Get wife on same financial page

[mane01]

17 years ago my wife and I moved in together. I fought to control the money and I won. Fast forward 17 years and we have twin 8 year old girls, no savings and had 60k in debt most to be paid of in a few days from sale of home.

Each paycheck I transfer money to my wife for food, clothes and gifts.. well everything that isn't a household or re-occurring bill, she gets by with it, but can't see 3 weeks ahead with birthdays, holidays, camp for kids. She cannot save and the money I transfer I gave her a budget (after waiting 3 months for her to make one), which included saving a little each month for gifts and more long term items, she said "looks good". But doesn't stick to it. I then bought her a money sorter to keep seperate cash into categories. But still doesn't stick to it.

I feel we need to put more money in 401k, money for savings, money for kids. I talk to her, but she is checked out. She never worries about it, never brings it up and when I do she doesn't want to get into details, suddenly she gets A D D. I need to get her interested, because I'm weak at financial management, I need a financial partner to be on the same page when making decisions for large purchases which doesn't come out of her money and I typically "go with it" even knowing we can't do it.

Most of this is a rant, but how do i bring her back to care about our future? She controls everything in the house, but future living and / or debt she could care less about. She always quotes King of Queens when they talk about paying off their credit cards, the big guy says "...like that's ever going to happen" as if we have no control.

I feel like we need to go to financial therapy if there is such a thing.

Any advice?

-Michael

[Rachael777]

This is not meant to be harsh but maybe to shed some light. (or allow you to explain further)

Your first sentence or so ..says you fought hard to control the money and you won. Now you are $60k in debt and lagging behind with what you want to have saved. I see you give her an allowance which leads me to think she does not work. How about 'paying yourself or the future_We' first and putting mnoney into 401k, savings and whatever else and THEN figuring her budget. It appears she does not to learn or is not able to (about finances) so maybe you just take control and DO IT.

Does that makes sense?

I know you say you are weak at money management .. but really are you? I am not so sure you are. I mean you are saying some logical things.. save more, 401k, save for known purchases... all sounds good.

Are you weak in terms of dealing w her or money?

[disneysteve]

I fought to control the money

She controls everything in the house

I feel like we need to go to financial therapy if there is such a thing.

"fought" and "control" are not words that belong in a conversation about marriage. You are supposed to be a team, working together toward common goals. Just your language alone speaks volumes about the problem. If one person is "in control" there will always be strife because the other person feels "controlled".

Suze Orman is fond of saying that "money" problems are never actually about money. What you guys have is a relationship problem, a communication problem, a trust problem, a respect problem. Therapy might be exactly what's needed as long as you are both on board. If you want to mainly focus on the financial piece, check out Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I do not 100% agree with or support what his plan teaches, but it works wonders for many, many people and couples and gets them on the same page working together on a system where they both feel they have an equal voice.

[snafu]

I don't see you in control of money. How did you accumulate $ 60,000. of debt? Is this credit card debt, car or personal loans? What stuff can be sold? Are you selling your home to acquire $ 60,000. to pay off debt? Will you rent an apartment? When will you wife return to the workforce? Are you separating?

The rule of thumb is to divide income into 20% for savings [retirement and non retirement], 50% for Needs, day-to-day living and obligations [mortgage/rent, utilities, food, clothes, transportation, CCs, loans etc., 30% Wants fun stuff, entertainment, cable, eating out etc]. When you divide income how much is going for each category? If you can work as a team, I suggest you note every dollar spent so that you know where the money goes. Can you identify leakage? Dollars spent that fail to delivery any value that is important.

Would the two of you consider counselling so that issues can be aired in a safe, non confrontational manner? Perhaps if an outsider explains that there is a need to fund 35 senior years after employment income ends you both will see how important it is to fund retirement. If DW expects your twins to go to university, will she be able to offer any financial assistance in a mere eight years if she doesn't start funding it now?

[Eagle]

I feel like we need to go to financial therapy if there is such a thing.

Any advice?

-Michael

@mane01
From what you've described Michael it seems like you are a nerd (loves numbers) and a saver (I think, or at least you'd like to be). Your wife on the other hand is a free spirit (doesn't like numbers or budgets) and a spender (I think, or at least that's what you seem to be describing.

I agree with DisneySteve about one person being in control and the other person feeling controlled. There's naturally going to be strife in that kind of scenario. It's no wonder the wife doesn't to follow the budget. Doing a budget and handling finances is a team effort. Have you ever done a budget together? If you do it that's fine. But she HAS to agree to it and change at least one or two things. That gives her ownership.

