Relationships

How to Stop Paying Money for Others

December 10, 2020 By Kathryn Vercillo Leave a Comment

Do you regularly find yourself paying money for others? There are several scenarios in which this problem might occur. However, you can deal with all of them by implementing two key tricks. And the best part about these tricks is that they don’t require the other people to make changes; it’s stuff that you can do yourself.

Scenarios When You Might Be Paying Money For Others

When are the times that you are paying money for others? Here are some common scenarios:

Your name is on a lease or utility bill. Therefore, you pay the bill and others are then supposed to pay their half to you. However, they don’t always pay you. As a result, you’re paying the entire cost for others.
The check comes at a restaurant or other shared event. Somehow the total doesn’t add up. You pay the extra to resolve the problem.
The check comes at a restaurant or other shared event. You say, “I’ve got this.” You do this more often than not.
You’ve offered to share your streaming services with others. Then you want to cancel or downgrade. However, you feel guilty for nipping their services in the bud. Therefore you just keep paying.

These are just a few of the scenarios that play out where you might find yourself paying for others. Brainstorm a list of others that apply to your own life. The more you know about the situation, the easier it’s going to be to resolve.

2 Key Things You Can Do To Stop Paying Money For Others

Each of these situations is different. However, they share a common denominator: you. You have choices. You can make changes. Therefore, it’s up to you to figure out what to do. And there are two key things that you can begin doing right now:

1. Work Through Your Own Money Issues

Many of us have psychological and emotional issues about money. We have received messages from our families and our culture that affect the way we deal with financial issues. This shows up in all sorts of ways. However, it especially shows up in our relationships. If you’re having problems paying money for others, then chances are that there is some underlying emotional stuff coming up for you that’s making it hard for you to set appropriate boundaries.

For example, if you’re the one at the table who always pays extra to settle a shared check, then dig deep to figure out why that is. How were financial conflicts handled in your family? Are you avoiding conflict because it’s a trigger for you? If so, what can you do differently in these situations to feel safe without having to foot the bill?

Conflict avoidance could be at the root of issues like covering rent for roommates as well. On the other hand, perhaps money represents security to you. Is that why you chose to be the leaseholder? If so, then what can you do differently to feel secure without people taking advantage of that?

Similarly, if you always pick up the check at a shared event, then it’s worth asking yourself why that is. What do you feel that it says about you that you pay for everyone? Is it a self-esteem issue? Is it a belief that you’re responsible? What’s going on underneath?

2. Learn to Talk About Money

This goes hand in hand with working through your own money issues. Once you know what’s going on with yourself, the other aspect is learning to properly communicate that information to others. Talking about money isn’t easy. But you can learn to do so with practice.

Start by discussing money issues with the people you find it easiest to do so with. They’ll help you strengthen your skills. You can even work with a therapist to help you learn to set boundaries and communicate them to others.

Obviously it helps if the other person will join in the conversation with you, but if all you ever reach is the goal of communicating your feelings then you’re still doing great. It will still help you stop paying for others when you don’t want to.

Additional Tips to Reduce The Problem of Paying for Others

Working on your own underlying issues, including learning better money communication, is truly the way to resolve this problem forever. But, of course, that might take some time. Here are some tips and tricks that you can implement in the meantime to minimize the problem in your life:

Promise yourself that you’ll always say no first if someone asks you to pay. You can always change your mind and decide to pay later if that’s a choice you consciously want to make. Saying no (or saying that you need to think about it) will help buy you some time.
Make use of apps like Venmo. People can instantly pay you right from their phone. Therefore, you should ask that they do so in appropriate situations such as when splitting a bill.
Set up weekly or monthly money meetings. Whether these are family meetings or get-togethers with roommates, this is a way to address financial issues. Sometimes just setting aside the time to talk resolves the issues. Once it becomes a habit, it will be easier for everyone.
Ask someone you love to hold you accountable. For example, if you always say, “we’ve got this” at the restaurant, ask your spouse to remind you not to do that. Ask for support in letting the situation unfold as it will.
Set a budget that includes paying for others. If you enjoy paying sometimes, then work that into your budget. Don’t exceed it. Monitor it closely.
Let everyone in your life know that you’re working on your personal finances. Say outright to everyone, “hey I’m just trying really hard to save money right now.” You can say this during a neutral time so that they know it’s not about them. This helps set the stage for all future conversations about money.

