Has anyone every declared a relative incompetent?

[ExcuseMyIgnorance]

My mother is facing the situation. Her father has dementia and her mother is pretty old/ignorant as to how finances work. They had an old-fashioned marriage where all the wife did was cook and clean and never knew how much they had in the bank.

My mom is now thinking about declaring her dad incompetent and taking over the reigns. Has anyone else ever done this? I'm not really interested in the legal aspect of it as I can find it online. But what about the emotional aspect? Just accept that grandpa can't take care of himself anymore? My mom is worried so if I could give her some advice that would be nice.

[Fishindude77]

I've been called way worse that that

[myrdale]

My grandmother is 93 with dementia. About 10 years my mother got power of attorney for her. There were no major issues at the time.

Around 5 years ago, we found the tail lights broken on my grandmothers car. She hit someone... that's all we know. My mother took her car keys away and it was World War III.

Later we found the car had been moved, so my mother found another set of keys and took those.

Finally one day my father and I were at the bank and my grandmother came walking in (car parked out front). The next day we pulled the battery cable and put a club on the drivers wheel.

After about 3 weeks of arguments we convinced her the car didn't work and that was more or less the end of it.

Next her house burned down, the insurance company said cause was unknown. We have suspensions about a space heater but there is no way to know. With the insurance money we purchased her a trailer, where we left her alone during the day and she stayed with my parents at night. Occasionally she would fight over it, but ultimately it wasn't that bad.

About 6 months ago we moved her to a nursing home once my mother could no longer take care of her. We told her it was an apartment. Her roommate is actually a childhood friend. We get some arguments occasionally about wanting to go home, but we remind her this is her home.

Now my mother has the early signs of dementia. At her doctors recommendation, she listed my sister not as power of attorney but an executor, or something to that effect. Her disability and income from my fathers retirement go to an account that only my sister can issue checks from. So once every two weeks my sister cuts a check when my mother asks. It is a hassle but looks like it works well enough from the outside.

[FLA]

as a Hospice nurse, we saw this all the time. It seems to work when the family member buys into it even a little bit. For instance get durable POA, but for a while sit and do the bills together, with a slow approach and not being knocked over their head that they are being declared incompetent, this can work. The hard part is if you have to do this suddenly, he loses all power with no time to process this, the word incompetent is tossed around a lot, add in taking away a car and the parental relationship goes off the rails. I don't think you need him officially declared incompetent if you go to an elder law attorney and get documents in place for them that they agree to.