How to take over my girlfriends finances?

[rhetoricalphd]

My girlfriend is horrible with her finances, so she has been asking me for almost a year now to take over her finances. Meaning determine her fixed expenses, make sure she pays her outstanding debts on time and put money away for savings. I outlined a plan for her but she literally wants me to take over her finances.

I am at a lost on how to do this, without combining our finances and just having me in charge of everything. Do I go about this by having her paycheck come to my account, then paying her bills, setting aside savings and giving her spending money every week.

Do I just help her to make sure she covers her bills and then give her an "allowance" and tae her debit card. How do I go about taking over her finances in order to help her?

[disneysteve]

There are no words to express what a horrendous idea this is.

You should not "take over" your girlfriend's finances and you absolutely should not do anything that comingles your money with hers. No joint accounts. No putting her paycheck in your account and then you paying her bills. No cosigning of loans. No making her an authorized user on your credit card. Nothing that would in any way connect the two of you financially. You are not her father. You are her boyfriend. Remember that.

What should you do? You should sit down together and help her work out a budget that puts money in savings, accounts for all of her fixed bills, and designates an amount that makes sense for her discretionary spending. It is then HER job to follow that budget. Initially, you might want to have budget meetings weekly to see if she's staying on track and to help point out issues that are arising. Once she is getting the hang of it, you can have those meetings less often, every 2 weeks, then every 3, then monthly after that.

She's an adult. It's her money. It's her life. You can certainly help her, especially if she's asking for your help, but ultimately she needs to control her finances, not you.

[bjl584]

I agree with Steve. Help her make a budget. Help her stick to her budget. Help her set up a retirement account. Make the phone calls. Do the legwork and research. Act like her financial advisor. But under no circumstances should you combine your finances. Not until you are married.

[phantom]

No no no no no no no!

You would not be doing your girlfriend any favors by taking over her finances. She needs to learn how to take care of these things herself. Having someone else take care of her finances, no matter how much she trusts that person is just asking for trouble.

So, what should you do? I would sit down with her and help her make a plan. I would make sure she understands the choices you help her to make and try to teach her to make the choices on her own. If she refuses to learn, I would refuse to help.

If she's afraid she can't trust herself to stick to a plan, I would suggest automating as much of it as possible. You can help her set up her direct deposit so that a portion goes straight to savings, a portion goes straight to a checking account that she's free to spend out of how she likes, and a portion will go to a checking account out of which she pays her bills. Where it makes sense, help her to set up bills to be paid automatically. You can sit with her as she sets these things up, but she should learn how to do these things herself and take responsibility for them.

[avil_saver36]

My girlfriend is horrible with her finances, so she has been asking me for almost a year now to take over her finances. Meaning determine her fixed expenses, make sure she pays her outstanding debts on time and put money away for savings. I outlined a plan for her but she literally wants me to take over her finances.

I am at a lost on how to do this, without combining our finances and just having me in charge of everything. Do I go about this by having her paycheck come to my account, then paying her bills, setting aside savings and giving her spending money every week.

Do I just help her to make sure she covers her bills and then give her an "allowance" and tae her debit card. How do I go about taking over her finances in order to help her?

IMO, unless you are married, you should never touch anyone else's finances. Also, you should think seriously and reevaluate the relationship. If your partner cannot figure out how to do basic addition/subtraction, cannot differentiate between needs and wants and can be easily manipulated into spending unnecessary money, you need to think of how you can improve your situation. In my worldly experiences, having a spendthrift partner is the biggest liability of financially savvy people.

[HappySaver]

Agree with everything above. Just set a time each week where you sit down with her and babysit while she does her finances. You can show her how to do things, offer advice, hover to make sure she makes payments, etc., but DO NOT DO IT FOR HER.

[nitrodz]

thanks

[myrdale]

Unless you were engaged and she had been the victim of a serious head injury, there is no plausible justification that I can come up with where "taking over your girl friends finances" even starts to make sense.

Even if you were married it still doesn't make sense. It drives me nuts listening to Dave or other final shows when someone calls in and says the spouse handles all of the finances.

As the others suggested, I'd sit down with her and come up with a monthly budget.

I can not except the fact that she can not write checks to pay her bills. Help her organize better and come up with a routine that works. Personally all bills I receive during the week go on to a card holder in the middle of my kitchen table. Every Saturday morning, I cut the checks I need, then drop them off at the post office on my way into town.

If you give her an allowance, this will only breed trouble. She will want to do something to which you will say no, to which she will remind you it is her money.

Help educate her, yes. Take it all over for her? NO.

[rhetoricalphd]

Yes, I do agree with everyone and this has been a frustrating aspect of our relationship for me. I have sat down with her and done a budget and she does not stick to it. I have told her the steps she needs to take, such as open an account for automatic savings. We are planning to get married and have kids within the next two years but she needs to get a grip on her finances. She make s75k a year!

I have not tried the weekly meeting tactic yet, perhaps I will try that. I am not ending my relationship because she struggles (this word is an understatement, I acknowledge) with finances.