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How to Teach Your Spender Spouse to Save

September 30, 2020 By Kathryn Vercillo Leave a Comment

You are a saver. Your spouse is a spender. The differences are creating havoc in your marriage. Can you teach your spender spouse to save?

Can You Change Someone Else?

Before we get into some tips to help you teach your spender spouse to save, we have to acknowledge something: you can’t truly change someone else. You can encourage change. You can ask for change. There are many things that you can do to prompt change. But, ultimately, the only person that you can change is yourself.

So, before you go about trying to teach your spender spouse to save, you need to get them on board. If they flat out have zero interest in saving money, then you have a bigger problem on your hands. Many couples lose their relationships to money battles. If you’re at a standstill, then you may need couples therapy to help you get through the battle.

Change Yourself First

Since you can’t change someone else, the most important thing is first to do what you can to change yourself. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you will stop saving and start spending. But it does mean that you take an honest look at yourself before you try to teach your spender spouse to save.

Some questions to ask yourself include:

- What do saving and spending mean to me? There’s often an underlying emotional component. For example, if you understand that saving means security to you but spending means freedom to your spouse then you can come together to address the deeper issue.
- Why is saving important to me? How can I clearly express this to my partner in a way that they’ll understand?
- What about my partner’s spending is upsetting to me? How can I clearly, and fairly, express my concerns without blaming my partner?
- Is there anything that I can do differently without any aid from my spouse to address my concerns?
- What will I be willing to compromise about in order to take my spouse’s needs and desires into consideration?

Tips to Get Your Spouse on Board

Doing that inner work first will go a long way towards getting your spouse on board. Here are some additional tips:

Ask your spouse to set a meeting with you to talk about money. This should be a non-confrontational meeting scheduled when you both have time and energy to devote to it.
Use “I statements.” They may feel cheesy but they work. “You statements” blame the other person.
Even better, ask your spouse if you can discuss your financial goals as “we statements.” In other words, remember that you and your spouse are a team and money is the problem you’re working together to solve. You aren’t each other’s enemies.
Ask your spouse if they have some concerns about saving and spending that they would like to bring to the table. Be generous and listen closely to what they have to say.
Express why saving is important to you. Ask your spouse if they are willing to work on this with you.

Tips to Teach Your Spender Spouse to Save

If your spouse is even a little bit willing to make some changes, then yes, you can teach your spender spouse to save. Here are some good tips that can help you along the way:

Make it Convenient to Save

The more convenient something is for us, the more likely we are to do it. That’s just human nature. Some of the ways to make savings more convenient include:

Automate your savings. Make an agreement with your spouse to channel a specific amount of money into savings each month. Set it up to happen automatically.
Install money-saving apps on your spouse’s phone. For example, use an app that rounds up your purchases and deposits the extra into savings.
Ask your spouse if they would like you to handle certain shopping. For example, if your spouse always spends extra at the grocery store, would you both be willing to have you do the grocery shopping? It’s more convenient for them, since they don’t have to shop, and you get to control the grocery spending.
Track your spending each month. Use your bank statements and credit card bills to track spending for both of you. Make it easy for your spouse to see where the money goes each month. Don’t blame or shame; just make the information available.

Make a Trade or Compromise

Ask your spouse what they think about your shared finances. Find out how they feel about saving and spending. Then ask them what they wish was different. Find a way to trade them for what they want.

For example, you might discover that they don’t want to spend willy nilly on everything. However, they’re afraid that if they focus too much on saving then you’ll never have any fun together. Brainstorm some ways to guarantee that you’ll have that fun – date nights, travel plans, etc. Then make an agreement that if you set a budget for those then you’ll stick to that budget.

When you’re in two different places, see if you can come to a compromise.

Decide if an Allowance Works For You Both

Some couples agree that the saver will handle the finances and give the spender an allowance. Other couples agree that they each have a certain amount of allowance that they don’t have to discuss with each other before spending. See if an allowance option works for both of you. It can be problematic in some households but helpful in others. Note that it only works for the marriage if both of you think it’s the right plan.

Make it a Game

Finances don’t have to be boring. Make saving more fun for both of you by taking on some money-saving challenges together. You may find ways to compete with one another for savings if your spouse is motivated by competition. Or perhaps you can find challenges that will allow you to work together to meet a savings goal. When you meet your goals, enjoy a reward of your spouse’s choosing.

