature, and lack responsability.
            2. I don't care about you, and you suck as a wife.
            3. It is all your fault and I am the victim.

            Why would you want to prevent such a little boy from leaving?

            This is an inconvenient test...of your marriage, and his manhood are being tested...lets see if he passess or fails, and if he fails, let him go because if you have any self-respect, you would not want such a little boy in your life.


              What is the best option?

              Sorry, I accidently replied with a new post.

              As for your post, since both you and your husband are responsible for the debt, isn't it best to just discuss it in a calm fashion? You both can better get yourselves out of debt, than by trying to do so solo.
              Last edited by inneedofhelp; 12-06-2009, 09:57 AM.


                It sounds like it'll be an uncomfortable conversation. So the question is, will it get any easier to have the discussion if you wait? I also concur with what some others have posted, that if he "walks" it's more of an indictment of him than the situation.


                  DH's eyes would glaze over if I tried to talk about money issues so I term it Cash Flow [sounds business-like] and use the back of a Dollar Store poster to do the visual. List Income [source] monthly & Annual; list expenditures from highest to lowest with interest in bracket and ask for help; ask for advice, ask what options he sees, what would he suggest to have you both get out from under etc. appeal to his ego.

                  [yeah, I know it's manipulative but it keeps the discussion manageable]

                  You could print out options you see, like detailing Ramsey/ snowball method to your debts, increasing income, expenses to eliminate, expenses to reduce and how etc. With Xmas on the horizon this might be urgent!


                    Originally posted by foxg04 View Post
                    We have joint debt but I just don't know how to tell him because he hates talking about money.
                    Wow, it's the other way around with us! Our debt is both our faults, but I was the one to explain to her that we would no longer be using credit, only debit.

                    You could do what I did and just take over all the bills....