[Nutria]

had 60k in debt most to be paid of in a few days from sale of home.

What does that mean?

It's five days later: do you still have $60K debt? If not, how much?

[Nutria]

She always quotes King of Queens when they talk about paying off their credit cards, the big guy says "...like that's ever going to happen" as if we have no control.

Having never seen that show, I don't know what it means. How much CC debt do you have?


Will she rant, rave & get violent if you put her on a strict allowance?

Regarding not being good at financial management: it's not really that hard. You know when you (and she?) gets paid, and how much. You know when the bills are due.

So, create a spreadsheet with fields containing the columns "date", "description", "amount" and "current balance". Start it with current checking account balance, and "run it forward" by adding your estimated paychecks and the relevant bills on the days that they're due.

That's give you a first estimate of how much you have left over. Then log into your bank and download the past few months of checking account and CC transactions. That'll tell you how much you all are spending on food, restaurant, etc. Subtract those average monthly figures from the spreadsheet.

That's how much you have at the end of the month. If it's negative, you've got a serious problem, and you'll need to put both her and you on strict budgets. (That's strict as in "don't over-spend", not "starve yourselves".)

[ua_guy]

You can't blame your wife for spending all the money if you're supposedly in control of it. She's not the problem. Both of you are the problem. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce, so I'd say if both of you are agreeable, go see a marriage counselor that might know a thing or two about finance.

[rennigade]

Ok...its official. No users under 10 posts should be allowed to start a new thread. This site is getting hammered with 1 post wonders (even though it says op has 2 posts.) This will eliminate almost all trolling/spam. This is a very simple request that could go a long way. Please make it happen admins.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Rennigade-- we don't want to run off new posters. Besides, mane01 is not a one post wonder. His other thread is interesting. (Hi, mane01 )

[BrooklynFatPants]

I'm troubled. I think this guy is married to my wife.

[joypdx]

Do you want some perspective from someone who used to be like your wife? Because her behavior could very well have been my own a year ago.

I was sort of foot loose and fancy free in my 20s, but when I hit my 30s something clicked for me--and I think it came out of the harsh reality of watching two of my dear friends lose their husbands within the same year. Both losses were very sudden, leaving these women financially responsible for families and lifestyles that were dependent on the husband's income (solo) or two incomes (dual). My own husband makes almost double what I make, and I really began to think about what would happen if he were to suddenly pass as well.

The second thing that happened was that I learned about a budgeting tool called YNAB and it rocked my world. After getting the scare of watching my friends struggle from the loss of their husbands, I began reading personal finance blogs and wound up at the YNAB tool. Rather than looking at budgeting from a deprivation standpoint, it looks at it from a spending standpoint--you give every dollar a job, which, for a shopper, is kind of fun. It actually felt more financially freeing to know that I wasn't going to run out of money at the end of every pay period because I knew exactly where my money was going (or staying!). It's a lot like Weight Watchers, where you can eat whatever you want as long as you stay in your daily points allotment.

Prior to YNAB, my husband had mentioned budgeting, but it wasn't until finding YNAB on my own that I really got into it. Once that happened, I realized I needed to finally get on top of retirement--at 31, I was so far behind!--so I quit my part-time job (plus freelancing) and accepted a F/T job with 401k matching. Now I'm focusing on paying off massive parts of my student loans as quickly as possible.

In lieu of a life and death situation to shake someone into awareness (like it did for me), therapy is probably a very sound idea. Your therapist may be able to help your wife get the clarity I did about what could happen if you aren't on sound financial footing. Sometimes you just need to shake things up in order to wake up and realize that you're not quite as safe, quite as steady on Easy Street, as you thought.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it's helpful!

[lisacad]

Honey, Is that you?

I got scared, thought it was my husband for a second. He "controls" the money in our household as well. However, we still have our own individual accounts. I laughed at the people who took "fought" and "control" seriously. Like you beat your wife, and don't let her go anywhere, or spend a dime. If your in "control" run with it! after all that's what you said you "fought" for. If she is NOT good at finances, WHY would you want her making financial decisions? She can still make decisions on your future. I have to ask like everyone else...IF you have controlled the money for 17 years HOW did you get so far in DEBT? If your in CONTROL then CONTROL. Sounds to me like MAYBE you just "THINK" your in control, and your wife agrees as she laughs ALL THE WAY TO THE MALL.

[CashUp Sammy]

I'm troubled. I think this guy is married to my wife.

LOLOLOL nice