judging others

Let Them Judge You

May 3, 2013 By Jennifer Derrick 2 Comments

A couple of years ago, I had a run in with the neighborhood jerk. A group of neighbors was trying to mobilize against a potential new road that would cut through some properties and lower the value of others. Everyone in the neighborhood was against the road except this one guy. He felt like having the state buy his property would be the best thing that could happen since there was no way that he could sell it for what he owed on it. (He bought late in the housing bubble and paid way too much. His fault, but not the point of this article.)

Anyway, we were all content to let him have his opinion. Not everyone has to agree. However, he kept turning up at our organizational meetings and making a nuisance of himself. He would talk about how stupid we all were, how we’d never win (we did), and how we were wasting our time. I think it was his passive aggressive way of trying to force us to abandon the cause so he could have his way. Rather than actively fight for his position, he chose to try to destroy ours.

After a few meetings worth of this, I had a conversation with him in the parking lot. I told him (nicely) that we understood his position and that we would prefer that he not come to the meetings anymore. Well, he proceeded to call me a lot of names that I won’t repeat and then condemned the lot of us as idiots and selfish children. For a long time after that, I felt bad. I let his comments get to me. I questioned what we were doing and how we were going about it. Every time I saw him, I shrank a little. I spent weeks dreaming up the perfect comeback that I knew I’d never deliver. I felt that I had been judged, found wanting, and I let that jerk dictate my feelings for weeks.

So what does this have to do with money, you ask? A lot. While this guy was judging me over a political matter, others may judge us according to what we wear, what we drive, and what we do for a living. While others might not be as confrontational as the neighborhood jerk, we nonetheless feel their subtle censure. Their judgments can wreck how we feel about ourselves when before they came into the picture, we saw nothing wrong. It can lead to spending sprees as we try to keep up with them and to avoid failing in their eyes.

I know that it’s easier said than done to let things go. It’s hard not to let judgmental people “rent space in our heads.” But after a few weeks of thinking about Mr. Jerk, I asked myself if he was worth it. He wasn’t. Even if his judgments about me were correct, he wasn’t worth the effort I was expending worrying about him. Until he walked into my life, I was content and happy with myself. His ridiculous behavior shouldn’t have the power to change that. I stopped worrying about him and focused on the things that needed to be done. Sure, I sometimes lapsed into feeling bad, but the overall trend was positive. I felt much better.

When you feel like someone is judging you for your possessions, appearance, or lifestyle don’t race to spend money to change yourself. Ask yourself if you’re happy with things as they are. If they answer is yes, then let the judgmental people think what they want. You don’t have to change just because someone looks at you funny or is so rude as to actually say something about your clothes or possessions. We don’t have a lot of time on this Earth and you shouldn’t waste it worrying about what other people think. If they want to spend their limited time talking about you behind your back or snickering at your old car, let them. You probably have better things to do with your time.

(Photo courtesy of Diacritical)

Does What You Notice About Others Say Something About You?

September 3, 2010 By Jennifer Derrick 9 Comments

I’ll admit, right at the beginning of this post, that I may be looking at things in a stereotypical manner. I realize that everyone has different reasons for noticing certain things, but I ran into a situation the other day that made me think. I was in the local Applebee’s and the two women in the booth in front of me were having a loud conversation. (I don’t tend to eavesdrop, but good grief, if you’re having a conversation at full volume you have to expect to be heard.) Anyway, they were talking about clothes, bags, and shoes. The conversation started with them talking about some outfit that they had seen on a mutual friend. Evidently, the outfit was expensive, but the woman in question didn’t wear it well. The two women were making unkind remarks about the third woman. I just sort of rolled my eyes and kept on eating.

After a few minutes, a woman came into the restaurant all dolled up in designer wear. The two women noticed and immediately started breaking down her outfit, accessories, and even her cell phone. They knew all of the designers/manufacturers of everything she was wearing and proceeded to make all kinds of judgments about this woman. They didn’t know her, that was clear. They were just making guesses about her income, family, etc. based on her clothes. They painted this woman has having a great job, great family, and lots of money.

Another woman came in dressed normally in jeans and a t-shirt and they started making the same judgments about her, only they weren’t as kind. This woman was labeled “trailer trash” and they figured she didn’t have any money, no life, and a poor job.

These two women were starting to get on my nerves, so I started to pay closer attention to them. They were both dressed very well, in what were either designer duds or knock-offs (I don’t know enough to tell the difference). Clearly they enjoyed looking at other people and making judgments about them based on their appearances. It was like a game for them. It got me thinking in general terms: Does what you notice about others say something about you?

Like I said at the beginning, I realize there could be any number of reasons these women were making comments about others that they did not know and what I’m about to say may be stereotypical, but I think it’s worth a thought. I think that these women noticed the clothes and accessories of others because they have a need to feel superior. They need to feel like their choices are validated. Therefore, everyone who dresses like them has a great life, while people who dress down are poor losers.