Use tools that Make you Save

There are a lot of tools that can make you and your spouse save and one of this is using VPN when travelling or doing private transactions online. VPN is the only tool to secure users private data and avoid data leak or minor the risk to get malware or any other way of fraud. Great option of a VPN while saving money, as Atlas vpn is the cheapest on the market.

Praise, Don’t Blame

Nobody wants to be shamed for their actions, especially by their spouse. We all prefer positive reinforcement. So, when you see your spouse making a choice that involves saving over spending, acknowledge it. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. You certainly don’t want to be patronizing. But it’s nice to say, “I noticed that you saved in this way and I really appreciate that you heard how important that is to me and acted on it. I love you.”

Ask for Professional Help

Sometimes you can’t teach your spender spouse to save because the two of you just can’t get on the same communication page when it comes to money. It’s time to get help. Help could be in the form of:

A marriage counselor who works specifically with money issues
Financial planners that work with couples
An unbiased friend, mentor, or family member who can help you work through the challenges

What are some of the other ways that you can teach your spender spouse to save? Share what has (and hasn’t) worked for you in the comments. Or, if you’re the spender, give us your thoughts on this tricky topic!

Costco Roses Are Red, Are They Cheaper Too?

February 11, 2019 By Amanda Blankenship Leave a Comment

Valentine’s Day has the sale of red roses through the roof. While many florists can get away with charging up to $3.50 a stem, you can get roses for around $1 each. That is if you are willing to order more than 12. Bulk or otherwise, Costco roses seem to be the most fairly priced.

Average Price of Roses

Despite studies showing most women don’t want flowers for Valentine’s Day, roses continue to be a popular gift for the holiday.

This year, you can grab a dozen roses at Costco for $15.99. Although there’s no vase included, you can’t really beat that elsewhere. In fact, the average price of a dozen roses has climbed in recent years.

Bouquet prices can reach up to $6 per stem, making a dozen cost more than $60, with higher-end bouquets landing around $100. The average price paid for a dozen falls around $30. Typically, price varies on quality, supply, and stem length. Oftentimes, cheaper bouquets will not be as high quality.

Costco Roses Bulk Price

Buying in bulk, of course, will always save you money but you’ll be stuck with more roses than you need, most likely. The bulk lot requirement to save money at Costco: 50 roses for $49.99. If you talk any of your friends into going in on a deal with you and splitting up the flowers, then the deal is fairly cheap and can save you money. However, most people don’t need 50 roses.

Costco is able to offer such low prices on roses because the company negotiated a bulk deal with a flower warehouse located in Colombia. Unlike many other cheaper options, the quality of the roses is fantastic.

Interestingly, Costco’s deal doesn’t require membership for purchase, and it includes shipping and handling. However, the deal is only available online or via telephone. You will not be able to place Costco roses orders in the store.

Last-Minute Savings

Unfortunately, it is probably too late to order a last-minute bouquet for your sweetheart. Costco typically requires all Valentine’s Day orders to be in by noon EST on February 10. Oftentimes, the wholesale retailer sells out early. The same is the case with many other retailers and flower companies. You’ll likely be able to rely on Walmart and some of the mainstream flower companies for last-minute assistance. Here are the prices for last-minute Valentine’s Day roses.

Walmart: Bouquets of roses start at $9.99 and go up from there. Most locations will also have some roses available in premade vases if you get there early enough in the day.
Amazon: Prime members may have the best option when it comes to buying last-minute roses for Valentine’s Day. You can get free two-day shipping on roses through Amazon. Get two dozen roses through Amazon for just $45.
ProFlowers: ProFlowers has one dozen roses from $19.99. You can get additional sweets and gifts for your significant other through them as well. They will be taking orders up until February 13 for Valentine’s Day.
1-800-Flowers: This company is offering a similar guarantee. As long as you order by noon EST the day before Valentine’s, you should have your order the next day. Prices for one dozen roses through 1-800-Flowers start at $24.99.

Additionally, the closer you get to the holiday, the more likely businesses are to raise their prices. If the price of roses is a bit too high for your Valentine’s budget, you may also consider looking into different types of flowers for your significant other. Inquire what some of their favorites might be and consider sending those instead. Carnations are always a popular second choice.

Readers, are you planning to send (or receive) any flowers this Valentine’s Day?

Can Setting a 2019 Budget Save Your Relationship?

