choosing a partner love

[bennkar]

The idea that a marriage failed "because you picked the wrong person" is like saying your car failed "because you picked the wrong car."

Given proper maintenance, cars are capable of outliving us all. But if you went 50,000 miles between oil changes and never changed your timing belt, then you can't blame your choice of a car on the matter. When you bought the car, you felt in love with it. Yet you forgot to love it, so it failed.

While a library of books has been written as to why marriage fails, the underlying denominator is that society understands "love" to be a noun rather than a verb.

I always get a wry chuckle when I read these type of one size fits all declarations. Marriage is a two way street, and no matter how much you love a marriage (i.e. work at it), if the other person doesn't do the things needed to make it work, you either are going to get to the point to admit its a lost cause, or be miserable martyr for uncounted years trying to make it work by yourself. I won't hijack the thread, but lets just say I know from experience.

As for the OP, I would give one point of advice. Don't expect the other person to grow up or change by seeing your example. Great if it happens, but it shouldn't be expected.

Oh.... here's another one. Don't put your best foot forward. Really. I refuse to do it, I show them just what they're getting up front. Saves time for them and for me. And I have someone that loves me (or at least puts up with me) just how I am. Can't beat it.

[Petunia 100]

That is yet another pop culture narrative that is unequivocally b.s. (surprise surprise!)

Marriages that followed "living together" have an eventual divorce rate that is anywhere from 40 to 60% higher than marriages where the couples did not co-habitate prior, depending on which study you read.

https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorce_Statistics_and_Living_Together

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family...tatistics.aspx

Not everyone sees marriage as the penultimate goal. Some of us are quite happily not married to our partners.

[Petunia 100]

As to the original question, no, you cannot change your partner. You can change only yourself.

Does your divorcing friend have minor children? If yes, she should finish raising them before considering another marriage, IMO.

And why is she worried about it already anyway? Is there a third party in this divorce?

[TexasHusker]

I always get a wry chuckle when I read these type of one size fits all declarations. Marriage is a two way street, and no matter how much you love a marriage (i.e. work at it), if the other person doesn't do the things needed to make it work, you either are going to get to the point to admit its a lost cause, or be miserable martyr for uncounted years trying to make it work by yourself. I won't hijack the thread, but lets just say I know from experience.

As for the OP, I would give one point of advice. Don't expect the other person to grow up or change by seeing your example. Great if it happens, but it shouldn't be expected.

Oh.... here's another one. Don't put your best foot forward. Really. I refuse to do it, I show them just what they're getting up front. Saves time for them and for me. And I have someone that loves me (or at least puts up with me) just how I am. Can't beat it.

...and keep wry chuckling. 😜

[TexasHusker]

Correlation does not equal causation, which even the linked articles point out (well the first one does, the second only shows the numbers but makes no declarations about what the numbers mean). Its quite possible living together wouldn't help determine if a marriage would work, but I would not bet against it.

You’d be betting against pretty compelling statistics, but be my guest.

[TexasHusker]

Not everyone sees marriage as the penultimate goal. Some of us are quite happily not married to our partners.

No doubt. Perhaps you misunderstood my post?

[TexasHusker]

Oh.... here's another one. Don't put your best foot forward. Really. I refuse to do it, I show them just what they're getting up front. Saves time for them and for me. And I have someone that loves me (or at least puts up with me) just how I am. Can't beat it.

I have enough respect for myself, my wife, and our marriage that I still strive to have my best foot forward. 29 years this August. I would much prefer her to love me than put up with me.

[Like2Plan]

After reading the posts in this thread I would offer this idea.
Look at your own thoughts /habits on money have they changed over the years?
I am almost certain it has.
As each life situation pop up things change........ maybe you are comfortable now and feel more at ease spending or as people are ready to retire they may get more frugal anticipating not having enough.

So regardless if you ask a bunch of questions or live with a person before marriage, there is no solid way to predict a persons ability to handle or mishandle money.

I agree with this. DH and I will be celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary next month. We have changed our business model quite a bit from when we first started out.
I'm pretty sure we would answer the questionnaire differently now than when we were first married.

[Gailete]

A friend is getting divorced and has gotten burned financially. She was irresponsible but she picked someone terrible as well. That being said she asked me how I picked someone financially compatible? And what if she picks another guy whose financially incompatible? She's trying to be financially responsible now. But i said you can pick someone financially incompatible if they want to change, but maybe I'm wrong.

I feel like on here there is a lot of experience in this subject. Can you change your partner if they aren't on the same page? Can it still work? If you could go back would you not pick your partner because of financial differences? Or did you cut ties because of it?

I feel like it's easier to find someone financially compatible because I don't know that I would be comfortable with someone dissemiliar financially. I guess I am not sure i would be able to date now someone who spent freely and wasn't naturally cautious because i'm not sure I could spend that way.

I got burned financially several times in my life because of husbands and finances. My first husband had absolutely NO concept of what being a husband was all about, nor did he think that his money was mine, but he did seem to think that my money was his! He had presented much more than his best foot forward as I am positive he was being coached by his entire family up to the point of time to cut the cake. When it was time at our wedding he didn't want to because he didn't like cake. His mom I think talked him into it for the photo op. He had multiple mental health problems as well as being high functioning autistic. He controlled the family finances. I stopped allowing him to have my paycheck after a year, especially when I found that he had been buying stocks in his own name, it took me a year to convince him that the house insurance with the bank was set to go to his mom, not me in the event of his death! He was a momma's boy pure and simple and only cared about himself. Mr. Big Bucks was the exact opposite. He seemed to feel that if he still had any credit left on one of his cards he could keep spending to the point when our divorce hit, our credit card bills were over $1100/month minimum payments. Neither of these two guys were willing to change their financially whatsoever. The first one during the last few years of our marriage never let me even take his paycheck to the bank for him as he was convinced I would steal it from him! I had never given him any indication that I was a thief either. Mr. Big Bucks was in total denial about all things financial and had presented himself as in great financial shape only to find out that along with the mortgage and car payments, he had $20K in credit card debt!

Hubby is much better about money and lets me handle it all although at times we did get wires crossed which upset him. The hardest thing at this point is his not working much because of health problems, and I am exhausted from the stress of it all. He also doesn't like credit card bills, but we have them nor has he asked how bad they are even though I work tirelessly to get them paid off. Do I think a zebra can change its stripes to spots? No, not at all. I think a couple must work together at all things concerning the marriage and money is one of the biggest problems. While it may be easy to think you can skip the problems by having separate accounts, I can guarantee you that if the spouse/partner doesn't come up with his share of the expenses, the responsible one will make sure that you maintain a roof over your head and food on the table.

Trying to find someone that is financially compatible would be a difficult thing to do, but I think a very important goal, since no one should go into marriage thinking that they will change their spouse, things don't work that way. I think the friend needs time to lick her wounds, get her finances in order before even thinking about someone else. I think some of the things to think about is when someone new comes into the picture, how often do they expect you to pay for dates? How often do they bring up the other's income with no talk of their own, are they encouraging you to make more money through side ventures, or encourage you to leave a job you love because it doesn't pay enough? Those sorts of things can ring the warning bells that they want to be supported in a style that they would like to become accustomed to.