But who’s to say? The dressed down woman could have had a million bucks in the bank form a business she runs out of her home, therefore she has no need to dress up every workday. She could have been meeting her fabulous husband at the bar. The nicely dressed woman could have been in debt up to her eyeballs and just been laid off from her job. Her nice outfit could have been a bit of retail therapy to help her deal with the divorce papers her husband just served her with. What people wear or drive says very little about their true situation.

When you notice the luxury items of others, do you notice because you just happen to appreciate fine things, or are you envious of the alleged wealth of the owner? Do you look at their things and compare them to yours, looking for validation? Do you think, “Well, if she’s wearing Prada and has that fabulous life, then I made the right choice by spending my entire check on Prada?” If you look at people’s stuff with anything other than a passing glance or appreciation for fine workmanship, you need to ask yourself why. It’s a dangerous game to look at others and use them as validation for your own choices, or to assume that owning these things grants someone a wonderful life.

Things are just things. A shirt is a shirt and a bag is a bag. They don’t always tell the truth about their owners. Anyone with a charge card can buy designer wear. It doesn’t mean that they live a great life or that they have money. It might, but it’s just as likely that the owner has problems, issues, and bills stacked to the ceiling just like you do.

If you constantly notice cars, luxury clothes, watches, and handbags, that habit may say more about you than it does the owner. You may be trying to fill a void in your own life by coveting things, or mentally associating yourself with the owners of luxury goods. That’s not a healthy way to live. It makes you shallow. It’s fine to appreciate the finer things in life, but when that becomes the first and only thing you notice about people, it may be time to look at yourself and ask yourself what you’re trying to compensate for in your own life.

Why We Should Judge People By Their Finances

March 13, 2009 By David G. Mitchell 19 Comments

A recent Saving Advice article called on all of us to pursue the path of kindness when confronted with people who are suffering as a result of our current economic crisis. I am very much in agreement with the author’s plea that we approach people in hardship without “anger” or “resentment” – those emotions are not going to help anyone – but I cannot agree that we should address people in financial distress without “judgment.”

We have to judge the mistakes of others and doing so is neither cruel nor hateful. It is merely a way of acknowledging that mistakes were made. Indeed, if we do not acknowledge the mistakes that are at the root of a problem, I do not believe that we can address the problem.

A colleague of mine who was laid off from his job at the same time that I was (about 15 months ago) mentioned in an e-mail that he has been able to weather the economic storm because he has been “saving, saving, saving” for the past several years. I have been doing the same and, although the depletion of our bank accounts is unsettling, I still have a cushion to see me through to a job later this year (I hope!).

While we were saving our money, and buying comparatively modest homes, our other colleagues were chiding us for not investing heavily in the stock market. They could not understand how we could be content owning only those things that we knew we could afford or how we could stay home and relax on our vacations, rather than travel the world. For that matter, I was often asked why I was driving such an old truck (a 2002 model with only 80,000 miles on it – so still young in my mind) when I could trade it in for a new vehicle.

When we look back on the past decade and more, we see a global culture that was engaged in hyper-spending based on theoretical money. Even after the dot com bubble burst, and people started to realize that the value of so many dot com success stories amounted to little more than vapor, people in the USA continued to believe that housing prices would continue to rise forever. As a result, homebuyers over spent for fear of being left out of the riches that could be gained from the appreciation of real property.

So where does that leave us now, when we have to deal with all of the millions who are suffering? Where does it leave us as individuals as we look at our own problems and our own mistakes?
It leaves us as judges.

And that is not a bad thing. For too long, Americans and people in other developed nations have lived with a sense of entitlement. A sense that success should come easy. A sense of “I’ve want what I’ve got coming to me.” The thing is, we have no entitlements. Success does not come easy. The only thing that is coming to us is what we earn. Someone needed to remind us of that a long time ago. We all should have had judges to tell us what we were doing wrong.

So I suggest, the next time you encounter someone with a problem, judge them. If they caused their own problem and they are not acknowledging it, tell them clearly, but without malice, that they screwed up. That is judgment.

But do not stop there. After you have judged, you need to go on to inform. Explain how the problem could have been avoided and what the person can do to remedy it going forward. If the problem cannot be remedied, be clear about that and then encourage the person to move on.

The problems arising in our economy today are of our own manufacture. We are all judged to be at blame and there is no harm in admitting it. In fact, if we did more consistently assess ourselves and those around us, and pass judgment on the merits and flaws of our collective behavior, we may find that we do not create another economic crisis a generation after the current crisis ends.

What do you think? Are we tough enough to give tough advice and to receive it? Shouldn’t we be strong enough to be judged? We all have flaws and failings. Is it time that we accepted them and were able to hear other people admit them to us.