December 24, 2018 By Amanda Blankenship 1 Comment

There is always a huge influx of unsolicited advice when you enter the new year (or a new relationship). Fifty-three percent of Americans making resolutions for 2019 are focusing on their personal finances. The first step to improving your finances is setting a budget and, believe it or not, it may have a positive benefit on your relationship as well.

How a Budget Can Save Your Marriage

Talking about your finances can have a huge impact on your relationship. In fact, for 100 percent of marriages money is a necessity every day. Reviewing your finances, learning how to create a budget, and making sure you have enough money, are all key to having a successful relationship.

Having both parties involved in your budget will increase accountability, and it will force you to work together on something. Budgeting can also be humbling and provides some sense of accomplishment, all while cutting down the number of surprises you encounter when it comes to money.

Any type of financial strain can (and will) put additional stress on your relationship. So, how do you start the discussion?

Budgeting for 2019

As you’re wrapping up 2018, you may be looking for ways to improve your marriage or relationship in the new year. Sitting down and talking about your finances is a great way to get started. An estimated 70 percent of couples fight about their finances. The talking points below may help you ease into the discussion and get a better grasp on the finances in your home.

Start budgeting for regular expenses (i.e., taxes, bills, etc.). Go over what your budget is going to look like month-to-month. Doing this can give you both a good idea of how much you’ll be able to save as well as a good snapshot of where your money is going.
Budget large one-time expenses. If you’re planning a vacation, a wedding, or some other big expense, plan for it before the new year starts. You’ll want to budget out your savings for the event.
Find something you can trim from your budget. Sit down together and find something you can save money on together. This will make you both feel accomplished and it will make you both feel like you are contributing to your finances. Not only that but you can take the cash and put it into savings.
Talk about debt. If you and your significant other hold any debt, you need to talk about it and establish a way to pay it down (or off completely). Paying off your debt will make all of your other finances fall into place so much easier.
Discuss your long-term goals. What kind of vision do you have for your lives in the next 12 months? Where do you want to be this time next year? What about this time five years from now? Be sure every change you are making lines up with your financial goals.

Minimizing the amount you fight about finances in the new year will free up plenty of time to focus on what is most important: each other.

Readers, do you go over your budget with your significant other? How has it impacted your relationship?

Ways Friendships Can Affect Your Health

January 9, 2016 By Amanda Blankenship 2 Comments

Is the concept of “friendship” in trouble? We hope not, because it turns out they are key to a long and healthy life.

Friendship is an important part of everyone’s life. Most Americans (about 98 percent) say that they have at least one good friend, and the average number of friends each person has is nine. So, it seems, friends really may make the world go round. However, just 25 years ago, people were reporting that they had 10 friends on average. The number of close friends has fallen as well.

Increases in social isolation would be pretty bad for Americans, who have already isolated themselves with technology. As it turns out, friendships may also have a significant impact on your health. Let’s take a look at a few reasons why.

Friends can actually help extend your life. You are less likely to die prematurely if you have a good group of friends than if you are isolated. Social ties like this impact life expectancy more than exercising or quitting smoking. The main reason for this is that the number of friendships you have are linked to the body’s way of processing stress. Social isolation can increase stress and cause some significant wear and tear on your body.

Friends make you healthier overall. This statement sounds kind of weird, but it is true. Looking at studies over a period of time, researchers have found that people who are socially isolated are more likely to be sick often or have chronic illness.

Friends help your mental health. Friends oftentimes make you feel like you belong with them, and that may be key for mental health. Older people with dementia often see an increase in symptoms when feelings of loneliness increase. This led researchers to believe that a lack of social attachments increases cognitive decline.

Friends are good (or bad) influences. Many headlines and news stories have alerted people that “obesity is contagious.” If your friends gain weight, it is likely you will also gain weight, but this is also true of losing weight, or being thin. Your friends influence you more than you know, for better or for worse.

Friends are great support systems. When you are going through hard times, you can usually lean on your best friend. Research has shown this has also worked in helping cancer patients to pull through treatment. Support groups and friendships may not extend the life of people going through hard times (mentally and physically), but it will improve their quality of life.

Friends can help you cope. We’ve all seen relationships that go badly, but friends can help you get through the rejection. They can also help you pick up the pieces and cope with your feelings. They are people you can lean on, always.