[FLA]

Unless you were engaged and she had been the victim of a serious head injury, there is no plausible justification that I can come up with where "taking over your girl friends finances" even starts to make sense.

Even if you were married it still doesn't make sense

.

That an educated (I would assume since she makes 75k) woman making that much is even asking you to do this, throws up a huge red flag to me. I get that some women prefer their husband make say, all the investment decisions, because they believe they "are not good with money". And while I get that, I don't respect that, you should know exactly where your money as a couple goes. And know how to handle it in case DH gets flattened by a bus. She literally cannot write her own bills? Even 50s wives dealt with the household accounts. IMHO, she is not 12, she needs to handle her finances once you've taught her. Seriously, get her the book Financial Planning for Dummies, it explains very simply how to take care of personal finances. I would teach her the basics and give her the book. IMO, I would not constantly sit down with her all the time and repeatedly go over the basics, I'd ask how's it going? once or twice a month. You are not her dad and if every week she is coming to you with things you know she can do, that would drive me nuts. If independence with personal finances is the goal and she cannot meet it, I would question whether I could deal with this long term, forever as a spouse.

Kids in 2 years??? Again, just my opinion, I think a woman needs to be a grown up and all that comes with it independently before adding kids to the mix. I don't mean to come off as harsh and I hope you get this figured out. I would suggest discussing in depth each of your child rearing beliefs, there might be some surprises there, too.

Just curious, has she ever lived on her own? If yes, what was she doing about handling money back then? And I'd ask her to get a free copy of her credit report from one of the legit agencies. Maybe it's great, but how will you move forward if you don't even know? I acknowledge that is a private document but she is asking you to take care of everything, in return, she should be willing to provide that.

I hope this goes smoothly

[FLA]

I have not tried the weekly meeting tactic yet, perhaps I will try that. I am not ending my relationship because she struggles (this word is an understatement, I acknowledge) with finances.

I can understand that feeling. What about looking at ways to protect yourself, like maybe a pre-nup? And if you really are so invested that leaving her is not on the table, then it's doubly important to nail down the big stuff before walking down the aisle. Child rearing beliefs, will you use daycare or a nanny or is one of you planning to stay home? If so, can you maintain your budget on one salary? Where will you live, how much house can you afford? Retirement saving. Anything you can think of because it is much wiser and meaningful to walk that aisle with someone you really know, even if she has struggles. After all, most of us do, too

[tripods68]

You need to check out Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University (FPU) to learn about money, debt, and budgeting. Both of you will benefit greatly!

https://www.daveramsey.com

[avil_saver36]

Yes, I do agree with everyone and this has been a frustrating aspect of our relationship for me. I have sat down with her and done a budget and she does not stick to it. I have told her the steps she needs to take, such as open an account for automatic savings. We are planning to get married and have kids within the next two years but she needs to get a grip on her finances. She make s75k a year!

I have not tried the weekly meeting tactic yet, perhaps I will try that. I am not ending my relationship because she struggles (this word is an understatement, I acknowledge) with finances.

What are the things she is spending money on? Restaurants? Vacations? Can she cook? Is she OK not buying new clothes and shoes every time there is a sale? How many shoe pairs does she have in her closet? How much makeup does she put? Does she drink or smoke? What car does she drive? Does she lease it?

When she oversteps her budget, where is the money coming from? Is she putting it on credit cards? How much debt does she have? Is she at least breaking even at $75K or she is going further in the red with credit cards? Does she have a retirement account and is she saving regularly in it?

How much money do you make? Are you planning on buying a house? How much savings/debt do you have? If she is a heavy spender, do you think you make enough money to allow her to continue spending "your money" after marriage?

[avil_saver36]

I can understand that feeling. What about looking at ways to protect yourself, like maybe a pre-nup? And if you really are so invested that leaving her is not on the table, then it's doubly important to nail down the big stuff before walking down the aisle. Child rearing beliefs, will you use daycare or a nanny or is one of you planning to stay home? If so, can you maintain your budget on one salary? Where will you live, how much house can you afford? Retirement saving. Anything you can think of because it is much wiser and meaningful to walk that aisle with someone you really know, even if she has struggles. After all, most of us do, too

Very good point.

There is a person in my family, who has a stay at home wife, who has never worked a day in her life. They have two children. Both go to the daycare full time. He pays $2500 for them every month.

His wife is not exactly spendthrift, but she never wanted to take care of the kids full time, and she never wanted to work either. However, this person is an executive and makes over $250K and is OK with it. He also has plenty of inherited wealth from his wife's side (maybe that's part of the equation).

Think about all the factors. Having kids is the single most depressing thing for the women in 21st century (a recent CNN article). Looking after kids all the time and sacrificing your own material needs and comforts is a tall order for someone who couldn't even sacrifice a single restaurant meal in his/her life before.

[snafu]

R...phd, I sincerely hope you'll take the well meaning, thoughtful suggestions offered - seriously. The statistics are crystal clear, less than 50% of marriages hold together with disagreement over money the #1 issue.