Friends can be there forever. Lifelong friends are a real concept. Even when people move away for work or school, friendships can be maintained. Oftentimes, friendships made during college years last for the length of a person’s life. Even if they don’t live near one another, many people keep in contact via telephone and email.

It seems your friendships can be crucial to your overall health, so make sure you focus on your friendships and the healthy relationships in your life. It can mean life or death.

Photo: Flickr: Corey Balazowich

10 Things That Don’t Seem To Be About Money, But Really Are

August 9, 2012 By Danielle Warchol 4 Comments

Many people fail to realize that almost all aspects of our lives are intricately weaved together with our finances, but it’s crucially important to understand that even things that don’t initially seem to have anything to do with finances or money management can have a great impact on these areas. By understanding that almost every decision that we make has financial consequences, you place yourself in a position to save money where you once wasted it without even realizing it. Here are a few of those areas that may not seem to have anything to do with money, but upon deeper reflection actually have a large impact in this area:

Stress

Almost everyone has been stressed out about something during their lives. Some of us deal with more stress on a daily basis than others. While stress can be caused by a variety of things, it’s often caused due to concerns about money. After all, which of us haven’t been stressed about our lack of savings, paying bills, or saving for retirement? Money is always a constant concern and it’s no wonder that stress is usually about money – even when it appears that the reason behind stress is something completely different.

Time

The saying “time is money” is definitely true. Time is a valuable thing and wasted time means wasted money. What this boils down to is people who squander opportunities to earn money – or spend less – in favor of being unproductive. How many of us could do an extra job for an extra paycheck but choose not to because we would rather hang out or sit in front of the TV? So, really, Benjamin Franklin was right when he said that “time is money”.

Relationship Breakups

More people than ever before state that the biggest reason their relationships fail is because of money. If one or both people in a relationship are barely breaking even, money is going to be an issue. It might not seem like it at first, but when you get down to the root of the problem or the arguments, you can bet that it’s going to be about money.

Health Problems

Just as money is often a factor behind stress, it’s also a factor behind poor health. Of course, money isn’t going to give you a disease, but constantly worrying about money will take its toll on your mental and physical wellbeing. If you’re worn down by your financial troubles, then you’re going to be more prone to getting sick.

Diet

Obviously, your diet is influenced by your financial status. Of course, on the surface level you’re going to worry about paying for groceries or your ability to go out to a restaurant is determined by how much money you have in the bank. But on a deeper level, your choice of food may be subconsciously influenced by money. For example, you might choose a generic brand over a well-known one because it’s cheaper. You might automatically skip organic produce because you don’t want to pay more money for it.

Education

Unfortunately, education has become about money. Sometimes it’s about sending a child to a public or private middle or high school. Sometimes it’s about whether or not someone can afford to go to a specific college. Additionally, instead of education being about obtaining knowledge and expanding one’s mind and skills, it’s become about obtaining a degree in order to obtain a job with a higher paycheck.

Habits

Most habits stem from someone’s financial status or awareness of money. This can range from having expensive clothing tastes to eating out every night to spending money twice a day for coffee. Or it could be obsessing about your budget and minimizing the amount of money you spend. It can even be something as simple as having the bad habit of leaving the light on after you leave a room, which makes your electric bill more expensive.

Emotions

Emotions are often tied to money. You’re happy when you’re not worrying about money and pleased when you can spend money without concern. But you’re angry when you don’t have any money and stressed when you’re in debt. Our emotions are tied to our financial stability. Even when money isn’t the first thing on our mind, it still affects our mood.

Entertainment

How you entertain yourself is definitely about money. Whether it’s going out to the movies, watching a sports game with friends, or staying home reading or watching TV, money is definitely involved. Your entertainment options are definitely affected by your budget and sometimes certain options aren’t feasible because you don’t have the money to spend. Even the decision to buy a DVD to watch repeatedly instead of paying for a movie channel on TV or Netflix is a decision that’s based on money and convenience.

Sleep

Naturally, sleep can be drastically tied to money. As with our emotions, health, and stress issues, the state of our finances can affect how we sleep at night. Are you worried about being able to pay your rent? You’re probably going to toss and turn all night. On the other hand, if you just got a promotion and a raise, you’re probably going to sleep wonderfully. Like most things, the more reassured you are, the better you feel. So, the next time you’re having a bad night’s sleep and are also having financial issues, you’ll know why you can’t get that rest you deserve!

(Photo courtesy of stevendepolo)